Title: Six Degrees Of Separation
Rating: K+
Summary: Chryed have broken up. Again. And it's all Christian can do not to fall apart.
Disclaimer: I don't own Christian or Syed. All recognisable characters are property of EastEnders and the BBC.
Sorry for being AWOL for the last few months! But I'm back and raring to go! This short one-shot is set just after the Chryed wedding, when Syed and Christian are apart once again. It's also loosely based on a song of the same title by The Script. If anyone doesn't know it, here are the lyrics to the chorus:
First, you think the worst is a broken heart
What's gonna kill you is the second part
And the third, is when your world splits down the middle
And fourth, you're gonna think that you fixed yourself
Fifth, you see them out with someone else
And the sixth is when you admit that you may have fucked up a little
But, if you don't know the song, I suggest you have a listen; I think it is perfect for Chryed! In fact, most songs by The Script are perfect for Chryed. I saw them live on tour the other day and fell in love with them even more!
Christian woke with a jolt, in a cold, empty bed. You'd think I'd be used to this by now, he thought bitterly to himself. He had broken up with Syed so many times before, that he was beginning to think it was all part and parcel of their relationship. One of them (usually Syed) would say something stupid in the heat of the moment, and the other (usually Christian) would storm out, claiming it was over between them. But there was something different this time. Something that broke Christian's heart more than the other times. They were married. Didn't that count for anything? Syed was supposed to be able to open up to him; to tell him when things were getting too tough for him to handle. That's what he was there for. But now, Syed couldn't even tell him that he loved him. That one thing shocked Christian more than anything. He had never thought that he could ever have doubted Syed's feelings for him. If Syed wasn't even sure of that simple fact, how were they supposed to move forward? In reality, Christian was starting to realise, even admit to himself, that their relationship had been doomed from the start. From the word go, there had always been one thing or another standing in their way, and all of Syed's baggage and family crises over the years hadn't helped, either. Christian was starting to realise, though he hoped it wasn't true, that he had possibly wasted the last few years of his life on something that was never going to work. God knows he's had his heart broken by Syed more times that he cared to remember. But this time was different. This time, he was feeling something more than heartbreak. Right now, Christian felt lost, helpless, and completely and utterly alone. It was as though his life as a whole, not just his life with Syed, had come to an abrupt end. He was standing on the edge of a precipice, with his world collapsing around him as he watched, and he had no idea how he was going to find his way back. Christian wrapped his arms around his chest, as though he could literally hold together the pieces of his life which were falling away. He allowed himself to sob, allowed the pain and gut-wrenching fear to overtake him, but only for ten short minutes. That was all he was going to allow himself. Because he knew that, if he allowed himself any longer than that, he would venture into unknown territory, from which he didn't know if he would be able to return. He had given himself, body and soul, to this man whom he loved more than he had ever thought possible. He had given his love, unconditionally, irrevocably, and what did he have to show for it? A marriage which had failed before it had even begun and a few years of his life wasted.
Shaking his head, Christian dragged himself out of bed and forced himself to have a shower. Things always seemed better after a nice relaxing shower. At least, that's what he forced himself to believe. The heat of the water as it pounded down on him was a welcome relief, and did soothe him a little, if only temporarily. It was as though he was washing away all of the hurt. He was Christian Clarke, for crying out loud! He never let himself get hurt. And, on the occasions he was, he hid it well, under his mask. That was what he had to do right now. He had to put that mask back on. Because for anyone else to see that he was hurting would be his undoing. He couldn't bare to hear people's false sympathies. He didn't want to hear that it would all work out in the end, because he honestly wasn't sure that it would. So instead, he would put on his mask, and pretend to everyone that he was fine. That he had come to terms with losing the only mad he had ever (and probably would only ever) love. That nothing was wrong, and that his heart hadn't broken into a million pieces. Because maybe, just maybe, if other people believed it, then so could he. As the water washed away the last remaining suds of soap, Christian couldn't help but laugh bitterly. That was how his relationship was at this precise moment; he was trying (and failing, on the inside, at least) to let go of the last remaining pieces of love that he felt for Syed. But he knew it wasn't going to be that simple.
Every time Christian closed his eyes, all he could see was Syed and Danny. He saw them laughing together, talking together, touching each other, kissing, and, worst of all, he saw them having sex. He never knew it could hurt so much, seeing someone he loved so much with someone else, even if it was only in his head. He had never thought that he would ever need to visualize anything like this. It had never entered his mind before that Syed would ever cheat on him, let alone in the run up to their wedding. He laughed again, coldly. Their wedding. What a farce. Syed had even married him on a lie. So much for trust. Christian just couldn't understand why Syed hadn't come to him when he needed help. He had thought that Syed could talk to him about anything. But apparently not. He had been going on and on about weddings, and honeymoons, and their perfect little family, while inside, Syed had been falling apart.
Maybe he hadn't paid enough attention. Maybe Syed had given him signs that he wasn't coping, and Christian had been to buy planning the rest of their lives that he hadn't paid any attention to the man in the here and now. If that was the case, was it any wonder, then, that Syed had looked elsewhere? At first, it would have just been someone to talk to, someone who would listen to him. But when Christian kept blocking him out, kept focusing too far ahead, was that when Syed had gone looking for more? Did Christian really have more involvement in Syed's cheating than he had first thought?
Christian was stood before the mirror, and suddenly realised that he was dressed. He couldn't even remember getting out of the shower. He took a deep breath. He looked like hell, but there wasn't anything that could be done about that now. Maybe when he was more fixed up on the inside, and his broken heart had started to heal, he would be able to fix how he looked on the outside. But for now, he knew that he had to at least appear strong, and so, with all the strength he could muster, he walked out the door to meet his fate...