AN: I know some of you may hate me for starting another fic when I have two that are in desperate need of updating, but when inspiration strikes it strikes. This fic is for Jackie, my fellow Dauntless and lovely Beta.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Divergent Series or any characters associated with it. That all belongs to the lovely Veronica Roth. I do, however, own the plot and several secondary characters that will pop up along the way in this fan fiction only. I do not intend to infringe on any copyright nor do I claim anything other than secondary characters and the plot as my own.
Our universe grants every soul a twin-
a reflection of themselves -the kindred spirit – And no matter where they are or how far away they are from each other- even if they are in different dimensions, they will always find one another. This is destiny; this is love.
-Julie Dillon
My throat feels tight as I stand behind my parents, bandage pressed to my hand to stop the bleeding from where I had cut it with the knife before dropping my blood onto Abnegation stones. Was this the right choice? I don't know. What I do know is it was the most selfless choice I could make, right? My mother smiles at me - her eyes holding a bit of sadness. I have never seen that look in her eyes - but also happiness and pride. I know I will never be free from the suffocating life the abnegation wants me to lead, but at least I have them, my parents, and they are happy. I can do this, I tell myself as I help stack chairs with the other initiates of my faction, taking cues from my mother and father as they talk lightly with the rest of the Abnegation members who had come to the ceremony.
"Beatrice." My mother calls, gesturing me over to meet the other initiates. There were eight of us total; five abnegation and three transfers. The Abnegation I know from around my own home: my neighbor Susan, Anthony and Alvin - twin boys who lived up the street from us; both dark haired with small noses and large, deep set eyes, and a brown haired mousy looking girl who I had sat next to in math for two years but could not remember her name. That was a problem in Abnegation, I have always thought, we are so plain and draw no attention to ourselves that even in our own faction we can not tell one another apart. The transfers consist of two Candor: a black haired boy with wide, terrified eyes who was the first transfer from our year and a small, redheaded girl who refused to watch as the others left, and an Amity boy with sandy brown hair and a soft smile.
The smile falls from the Amity transfer's face when a large hand claps down on his shoulder. "For the next thirty days," a voice booms causing more than just me to jump, "you will be assigned to a variety of volunteer positions so you can get a feel for what you would like to do here in Abnegation." Marcus Eaton is a tall, broad-shouldered man who is also the leader of our government. I try to fight the scowl forming on my lips and look down to hide my displeasure in how rough he is being to one of our transfers. "For now, we will take you to the Government building where transfers will be assigned your initiation foster home and every one's week one volunteer placement will be chosen." I get to stay with my parents until after initiation? That is a relief. "If you wish to return to a position you may do so after week three of initiation. After the final day, there will be a ceremony, then you shall be assigned to your living quarters as an adult." Something, to me, feels off about Marcus' smile, his too loud voice, and his controlling demeanor. I chastise myself for being so judgmental even in thought, though I can't quite keep the suspicion from my mind.
Suspicion is a selfish thought. I am not selfish, I reminded myself. I am selfless, I am nothing. I am selfless, I am nothing. I am selfless. I am nothing.
I can't help but give my mother a shy smile when we enter our home an hour later. I have been given the assignment of working in the infirmary clinic between Abnegation and Erudite headquarters. "I'm glad you chose to stay." My mother whispers into my hair. I feel thrown for a few moments - my world off balance at her statement. Isn't her expressing her happiness selfish? But my mother is not selfish. I have to remind myself that I was being treated like an adult now, not a small insignificant child, but as a peer. I return her smile. "Shall we get some boxes from the neighbors and pack away some things in the spare room for when we are placed with an initiate?" My mother's statement shakes me a bit, her eyes shine with tears that are gone as quickly as they came. I'm not sure which shakes me more - that she allowed me to see she was visibly upset by Caleb's leaving, or that Caleb's room was now being referred to as "the spare room" as if my brother hadn't been sleeping in it just last night?
"I'll do it." I offer, my voice soft as I touch her arm. "I'll do it." My mother nods allowing me leave from her to go next door.
When Susan opens the door, I notice that her eyes are red and her cheeks tear-stained as if she had been crying. "B-Beatrice, come in." She offers, her voice shakes as she steps aside. She and her father are packing up Robert's things as well, it seemed. I want to reach out and comfort her but I'm not really sure how.
"H-how are you?" My voice sounds dry and hollow. Mechanical.
"Fine," Susan hiccups as her father answers for her. "We'll be fine, thank you for asking Beatrice, how are you and your parents?"
"Fine," I reply with a nod. I rest a hand on Susan's arm and offer a small smile. "Come to dinner with us?" I ask. I know not cooking and cleaning for one night wasn't going to help anyone really, but it seemed like a selfless thing to do. Susan nods and looks over her shoulder where her father nods also.
"Thank you Beatrice that would be lovely." I smile and nod my head, backing out of their home before heading back to mine. I should have asked my mother before inviting guests over, but I really don't think she'd have a problem with it.
"Mother?" I call, entering our house.
"Up here." Her soft voice calls from upstairs. I head up the stairs to find her in Caleb's room, packing books into his plain bookshelf. I frown and drop to my knees next to her.
"I said I would do it, mom. " I state softly.
"Did you bring the boxes?" She asks, ignoring me. I had forgotten the boxes when I had seen Susan so sad.
"No." I reply. "Susan was so upset over Robert that I forgot about the boxes when I invited her and her father for dinner."
