Standing at the nurses station with raf, Serena for the first time in a long time she finally feels happy, Robbie the bobbie has finally gone and she has realised that Bernie is not coming back and has stopped letting her rule her thoughts, although she is still feeling a bit guilty off-loading on Jason the way she did, she knows she has to make it right with Jason and is not looking forward to the conversation she has been putting off for a few days now.
Raf can't help but notice the smile on Serenas face, 'has she finally let Bernie go' he thinks, although he don't dare ask her in case he inadvertently wiped her smile, now AAU is getting back to some sort of normality.
But in that moment Raf glances up and he can't hide his shock and surprise, is he seeing things, no it can't be. Serena looks up to him her back to the door "what's up Raf? What is it?", "Miss Campbell, Mr De Lucca" and voice quietly says from the door way. Serena does not dare turn around, 'could it be, no surely not', then a sudden wave of anger fills Serenas as she turns her head. Its Bernie standing there eyes to the floor hands in her pockets not sure what to do, fighting the urge to turn on her heels and run back to Kiev.
"Bernie, welcome back" Raf said with fear in his eyes.
Serena stands their unable to move or react, suddenly she was back 3 months ago all those feelings of anger, disappointment and fear and love running through her head, looking at the women standing across the room from her, she looked beaten down and fragile, 'has the time apart ripped Bernies heart out like it had hers' serena thinks. She had thought if she ever saw her again she would run back into her arms, but something was stopping her and she could not put her finger on what it was, and just like that she regained her composure.
"Ms Wolfe your late, get a move on it's time for the rounds" Serena snaps, he smile now gone, as Bernie snaps out of her trance an hurries to their office.
"Serena be nice, chin up and smile" Raf says with a cheeky smile.
Now in their office Bernie takes a deep breath 'that's that hardest bit done she's seen her' she thinks. Taking off her coat and gloves she realises her heart is beating un controllably, she thought she was over Serena but in that moment when she first saw her she knew that she was straight back to square one, she can't help but love her. A small tear runs down her face as the office door swing open.
"Come on Ms Wolf" Serenas voice not as sharp as before but still like a dagger.
"Serena can …" Bernie tries to say something else but nothing comes out.
"Mr Smith bay 2" Serena says, her tone easing. Serenas was still reeling from a few minutes ago.
"Yes umm… right Mr Smith" Bernie made sure she stayed ½ a step behind Serena after all this was her ward her domain, 'maybe this was a bad idea coming back' she thinks.
The next hour was properly the most painful thing they both have felt, although for different reasons. For Bernie she realised that she still loved Serena more in fact than before if that was even possible and all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around Serena waist and tell her how sorry she was and how much she needs her.
Serena on the other hand much to her own shock, all she really felt was anger 'why would she do this? why is she back? How dare she walk back into her ward and act as if nothing has happened?' the anger rose inside her and for the first time she knew she was more hurt and angry than in love with Bernie 'was this her getting over Bernie?' only time would tell. She had never felt like this before all she wanted to do was love her but she just could not and it hurt.
Raf could see the hurt in Serena eyes, he had not seen that look since the day Bernie decided to leave for Kiev. He took the first opportunity he could to pull Serena to one side to check on her.
"So how are you feeling" Raf says with hesitancy in his voice not sure whether he wants to know.
"You know what I'm fine, well I'm a little angry, what's she doing back Raf? She broke my heart and I finally managed to put it back together again and move on and she's back, she was never good at her timing" a wry smile filled her face "I thought I would still love her but I don't or at least I don't think I do". Tears started to roll down her face with the realisation that she may just have let her go, these were tears of relief.
"Good or bad tears?" Raf remarks
"Good I think, I think I have let her go, I just want my friend back Raf that's all I want." Wiping away the tears she stands up and turns to Raf "let's get back to it then?"
"Lets" Raf replies with a smile on his face.
…
4 Hours Later
Morvan needed a break the atmosphere in AAU was almost unbearable, so she head out to Arthurs garden.
"Bernie" Morvan had assumed she had left as she had not been seen for a few hours, has she been here all along.
"There you are we missed you up there, Bernie look at me!" Bernies back was turned, Morvan put her hand on her shoulder and pulled her round, much to her surprise Bernie was in bits, her eyes were red raw and she was shaking, Movern wondered how long she had been crying for, Bernie was always the strong one she thought.
