AN: This is an ALTERNATE UNIVERSE. Because they are fun to screw around with. Here's the low-down on what's happened.

Asuma is not dead, but pretty badly injured so that he can't be a ninja anymore.
Shikamaru exacted revenge by developing sealing jutsu with Tsunade, and so now they have captured most of the Akatsuki and forced them into servitude for the Leaf Village.
Sasori didn't die - he just ended up mostly poisoned but Sakura saved him for interrogation. He's just a lump of flesh anyway, so why not?

THIS IS MOSTLY CRACK, DON'T TAKE IT TOO SERIOUSLY.
This Fic is water-proof. Nonsensical, but water-proof.


Prologue: The Game Show

A spotlight lit up the scene. Kabuto was standing on a glossy black platform, wearing a stylish purple suit and white tie against a black shirt. Smiling he lifted the microphone in his left hand up to his mouth and spoke. "Ladies and gentlemen, kunoichi and shinobi of all ages! Welcome to Snake Eyes, The Evil Science Guy."
The theme song started up, a weird electro-funk mix with some jarring electric guitar power chords underneath and the whine of a church organ. The crowd in the stands went wild, cheering and waving banners and clapping.
"I'm Kabuto, your host." He said, smiling after the applause had died down. "And now, the star of the show; you know him, you love him, you hate him, the master of disaster - a man who needs no introduction but will brutally torture me if he doesn't get one – legendary San-nin and Snake Monster: OROCHIMARU~"

Orochimaru walked out of a hidden door, smoke machines firing off behind him. The crowd had begun rioting again, with a few fangirls screaming out "I love you!" or "Marry me, Orochimaru-sama!" and lots of "Kyaaaa"'s. The snake-nin smiled charismatically and waved at his adoring fans. He was wearing a dark green shirt with a purple tie and a beige jacket, along with his customary lavender rope-belt AKA the butt-belt.
"Thank you, thank you... You are all too kind." The snake-nin grinned as the applause gradually pattered out. "And I'm not!"
The audience giggled and whooped. Orochimaru flashed his fangs.
"In this episode, we're going to be creating genetically fused ninja babies!" The crowd cheers again. "You all remember my experiment, in combining the First Hokage's DNA with a baby... I have now perfected the process! And, instead of just adding powerful ninja DNA to an ordinary child, I can now create a child from scratch by fusing the DNA of two powerful shinobi and conceiving their child for them." Orochimaru beamed ecstatically, as if he was a nerd and had just received a triple A plus report card. The smile could chill you to the bone and haunt your dreams for eternity. No wonder Sasuke turned out to be a completely emotionless douche at the end of his training. Ahem. Back to the story.

"That is amazing, Lord Orochimaru!" Kabuto exclaimed, approaching his scaly master.
"Yes, Kabuto, it truly is." His grin turned into a satisfied smirk. "But there are some issues with the process."
"Issues m'lord?" Kabuto asked, unbelieving.
"Yes, issues." Orochimaru nodded sagely. "First of all, one has to choose two compatible shinobi to be genetic donors, or parents you could call them. Then of course one has to determine the gender of the child and avoid any tragic diseases that may ruin the child's chance of survival, such as fragile X or possibly double Y chromosomes. And third, raising a child is a long and tedious process… It takes almost a whole year simply for the gestation period to take place."
"Surely a visionary, such as yourself, would have come up with a solution?" Kabuto stated faithfully.
"Indeed I have." Orochimaru smiled brilliantly, an evil ding resonating through the studio. "I have invented this!"
A great purple curtain was pulled to the side, revealing what looked to be a ginormous slot machine attached to a machine which looked a lot like an automatic carwasher and a transparent laundromat filled with fuschia goop. The audience whooped and cheered at the sight, not at all aware of what the machine did or even was but not caring because it was Big and Looked Bad-Ass.
"Behold!" said Orochimaru said is best Large Ham voice. "THE NINJABABYMAKERINATOR!"
"Amazing!" cried Kabuto. "What is it?"
"This is the new and improved version of the machine I used to fuse the DNA of the First Hokage with infants. Instead of having to waste hundreds of human lives, I can now create new ones!"
The crowd exploded into screams.
"Would you like me to demonstrate?" Orochimaru leaned towards the audience, flashing his fangs.
"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The microphones squeaked with feedback. It sounded like Dosu was attacking with a fifty-foot wall of amplifiers. A couple windows broke.
"We'll be right back, after a word from our sponsors." Kabuto said over the screams of rabid fans.

DO YOU LACK POWER? IT'S PROBABLY BECAUSE YOU LACK HATRED. BUT THIS IS NO PROBLEM FOR THE HIGHLY TRAINED FOLKS AT CURSE-MARK ACADEMY.

SASUKE: Hi, my name is Sasuke Uchiha. My brother killed my family and I am going to kill him. I have tried several times, but I simply did not have enough hatred or power to defeat him.

SASUKE: My name is Sasuke Uchiha. You killed my family. Prepare to die.
Intense battle sequence, followed by Epic Fail of Sasuke.
ITACHI: You are weak. Do you know why? [whisper] Because you lack HATRED!

SASUKE: The next time I see him, this will not be the case. I have garnered more than enough hatred thanks to CURSE-MARK ACADEMY. Watch this clip to see the incredible results you get with the Stage One Curse-Mark Starter Kit.

That bit from that episode during the Chuunin exams arc. You know, where Sasuke's face goes all WHOMGAIDS and he pulls off somebody's arms? Yeah, that.

SASUKE: Amazing! And that's just the start. If you call now at 1800 – CURSE-MARK, you can get the Stage Two Curse-Mark Limited Edition at a 30% discount! Take a look at these powerful before and after images.

BEFORE: Sasuke, Normal. AFTER: Sasuke, Drag Form.

SASUKE: Incredible! Not only that, but if you call now – remember 1800 – CURSE-MARK – we give the first two hundred callers FREE SOUND NINJA UNIFORMS. Free Adjustments Included! Call now, 1800 – CURSE-MARK, to get your CURSE-MARK ACADEMY™ Kit. Remember, 1800 – CURSE-MARK. You can never have enough hatred or power, no matter what the cost!

ONE-EIGHT-HUNDRED CURSE-MARK! HATRED AND POWER, QUALITY SERVICES.
WARNING! CURSE-MARK ACADEMY Kits may have the following side-effects. Diarrhea-nausea-vomiting-bleeding-from-all-orifices-dizziness-headaches-emo-angst-wangst-antiscocial-behaviour-cancer-tumours-warts-rashes-sneezing-coughing-indigestion-hemmorhoids-a-state-of-death-which-may-or-may-not-be-reversible-lipstick-excessive-hair-growth-horns-discolouration-and-having-your-body-stolen-by-a-creepy-Michael-Jackson-look-a-like-who-likes-little-boys-and-has-a-fetish-for-snakes-for-three-years-after-which-you-will-be-discarded-like-a-used-condom.

SASUKE: Remember 1800 - CURSE-MARK. For all your Power and Hatred Needs!

AN: Prologues are for setting the scene. The next chapter will actually have something that happens.
Remember, that's 1800 - CURSE-MARK! Call now to recieve your free Sound Village uniform! Purple-Butt-Belts included!