Shoutout to SeriousSubwayFlirting, for without her I'm not really sure where I'd be with this whole writing thing. Also, mega thank you to everyone who's stuck with this or is reading it for the first time! I love you!
I.
"Tell me how all this, and love too, will ruin us.
These, our bodies, possessed by light.
Tell me we'll never get used to it."
-Richard Siken, 'Scheherazade'
;;
This is not a love story. No, rather it's a story of destruction, of a panic that ebbs as well as it flows, inflates and deflates, like the middle of the night when headlights pass through the window: flashes of light that don't last, chaos cutting through the calm. And like all panic, it follows a rhythm.
It moves like the tide in the middle of winter and you're standing on the shore, the frigid air prickling your skin as you watch the heavy and harsh waves crash into the sand. It gets better with each pull, gets worse with each push. The crest of each wave balances between the two, lost to the brisk and salty air as it takes a desperate breath before it goes under again. Where does it push, when does it pull?
And it's always panic, but it can be hushedly told that it's something else. Anger, passion, fear, light bordering on happiness, maybe even love.
But this is not a love story.
;;
This is how Revan begins to let go:
Breathing.
She's breathing, and it's the only thing she's sure about at the moment.
She doesn't know what it means to see stars, not figuratively at least, but she remembers a time when her vision exploded in blank, blinding light, and maybe that's the closest she's come. All she sees now is stars, on the flat of her back, on the flat of the roof, and she can hear Talvon next to her, breathing like there's no pressure to stay alive.
And maybe that's a little familiar too.
She glances over at him, at the light reflecting in his eyes and across his teeth and she thinks he has bits of the universe inside him, feels like she's only ten feet beneath the moon. He's already watching her, expression not unreadable, but she doesn't want to read it.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks, and it's such a loaded question, could be answered so many different ways it makes her head spin a little.
Revan presses her lips together for a breath, pauses, and lets her gaze travel back up to the stars. "You tell me."
"I don't know," he says automatically, but makes a noise that makes her think he's reconsidering it, "Don't sidetrack me by making me guess."
The sky is black, not permanent like ink or soft like velvet, but like black smoke blocking out the sun and she doesn't miss it. She smiles a little as Talvon tugs on her wrist, pulls her into his side before she lets the words fall out. Quiet.
"Kae's leaving."
"Again?"
She flicks at his other hand resting on his stomach, tries not to think of her Master's clear eyes as they said goodbye that morning. She tries not to remember the way Kae braided her hair as if she was a child again, folding the strands over each other like pulling her thoughts back together after they've scattered across the floor.
She tries not to remember the room set ablaze with the afternoon sun, the way she felt pale in comparison.
"'S not funny," she says when Talvon huffs a quiet laugh.
She glances over at him and his smile falls when his eyes meet hers. "I don't know what you're expecting, Rev."
"To be fair," she says, her voice is calm, always calm, "I don't either."
He shakes his head, "What are we going to do with you?"
She thinks it's a funny question because she's always known she's had a plan, that her destiny was wrapped tight in a box waiting to be opened. She thinks now that it isn't true, that she doesn't know what she's sure of, doesn't know when this all started and if it'll ever stop. She doesn't know if Kae will ever stay for more than three months at a time.
She feels a bit bitter. She wants to laugh for days.
"I've been talking to Vrook," she starts.
Talvon snorts, "Sounds promising."
"Shut up, he's nice."
"I'm sure," he says, smile not disappearing, "So what did he have to say?"
"Just that he'd help me until Kae comes back. He knows if I wait I won't be Knighted any time soon," she says, eyes full of stars. She wishes thick lines of clouds would roll in, turn the sky that hazy shade of light, heavy and full of winter as the darkness burns until it bleeds pale. She wants to be covered in snow and listen to their heartbeats in the heavy silence. She wants that more than anything.
Talvon adjusts his hand on her back, oblivious to her thoughts, "That wouldn't be so bad, would it?" he asks, "Give the rest of us a chance to catch up."
"Yeah I'm sure you'd love that."
"I would, actually," he says, "You'll leave and I'll be here pretending that I don't hate my life."
She smiles, keeps her eyes fixed to the moon. "Well maybe if you worked a little harder."
"You know that's not true," he says, and she doesn't think anything of it at first, "You're different...or whatever it is the Council is always raging on about."
And she has to remember to breathe. "I don't want to talk about this," she says, and her voice is quiet but still strong.
Always strong.