"Pull it together Major"
Bernie almost snapped to attention right there, 'old habits die hard' she thought "Oh Morvan what fool I have been I should never have left"
"Then why did you?" Morvan sharpens he tone, after all she didn't just walk out on Serena but all of them.
"I..I" Bernie struggles to get the words out.
"For god sake Ms Wolfe just spit it out" Morvan snaps, she even surprised herself with that, she had not realised how much Bernie leaving had affected her as well, she was angry but Bernie deserved a chance to explain.
"You know when you have been lying about who you are your whole life it almost becomes normal you switch off and stop yourself from feeling anything, you almost stop caring because no one knows the truth but yourself"
"That still does not answer my question" Morvan interrupts
"You know since I was outed so publicly it's been strange for the first time ever I did not need to lie, I could finally express my feelings, be who I wanted to be and not who other needed me to be. For the first time I have allowed myself to feel things I had been suppressing for years, I felt like a kid again and it scared me and then I meet Serena and she somehow made this new found freedom easier, she didn't judge me like others had, every time I messed up she forgave me.
Yes I wanted her I still do I was just not expecting her to want me back. I know if we didn't kiss that day in our office I properly would have stayed after all up until that point I had convinced myself it was all in my head and if there was one thing I was good at it is controlling my feelings. Then she had to go and say she loved me and I wanted to but I could not say it back, I could not believe how easy it was for someone to take hold of my heart, she was only person that mattered to me."
Morvan tried hard to mask her surprise, 'so the rumours were true'.
For the first time Bernie turned to face Morvan.
"I did not know how to process all of my feelings.. her feelings, so I did the only thing I knew how to do and that was run."
"So why did you decide to come back?" Morven prodded, she did not want to press too much as she felt this was the most Bernie had ever said to anyone.
Bernie turned away again.
"Jason…Jason called me and said Serena needed me. I let myself believe that she still loved me and she was too proud to tell me herself and according to Jason she still loved me. But…..but looking into her eyes today I realised that I was wrong, no longer did I see the love in her eyes but I saw anger, regret and not the person I feel in love with, I fear all she wants is friendship and I'm not sure I can cope with just that. I think it's time for me to leave for good this time".
"NO Ms Wolfe you don't get to be the coward again and run" Morvan snaps "It's not all about Serena what about the rest of us? You hurt us too by leaving and what about the trauma unit. You Ms Wolfe need to man up and start being an adult about it, pull yourself together, straighten yourself up" a wry smile came across both their faces when they realised what she said, "and get back up there and be the brilliant doctor and friend we all know you are and take it one day at a time."
With that Morvan turned around and headed back up the AAU.
Bernie stood there for a while phone in her hand, she found herself clicking on the BA website and looking at flights back to Kiev, if she leaves right now she can make the last flight and be back for work in the morning. When it came to press that button she could not bring herself to purchase the tickets, she kept thinking 'maybe just maybe there is something… I have to try, I'm done running I love her too much'. With that she wiped away the tears turned and headed back up stairs.
…..
3hrs 50 mins earlier;
Serena has just got out of another meeting with Ric, and thinks it's time for a break so decides to head down to Arthurs garden, so she take a slow walk down stairs.
Just before she reaches the garden she hears Morvan say rather forcefully "snap out of it major" , which makes her stop dead in her tracks as she sees Movan stood in front of Bernie who has her back to them both, not really thinking Serena decides to hide behind the bush, she settles down and listens.
Tears fill her eyes… 'have I really done this to my best friend' Serena considers standing up and interjecting, did she mean what she said to Raf this morning about only being friends, she really does still love her but can she really trust Bernie with her heart again, after all she took it and smashed it into a millions pieces and besides she had finally pulled herself together. 'I can't do that again I'm too old for this' she whispers to herself.
And with that she wipes her eyes, stands up and heads back up to AAU, leaving her friends to talk.
Serena stopped by pulses to grab a coffee 'strong and hot' she thought, she noticed Morvan headed towards the lift, no Bernie maybe she did what she does best and ran back to Kiev she thought, good riddance she thinks as she headed over to the lifts.
"Hold the lift"
Serena nearly deliberately pressed the door close button, 'what do I owe her Serena thinks' but instead she reaches out to stop the doors from closing after all Bernie is her friend.
Bernie had been holding back watching waiting for Serena to head to the lift, she felt this was te only time she would be able speak to her where they both could not run.
As the door closed all Bernie could bring herself to say was "friends".
"Friends. I've been wanting to do that for weeks" Serena replies.
They both laugh as the lift doors close.