Lonely Road
So I started writing this over a year ago and I haven't written since this start so I'm rusty and I'm not quite sure where I intended to go here…gonna give it a shot but it might be a little disjointed. One-shot just after season five ends. I took Winnie out of the picture here, too complicated for something short like this. Some cursing here. Not my favorite story but I wanted to write something so...here's something. I don't own Flashpoint, please read and review :).
The tendrils of the old weeping willow tree barely skimmed the surface of the shimmering lake. It stood tall and stoic, nearly silhouetted against the setting sun. Everything was so much more peaceful at sunset. A young father pushed a boy not more than two years old on the swings while the mother stood on the other side, smiling and waving whenever the swing came closer and the boy's giggling resonated across the park. An elderly couple stood on the opposite bank of the lake with seeds and small pieces of bread and that they tossed to the geese that called this small, neighborhood park home.
It wasn't technically his home anymore though. He didn't feel like he belonged to a neighborhood these days. He'd moved six...or was it eight...months ago? He didn't really care, so much had changed...so much was changing. This used to be his neighborhood park, used to be where his father would help him across the monkey bars and his mother would take walks with him after bad days at school when he got picked on. Now, he sought this place out for comfort but instead was reminded of his crushing loneliness.
Even though other park-goers seemed to make an effort to smile at him or say hello as he sat quietly on a bench off on the far side of the lake, he couldn't physically offer anything in return other than a slight nod and a nearly painfully forced smile. He decided, at one point, that it would be easier to just keep his head down and avoid eye contact; to let himself get lost in the constantly cycling misery that seemed ever prevalent in his mind recently. It was okay for a while, things seemed like they were going alright and he'd gotten control over his mind but then...well things drastically shifted very quickly. An older women stopped her power walk in front of him, seemingly waiting for him to look up. She's done two laps around the lake already and hadn't said a thing but now, she just stood there expectantly, waiting for him to look up at her. He eventually relented and when his eyes finally rose enough for his face to be visible she started chattering at him. She'd seen his picture on the news, she said with a slight sparkle in her eye. The heroes of the city, team one was being called because of their direct ties to taking down the terrorist and defusing the rest of the bombs. He didn't know how to respond to her recounting of the news stories that had played 24 hours a day since the incident so he offered a small nod and a quiet, yeah. She asked how his sergeant was doing, another constant feature on the news because of his call on the city to unite and his confrontation with the terrorist (as the news had dubbed him).
He honestly wasn't sure how to answer that question though and he knew that he didn't want to answer it. The team sat in the waiting room of the hospital for hours. Sam had gotten himself checked over in the ER after his bomb scare and Ed checked on Clark for a few minutes before being forced by his son to return to his team. Dean sat next to Marina anxiously tapping his foot as he squeezed Marina's hand the whole time they waited. The only sound that came from the group was Marina's muffled gasps of anticipation every time a doctor came through the doors with news for some other family. After the doctor finally found them, he told the team that it would take a while but Greg would be okay. It seemed too good to be true, seemed like the team had been bulletproof today and that one of the worst tragedies in Canadian history had left the team a little worse for the ware but intact. It wasn't until the doctor got to the non-threatening wound, a shattered kneecap, eviscerated tendons and ligaments; Greg would live but his life would be dramatically changed forever. He wondered if Greg could live without this job, the livelihood that he had built for himself from scratch after his life shattered before his eyes; he wondered if he could ever be as strong as Greg was or would inevitably be.
The women must have taken the hint that Spike wasn't in the mood for talking because when he looked up again from his silent musings the park was dark and empty. He considered getting up, going home, facing reality again but he couldn't will himself to move or think or process any of what happened in the past days.
"Spike?" He must have zoned out again because now, suddenly a new presence was right in front of him, kneeling down in front of the bench.
"What are you doing here, Ed?" He tried to hide the mix of surprise and shame in his tone as he sat up a bit, automatically trying to make himself a bit more presentable.
"You tell me, buddy. You didn't show for the debrief today, you haven't been home all night, and you're not answering your phone. What's going on?" Ed spoke more gently than Spike could have imagined as he got off his knees and took a seat next to him on the park bench.
"Shouldn't you be with Clark?" Spike asked partially to divert the question but partially because of the guilt he felt creeping in for keeping Ed from his family.
"Visiting hours were over at eight..." He said slowly, not so subtly try to gauge Spike's mental space at the moment. He looked at his watch, it was almost ten. "Still didn't answer my question, Spike. What's going on?" Ed asked again, probing a bit more.