Minutes pass without a word spoken and Talvon is steady beside her. She listens to his heart drumming away in his chest, listens to the quiet of the night and she thinks she's okay, that she can breathe without the notion that any minute she could choke. Asphyxiation is not the most comforting thought.
Neither is being alone.
Talvon shifts after a while, his torso arching back a bit and in the process jostling her to the side. She pouts up at him but his smile is easy on his too wide lips, and she's okay, she's okay, she's okay.
"Kae will come back," he says, and she nods because she knows. She knows now but doesn't know if there'll be a time when she won't.
"I know."
And that's the last they talk for a while.
And she's okay.
;;
Revan wakes to honey-colored light falling backwards through the window. She wakes to warm sheets and a wrinkled pillowcase. She wakes to the sound of nothingness, the silence of early morning brought on by the sun angled too bright, too soon for her to be awake. Her eyes are wide and she doesn't want them to be, wants to swim in the room of honey, a dreamy haze of dust and sunlight.
And then she wakes to harsh sound rapping against her door.
She groans before she swings her legs over the edge of the bed, the cold press of the floor is jarring to her still sleepy state of mind. Pushing her hands over her face and through her hair, she takes each step gingerly, trying to balance the sound of her door and her bare feet against cold tile.
Loose fingers grasp the handle and the sun reaches Talvon before she gets the chance to. It's only a moment that she's watching him, the strange glint of his eyes and the lack of a smile, but his voice breaks the silence.
"Let's go," he says.
"Where?"
He just shakes his head, pushing the door closed with him behind it. Left alone in her room, she bites her lip as she presses her ear to the door, can feel the weight of him on the other side.
If she closes her eyes she can almost feel him when he speaks. "Just get changed, we're going out," he says, and she moves back into her room, away from the shadows and into the honey light, into leggings and a clean robe that smells vaguely of kolto and detergent.
It's comforting.
She meets him outside the door once more, he's leaning against the wall opposite and his eyes crinkle when she glances over at him. "Ready?"
"Where are we going?" she asks again, maybe because it's early, maybe because they don't do this, or maybe it's because once they're out in the early morning air he grabs her hand, locking their fingers together. Secure.
He just shakes his head again, "I can't tell you."
"Talvon."
"My lips are sealed," he says, miming a zipper over his lips, turning the key and throwing it over his shoulder. He's so dumb but she likes him so much.
She shakes her head, focuses on the way her eyes are still adjusting to the brightness of the sky. The clouds have yet to roll in and the grass is still wet, somewhere in the back of Revan's mind it registers that maybe life will never get any better than this exact moment.
Talvon squeezes her hand before he lets go, settling down into what seems to be a random spot of grass and she raises a brow before joining him, legs stretched out and arms supporting her from behind. Her robes are damp from the earth below her but she can't bring herself to care, can only watch as the pale sky ignites beneath the sun.
"Is this all?" she asks.
He laughs. "The sun is rising and you ask me if that's all. You know there's no guarantee that it'll ever happen again, right? This could be the last one, Rev."
She smiles but it makes her feel a little sad, makes her want to soak up the last little bits of it until she's nothing but light. She shakes her head. "Then it's an awful good one."
They're quiet as the pale light is replaced by pink yellow, pink purple, pink blue. They're quiet until Revan's stomach breaks the calm, crying out in a hunger she wishes she didn't have. Talvon laughs at her but he helps her up, shakes his head as she attempts to wipe most of the grass and dirt off the backs of her leggings.
"Come on," he says and he reaches for her hand again, she doesn't know when that became a thing.
He lets go at the first sign of people. She pretends she doesn't notice.
The cafeteria is already charged with the morning's energy. She puts a hand on Talvon's shoulder to steer him in the right direction of their table where Cariaga is already seated. Revan returns the smiles offered at her but it wears a bit thin when she notices Nisotsa in her peripheral.
And Revan likes Cariaga, honestly she does. She loves her quiet humor and the way she doesn't need to always say something to fill the quiet. Revan thinks that peace must emanate off of her at all times, a lot different from herself but it makes spending time together that much better.
She likes her so much.
So Revan really doesn't understand why she associates herself so well with the likes of Nisotsa.
I've known her since I was four, Rev, doesn't sit well with her, but then again neither does, she's just a bit misunderstood.
It's been a while, she thinks, so it shouldn't make a difference now. It doesn't help, though, that Nisotsa's pointedly not looking at Revan, instead watching Talvon with her narrowed gaze and Revan just wants to laugh. It's already ridiculous.
