Nosgoth Gets F***ed Up
Chapter 1: Damnation
Dumah and Turel stopped at the edge of the Lake of the Dead, grasping Raziel between them. Suddenly, Kain's harsh voice gave the command: "Cut that out, it's bothering me." Of course, he was referring to Umah, who was clinging to his arm so tightly had he not been dead it would have fallen off from lack of blood. She was also mumbling something about how much she wanted to feel the water's caress. But alas, she could not, as her father told her a giant octopus would devour her if she did. As she was mumbling, Raziel screamed at the top of his lungs, "Damn it, Kain!! Are you going to throw me in and start the sequence of events or not!?" Kain looked from Umah to Raziel, then back to Umah.
"... Nah, forget it..." Dumah and Turel, dropping Raziel, stare at Kain disappointed, and then look back at each other. They simultaneously grin in consensual mutiny and kick Raziel over the side. Hearing Raziel yell, Kain detaches himself from Umah and screams "What the f*ck! He was going to get rid of my mouse infestation! And that @#%$ owed me money, too!" Kain hit Turel into the abyss and smacked Dumah really hard, saying "I hope humans beat your ass, ya pansy!" To this, Dumah replied sniffing, "that's MEAN, I'm going to tell Ariel that you're cheatin' on her with this Umah whore. She even took my name!"
Outraged, Umah slapped him again and said "Look, Ariel's dead! How could you!? No really, how could you???" Laughter rises up from the abyss. Dumah looks over the edge and sees Turel hanging on by a thread. No, really. It was a thread, looked like his cloak had unraveled on the descent. He started to pull himself up, Raziel clinging to his legs, when Turel spotted a bee buzzing round his head. Turel tried to swat it, causing them to fall. Turel grabbed hold of a tree branch and started the climb back up. On the way up Turel heard Raziel mumbling words to himself- he was saying "Argh. If only I weren't so damn broken right now. Heh heh, that Umah chick is hot. Maybe I'm delirious."
Suddenly, they were both yanked up the cliff. Kain had grabbed Turel and hoisted him into the air and back on solid ground. Raziel, however, he caught by the clothes around his neck and held him aloft. Kain said, "You are such an idiot! Now let's see if you have the moves to actually pick up ma beeyotch Umah!" Kain handed Raziel a couple of mugs of skull-whomper ale. Raziel sidled over to Umah handed her one of the drinks, and said, "Hey... you wanna come back to the Sanctuary of the Cans for a bit of bump bump?" Kain, outraged by Raziel's remarks does something he may regret for the rest of his vampiric day's- he pulled out a salami! No, not THAT kind of salami, you pervert. Dumah did that.
What Kain pulled out was, in actuality, the Soul Salmon. With this artifact, he began to beat Melchiah mercilessly until it fell apart. Melchiah, relieved at the halt in his beating, put the fish's skin over his decaying face and said, "Hmmm, I wonder how I'll look in fish lips." "Talk about misdirected aggression," said Raziel to Umah as he lowered his mug. "Kain, haven't I always told you you've got a problem?" Raziel was about to take another drink, when all of a sudden-
"Whoa!" Raziel shouts as he ducks, and Umah gets hit with a flying salmon carcass. "Ha ha ha! You smell like dead fish now!" laughed Kain. At this, Umah bared her claws and leapt at Kain, saying, "You arse hole!" She tore his face into little pieces of ribbon kicked him into a near by river. She turned and sidled up to Rahab and said, "Fetch, future fish boy!"
"The hell I will! If he means so much to you get your ass in the water, you, you, you ......... Lara Croft wannabe!"
"No!" shouted Umah. "I will only go in if you do first!" "NO!" Rahab screamed. "There are sharks and humans and all sorts of things in that water." He got an evil glitter in his eyes. "Like you!" and with that, he shoved Umah over the edge- but she caught him by the claw and twirled him into the water, Rahab went splash and jumped right out yelling "Aaaaa! It burns! I must start working on that next evolution jump..." and walks away pondering.
Umah grabs the salmon and throws it furiously after him and misses, hitting Zephon who had just walked around the corner to see what all the fuss was all about. He got it straight in the face and said, "Mmm, yummy fish." He began to gnaw into it, causing Raziel to shout, "You imbeciles!" Raziel then walks over to the rivers edge, grabs Kain's flailing hand, and drags his burning butt out. "Was that so hard?" Dripping and steaming, Kain says, "I've got two salmon now! Ha!" and charges at the company, salmon's a' flying.
As he ran, he then slipped over a puddle of water on the ground and his face hits the floor in a muddy puddle. The surrounding clan members & Umah begin to laugh at him mercilessly, seeing the revered vampire lord reduced to a fool. Kain, embarrassed and muddy gets up and storms of back to the pillars to get clean and grab some new clothes. He was walking around in just a towel a little later after having a nice hot blood bath, (to get the dirt off) and he toddled off to his closet looking for something new to put on. In the corner he spots his old fledgling armor, a little dusty as it was. Intrigued he walks over to it to try it on to see if it still fits; it was a little tight, though he struggled with it for a long while. At long last he gets it on, and with dawning horror he realizes he cannot get the amour off! He shouted for Umah and his sons, "Somebody, get some damn butter, this stuff is tighter than (edited for television)!" Kain screams as his boys approach.
Umah laughs and says, "It looks good on you. Besides, no one here knows how to make butter and there are no more cows alive." Dumah, with a flash of intelligence, spoke up and said, "Why don't you just go back in time and get your own?" Kain thinks it over and finally decides to travel to a more quiet and simpler time where cows roamed the land and maybe try to figure out how to make butter... mumbling to himself that if only he could remember how to shape-shift to bat form all this would have been so much simpler...
