It's today.
Those were the first thoughts that came to mind as Lilith Lokidottir opened her eyes in the early, sunny morning. Lilly didn't want to move. She wanted to hide away in her room like she already had for the past month, ever since...
Ever since...
"No. Stop. You have to save the tears for later' she continued to scold herself. Nothing unusual from the past month. Lilith had come accustomed to mentally abusing herself. Forcing back tears as she saw the empty seat at the table, while eating dinner, or refusing to take down the worn punching back that still was hung in the small gym.
The mission did more than just save Lilith, maybe forever, from HYDRA. It took something away that made it hard to speak, hard to train, and even harder to breath as she carried on through the days. And just planning the...the funeral was hard enough. She couldn't carry on with the planning more than possibly an hour before losing herself in tears again, just to go back in hide in her room for the remainder of the day.
But not today. Today, she had no choice. Because today was the day.
Today was the funeral of Steven Grant Rogers.
Lilith had to compose everything within her to finally sit up in the bed. She didn't want to deal with Natasha screaming at her to get up when this day was stressful enough. Lilly had to lock out nearly all emotion as she prepared herself for the day's event, nearly refusing to possibly think about anything but getting ready.
She watched other S.H.I.E.L.D. agents arrived, dressed in suits, dresses and their finest jewelry. Accept for a few special attendees.
Among these special guests were Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov, Clint Barton, Sam Wilson, Thor, and even Lilith, all showed the the funeral in their battle wear, suited up instead of in the fancy attire that any others chose to attend in. Bruce Banner would have with the rest of them, but then again, we would rather him not obliterate the entire event.
There were points when one of the Avengers would give a speech, and no matter how much Lilith kept her head down and thoughts closed, large, heavy tears still ran down her cheeks, sometimes without her even noticing until Clint handed her another tissue.
If anyone was at all more emotional than Lilith, it was probably Tony, oddly enough (But if Bucky had decided to attend, I can guarantee he definitely would have outdid them both, but due to his inability to handle the entire situation, he refused). The Billionaire couldn't get two sentences in before breaking down into harsh sobs, which in turn caused Lilith to leave the room for a moment to try and compose herself.
"Steve wouldn't want me to cry," she kept saying to herself, the only words that made her hold it together at all. He wouldn't want her to cry. He'd want to to stay strong, to live in and not waste her tears on him. That's why he died after all, isn't it? He died so she could live. And he'd be damned if he let her cry about that.
Lilith couldn't even finish her own speech without losing her perfect composer five times, Clint continuously volunteering himself to help her calm down long enough to get out ten or so more sentences. The only words that anyone would remember, would be those that she closed with: "But let it be known that Steve Rogers gave me life and death. He gave me life when he became my friend, but gave me death when he withdrew his last breath."
Lilith purposely was the last to walk up to casket. She didn't need to be the one who held up the line because she couldn't stop sobbing. Approaching the casket, she nearly turned right around, but Natasha turned Lilly right around and nearly pushed the broken girl forward to the lifeless body. She needed it. Lilith needed the, literal, push. She wanted to run, hide, die.
As the blonds body slowly came into view, Lilith couldn't breath, literally could not breath. Flashes of the last memory started rolling through her head as her eyes fell upon the pale face of the man she loved, no, loves. Just because he was dead, did not mean she would stop loving him. And she would love him as if he was still alive. But that memory. Scarred so deep into her head.
She had ran around the corner of the base, searching for him, scared she might never find the small man amongst the gunshots and explosions. And then she heard his voice. Turning around, she watched him wave her back as he was shot shot, point-blank into his chest, at least twenty times. She watched him fall into a forever darkness as she held him in her arms, once her feet could scurry across the tiled floors to reach him.
Her world had stopped. Her heart clenched up as the memory poured through her mind as she gripped the side of the casket, trying to breath again. Her eyes so clouded with tears, she couldn't see his face for a long moment until Clint finally ran up and handed her another tissue (Weird how he was suddenly so nice to the girl...).
Her eyes finally fell upon his soft face. Lilith couldn't help but trace a gently finger over his cold cheek. For sure, Lilith believed if there was a heaven, they had definitely reclaimed their best angel. Nat, by now, had stepped back, giving the emotional girl room to have her last moment with him. She remembered all those times he held her, laid in bed with her just so she could sleep, cookes her breakfast lunch and dinner, shared a laugh even when she was crying. She thought of every moment he made her feel worth something, every time he was able to convince her she was worth everything he did. Lilith remembered how they kissed, how his lips just felt so right against her own. Every memory she had of him flashed before her as she cried over the body and caressed the soft, angelic face.
Eventually, Natasha and Clint both pulled her away, each having to grip one of her arms and almost drag her as suddenly her feet didn't want to work.
Watching Tony, Thor, Clint, and Bruce carry the casket out of the funeral home and into the graveyard was like stabbing her in the heart a million times. And watching them drape the American flag over it, whilst playing "Taps". When they removed the flag and tried handing it to poor Ari, whom Lilith only noticed just now, the girl refused to accept it. Instead, Arielle asked the man to hand it to Lilith. The demigod looked stunned at the girl, but Ari kept her eyes away from Lilith the entire time. Of course, Lil accepted the triangle shaped flag, hugging it close to her chest as they lowered the casket into the six foot deep hole. She mumbled, "Goodbye, Steve..." as the box gently hit the ground's bottom, dirt soon filling the empty space.
Almost directly after the hole was filled and a prayer was said, everyone began to clear out. But Natasha didn't think twice about leaving Lily behind as the girl's feet seemed planted into the ground. Lilith slowly dropped to her knees atop his grave, staring at the many flowers and flags people chose to leave at the large stone. Her fingers lightly traced over the words engraved below his name:
"Not a perfect soldier, but a good man"
The words deemed too fitting for the gravestone of Captain America, the hero name that was also engraved beside his born given name.
As Lilith hugged the flag to her chest and sat atop his grave, not once did the tears cease. She felt like she was meant to say something, but what was their to say? She knew. Oh, did she know. Slowly drawing up just enough breath so that she didn't choke on her words, she stared at the ground, her free hand tightly gripping a piece of paper that she'd withdrawn from her pocket. Her last poem for him.
"Thank you, Steve. Upon your death, was given a life. One not worth as much as some, but to you was worth that of gold. You helped me see when my mind was blind, and allowed my heart to experience what real love, and loss felt like. I may live on with a beating heart. But let it be known that Steve Rogers gave me life and death. He gave me life when he became my friend, but gave me death when he withdrew his last breath."
Upon finishing her reading, tears soaking the page, she folded up the paper and dug a small hole utop his grave before placing it inside, laying the dirt back over the empty space. She looked up, the sun was shining oddly bright, unlike the movies where it only rained. It meant something. If Steve Rogers died to give Lilith Lokidottir a life, then let that be so.
Sitting upon his grave and staring up at the summer's blue sky, she silently promised from then on out, she would live her life to the fullest. Never look back, never regret. She would live, just as he intended. She would do it for him, as her heart laid six feet under, in a white, marble casket, Lilith Lokidottir would live.