Talvon looks between them, brief but she catches him, and his voice is normal but his eyes are bright beneath the artificial lights mixing with the sun. "How are you guys this morning?"
Cariaga nods, but Nisotsa's smile is blinding, "Did you hear the news?"
"No?" Talvon prods.
"Kavar just got cleared for his first Padawan."
Revan squints her eyes against the sun, looks down at the table where the specks of color blur together and sit sour in her vision. She puts her hand over them and looks up at Nisotsa. "And you want it to be you, that's cool, Ni."
"Revan I'm nineteen years old, of course I don't—"
"Oi, you do," Talvon adds, "Come on, Nisotsa, let's be a bit reasonable here."
She just rolls her eyes. "Will you ever grow up, Tal?"
Revan can feel the words drag at the corners of her lips, glances over at Talvon who's smiling like he's discovered he's going to live forever. "I will when you do, babe."
Revan exhales, but it sounds more like a laugh than a breath. She shakes her head, moves her fingers across the table before she stands. "I'm going to get some tea, anyone want anything?"
She doesn't get much of a response from any of them, so she moves across the sun streaked cafeteria, keeps moving until her hands are warm, surrounding a cup of tea and somehow that makes everything brighter.
She doesn't really consider going back until she senses Cariaga beside her, glances over to see wide eyes watching her, apologetic smile sitting on her lips.
"Are you okay?" she asks, stepping closer until Revan can make out the darker rings of her irises. They blink, echoing mediums of brown until they open again.
Revan smiles. "Of course, why?"
"Well it's just...you know, I worry about you and Ni."
"Don't," she answers, lowering her eyes past steam and chipped paint to watch the last of the milk fade into her tea. It's still spinning slowly from her spoon, winding down and slowing to a stop. One more pull. "Everything is sunshine, Cariaga. Come on, let's go back."
Cariaga's eyes narrow before she nods and Revan links their arms together until Talvon's frown is visible. He looks up at Revan and a smile washes over his face like rain. She pretends that it isn't meant for her.
She sits down.
;;
The training rooms are a bit stuffy now that summer is fully settling in. Revan focuses on breathing in the warm, heavy air instead of Vrook sitting aside her, his back straight as he fiddles with her lightsaber on the workbench, a shouldn't you be doing this falling from his lips every few moments. She smiles at him whenever he glances up at her, but he only rolls his eyes and goes back to work.
She likes him, she honestly does.
"Vrook?" she asks.
He makes a noncommittal noise but after setting aside one of the tools in his hands he looks over at her. She takes that as a cue to continue.
First she takes a breath.
"How are you?"
His hands stop moving for the slightest of moments, his brow crinkling but he goes right back to work. "What do you actually want, Revan?"
"No, honestly, how are you? You know, in the grand scheme of things. You okay? Doing alright?"
She cheers for herself silently when he smiles and this time his hands stop completely. He shakes his head a little. "I'm doing rather well, I'd say. And you?"
"Fine, fine," she clips, "A bit worried, you know."
He raises a brow. "About?"
"Well I mean, my status amongst the Jedi Order can't be too secure, right? I'd like to be Knighted sooner rather than later, but I'm not sure how that's going to be possible with Kae gone. No offense to you, Vrook, but you're not my Master."
"Revan," he starts, drawing a heavy sigh, "It will happen. Don't concern yourself with the timing of it. I know Master Kae leaving isn't the best situation but it will be resolved, practice a bit of patience in the meantime."
Resolved. She doesn't like that word.
She quirks her lips to the side, traces her eyes along the clean lines of the workbench. "Okay," she says, "But the Council doesn't see me differently, right?"
His eyes soften only slightly and it sends a weird ping in her stomach, makes her ache a little bit inside and out. He shakes his head again. "You can't control these circumstances, and all we can consider is you as an individual."
The walls sit heavy along the edges of her vision, crowd her in as she watches Vrook's rough and aged hands move along the shell of her lightsaber. "Vrook?" she says.
His eyes lift from where he's gone back to work, soft around the edges. She doesn't understand what other people see in him.
"Yes?"
"What are your thoughts on the balance between both sides of the Force?"
His brows furrow for a long moment, eyes turned curious as he watches her. "Why?" he asks.
"I've been thinking about it," she says, "That's all."
"And what have you been thinking?"
She pauses and forgets to think carefully, her thoughts bleed together like paint in murky water when she lets them go. "Well," she starts, "Kae says that if you're only drawing on the light you can't really reach your full potential, that there's no way you can be complete. That doesn't necessarily mean you have to draw on the dark, but if you can understand those emotions like fear and anger, then you'll be able to more easily let them go. Does that sound right?"
