Disclaimer: I don't own them, just having filling in some time.

This ff takes place after Retrial (Season 10). Mac has dealt with the bigamy case and is upset with what Bud's client has said to her.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

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It was all too much for Mac. She had been trying to hold everything together, to keep everything on an even keel and it had been working – to a degree, As long as she could keep matters on a professional level and didn't look too deeply into herself she could cope. That was until a small, unappealing man with four wives entered the picture.

Mac could not understand how each woman could love him so much they would be willing to share him. She could not comprehend how he could be so enchanting even the judge had responded warmly to him. And she definitely couldn't understand how a man she had such contempt for could undo everything she'd tried to keep in check by simply saying he could see in her eyes that she had been hurt and he hoped it wouldn't make her bitter.

Bud had felt dreadful that his client had been so open and honest with the Colonel. Her pain was so clearly evident for all at JAG to see but nobody had commented on it directly. Nobody, that is, except his client.

After the case, Bud went to Mac's office to apologise.

"Excuse me, ma'am," he called. Mac had her chair turned around and she was looking out the window. She didn't reply.

"Ma'am? Colonel MacKenzie?" he called again.

"What is it Commander Roberts?" She didn't move.

"Uh, I just wanted to apologise for my client's comments," Bud said nervously.

"Do you think his comments were wrong?" Mac asked, turning to look at him.

"I think the fact he said it was wrong, ma'am," Bud acknowledged, forcing himself to maintain eye contact.

Mac stood up and grabbed her cover, Bud knew she wasn't happy.

"So do you think I'm someone to be pitied too, Bud? Poor Colonel MacKenzie, no one in her life who cares enough to stick around and yet here he is with four wives," Mac spat out, her last nerve frayed.

"Colonel, that's not what I meant!" Bud tried to correct her.

"Go to hell, Bud!" Mac yelled as she stormed out of the office.

Sturgis had caught the final exchange and had seen the aftermath.

"What's going on, Roberts?" the temporary JAG demanded in a low voice.

"Nothing, sir," Bud replied, not wanting to make the situation worse.

"Don't 'nothing sir' me. I'm not blind. What happened, Commander?" Sturgis asked again.

"I tried to apologise for something my client said and…" he began in explanation.

"And the Colonel didn't take it too well?" Sturgis interrupted.

"Something like that, Commander," Bud said sadly.

"Fix it!"

Later that night, Mac was on her couch in her favourite cowboy pyjamas. She had begun a new novel but after reading the same line three times she threw it across the room. She felt there was nothing she could do right, her life was a mess, her health was borderline. Professionally, she was coping, just, but she had to admit her heart wasn't really in it. And now, after trying to keep it all in balance, it had come undone through the unsolicited sympathy of a bigamist.

There was a knock on her door and Mac decided to ignore it; she did not want company. There was a second knock and then a third. Her caller was persistent. Eventually she opened the door and Bud stood there.

"Bud, I'm so…" she began, her feeling of shame over her earlier display clearly evident.

"Please don't apologise, ma'am. I'm the one who's sorry. I just don't know what to say to you at the moment," Bud paused. "Ma'am, I know things have been really difficult for you but please know that Harriet and I are here for you – after all we are friends." Mac started to cry and turned away. "Oh, ma'am, please don't cry either. I didn't mean to upset you. God, I can't do anything right."

She turned to face him and shook her head. "It's not you Bud, it's me. My life is such a mess. I need all the friends I can get and I yell at one of my best ones. Thanks for coming and for caring."

Bud smiled. "Anytime, Mac," he said, using her name hesitantly. "You know if there's anything you ever need, just name it."

"Thanks Bud, I appreciate it but at the moment I think I just need time by myself," Mac said, her face awash in the relief she felt at this relationship still being intact.

"I think it would be better for you to be around people. Come home with me, the guest room is already made up. Harriet and the boys would love to see you," Bud offered.

"Thanks but I'm not good company. We'll do it another time," Mac assured him.

"Are you sure? I hate the thought of you being here alone." Bud gestured towards the apartment.

"I'm sure, besides I have a book I'm reading," Mac said, trying to smile.

"The one over there on the floor?" he asked.

"Ah, yes," Mac replied sheepishly.

"Are you sure you won't reconsider?" he asked again heading for the door.

"I'm sure," Mac confirmed. "Bud, I am sorry for earlier, at the office, I should never have taken my frustrations out on you. You're one of the good guys."

"As long as we are still friends, Mac, you have nothing to apologise for," Bud said sincerely.

Mac smiled and kissed his cheek. Her eyes glistening with unshed tears.

"Last chance…" he said as he moved through the doorway.

"Good night, Bud."

She closed the door behind him.

Mac sat back down on the couch and the tears she had been fighting spilled over. She didn't want to be consumed with self pity but she couldn't help it. Everything looked bleak and she hated it, she hated herself. There was another knock on the door.

"No, Bud. I haven't changed my mind," she yelled without moving.

"Mac, it's not Bud. It's me, Harm." His voice was strong and firm and she cringed.

"What do you want?" Mac yelled back not daring to move from the couch.

"I want you to open the door," he yelled back.

"Sorry, I'm not up for visitors," she replied, with tears streaming down her cheeks.

He could hear the tears in her voice. "Mac, open the door."

"Harm, please go away. I…I...I…." She began to sob and this served only to heighten his anxiety.

"Mac, one way or another I'm coming in. Please open the door," he yelled rattling the doorknob.

