Chapter 1- Have a very Harry Christmas
Voldemort stepped lightly off the diamond encrusted treadmill in the private gym of the Malfoy Manor, his track-suit dark with perspiration after jogging a good three miles. Sighing happily to himself, he recounted a particularly happy moment when he had been rescued from drowning in a pond by a young red-headed boy. Upon realising that he couldn't possibly have been saved from a pond while jogging, he snarled angrily.'That damn Potter's soppy memories are invading my brain again!' he hissed at Nagini, who yawned boredly.
Attempting (and it was not the first time) to 'knock' the repulsive scene out of his mind with a dumb-bell, Voldemort was still pleased it wasn't as bad as the last time the boy's memories had tainted his thinking. Whenever the boy felt 'love', the poor Dark Lord was forced to share the moment with him. Unfortunately of for Voldemort, the strongest of Harry's love was directed towards Ginny, and Voldemort had spent a rather unpleasant two minutes snogging her. Wincing with disgust at the very thought and making gurgling retching noises, the Dark Lord stepped over to the exercise bikes. One did need to keep one's weight in check to fly without a broom, which is why Voldemort thought Snape hadn't quite mastered the trick yet.
'If he didn't eat so much greasy food…' muttered the Dark Lord darkly.
Nagini gave a faint hiss from her perch wrapped around the weights. She didn't obviously approve of Snape's eating habits either.
A COUPLE OF WEEKS LATER
Voldemort picked listlessly at his long, French-tipped nails while listening to his favourite radio station, PotterwatchIt really wasn't hard to get the passwords, and frankly, it was quite comforting to listen to them babble on about muggles dying and what not. Voldemort didn't know why the silly muggle didn't fight back. It obviously hadn't occurred to them that a small nuclear bomb could wipe out the Deatheaters for good, not to mention the entire wizarding community. Compared with the wizards, who could only kill one person at a time, and even then very rarely, it was amazing the wizards hadn't already been enslaved. While pondering these thoughts, Voldemort didn't notice Wormtail shuffle into the room. He continued not to notice until the small, ratty looking man gave a small, ratty sounding cough.
'What is it, ratty?' murmured Voldemort, not bothering to look up from his nails.
'Well, my lord, it just that… Potter broke into Poobum's - err- I mean Miss Bellatrix's vault.'
'Did he now? Well what do I ca- Oh yeah! My sou-err, my Baby's First Dwink ™ Spouty Cup © Special Hufflepuff Gold Edition ® is in there! Bugger!'
'Baby's First Dwink?' smirked Wormtail as Voldemort sprinted past.
'I heard that!' shrieked Voldemort as he sped out the front doors.
Sorry if this offends any serious Hp fans, but it was under parody. I also realise Voldemort wasn't in England when Potter broke into Gringotts, I changed it deliberately to fit my version.