"Emmett?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Emmett, what possessed you to buy a dog?"

"Well, do I have to have a reason for everything I do?"

"Yes. Yes, you do."

"No, I don't. Do I, Jacob?"

"You named it... JACOB?"

"It's a very good name for a mongrel."

"Jacob's not a mongrel."

"No, he's not. He's a pedigree. I have a certificate to prove it."

"I WAS TALKING ABOUT WERE-WOLF JACOB!"

"Which one?"

"Well, Emmett, let's use logic here. Is that thing a werewolf?"

"Technically speaking, little Jacob here's descended from wolves."

"Yes, but it's a dog."

"He could be a relation of Jacob's! It's FATE that I bought him! Jacob and Jacob are related, I tell you!"

"...I'm going now."

***

"Bella?"

"Yes, Emmett?"

"What does Jacob eat?"

"Why do you want to know what Jacob eats? He eats what humans eat."

"No, not that Jacob. Jacob!"

"EMMETT! I thought Esme ordered you to get rid of that nasty mutt!"

"She did."

"Then why didn't you?"

"Because he kept biting me when I tried to put him in the car."

"For heaven's sake, Emmett! YOU ARE A VAMPIRE! What's it gonna do – maul you to death?"

"But he kept whining like he didn't want to leave. So I put him in the utility room."

"The... utility room?"

"Yeah."

"So what have you been feeding it?"

"Jake really likes Alice's Prada."

"...I give up. Emmett, go down to the pet store and ask for some dog food. Got it?"

"Got it! Thanks, Bella!"

"I wonder how long it'll take Alice to notice her clothes are going missing."

***

"Emmett?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"Emmett, why is there dog slobber on my clothes? I thought you trained that mongrel!"

"I'm sorry, Bella. Jacob won't do it again."

"So you did manage to train it? And I thought it was beyond you."

"No, that's not it..."

"Wait... Emmett, what have you done?"

"It wasn't my fault, Bella! It really wasn't!"

"What wasn't your fault?"

"Well, I went hunting with Eddie, but there were no grizzlies. I was really depressed."

"Emmett? Tell me you didn't."

"...Sorry, Bella."

"EMMETT! No more animals. Understood?"

"Well, about that... I kind of got a gold fish."

"..."

"And I called it Renesmee. Like the loch ness monster. Because Nessie here's a fish and the loch ness monster's a big fish... Bella? Are you okay?"

"Emmett?"

"Yes, Bella?"

"...You have one second to run."