A/n: An attempt to write major EnvyEd crack. Please enjoy the mediocrity, as I groan from the major pain I feel now.
Inspiration comes at the weirdest times… That's all I gotta say. That, and my writing style changed again.
Warning: Stupidity at its worst. Beware the loss of brain cells. Crack!EnvyEd. OOC characters like Roy, Ed and Riza.
Disclaimer: I claim nothing! Call off the police and the sirens. Geez.
Beta Reader: Denzii-Rox-Maranga. Got it memorized? :D
Summary: Roy Mustang mulls over the relationship Edward has with the homunculus Envy—and finds renewed vigor to hate the sin.
…
Hate the Sin, Not the Sinner
by
Here's Your Cheese Omelette
…
I knew the Fullmetal was keeping something from me. Edward isn't very good at hiding things; he never was. He's a hardworking, dedicated, honest, amusing, short and short-tempered kid. If something bothered him, he'd have these little signs and twitches that would give him away. His body says a lot, and he was too much of a good kid to lie about something this important.
It didn't take me long to figure out what it was—this secret of his.
Now, Edward has always been like a child to me. It was fun teasing him, getting him riled up and making him yell such interesting comebacks to things we have never said, which was very amusing. However, despite my actions and smugness towards him, I must admit. I've always had a soft spot for the guy. I mean, I care about my subordinates, sure— but Edward is still so young, yet his eyes have already been exposed to the horrible truth about humans. This made me care about him a bit more, and made me want to protect the youth from all the evil. At least, a little.
I think of myself as his father at times, with Riza as his mother—ana a very hot mother at that, who would be even sexier if I could get those pants off her legs and into a freaking miniskirt!
*ahem*
Yes. I view ourselves as his parents. I'm sure Riza feels the same way.
However, this latest discovery of mine is simply horrible! As his father, I simply cannot allow it! Imagine how much my blood boiled when I discovered it. I ripped up the report into tiiiiiiiny little pieces, and then I set them on fire.
Before I burned the sheet of paper into unrecognizable ashes, it read:
Blah blah, yadda yadda…I'm not interested in this! Give me the juicy stuff! Ah, here we go.
9:00 o'clock
Edward Elric, a.k.a the Fullmetal Alchemist, has let a man into his home. He was medium in height with short brown hair. This person is not his younger brother, nor is it any of the people we know to have associated with him in a friendly manner.
9:12 o'clock
Edward Elric has brought man to bedroom. Man sat on bed, and Edward went to close curtains. Curtains were drawn. I am unable to see what's happening inside.
...
A vein in Roy's head twitched. Dammit! He sent this trainee on a simple mission to trail the Fullmetal, and he failed. Who cares if he was in a tree for several hours? His report was very informal, and I wanted details! Deeeeeetails!
Never mind. What happened next?
...
9:30 o'clock
No new development from where I stand. If something was happening, I would not know. Tree too far to hear or try to peek. Will wait until curtains open.
11:45 o'clock
Curtains open to reveal a different man from the one Edward Elric had brought in earlier. This one was fair skinned, with long green hair. He wore a purple shirt, and…skirt? Can see the Fullmetal Alchemist asleep on bed. Does not seem injured. Green haired man spots me, he gives me a smirk, then closes the curtain again.
12:14 o' clock
Door opens and the brown haired man walks out. No sign of green haired man. No sign of Edward Elric either.
13:00 o'clock
No new development. Going to eat lunch.
END REPORT
At this, one can imagine how Roy's perverted mind quickly understood what happened inside the house during the time the curtain was closed. His face was ridiculously close to the sheet of paper, and his hands were clearly shaking from anger. A hateful aura radiated from his body, and for a moment, the other people thought they felt the ground shake. Then suddenly, it stopped.
Riza had tapped his shoulder and told him that the man he summoned had just arrived. Riza went to the door and let the person in, and in walked in the man in question himself—
Edward Elric.
"Whaddya want, bastard?" the young blonde said.
Roy ignored the comment, and merely made hand gestures signaling for the others (except Riza) to leave and for Edward to sit down.
"Edward," Roy began, sitting cross legged with one elbow resting on his table. His gaze was firm and serious, as Riza went to stand behind him. "Several things about you have been brought to my attention that I wish to talk to you about. After all, it is my duty to care for my subordinates."
"What are you talking about?" Edward replied, his eyebrows furrowing slightly.
Roy stood up, and made his way over to the young alchemist. He sat next to the boy, and placed both hands on the blonde's shoulders. "Break up with that bastard."
"What?" Edward said, eyes widening. "W-What the hell are you talking about?"
"Edward, I do not approve of you going out and/or having sex with that homunculus." Roy saw Edward's face tense, and he continued. "I have a report. The homunculus Envy was spotted inside your room. I have a report. "
At this, Edward paled. He realized he was caught. "What the hell, Roy? Don't you know anything about privacy?!"
"Don't try and change the subject, Edward!" Roy scolded, very much in 'parent' mode. "You will break up with that homunculus. Normally, you would be getting into a lot of trouble, but because I care, I will give you a chance. Break up with that pervert!"
"You're calling him a pervert?" Edward screamed. "You're the one with people spying at my window! Or did you put a microphone in there so you could hear us?"
"So you admit to having a sexual relationship with that bastard. I'm gonna kill him," Roy seethed.
"Don't you dare touch him! And don't call him that. Envy is my lover!"
"He took away your innocence; therefore, he is a bastard."
"I willingly slept with him."
"You're just saying that." Roy said, slightly shaking the teen. "He corrupted you and brainwashed you into telling me that. I'm gonna murder that sin."
"ENOUGH!" Riza shouted, the two males turning rigid. The entire time she was observing, it was clear to her that those two were getting nowhere. It was time for a responsible, level-headed adult (like Riza) to step in.
"Roy, sit." The man did so. She then turned to Edward, who was frozen, and motioned for him to sit down as well. She knelt before the blonde, and took his hands in hers. "Edward, honestly, I am also against your relationship with this Envy fellow. However, if you are happy, we will let things be. Just keep it a secret from the rest of the military, and don't tell him anything we do either."
"Of course. I don't tell him anything, and vice versa," Edward responded. Beside him, Roy was furiously pulling at the handkerchief he was biting; obviously displeased with what Riza said.
"However," she continued, a scary expression promising death on her face appearing. "If he ever appears before me, I will not hesitate to aim for his balls. Understood?"
"Yes, ma'am." Edward nodded, a bit scared, silently praying for the welfare of his lover's penis.
"In any other situations concerning the homunculus, we will proceed as normal. All of us," Riza finished. "And if you plan to have sex with Envy again, Edward, don't forget to use protection. I'm positive that Envy prefers doing it bareback, without any consideration to you and the possible diseases you could get."
The two men quietly slipped away as Riza began ranting about Envy and his unacceptable sexual behavior—which may or not be true—as she took her gun out of its holster and held it fondly.
Both decided that it was best not to mention the topic again, lest she start aiming that gun at them.
…
A/n: How was that? It reeeeeeeeeally strayed from the plot I intended it to have, and it ended up pretty OOC and random. Just felt like a bit of fun, because I don't feel so well. Please comment!
And, I would like to add how terrible the format of this ended up because does not make use of SPACES!!!
BC: WAHAHAHAHA it was so serious at the start and ended up snowballing into crack :)) Well, it was a fun read. Check the red stuff up there for the corrections :D
Finished Date [typing]: May 14, 2009, 11:32 pm
Finished Date [beta-ing]: June 3, 2009