Hey.
I know, I know, lame. But, oddly, I find I'm not really sure what to say. I don't usually consort with humans. It's nuthin' against you; personally, it's just that I find it tiring pretendin' to be somethin' I'm not. And, for obvious reasons, that would have to be necessary. I guess I've just never really felt the need.
The coven I stay with, the Cullens. They all try to socialize at least a little bit, but that's really for their own selfish reasons. Don't get me wrong; they're a decent group, as far as these things go. But they're deludin' themselves, keeping up this charade all the time. They cling to what they can remember of their human lives even though it hurts them, and romanticize others' innate human-ness. But we're not human. I'm a vampire, and I've accepted that. They're still sort of in the denial phase.
So, they try their best to put on their little show of being just like all the other little mortals, going to high school time after time. I go along with it, for my own reasons, but I haven't really seen the need to interact with humans more than I have to.
Besides, even if I did, the rest of the coven would probably try to stop me. Not that they could, but they'd be all anxious and overbearin'. Which would kinda ruin it for me. Like I'm going to snap into a bloodthirsty rampage any second, and they would be able to prevent it. Darlin', first of all, I'm not weak like they think I am. And second, if I were to snap, nobody could stand in the way.
Except you. I mean, obviously, you're a special case. Very few humans find out about us, and if they know the truth, they only know the basics. Those that do are either turned, dead, or about to be one or the other. Of course, there are the crazies, but nobody will believe them anyways. You're probably one of the only ones who are none of the above.
Which, I suppose, might be why I'm even interactin' with you. I might not go outta my way to talk to your kind, but I guess you've always been an exception.
What you have to remember, though, is that we may look like humans, and we may used to be human, but we aren't anymore. No matter how similar our two species, we're still separate.
So certain things are entirely different. Our instincts, for example. They're similar but different. For example, no matter how in love you are with someone as a human, your first primal instinct is still gonna be self-preservation. There's no shame in that, that's just how it is. But as a vampire with your true mate, your first primal instinct is always gonna be to protect them.
A lot of things in our universe have something to do with our true mates. And that's that. That's probably also the major difference between our two species. We have true mates. And while some may be human that's just because of the close relationship.
I choose to look at it as almost two species. Kinda like a butterfly and a caterpillar. One turns into the other through a messy process. And sometimes, we'll find our true mates when they haven't yet gone through that process.
We have a slightly different natural behavior, too. We purr, for one. Of course, like many things in our world, that's only for our true mates. We growl, snarl, hiss, and all those things. Sometimes we can act reminiscent of a predatory feline. When we fight, we fight differently than humans do. It's not so much hitting as tearing. A punch would crack and fracture our skin, but do little actual damage. We tear each other's limbs off, literally.
Fighting is another interesting topic. Like most animals, we feel the inclination to fight over a lot of things. Territory, mates, sometimes just any little thing. The Cullen coven, no matter how much they try to be human, they are still just a coven of vampires deluding themselves. Just because I'm among them doesn't make me one of them. I may use their names sometimes, but at heart I'm still a Whitlock. The fact that we're all crowded together in vampire terms makes the suppressed tension that much greater. There's also their diet. I'm not saying it's the wrong choice or anything, but it does come with cons. One is that we're not fully fed and thus have to struggle with normal vampire things. It makes them less strong, fast, and in control. It also raises the tensions and negative emotions. That's where I come in. I learned pretty soon after coming here that if I just let their emotions run unchecked, they quickly spiral. They don't quite know how to get a grip on themselves, so I have to absorb some of that or we'll all burst. There's a reason most organized, mature covens aren't very big.
My past makes it so that I can handle myself better, even under bad conditions or circumstances. But all that unbridled negativity and darker emotions does get the better of me sometimes. I know how it feels to feed naturally, how much more controlled it is, and that makes the difference shocking. So, I will admit, I do stray sometimes. Usually I make my excuses and drain a rapist or two, maybe a murderer. I then gorge myself on animal blood and stay away until my eyes return to normal. Sometimes there's a complication and one of the coven stumbles upon me while my eyes still give me away. So I spin a tale of how I just couldn't resist, and I wanted to hide away my deed in shame. I convince them it was a slip-up and act the part of the regretful and angst-ridden member for a while. I let them assume what they want about the details.
I'm not a Cullen. You should remember that. I have my reasons for why I'm with them, but we'll get to that later.
As I've said before true mates play a big part in anything concerned with vampires. It, for instance, is why I'm even explaining this all to you. I should probably take the time to elaborate, so that the rest of what I'm about to tell you will make some sense to you.
A vampire may take companions and live contentedly with them for a long period of time. But any feelings they may have for each other are immediately trumped, as many things are, by one's true mate. True mates usually are referred to as simply mates. The process is slightly different for each pair, but the usual case is that as soon as the two make contact, they feel the mating bond form. The mating bond is a kind of…pull that a pair feels towards each other. It's part emotional, part mental, and part physical. Many liken it to a rope or strong binding tied to the other. But it also transmits the other's well-being. If the other is in extreme physical or emotional duress, or immediate danger, you will feel a pain or tug towards them. True mates can always locate each other by the bond, as when they are apart, they feel a slight pull towards the other's direction depending on how far away they are. The farther away they are, the stronger the pull.
