A/N: Sorry for the sadness. Sorry for the pairing. Sorry for the ending. Really sorry for the pairing. It just came to me and I knew I had to write it. Enjoy. Sorry.
Do you ever get that feeling that you really shouldn't have opened your mouth when you did?
I do.
Actually I get that feeling quite a bit, but today more than most.
Today I know I really shouldn't have said what I did.
Everything was going well, surprisingly.
I had quite a good start to the day.
I was asked by the DI to help on a case.
No, scratch that, I was told I was wanted on the case.
I think that's a first for me.
I know I shouldn't have let myself get quite so happy about it, after all it was just a case, but to me it was more than that. It was the person I care about more than anything asking for my help, telling me they wanted to spend the day with me.
Okay, so that wasn't exactly her exact words, but that's how I saw it. Stupid, I know, but I thought for a moment that she might feel the same way I do.
So, I spent the day following her around, doing as I was told, allowing her to systematically dismiss every single thought I had about the case.
It was like only her answer was right.
And I let her think that.
I didn't argue, I didn't do anything; I just let her do things her way, because why would I want to hurt her?
I couldn't do that to her.
It sounds stupid that me thinking proving her wrong on the case would hurt her so much, but I know it would. She's dedicated to the job. No, she's more than that; she's married to the job. It's that old saying: 'Do you live to work or work to live?' Well she definitely lives to work.
Every time I see her in the office I see that spark in her eyes that betrays just how much this place means to her.
She's determined to stop the bad guys and what gives me the right to make her think she can't do that anymore?
She got it wrong today, she'll have to admit that, but she still gets it right every other time.
She's one of the best coppers I know.
She's the best copper I know.
And today, even though she wasn't right, we still got a result of sorts. Two people are happy together and that's the most important thing, right? Well today it wasn't the most important thing to me. It was one of the least important things to me.
Because for some reason today I spilled my heart, and I really shouldn't have. Knowing that woman was giving birth just triggered something in me. I let Sam know how I was feeling when I really shouldn't have.
Telling her was probably the worst decision of my life, but, strangely, it's one I know deep down I don't regret. I guess I regret telling her when I did. It put a bad end to the day.
Doug had been stabbed. Nikki was upset. Sam was on a mission to prove me wrong. Okay, if you look at it like that today was a really bad day. But to me it did start off well. And by that point it wasn't the lowest of the low for me.
I know that sounds selfish and callous when Doug was lying in hospital, but add what happened next to that and my day just got worse and worse.
I told Sam.
I told her I care about her.
I told her I love her.
And what did she tell me?
'Sorry, Kezia, I'm straight.'
Well what did I expect really?
I knew she was straight.
Did I really think I could change her?
I guess deep down I hoped I could. I probably knew I couldn't, but that didn't stop me hoping.
Hope is a powerful thing.
It has the ability to save or destroy.
It destroyed me.
And then, to add insult to injury, she wouldn't let me go to the hospital with her.
Instead she took Lewis.
Yeah, he's a good cop and he helped out today, but it was still me that was working on the case. Not being allowed to see the end of it was a kick in the teeth.
I didn't think Sam would actually do something like that. I mean, stop me from seeing the end result. I guess I don't know her as well as I liked to think I did.
The problem is now; I don't know what to do. I stare into space and that's the only place I want to be.
As far away from here as possible.
As far away from her as possible.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I don't know who will find me.
But I hope it's not her.
It wouldn't be fair for her to see this.
She'd blame herself.
And although that's one of the reasons, there's more she doesn't understand.
And now she'll never understand.
So you ever get that feeling that you really shouldn't have opened your mouth when you did?
Not any more I won't.