Revan watches his hands creep up the shell of her lightsaber, his lips pulled tight and his brows stay furrowed. It's a long moment between them in which Vrook doesn't say anything.
It's the first time she considers that maybe she's wrong, that maybe Kae is wrong and she honestly doesn't know what to make of that.
"Okay," is what Vrook says, "I think that'll be enough for today."
She wants to argue, ask why because she wants a definitive answer for once. She wants to know so many things, but all she says is, "Tomorrow, then."
He nods, handing her back her lightsaber, her smile faint as the familiar shape fills the cracks of her palms. She watches him leave, breathes in the stuffy air.
One breath, one push.
;;
This is how Revan's future changes for good:
Thoughts of Vrook still race around her mind as she walks through the halls of the Enclave. Her focus runs between remembering the crinkle of his brow and watching her steps as she stretches between the sunspots along the tiled floor.
She moves across the shadows and into trails of dust floating around her. Warmth surrounds her and she feels like she's floating away, that the dust isn't dust at all, but stars splattered across the galaxy and she's at the center of it all. She's not really sure what that's supposed to mean, but it feels important.
She get's so caught up in the feeling of light and warmth that she doesn't even realize she's knocked into someone until she pulls back to apologize and oh—
He's tall. He's very, very tall.
His gaze is wide and intense, his clear eyes blink after a moment's hesitation and soon a slow smile creeps onto his lips. "Revan," he says, and his voice is so much deeper but still so slow.
She nods, her brows are raised but all her eyes can do is roam over his smooth skin, pale tattoos tracing his scalp just the same. She wants to say something, tries to form words but all she can do is huff out an awkward laugh.
A short moment passes before his eyes catch hers and his smile shifts. "Do you remember me?" he asks.
Does she remember him? Does she remember him?
She remembers everything. She remembers dimples and wide, straight smiles, the slow and steady lilt of his voice and the sharp bark of his laugh. She remembers late nights watching holovids that didn't mean anything, but she remembers feeling like she did. She remembers red and gold, red and gold, red and gold, the loss of control and so much bloody, brilliant red.
She knows the thick white line crossing her lips better than she knows her own voice..
She knows how it feels to not be the best.
Of course she remembers him.
"Malak," she says. It's all she says.
"It's good to see you," he says, his voice still slow, "'S been a while, yeah?"
"If you consider five years a while."
He smiles, and all she can see are dimples and blue. Everything is blue.
"We were only thirteen," he says, and she can feel it. Chaos and calm cut through her as she tries to keep the sun-choked smile on her lips. One more push, one more pull.
And she doesn't know what to say. She doesn't know Malak anymore. The tall stranger before her is just a stranger, not the young boy that made her bleed. He's nothing, he's nothing, he's nothing.
So she nods. "Yeah, we were."
There's an awkward lull in which they both watch each other, lost between conversations they've had and the ones they didn't get the chance to have. She's better than this, she thinks, she knows that there isn't anything there anymore. He's lost to the panels of glass and light blinking through. He doesn't matter, he doesn't matter, he doesn't matter.
"So what are you doing back on Dantooine?" she asks, she doesn't mean for it to sound like she wishes he wasn't here.
She doesn't, really.
His wide eyes don't change though, the fondness and hint of a smile still lingers. "Zhar wanted to take a break from Coruscant. He thought I could use some quiet to prepare to be Knighted and get my plans together for after."
"Busy guy," is all she says.
He shrugs, "I guess, you?"
"Busy? Nope, not me. Just standing in the hallway, you know, trying to remember what I had for breakfast this morning."
His sharp laugh is just the same. "And?"
"Just tea."
"Ah," he says, and she thinks he's only pretending to take it seriously, "But I meant what are you up to, you know, as a whole?"
"Well, not much, I don't suppose. Hoping to get Knighted soon as well, but don't tell Vrook that. He thinks I still need him to adjust my lightsaber crystal and I don't have the heart to tell him otherwise."
She sends him a wink and he huffs out another guffaw. It isn't endearing. It's not.
"I should probably get going, Malak," she says right when he goes to say something more, "I suppose I'll be seeing you around though?"
He nods, "I hope so."
She nods too, moving past him and into the next sunspot she's been eyeing for the better part of their conversation. She wants to pretend she can't sense him lingering, that she doesn't notice the way he makes no effort to move. In her focus she hesitates, so she turns to face him once more, his expectant eyes meet hers and she feels so unlike herself.