"Nothing, Ed. Just needed to clear my head. Must have forgotten to charge my cell phone last night." Spike's answer was less than convincing but Ed nodded.
"Last night must have been tough for you." He intentionally kept his statement vague, trying to get some indication about what Spike was thinking.
"I think it was tough for all of us, Ed." Spike said with the slightest hint of anger; not anger directed at Ed but at the day and the tragedy that they needed to try to manage.
"Yeah...yeah it was a tough one alright but...Jules and Sam had each other, the boss had Dean and Marina, Leah and Winnie went out for drinks, and I had my family. What did you go home to last night, Spike?" Ed pushed a bit, knowing that Spike would never admit he was hurting.
"Nothing." He said softly. "Is that what you want to hear, Ed?" That I have nothing and no one?" Now he was bitter but at least it was some real emotion.
"No, Spike. That's not what I want to hear, I just want to make sure you're okay and that you've got someone to talk to. I want to make sure you know that you can talk to me, anytime about anything."
"Sure, Ed." Spike seemed non-committal but was moving to get up, trying to end the conversation.
"Sit down." Ed said firmly and Spike automatically obeyed. "Don't just 'sure, Ed' me. Tell me to fuck off or punch me or cry or curse. Don't placate me Spike. This isn't about me, it's about making sure you're okay." Spike took a few deep breaths, trying to control all the emotion that was bubbling up.
"How can I be okay, Ed?" He nearly hissed the words between a locked jaw, trying hard to rein in the emotion that he'd been holding back for 24 hours too long. Ed let the silence persist, knowing that he would fill the void. "How the fuck can we just move on from this? Donna's dead, Jimmy's dead, the boss will live but he'll never be able to work again, Sam and Jules are married, Sam's transferring teams. My family is all in Italy, my friends are all moving on with their lives and I'm just left here." He motioned widely with his arms towards the darkened park before him as Ed nodded.
"Things are changing, buddy. But not all change is a bad thing." Spike glared at Ed as he tried to figure out a way to express to his young teammate that the world wasn't ending. It must have felt like it to him. The last two years had been exceptionally rough to say the least. Losing so many important people between his mentors and family, his friends and his team in a way, life didn't seem to want to cut him a break. "I know it doesn't feel like things will get better or ever be the same, I feel like that too but..." Ed struggled with the words, once again envying Greg for his natural ability to connect and articulate exactly what people needed to hear. "...but we've got to keep fighting every day for it. The city still needs us, now more than ever, and the boss still needs us to be his family, and we all still need you, Spike." Ed didn't feel confident that his words were hitting, it seemed that they were just further disheartening Spike. "Alright, I missed something, didn't I?" Ed said slightly jokingly but also with a serious tone. "Com'on buddy, help an old guy out here." Spike smiled a bit at the self inflicted jab before letting his features fall again.
"It's silly, really...but...I don't know with all this stuff changing I'm just feelin' a little alone is all. I'm just being overdramatic about it." He chastised himself but glancing at Ed showed him that he was being taken seriously.
"I'm sorry, Spike." Ed nodded sadly. "There's been a lot going on recently but that's no excuse for us not realizing how you were feeling."
"Stop, Ed." Spike shook his head. "I don't want yours or anyone else's pity here. You asked me what was wrong, I told you. I don't need you to analyze it or take responsibility for how I've been feeling. Just...forget it. I don't want to talk about it right now." Spike sounded tired, Ed was tired too. The team had spent the good part of the day debriefing as minimally as possible and then went out to look for Spike and take turns sitting with Greg. He was in and out of consciousness and wasn't making much sense; the support was really for Marina and Dean but Jules said that the boss was getting more coherent every time he woke up. Ed had to take a pit stop at the hospital to see how Clark was doing but with the pain medication he was bring given he was thankfully asleep most of the day.
It was always easier for Ed to figure out the practical things to do. When he could make a tactical plan, physically do a takedown, even build a fake volcano for his son's science fair he felt like he was in his element. He had learned so much from Greg over the past years about connecting to people, listening with empathy, building people up so they couldn't bring themselves down, but it was no where near natural. Commander Hollaran had talked to Ed before the rest of the team had arrived for the debriefing. He was just as lost as everyone else only he had to handle all of the media coverage and political clamoring. He had made it to the hospital late in the night to check up on Greg and speak to the doctors. The world was looking for a prognosis for the hero who literally, in most minds, saved the city. Hollaran assured Ed that they were going to wait for weeks before putting his team back on active duty and that they would wait longer to see how Greg faired with his knee but both men knew that Greg would not enter that building again as an active duty member. Hollaran asked Ed to take on temporary leadership of Team One as Sergeant but they both knew that the qualifier was meaningless. It terrified Ed to his core.