My mother smiles. "That was very kind of you, Beatrice." She responds, stacking books in her arms as she seeks out another place to put them; the book case full.
"We can put some in my room until we can get enough boxes together to donate them." I tell her, taking the books from her arms and trekking across the hall to my room to shove the books into my bookshelf with ease.
It takes us less than an hour to make Caleb's room suitable for an initiate. We smile at each other and return downstairs so I can begin dinner. As I am cutting carrots, I hear my father enter our home. He and my mother talk for several moments before I feel his hand skimming my hair. "How was your day, Beatrice?" He asks, pulling extra chicken from the freezer to thaw.
"Fine," I respond, looking over my shoulder at him.
"Marcus and his son, Tobias, are coming over with two of the new initiates - one will be staying with us, the other with Marcus." I nod, adding more carrots to the stack that I was cutting, making sure to make enough to feed nine people. I look over my shoulder and watch my mother and father work together to pull apart our table and add two leaflets and five chairs to it. It had been so long since I had been together with so many people in a home of our size; I had to think to remember when. The only time I could remember was the death of Marcus' wife when I was seven. I don't think I have even seen Tobias since then since we haven't gone to any choosing ceremonies besides my own.
I answer the door at the first knock; Susan and her father stand there with soft smiles. "Thank you for inviting us, Beatrice." Susan states, offering out a casserole she had made. I take it and bring it to the table thanking her as I did. Marcus, Tobias and the two transfers follow minutes after, each dipping their heads to my father who greets them. Once we are seated, I look around and smile to myself. My father starts serving, passing each bowl to the right when he's done. This is nice. Having a full house is a change from the subdued dinners we usually have with just me, Caleb and our parents. A twinge develops in my chest at the thought of Caleb but is quickly wiped away when a hand is offered to me from my left. I blink at it, and then up at the owner: Tobias. I had never held hands with a boy other than my brother before but, as I slide my hand into his, it feels different than I imagined it would have with just any boy. It's like my skin is on fire, each nerve ending connecting with his in some strange electrical way and my lips part in surprise. I don't know if he feels it, too, because when I look up at him he has his eyes closed and head bowed, my father's voice slipping over us as he says grace. I quell my curiosity and mimic my peers. Focus. I scold myself
My father thanks God for our family, our friends, our initiates, and our health. He gives praise to me for our meal and to our guests for helping and my mother for her love. I smile at this and hope some day I will have a love like theirs. We eat quietly for a bit before my father starts conversation with Marcus. I relax a bit and Susan shifts closer to speak to me quietly. "Where did you get placed?" She asked.
"I'm helping at the clinic this week." I reply. Susan nods and was about to respond when Marcus' voice cut in."You'll be working under Tobias then I suspect." My attention turns to Tobias, realizing I knew nothing about the man sitting next to me. Tobias dips his head in a nod but continues to eat quietly.
"Is it a difficult job, Tobias?" Susan asks. "It's awfully nice of you to care for those who are ill or in pain." She smiles at him with almost worshipful eyes and I feel a pang of something creep into my stomach.
Tobias looks embarrassed by Susan's attention and lifts a shoulder. "It's very rewarding work, helping those who need it." He replies. Susan nods but suspicion creeps into my mind again, for some reason his answer feels rehearsed. I give him a small smile, which he returns before turning back to his food. I notice, out of the corner of my eye, a brief sour look on Marcus' face before I return to my own meal.
After dinner, Susan and the transfers clean up and bring the dishes into the kitchen while Tobias and I wash them. We are silent as we scrub, until everything has been brought in and we are alone with the promise of no interruptions for a time. "Are you alright?" I ask, touching his arm gently. He pulls away too quickly, eyes wide as he looks from me to the wet spot on his shirt and back to me.
"Fine." His voice is hollow, like he has been sucked of any and all emotion. What is wrong with him? Curiosity isn't a quality we are supposed to have in Abnegation, but I have never really been able to stomp it out completely.
"You're not fine." I whisper, looking over my shoulder to see if anyone can hear us. My mother and Susan are knitting while my father and Marcus talk and the two initiates sit quietly and observe. "You can tell me, you know."
"No. I don't know." He snaps and I am taken aback by the sudden emotions in Tobias' eyes. Fear? Anger? I hadn't seen either of these emotions in such a long time that I can't quite register which Tobias was trying to contain. I nod and we dissolve into silence once again. The dishes take longer than I expect, especially with Tobias tense like he's ready to take flight next to me. We both jump when Marcus' voice crosses into the kitchen. "Tobias, I believe it's time to take our leave."
Tobias sets aside the plate he was drying and nods to me. "Thank you for dinner, Beatrice." He dips his head and offers me a smile that doesn't quite reach his eyes, before entering the living room to thank my parents, Susan and her father for the night. I frown as he catches my eye again as he follows his father out, a curious look on his face - one that I don't quite understand.
After Susan and her father leave, I get more acquainted with our transfer. He is the Amity with the kind smile I had met earlier. He wasn't handsome by any standard - kind of plain like the Abnegation boys I knew - with sandy hair and small facial features. His name is Randolph and he has been assigned to helping with lunch at the lower level school. Part of me wishes I could switch places with him, knowing that tomorrow I will have to face Tobias again, and spend an entire eight hours learning all I can from him about working in the infirmary but the knot in my stomach makes me feel like this will be a disaster.