TRIGGER WARNIMG -SELF HARM AND SUICIDE
Disclaimer - I don't own any of the characters in this story they belong to Marvel
Alone
I was alone. Stark had Pepper. Thor had Jane. Banner had Betty. Rogers had Bucky. But worst of all my partner, my best friend had Bobbi. Clint had abandoned our friendship. The rest of the team had each other. I was the unnecessary. They don't need me.
Inside I felt numb, empty. I had nobody and without SHIELD no purpose.
These thoughts echoed around my head, but I didn't feel angry or sad. I felt nothing.
My knives. My only relief, my only proof I can still feel at all. The cuts had started out small. Hidden. My hips, stomach and thighs covered in scars - a few from missions but mostly from my own blades.
Even in the communal world of the Avengers Tower, my teammates see nothing. They don't see how empty my eyes are, or how I've become so thin my ribs can be individually counted. They don't notice the scars, thin, white lines of scar tissue covering my arms. They notice nothing. I'm all alone
And why should they care, I think as a draw the blade across my arm. I'm a Russian assassin, I shouldn't need to rely on others. But Hawkeye changed me, I crave the company of others now. I've killed more people than I can count, shot them, strangled them, seduced them and stabbed them as the sleep, suffocated them, snapped their necks. I'm a monster I don't deserve love or friendship.
I look down at my arm, and gripping the blade I've used to kill so many, I carve the word MONSTER into my skin. As I watch fascinated by the way the blood wells up in the cuts and slowly drip down nt arm.
My left arm now has also been taken by the scars, cuts everywhere except the fatal vein. I'm too cowardly, I can't bring myself to cut there. End my suffering for once and for all.
In the room below I hear the others laughing, drinking talking as friends do and I know. They will never miss me. They won't even notice I'm gone. The team doesn't need partner no longer wants a partnership or our friendship. And as friends they haven't noticed my absence, they never do.
The blade is resting on my wrist. Horizontally over the vein. I'm ready to make the cut, slice the knife through the vein and let the blade take one final life.
My hand shakes as I pick up the knife. I'm not necessary in this world. I press it into my skin. Noone cares for me. I slide the blade down, slicing open my flesh opening the vein. Noone will miss me. I watch the blood spurt from my wrist. I'm irrelevant. My hand shakes as I lift the blade to my other wrist. I'm alone. I slice again. I'm a monster.
I lie on my bedroom floor, watching as the carpet slowly turns red. I reach out for a paper and with the blood staining my hands write:
Natalia is a monster.
Black Widow is nothing.
Natasha is irrelevant.
I'm not needed.
I am alo
My hand drops where it is on the paper.
Everything fades to black.
Natalia Alianova Romanova will suffer no more guilt.
The Black Widow will suffer no more emptiness.
Natasha Romanoff will suffer no more solitude.
I will suffer no more.