Title: and i know that holding us in place is simply fear of what's already changed

Pairing: Alex Cabot/Olivia Benson

Summary: "You can have Manhattan/I know it's for the best/I'll gather up the avenues/and leave them on your doorstep/and I'll tiptoe away/so you won't have to say/you heard me leave" – Sara Bareilles, Manhattan

A/N: :) :) :)

Once upon a time, the ice skating rink at Rockefeller Center had been their spot. Years ago – in another life – they had stood together, fingers intertwined, leaning against the rink's short wall. There was still too much unsaid between them, too many years spent separated, too many hurt feelings and broken hearts and missed chances, but that moment? That moment was perfect. And then a call came in and real life came crashing down again and that was that.

Separated again by Alex's promotion, by Olivia's new boyfriend, by baby Noah, and then again by Alex's new job in the private sector. Separated, separated, separated until Alex looks back now and can't remember a time they were even in the same room for more than a couple minutes.

(That's a lie: three weeks earlier, Olivia had stopped by unannounced at her new office, bringing with her two meatball subs from Alex's favorite deli, and they spent a whopping 13 minutes and 52 seconds together before Olivia was called away in the name of justice.)

Alex stands at the rink now, watching happy couples twirl and smile and fall that much more in love, watching the sheer amazement that lights up skaters' faces as they feel their skates glide on the ice for the first time. She wants to be out there, wants to be tucked against Olivia's side as they glide around the rink, giddy and love drunk and invincible. She wants to hold Noah's hand and she and Olivia take him out onto the ice for the first time. She wants to take her family home and drink hot chocolate in front of the fireplace and run her thumb over the cool gold band she wants to put on Olivia's left ring finger. She wants to say all of this to Olivia's face and watch her light up as she realizes she feels the same.

But mostly she wants to take back the last twelve years and she wants to stay when Olivia asks her to.

But Alex doesn't have a time machine and she can't change the outcome of her decisions, she can only live with the consequences.

Which is why she flees as soon as Olivia notices her staring from across the rink.