Mac lay back on the couch and closed her eyes. She knew she would not cope with seeing Harm. His caring and compassion would be too much for her. She said nothing and held her breath.

Mac heard him turn his key in the lock. She had forgotten he had a spare key to her apartment. Quickly she pulled a cushion over her face; she didn't want him to see her like this. Harm opened the door and was taken aback by the scene. He sat down on the edge of the couch and tried to move the cushion. Mac resisted.

"Harm, please go. Leave me alone," came the muffled voice.

"Mac, I'm not going anywhere. Now take the cushion away," he softly ordered, tugging on the cushion.

"No. Just leave me be. I can't do this. I can't." Sobs began to wrack her body. She fought to control herself but the raw emotions coursing through her proved too much. Harm easily removed the cushion and went to hold her. She pushed away his advances.

"Harm, no, don't. I don't want…" She hit his chest trying to keep him away.

"Mac, it's okay, it's okay, ssh," he said in a soothing tone wrapping his strong arms around her.

She resisted for a while but when it all became too much and she gave in and collapsed into his chest holding onto him for dear life. She cried floods of tears and felt completely lost in his arms. For Harm's part, he sat and held her tightly. He stroked her hair, kissed her head and gently rocked them. He could make out very little of what she was trying to say but he got the gist of it. He could make out the names of Sadik, Clayton, Simon and even her doctor. His heart was breaking to see her in such distress.

When Mac's crying finally abated, Harm continued to hold her tightly. He was at a loss for words but felt, in this instance, actions spoke volumes. So, in the darkness of the apartment he continued to hold her tenderly. As the time passed, Harm realised she had cried herself to sleep. He scooped her up and carried her to bed. He gently placed her between the sheets and pulled up the covers. As he turned to leave she stirred, pulling his arm back she whispered, "Harm, don't go. Please stay with me."

Harm removed his uniform and slipped into bed beside her. He ran his hand up and down her arm but she was already asleep. In the near darkness of her room he lay there looking up at the ceiling. They had often shared the same bed but Harm longed for the day they would finallysleeptogether.

It was daylight when Mac woke; she was surprised to find herself encircled by Harm's arms and in her bed. Her last clear recollection was of breaking her heart crying on her couch last night. She looked up at him and saw he too was awake.

"Hi there, Marine. Sleep well?" he asked a bright smile on his face.

Hi, yes I did thanks." In fact it had been the best night's sleep she'd had in so very long. The first time she had felt safe, secure and loved. She smiled. It was the smile he was longing to see.

Then with her inner clocking registering, Mac sat upright.

"God, Harm, it's 0906. We've got that wonderful supplementary Saturday budget review meeting with Sturgis at 0930. We'll be late," she said, scrambling to get out of bed.

"No, no, it's okay," Harm grabbed her arm as she went to get up. The phone began to ring. She reached across Harm to answer it. They both knew she left her hand lingering on his chest longer than she needed too.

"MacKenzie," she answered. "Oh, yes. Are you sure? Okay then. Yes, he is."

She handed the phone to Harm. "It's Sturgis, for you."

"Hi there Sturgis," Harm said. "Yes, situation's improved. No, I can't. Tomorrow at 1400, yeah, great. No worries. Appreciate it Sturgis. See you." Harm hung up the phone.

Mac was resting on one elbow watching him.

"How did Sturgis know you were here?" Harm paused. Mac insisted, "Well?"

"Do you want the basics or the detailed version?" he asked, trying to stall.

"Details, thanks," she stated.

"I ran into Sturgis before I left the office last night. He asked me if I had spoken to you that afternoon, I said no, why? He said you were quite upset and had yelled at Bud. I told him I was coming over here anyway so I would check up on you. I got here and as I did Bud was getting into his vehicle. He was very concerned about you, not to mention about feeling guilty about it too. He warned me that I might not get the best reception. I came up anyway and – well, you know the rest," Harm said quickly.

"But how did Sturgis know you'd still be here?" Mac asked.

"Oh, I rang him this morning, a little after seven and explained that this meeting wouldn't really be a productive one and if he could reschedule it we'd appreciate it," he replied.

"Did you tell him why?" Mac asked. It was one thing Harm knowing she was a basket case; she didn't need Sturgis knowing it too.

"No, just that things were a bit rough last night but smoother today," Harm said, flashing a reassuring smile.

Mac smiled, "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Anyway we now have a free Saturday together. Any requests, Ma'am?" Harm asked, prepared to do anything for her.

"Some more sleep, I think," Mac yawned.

"And then?" Harm asked.

"Surprise me." She grinned widely, setting him the challenge.

"Aye, aye, ma'am," he replied throwing her a mock salute.

Mac laid back and closed her eyes. "Do you need anything, Mac?" Harm asked as he went to get up. She opened her eyes and smiled at him, he loved that smile. "Can you just stay here and little longer?"

Harm willingly obliged and extended his arms. Mac gratefully accepted and moved into him; this was the only place she wanted to be.

When Mac awoke a while later, she was surprised to find his side empty and the aroma of coffee coming from the kitchen. She walked in to find Harm sitting at the table reading the newspaper.

"Morning again," he said when she appeared. "I have breakfast for you. Well, brunch actually." He looked at his watch. "Wow, it's 1145, probably safe calling it lunch. Sleep well?"

"Yes, I did. Thanks to you," Mac said warmly.

"Anytime." His offer was genuine; he was more than willing to spend his nights, and days, with Mac in his arms.