Gail sat alone in the not-so-crowded subway car. The bench seat was all hers, yet she found herself in the middle. Just getting off work, she had no need to continue to keep up appearances, but this had been a satisfying end to a long undercover job, and the subway ride was something she had to do for her 'character' but at this hour of the night, made the emptiness, she found it had a calming on her, even if she still was on alert, perks of the job. She just finished with her debriefings and warrants. Arrests had been made. She rode the train one last time to her UC apt to clear it all out.
The train stopped to let off more people than it let on. She saw her out of the corner of her eye, as the weight of the last 18 months laid heavy on Gail's mind. She looked again as the brunette planted herself down on the opposite end, as if to be near another human would be sacrilege. There was just an air of exhaustion around her. Gail found each time she glanced that the weight of the past months would lighten, even if only incrementally. She still hadn't really looked at her. She felt she had to steel herself to do that. She is glad she did. Because when she did she felt like she had just gotten hit in the gut with that army tanker she had seen in that movie last week. She couldn't catch her breath. The olive skinned woman must have heard her struggling to breath because she looked up. Instead of the shock, horror, awkward look she was expecting to find on the pathologist's face, she found that familiar warm, inviting smile grow as Holly's face found hers.
Gail could have sworn there had been no one on the train car but now she seemed even more aware than ever of every person on the car, every eye that turned, every ear that she thought was leaning closer. Every creak, every drop of water that was coming down from the cracks and leaving the solid ice states that it once was, like her demeanor. She was melting, just because of this woman's smile. It's been 4yrs. Those stolen moments that they had at Noelle and Frank's wedding, in the interrogation room on that horribly intense day and that night of unconditional care and love that she showed Gail, just by being there.
Nothing started, nothing stopped, nothing happened. Not because Gail didn't want it to, not because Holly didn't want it to, and not because she was terrified, she would have dealt with that, she's a cop for heaven's sake, and well she's been on way too many under cover operations since those moments.
One month after all the hospitals and all the extra shifts, she and Holly had seen a good amount of each other but nothing much had come of it. They had both been busy and exhausted and moving so fast in different directions to really know what was going on between them. Neither of them blamed the other. In the past 4 years Gail had been on 2 back-to-back long under cover operations, both with short stints in between which she used to just decompress.
Holly had used that time to get another degree and become the head of the criminal pathology department for the county; she'd been just as busy as she had imagined Gail to be. Every now and then her mind wondered to the blonde and her whereabouts. What she was doing. If an officer would walk into her lab and start asking her questions she would think back on that inquisitive not-so-rookie woman who berated her with sweet insults about the nerdy things in her life. It would sneak up on Holly, just like Gail did into her life, and on the train today, but she loved those moments. She cherished those moments. But she never did anything about those moments, not until today. That's why when she saw her she wasn't scared, she wasn't terrified, mad, or unsure; she was certain. She knew exactly who she was looking at; it wasn't a shock, because this woman, even after 4 years, was etched into her mind. She knew exactly they way her hair fell when she'd had a long day and her hair tie was not able to hold the thickness of every strand anymore. She knew the few crinkles around her eyes that meant she was calm but still aware of everything around her. Gail wasn't obvious about her sweep of the train car but she was surveying it, and only Holly could tell that she was making a mental map of her surroundings. All this for the short weeks they knew each other, 4 years ago.
The bench seemed crowded now; Gail slowly breathed in and finally found she could, like a normal human again. She wasn't going to let this person throw her off her game, she had just busted an entire drug ring after 18 months of hard work, she'd been hit and she had been shot at, she could take a punch and was able to hang with the toughest of the tough, and she would show Holly just how calm and cool and collected she was, "Hey Nerd. Long time…uh…no see." Still a bit out of breath; guess she didn't realize how much Holly's eyes affected her. Smooth, Gail, very smooth, she told herself. "It's Dr. Nerd, gosh, how many times do I have to tell you that, Officer." Holly replied seamlessly, as she moved closer to Gail still leaving space between the two. Gail found the banter way too easy to fall right back into. She missed it. The muscles in her face had missed the smile that fell on her face; she hadn't smiled like that in years, 4 years if she was honest with herself.