When a vampire first finds their true mate, before they claim each other they are very possessive or protective of their other half. Claiming is when the pair has…intercourse…for the first time, during which they will bite each other during climax. The location is usually where the jugular vein would be on a human, or where the neck meets shoulder. There is a certain amount of venom injected into the mark, but unlike Master's Bites, where venom is injected to control the subject, it only strengthens the bond and reaffirms their choice.
This is because of both the location, and the timing. Vampires will bite each other's necks in an effort to rip the others' head off, but the steer way clear of the Claiming spot for a reason. Even Newborns instinctually don't bite there. If anyone other that the vampire's true mate tries to Claim them, it does not end well for both vampires involved. Another thing is that during intercourse with one's true mate, the venom is slightly different at climax for the sole purpose of the initial Claim. The bite site will be more insensitive to pain in the future, so sometimes when intercourse gets a little heavy and either feels the need to reinforce the Claim, biting again in the same spot will do that very thing with little pain on the other's part. It's also to warn others that their other halves are taken.
Some particularly stupid, new, or cocky vampire may come along and try to seduce a member of a mated couple, even with the Claim. Not only will they not be interested, their other half will become very possessive, protective, and jealous. A fight is almost inevitable, and sometimes loss of limbs or even death may occur. If one mate dies, the other will either immediately join them in a haze of pain and loss, or will seek revenge and then ultimately follow. If they seek revenge, they will be wild and almost feral, not capable of any thought other than to avenge their other half or to mourn them. They cannot be stopped unless they are killed.
Usually, the male is more dominant in the relationship than the female. Of course, there are a few exceptions, and if both parties are of the same sex, it's whichever is more naturally dominating. While humans find the subject of gay relationships very touchy, awkward, and up for debate, vampires are not so concerned. Most of the arguments against the are void, after all. Vampires, like many other animals, can be gay and not worry too much about prejudice or bad treatment. Humans who are against same-sex relationships mostly argue that it's unnatural, or not approved by whatever god they believe in, etc. But vampires are also deemed 'unnatural', so if we're already unnatural all bets are kind of off. You can't really be more unnatural.
Besides, all kinds of natural animals carry on gay relationships. With vampires, your sexual preference as a human isn't as straight and narrow. You might still prefer a certain gender, but that doesn't mean that you haven't dabbled with the other. Whoever is your mate, is your mate, and all the specifics don't really matter all that much.
What do I think of mates? Well, for a long time, as much as I tried not to be like Maria, I saw a mate as a weakness. Maria was my maker and the most evil female I know, but we'll get to that later. The point is, constantly worryin' 'bout your reason for existence's safety can be distractin', and many a strategic vampire has gone down because someone targeted their mate, and they reacted on pure instinct and rage. But now that I'm out of the Southern Wars, (somethin' else we'll get to later), I've had the opportunity to observe many a mated pair, make my own opinions.
And I found I was lonely. I didn't know if I was even gonna get a mate, you see. I've done bad, horrible things, and I have the scars to prove it. I thought maybe I didn't deserve a mate.
To me, a mate became…something to hope for. The one being who completed you, heart and soul, that instant connection, knowing that no matter how badly you screw up, they'll still be there. To love without fear of heartbreak, because no matter how bad a fight you get in with them, you know you're going to make up. Unconditional love and support, someone to hold on to and someone to get through the ups and downs of life together. Someone just to hold onto, period. That one person in the entire world, universe, whatever, that you can trust and be vulnerable with. Someone who you can feel pain, joy, lust, sadness, and most of all, someone to love you and who you love back. Everything and more.
And I probably still don't deserve that, but here you are. After decades, centuries, of waiting for you, here you are.
And I can't bring myself to be sorry. I know I should be. I really should be. But I'm not. It was violent, and you were probably scared, and freaked out, and confused, and I don't know why I did what I did. I saw you, and I felt that…connection. The deep, unwavering connection with someone that I've been waiting forever to feel. My instincts were at war with each other, my insides were in turmoil, but the one thing I knew with utter certainty is that you were the one I was waiting for. Everything and more.
And as you lay changing, in front of me, I feel…so amazing that I can't even begin to describe it to you.
But I will try to describe everything else.
AN/: I know, I know, I'm biting off waaaaaaaaaaaay more than I can chew. We all know I can chew very little. But I had a lot of spare time without electricity, so I had ideas, and I typed them. This story is probably not going to updated often, even less than Collection, and I might even forget about it forever. Just thought I should at least put it up. You know, in case. Yeah. Destiny Part 2 is still my priority, right under all the stuff real life puts on my plate. Then sleep, then Collection, and then a few empty gaps, then finally this.
So, yeah.