Every once in a while Hawke would get glimpses. Glimpses of a frightened man who seeks to assuage the hurts of all creatures, who misses a freedom and safety he isn't really sure he ever had, who wishes he could return to a relatively peaceful apathy. Glimpses of a determined warrior who wishes for order above all else, who cannot see compromise, who cannot stand idle when the oppressed cry out in pain. These glimpses shine past the resentment, the tightly held control and thoughts of vengeance of a man who is no longer sure who he is.
Sometimes Hawke wondered if it was worth it, the small glimpses of love, humor, kindness and a soul that seeks justice within this shattered and pieced-together man. Would what they had ever be enough? Was it enough to be with him when his thoughts were elsewhere? Was it worth it?
Because anger veiled with humour can be self-depricating and turned to acts of selflessness and self-improvement. Because justice can see truths in the world that are painful but necessary to acknowledge, and there could be kindness in that too. But anger veiled with Justice can turn to acts of vengeance and war.
Then he blew up the Chantry. With no word and little warning he made a decision that would change the face of the world. And Hawke wondered if there had been any glimpses. And Hawke wondered if Anders had ever shown his true self, if Anders even knew who he was himself.
Hawke wondered if it was worth it.
Then Hawke thought of Bethany, the sister who had been there throughout it all. The sister who had delighted in the beauty of her burgeoning magic, laughing in triumph as she discovered new knowledge. The sister now shackled to a corrupt Circle whose every whim may decide whether she lives or dies.
And Hawke knew it was worth it.