Feelin' the Same Way!
Disclaimer- If only I owned them….
Rabb House
0400 Zulu
Mac sat on the sofa, not caring what time it was. She twirled the silver band, with a 3-carrot diamond in the center of it, around her finger. She could still remember how happy she was on their wedding day. She wished she had that feeling now. She needed it now.
Harm was away on a case and she was enjoying the time to her self. She didn't want to be selfish and tell him that, but she needed some time for her to sort out everything that had happened in the recent months.
5 months ago, they found out that were going to be having a baby together. They were both so happy. Harm probably more than her. When he heard the news he went right out and bought a glove and bat for his son. Then, he thought it might be a girl so he also bought some Barbies. When he came home he has spent almost $100.
As Mac sat there she laughed at the memory. It was even harder to laugh now, so after she had laughed all she could she started to cry. Now she wished Harm was here to hold her and tell her everything would be fine.
The sun just slipped its note below my door
And I can't hide beneath
my sheets
I've read the words before
so now I know
The time has come again
for me
The song started to play on the CD player that she didn't even know she had on. As she listened to the words she wondered if they were being played just for her.
The pregnancy was wonderful. She loved being able to feel the baby kick in the middle of the night. And when she was pregnant Harm never teased her about her eating cause she would always say, 'I'm eating for two here sweetie.' She wished she could, once again, say those words.
And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all
over again
Singin' the same lines all
over again
No matter how much I
pretend
It was just 2 weeks ago. That started all of this. She had been feeling some pains so she went to the doctor to have it looked at. She thought it would just be because of the stress if a case she were working on.
Then the bomb was dropped. She had a miscarriage. It hit hard. Real hard. And sure Harm was there for her, but he never would understand her pain. The child that she had carried, a girl by the way, was now gone. She would never have that back.
Another day that I
can't find my head
My feet don't look they're
my own
I'll try and find the
floor below to stand
And I hope I reach it once
again
She tried to keep up the macho-marine
stance at the office. She would always answer the question with 'I am fine
thank you.' And then leave it at that. But that wasn't the case. She wasn't fine. She would
never be again. Everyone would say 'I know how you feel ma'am.' No they didn't.
They hadn't had a child stripped form them. They didn't know what it was like.
And I'm feelin' the same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all over again
Singin' the same lines all over again
No matter how much I pretend
For once, just once, she wanted to not have to act like she was okay. To just be herself. And she was sometimes, but no one ever saw it. It was either in her office, with the door locked and the blinds shut. Or it was, at times like this. When the house was quiet, when you could here a pin drop. When no one was home, and she could just be.
So many times I wonder where
I've gone
And how I found my way
back in
I'll look around awhile
for something lost
Maybe I'll find it in the
end
She wondered, why her. She had come so far in her life. She had beaten everything, found a man who adored her, a job that was the best there could be, and heck her shoes were feeling better. But this one thing had to go wrong. What had she done? She had taken the vitamins, done everything the doctor had said, and yet it had happened.
Sometimes she thought it was just a horrible dream, and she would be waking up soon, to a swollen belly with a little kick waking her up. But it wasn't a dream, and she wouldn't wake up from it. Sure she could have another baby, but it wouldn't be the same.
And I'm feelin' the
same way all over again
Feelin' the same way all
over again
Singin' the same lines all
over again
No matter how much I
pretend
As the song came to a close, she sat there for a while. Drying her eyes, and wishing for something. Anything! Just something good to go right for once.
She got up off the couch, turned the lights off, and climbed the stairs to her bed that felt empty. As she was making her way to her bedroom, she pasted the nursery. She just stopped by the door and looked at it.
The yellow paint on the walls made it seem bigger than it actually was. The crib, white with yellow lilies on them, was in the middle of the room. It would never be used again. The stuffed animals that were thrown around the room would never be played with. They would never have to be thrown out from being played with too much. The rocker chair that she would never be able to rock her daughter to sleep in. Nothing in this room would ever be used. And at the thought of that, she again, cried.
She made her way to the bedroom, and just laid down, staring at the ceiling. She didn't even have the energy to undress herself. She just laid down and tried to fall asleep, and hope that her dream took her to come place that nothing ever wrong. And everyone was happy.
The End
A/N- I know it's sad but I had to urge to write it. I will continue with 'Seeing you again' soon! Hope you liked it! By the way the song is by Norah Jones called "Feelin' the Same Way."