I got the urge to write an alphabet series. This is one of the few times I'm actually writing one of my headcanon Shepards that I played in the games: Val Shepard, vanguard, paragade. I don't want to say too much more about her here; for the most part, her background and personality should come through in these ficlets.

"... I just want to know what this thing is between us."

Damn. There was really no way this could have been anything but awkward.

Kaidan Alenko had once been a subordinate, and even a friend. They'd all bonded pretty tightly, back on the SR-1.

And now he outranked her, by Alliance reckoning. Was her equal as a Spectre, by Council reckoning. By rights, he should have had his own command. And yet he'd asked for a berth on the Normandy, and she'd agreed.

Maybe she should have said no. Pushed him to carve out a space of his own. She'd thought he just wanted to be where the most action was, and that wasn't a request she could easily deny. Not for a friend.

Awkward, too, because what he'd said on Horizon and Mars still rankled. With so much else on her plate, she was willing to overlook it and try to move on, but she had to admit, if only to herself, that she held a bit of a grudge.

So what he'd just said was like awkward squared. Or cubed, maybe. Was this why he'd asked to come aboard? Was he hoping to rekindle something that had never actually kindled?

She didn't need this. Not with her actual ex-girlfriend aboard, when Liara said things were fine, but Shepard could read her well enough to see the disappointment in her eyes. And she didn't need this with her actual boyfriend aboard, when Garrus said things were fine, but Shepard could read him well enough to tell that he was still feeling a little insecure about... everything. As if she might suddenly change her mind and boot him out of her quarters without warning. And she didn't need this when Garrus and Liara were key parts of her team and were still being a little stiff and tense around each other, if perfectly polite and professional.

She'd seen the signs of infatuation in Alenko way back at the beginning, and she'd done her best to shut it down, firm and professional. Admittedly she hadn't been so professional in her other relationships—and maybe he didn't even know about Garrus, since he'd only been aboard for a few days. But how the hell could he have carried a torch for her all those years? Especially first thinking she was dead, and then thinking that she was a traitor?

"Kaidan... I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, but I don't think there is anything more between us than friendship. Not on my side, at least."

"Oh." He looked away, but couldn't quite conceal his expression, and Shepard winced. "That's not what I was hoping to hear, but I get it. It's not a good time for distractions."

She nodded and then shook her head. She couldn't let him continue under this misapprehension. "No, that's not exactly it. I'm with someone else. Garrus and I have been together for a little while, now."

His brows drew together, and she could see him discarding the first several things he was going to say. She willed him to do so, willed him not to say anything she wouldn't be able to forgive him for. She said, "If you want to leave the crew, under these circumstances, I'd understand."

"No." Kaidan shook his head. "I want to be in this fight, Shepard, and I know the Normandy will be in the thick of it. If it's not a problem for you for me to be there, it's not a problem for me."

"It's not a problem for me," she said, with more assurance than she felt.

They turned to other topics then, but the conversation was still a little stiff.

Yeah. Awkward.