When I'm Gone
A/N: Written for my own musings. Just a series of songfics that run throughout book 6.
The next one will be up tomorrow. Enjoy!
There's another world inside of me… I don't think you ever knew. I wanted you to find out on your own. To learn this lesson. Why can't you just leave me in this hell of my own?
The water is dripping from the ceiling. Pissing him off again. The nocturnal sounds of breathing, growling, whimpering, they're the sounds of madness, of being trapped in this godforsaken place. Merlin, he thinks. He can't think straight, or make sense of the words buzzing in his head.
That you may never see… he never wanted Tonks to know. He just… wanted to protect her.
The news of the underground, the society of werewolves, had leaked through to the public. And they would not allow him back into the Wizarding world. Not when he had been branded already. They knew the number, and the moon lurking across the tight skin.
Greyback's mark lingered dutifully on his chest. He was here for one purpose, and it was for Dumbledore. That was why he had allowed them to burn it across his heart.
"There are secrets in this life, that I can't show you love." Those had been his words weeks ago, before he had decided to come here. Through the darkness… He's never known the meaning of light when it comes to his life. Since Sirius' death, he has given up on the chance of light and warmth. It wasn't until Tonks touched him, got under his skin, did the hope spark to life.
Dammit, that I can't hide. He couldn't hide anymore underneath in the wet, dank camps. The public knew, she knew where and what he was doing now.
Somewhere in this darkness there's a light that I can't find, it's you, love. I can't find you here through this. The growling rumbled through to his ears once his hand found flesh. Jerking away, he's surprised to notice that there are actually werewolves sleeping in the same chamber as he.
Of course, supposing the impossible chance that Dumbledore might succeed didn't give him greater review when it came to support, but the fact that they were anywhere near him was unbelievable.
Maybe it's too far away… he reaches out in the darkness in front of him. Or maybe I'm just blind… the darkness coveres his eyes like a blindfold. Yeah, or maybe I'm just blind… he blinks in the darkness. Nighttime is overrated to him. Or maybe he just can't tell the time of the day anymore. It's too dark in the cavern system anyway. So, love, so. "Hold me when I'm here, while you can, while you still love me," he knows that his words will make the others' ears prick in irritation, but they shouldn't have chosen to share his chamber.
"Right me when I'm wrong," he mutters. "You should've kept me around while you had the chance." Someone's arms move to reach for him, but he's against the farthest wall, away from the entry. Great for escape, he thinks morbidly.
"Hold me when I'm scared, and love me when I'm gone," Hell, I'm hoping against hope you still love me, he thinks silently.
Everything I am, every part of my being, Nymphadora, he mutters sullenly to himself through the silence, and everything in me wants to be the one you wanted me to be. But no, I'm not the whole, lovely man you need. Why did you choose me?
I'll never let you down. Even when he knows that he's doing just that, letting her down by sitting here in the damp cavern. The burn across his chest aches to remind him.
Even if I could I'd give up everything, every last thing I've got to my name, and every part of me if only for your good.
So hold me when I'm here, you should've held me when I was close to you, I'm trying so hard not to blame myself, he thinks guiltily and blames Merlin and Dumbledore for each blunder he's made when it comes to those he loved. They've each fallen away.
When I was wrong, you should've hammered the right answer into my skull until I repeated you. Right me when I'm wrong. You can hold me when I'm scared, I'll let you, my little Nymph. You won't always be there, and I know this so well, but you tell me otherwise. I'm gone, what are you waiting for to leave? You're apartment is only across London.
So love me when I'm gone. Do you still love me? Love me… when I'm gone… I'm right here. When your education X-Ray cannot see under my skin, when you figure out that you can't get to me, you always use that excuse, that it's because you love me. Reminiscing, he remembers her words.
"C'mon, dammit! Let me see it! I know what's going on, Lupin! I know where you've been and you can't say it's out of the country!"
Through the dark, he counters her. He knows she's not around to hear him. But bearing and dealing with the guilt is all he can handle. Damn it to hell whether or not she could hear it.
"I won't tell you a damn thing that I could not tell my friends." James' and Sirius' faces flash across his memory. He couldn't even tell Sirius what he had been planning for himself this whole time. He's sitting here in the darkness, wondering, if after all, it wasn't such a great plan. Sirius would hunt him down as Padfoot and murder him for this.
"I'd go back to Azkaban for a real reason," he always muttered darkly.
Roaming through this darkness, roaming through the darkness, on hands and knees he struggles to see the entryway to the cramped cavern chamber. I'm alive but I'm alone, halfheartedly he thinks, part of me is fighting this. But part of me is gone. I love you, Nymphadora. Or maybe I'm just blind… I'm blind to your love.
Along the cavern walls he struggles until the smells of the world beyond and the forest outside the cave light his senses. He heads toward one of the many tunnels that lead out.
Love me when I'm gone…
He stands above ground looking up at the moon through the bare branches that reach up to the sky defiant against the chill in the air. Winter was coming, but he wasn't leaving anytime soon to go back to his love.
Love me when I'm gone. Closing his eyes, he sighs against the truth of reality. I'm here. And you're there, still waiting. Still loving.
I'm gone.
Music and lyrics belong to 3 Doors Down.
Characters and other related Magical world items belong to J. K. Rowling.
Thanks for reading!
Moony73