Hang
She hung her head, letting her dark hair fall into her face, obstructing her view of the pictures lining the wall. She sighed, neatly packing the last of her clothes in her bag. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath, willing her legs to pick her up from the bed.
He stood outside, smoking, watching her pack. Watching her prepare to leave. To leave his life.
His life.
That was the problem. She had given up too much to be with him. It was his life, not her life. Not even their life.
Finally, she stood, not so much as glancing at him through the window, though she knew where he was. She knew his exact position on the balcony outside. She had felt his eyes burning through her, watching her every movement. It's where he had stood for hours, since she had told him. Since she had calmly, tears in her eyes, told him she couldn't do this anymore. This wasn't what she had envisioned her life to be. There were no kids. Really, there was no more laughing, no smiling. No happiness.
No life.
So, there was nothing left to say. Nothing. She had said it all in a single sentence; he hadn't said a word.
And so he stood, back against the brick wall, glancing at her through the window as he smoked. Though he hadn't been okay with her leaving, he hadn't told her to stay. Hadn't even said the words. Hadn't cried. Hadn't begged or pleaded.
He just stood there and walked away. And watched her pack.
He just accepted it, knowing how miserable she was, and wanting her to be happy.
Monica closed her eyes. On the count of three, she would walk out the door.
One. She counted her breaths, staring at her feet.
Two. She closed her eyes again.
~.~
"You look beautiful," Chandler whispered as his arms encircled her and they began dancing.
"Oh, this old thing?" she motioned to her wedding dress.
"Oh, just that old thing? Been wearing it for years? Must've missed it," he laughed, and she smiled up at him.
~.~
Three. She picked up her bag, her purse, her coat. She didn't look around. Didn't look at him. Didn't hesitate. She just walked across the living room and through the front door. She closed the door slowly behind her, walking away from her current life with so much confidence he wondered momentarily if the earlier tears and hesitation had solely been for his benefit.
Her heart raced as she walked toward the street, a sense of finality coming over her. She continued walking, not wanting to take a cab. For one, she had no idea where she was going. For another, she wasn't sure she could get two words out of her mouth without breaking down completely and going home.
All she knew was she needed to get out of there, and get out of there at that moment.
So, she walked.
~.~
"I know this is kinda too late, but…are you happy?" Chandler asked, and Monica just nodded. "Good," he returned her smile as they continued to dance. "Can you promise me one thing?"
"Anything."
~.~
Monica stopped suddenly as a car whizzed in front of her, horn blaring. She literally jumped out of the way, unaware of how unaware she was. Too caught up in her own thoughts, she hadn't even realized where she was walking, the direction she had headed in. Looking across the street, she knew exactly where she was.
It was all too familiar, eerily so. A part of her past she didn't think about, because the good times now hurt to think about. So, it was as if her body had been on autopilot and knew exactly where she needed to go, even if it was the last place she wanted to be in the world.
She couldn't make herself cross that street, though. Even after a short break in traffic, she stood glued to the ground in front of the crosswalk. The few people up that late at night pushed past her, some giving odd glances as she didn't move from her spot. She closed her eyes, knuckles white from clenching her bag with such force.
One. She opened her eyes.
Two. She looked at the building.
Three…
~.~
"Promise me…that you're not compromising too much," he said softly. "Promise me you're happy enough, and that you're not giving up everything you've ever wanted, because it's what someone else wants…"
Monica swallowed hard. She was compromising. However, marriage, relationships, are about compromise. But, she was happy enough. Enough.
Should she be happy enough, or should she just be happy?
"Mon?"
"I promise," she smiled sincerely.
"May I cut in?"
~.~
Monica stepped into the street, hurrying across before the oncoming cab got there. Again, she looked straight ahead, at the building. And she thought of things to stall. Coffee, or dinner. She hadn't had dinner yet. Or going to her parents. Or just going for a walk. Or, pretending her subconscious hadn't taken her back here, and just going to a hotel for the night, facing real life in the morning.
No, no.
When had she, Monica, become this person?
No, she was going inside.
~.~
"May I cut in?"
"Of course," Chandler stepped aside, adding, "Sorry to hog your wife for so long."
"Thank you," Richard smiled, taking Chandler's place.
"Congrat's man," Chandler patted him on the shoulder, smiling at Monica before walking back towards his table.
"Dance?" Kathy hopped up, extending her hand before Chandler had the chance to sit down. Chandler nodded, moving back to the dance floor with her.
"You think Joey's really okay with us being here together in front of him?" he nodded his head back towards the table, but she just shrugged.
~.~
Monica stood in the hallway between apartments 19 and 20. Luckily the code to get into the building hadn't changed in the past year or so, so she had made it this far without them knowing she was back. She hesitated, not knowing which door to knock on, who she wanted to face first. Making her decision, she lifted a heavy hand, setting her bag on the ground.
She could still leave, pride intact.
Who was she kidding,? She had little pride left.
So, she knocked. After a few moments and no answer, she sighed dejectedly. Of course no one was up still. But, as she turned to leave, she heard the sound of someone unlocking the chain on the door, so she spun back around.
"Mon," Chandler said in surprise, voice catching in his throat.
"Um, you know that promise I made?" she whispered, and off his look, added, "At my wedding?" He nodded in response, opening the door wider for her to come in. She took a few shaky breaths, tears now threatening at the back of her eyes as she tried to find a few more words to speak. "I lied…"
~.~
But if things don't work out like we think
And there's nothing there to ease this ache
And, if there's nothing there to make things change
If it's the same for you, I'll just hang…
--Hang, Matchbox Twenty
~.~
Okay, so I kind of feel the need to explain myself here, but feel like that would ruin it. Like, if you don't get it already, it sucked. Like I'm explaining a joke no one laughed at. Or, like I just explained that sentence three times, which was totally unnecessary, haha. So, nope, leaving it at that.
Review, please and thanks! :)