"Revan," is all he says.
She raises a brow, pretends that she's completely calm though her hands tucked behind her back would say otherwise. Her lips part, "Yes?"
"I'm glad you're still here."
Her smile is heavy but she offers it to him anyways. He's blue, everything is so, so blue.
She doesn't say anything else, but the way his eyes crinkle tell her that she probably doesn't have to. She doesn't know how you're supposed to talk to someone you were close with when you were a kid, doesn't know if the sun is blinding her or if Malak is slowly disappearing beneath dust and shadows.
She turns and listens to the sound of her boots against the tiled floors.
;;
"Ow!"
Talvon looks up at her with betrayal in his eyes, thumb running over his arm where her hand still lingers.
"What the hell was that for?" he asks.
"Did you know that Malak is back?"
His face twists and falls, and she pulls in a deep breath as he squints back up at her, only one word left between his lips. "Malak?"
"Malak," she repeats, "Please tell me you remember Malak."
A slow smile softens his expression, eyes slanting away as he dissolves into laughter, quick air flitting in and out as he tries to compose himself.
"What?" she asks.
"I'm sorry," he says, still trying to control his laugh, "But you're kidding me, right? I look at you every day, Rev."
She resists the way her eyes want to roll, instead looking up from where he's sitting. The plains are unnaturally quiet while the sun begins to melt into the thick line of blba trees lining the horizon. She presses her lips together for a moment, looking back down at Talvon. "He scarred me."
"No shavit."
She squirms a little under his gaze focused on her lips and she tries not to remember a mouth full of blood, skin melting purple and green for weeks. Tries not to hear the way Malak apologized, words left on his lips because they both knew he was leaving in just a few hours.
She remembers it being a bit different after that.
"He's really back?" Talvon asks, distracting her just for the moment so that she can remember Malak as he is now: all long limbs and broad shoulders, wide eyes and not at all like the gangly boy she knew.
"Well I did just talk to him."
He rolls his eyes. "I get that, but what's he doing here?"
"I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention, something about getting Knighted or I don't know. Talvon."
"What?" he says, eyes snapping up to hers, "Are you still mad at him?"
"No, no, of course I'm not. I don't know what I am. There's just—something. I don't know what it is, but I'm freaking out a little bit, okay?"
He huffs out a laugh but the gleam in his smile is suspicious. "You really are, though."
"Yes and I'd really appreciate it if you'd help me stop."
He frowns, one side of his face is outlined in the sun. "I'd love to, but I don't know what to tell you, Rev. I don't think I really get it, to be honest. He's just some kid that almost ripped your jaw off, I mean, that's in the past. Can you really blame him for it now?"
Her stomach twists softly like a sigh moving through her bloodstream. It makes her throat burn before she finally moves to sit down next to Talvon, who takes her hand in his and outlines each finger with his own, traces the wrinkles of her knuckles with his nail and she can feel it in her spine, looks up at the same time he does.
"It kind of changed my life, you know," she says but her voice is quiet now. Calm cutting through the chaos.
Talvon's right eye squints a little and it's then that she realizes how close he is. "Did it?" he asks, and yes, there's so many reasons that it did but she can't think of any of them right now, doesn't know what to think at all. Her back is warm from where the sun is resting on it but it doesn't register.
There's just one thought that stays.
"I met you because of him," she says, eyes tracing the constellations of freckles dotting his cheekbones.
She doesn't see Talvon's smile so much as she senses it. His voice is soft, impossibly soft, like the way she feels when she's first waking up. A bit fuzzy around the edges.
"We met in the medbay bathroom," he says, and it's all he needs to say.
He leans in.
;;
The Star Forge is so, so far away, but it's sitting at the edge of cold, dead space, and it's waiting for them. This is how Revan kills Malak:
She's sitting in a field with Talvon, and they're sitting too close, sitting on the edge of a precipice and she doesn't know if she wants to push herself over. She feels like she's in a tall building and all the lights are off, but she's following the reflection of stars along the murky carpet, splattered like white paint against the blackness of it all.
Her eyes are heavy with the sun and she's too close.
They say that every action has a reaction, that the floor pushes against you when you move across it, that the Force echoes through all the empty parts of the galaxy, moves and twists in ways that can't be expected, can't be contained or controlled. It doesn't matter because anything you do will have some reaction. Every action has a reaction.
Revan doesn't take a step forward.
She doesn't know.