Chapter 1: Damnation
Dumah and Turel stopped at the edge of the Lake of the Dead, grasping Raziel between them. Suddenly, Kain's harsh voice gave the command: "Cut that out, it's bothering me." Of course, he was referring to Umah, who was clinging to his arm so tightly had he not been dead it would have fallen off from lack of blood. She was also mumbling something about how much she wanted to feel the water's caress. But alas, she could not, as her father told her a giant octopus would devour her if she did. As she was mumbling, Raziel screamed at the top of his lungs, "Damn it, Kain!! Are you going to throw me in and start the sequence of events or not!?" Kain looked from Umah to Raziel, then back to Umah.
"... Nah, forget it..." Dumah and Turel, dropping Raziel, stare at Kain disappointed, and then look back at each other. They simultaneously grin in consensual mutiny and kick Raziel over the side. Hearing Raziel yell, Kain detaches himself from Umah and screams "What the f*ck! He was going to get rid of my mouse infestation! And that @#%$ owed me money, too!" Kain hit Turel into the abyss and smacked Dumah really hard, saying "I hope humans beat your ass, ya pansy!" To this, Dumah replied sniffing, "that's MEAN, I'm going to tell Ariel that you're cheatin' on her with this Umah whore. She even took my name!"
Outraged, Umah slapped him again and said "Look, Ariel's dead! How could you!? No really, how could you???" Laughter rises up from the abyss. Dumah looks over the edge and sees Turel hanging on by a thread. No, really. It was a thread, looked like his cloak had unraveled on the descent. He started to pull himself up, Raziel clinging to his legs, when Turel spotted a bee buzzing round his head. Turel tried to swat it, causing them to fall. Turel grabbed hold of a tree branch and started the climb back up. On the way up Turel heard Raziel mumbling words to himself- he was saying "Argh. If only I weren't so damn broken right now. Heh heh, that Umah chick is hot. Maybe I'm delirious."
Suddenly, they were both yanked up the cliff. Kain had grabbed Turel and hoisted him into the air and back on solid ground. Raziel, however, he caught by the clothes around his neck and held him aloft. Kain said, "You are such an idiot! Now let's see if you have the moves to actually pick up ma beeyotch Umah!" Kain handed Raziel a couple of mugs of skull-whomper ale. Raziel sidled over to Umah handed her one of the drinks, and said, "Hey... you wanna come back to the Sanctuary of the Cans for a bit of bump bump?" Kain, outraged by Raziel's remarks does something he may regret for the rest of his vampiric day's- he pulled out a salami! No, not THAT kind of salami, you pervert. Dumah did that.
What Kain pulled out was, in actuality, the Soul Salmon. With this artifact, he began to beat Melchiah mercilessly until it fell apart. Melchiah, relieved at the halt in his beating, put the fish's skin over his decaying face and said, "Hmmm, I wonder how I'll look in fish lips." "Talk about misdirected aggression," said Raziel to Umah as he lowered his mug. "Kain, haven't I always told you you've got a problem?" Raziel was about to take another drink, when all of a sudden-
"Whoa!" Raziel shouts as he ducks, and Umah gets hit with a flying salmon carcass. "Ha ha ha! You smell like dead fish now!" laughed Kain. At this, Umah bared her claws and leapt at Kain, saying, "You arse hole!" She tore his face into little pieces of ribbon kicked him into a near by river. She turned and sidled up to Rahab and said, "Fetch, future fish boy!"
"The hell I will! If he means so much to you get your ass in the water, you, you, you ......... Lara Croft wannabe!"
"No!" shouted Umah. "I will only go in if you do first!" "NO!" Rahab screamed. "There are sharks and humans and all sorts of things in that water." He got an evil glitter in his eyes. "Like you!" and with that, he shoved Umah over the edge- but she caught him by the claw and twirled him into the water, Rahab went splash and jumped right out yelling "Aaaaa! It burns! I must start working on that next evolution jump..." and walks away pondering.
Umah grabs the salmon and throws it furiously after him and misses, hitting Zephon who had just walked around the corner to see what all the fuss was all about. He got it straight in the face and said, "Mmm, yummy fish." He began to gnaw into it, causing Raziel to shout, "You imbeciles!" Raziel then walks over to the rivers edge, grabs Kain's flailing hand, and drags his burning butt out. "Was that so hard?" Dripping and steaming, Kain says, "I've got two salmon now! Ha!" and charges at the company, salmon's a' flying.
As he ran, he then slipped over a puddle of water on the ground and his face hits the floor in a muddy puddle. The surrounding clan members & Umah begin to laugh at him mercilessly, seeing the revered vampire lord reduced to a fool. Kain, embarrassed and muddy gets up and storms of back to the pillars to get clean and grab some new clothes. He was walking around in just a towel a little later after having a nice hot blood bath, (to get the dirt off) and he toddled off to his closet looking for something new to put on. In the corner he spots his old fledgling armor, a little dusty as it was. Intrigued he walks over to it to try it on to see if it still fits; it was a little tight, though he struggled with it for a long while. At long last he gets it on, and with dawning horror he realizes he cannot get the amour off! He shouted for Umah and his sons, "Somebody, get some damn butter, this stuff is tighter than (edited for television)!" Kain screams as his boys approach.
Umah laughs and says, "It looks good on you. Besides, no one here knows how to make butter and there are no more cows alive." Dumah, with a flash of intelligence, spoke up and said, "Why don't you just go back in time and get your own?" Kain thinks it over and finally decides to travel to a more quiet and simpler time where cows roamed the land and maybe try to figure out how to make butter... mumbling to himself that if only he could remember how to shape-shift to bat form all this would have been so much simpler...