"I…I don't know what to say, Spike." Ed was grasping at straws, he felt so unprepared and if he couldn't help his teammate and friend cope with these feelings how would he help people in the midst of crisis? "I know you don't want pity but I'm not offering it. I just want to help but…I'm not sure how." He paused and turned so he was facing Spike more directly. "I'm not Greg, buddy. I can't intuitively know what'll make this better, what to say that'll help, that'll assure you beyond a doubt that you always," he reached out and put a hand on Spike's shoulder, looking his directly in the eyes, "always have me here for you. That the team, we love you man, and that you are never alone. I know that the past couple years have been extraordinarily hard on you." He didn't have to say Lou's or his father's name for both of them to know what he was talking about. "And…I'm not gonna lie, Spike…it's probably not gonna get easier any time real soon…" He paused again. Ed knew the nightmares that had already plagued his brief yet fitful sleep and he could only imagine what the rest of his team was feeling right now. "But I promise you…I promise you, Spike, that we'll take whatever comes, whenever it comes, together."
Ed waited a moment, trying to find something else to say, something more to comfort his friend with. He was so overwhelmed thinking about all the ways that all of the ways that each member of the team would handle the fallout of this event and now, more than ever, he wished that Greg was conscious and able to help him figure out how to make sure they were all okay. It took a moment for Ed to realize that it likely wouldn't be like that, even when Greg was awake, that the roles were reversed and it was Ed that was going to be expected to have all the answers now, to be the pillar of strength to the only man he was ever able to show his weakness. He needed to banish those thoughts now, one thing at a time. Spike still hadn't said anything and Ed was worried that he'd done something wrong. Said too much or too little or had missed the point or triggered a memory but Spike finally looked up, with sunken eyes and a catch in his breath.
"I don't know I can make it through this one, Ed." He said softly, almost like a child ashamed and afraid. "I don't know that I can keep getting up in the morning and forcing myself to smile through all this hurt all around me. I don't know that I can take another big change like this…" he paused for a moment before backing away, "God, I feel so childish!" He chided himself as he cleared his throat. "I mean for God's sake Greg isn't…" he couldn't bring himself to bring the word, "Greg'll be fine. It's just his leg. I just haven't really slept since…I…I'm fine, Ed, really." Spike flashed a signature smile but this time Ed could see it didn't get anywhere near reaching his eyes. Ed thought about how to move forward, he was also drained mentally and emotionally and physically and he didn't know where to go next. What to say…he was a do-er and that wasn't going to change.
"I'm not even close to buying that, Spike, but I'll tell you what," Ed backed off a bit and let the conversation close a bit. "I'm exhausted and hungry and I think a full stomach and a nights rest will help us both. Sophie cooked dinner, it's keeping her sane for the twelve hours a day she isn't able to visit Clark in the hospital, so how about you and I go over to my place, we eat like kings, and we get you set up in the guest room so I can make sure you don't wander off again and we don't have to start a search party." Ed smiled and Spike knew it wasn't really an offer so much as it was an implication that this is how his evening would be spent.
It did sound appealing to Spike. The things that he'd been feeling for months but had been keeping bottled up were finally out in the open, to Ed no less, he never thought that would be the case, but it finally felt good to have some connection, even if the rest of the world felt like it was crumbling around him he finally felt like there was someone he could lean on who knew that he needed something to steady himself.
"I…" Spike hesitated a moment though, Ed was obviously burdened as well and he didn't want to become another thing on his list of worries. "I'd like that Ed, but only tonight, I don't want to burden you and your family, it's obviously a really hard time for everyone—"
"Spike, haven't you been listening?" Ed cut him off and spoke more gently and sincerely than Spike had ever seen. "You are my family, buddy and you could never, ever, be a burden to me." For the first time in a long time, Spike remembered what it was to really smile.
I hope that this is okay, not a huge fan of where I took it but, like I said, it was started over a year ago and I have no idea where I intended it to go. Please leave a review, they're what keep me writing and I'd love to hear what you though. Thanks for reading and hopefully you'll be seeing more of me soon!