Alone in an Empty Room
Syo awoke from a deep, murky dream.
His eyes flew open and he shot up on his bed.
He clutched the front of his shirt. His heart was beating fast, beads of sweat dotted his forehead, his breathing was laboured. He couldn't remember the details of his dream, but it left him with a haunting feeling, as if a shadow was lurking right behind his shoulder, about to swallow him whole.
Syo buried his face in his knees and tried to steady his breathing. He reached out to the spot next to him, expecting to place his hand on a warm shoulder to calm himself down. Instead, his palm touched metal, cold and biting. Syo looked up and tried to take in his surroundings. It was dark; too dark to perceive much. But already he knew something was wrong, wrong, wrong. The mattress was too soft to be his. The blanket, too thin. The room was too cold. Slowly his brain processed the other elements of his surroundings: blank beige walls, a closed window by his side, light blue curtains, a quiet whirring of an air conditioner, the unrelenting, sterile smell of antiseptic, various tubes and whirring machines.
His heart thudded dully in his chest.
No, he thought, not again. He knew exactly where he was. He's been in this situation too many times before. The distinctive antibacterial smell was something he couldn't forget, unfortunately. He thought he was fine, he thought his heart was better by now— his last attack was way back when he was still in Saotome Academy, and that was years and years ago. Not again… not now.
Syo brought his shaking hand to his forehead, his eyebrows already furrowing. He hated this place. He hated the fact that he needed to admitted. Hated the fact that his heart was so weak, that he needed these machines to keep him alive. He'd promised Kaoru that he would take better care of himself; that such a thing wouldn't happen again. And yet...
Syo ran a hand through his hair, his forehead was beaded with nervous sweat. He can't remember when he was admitted. He couldn't even remember having an attack. He tried to recall, but at best, only images flashed through his mind — an empty stadium, a practice run for a concert; a brief glance of the insides of an ambulance; white ceiling rushing by him. A cacophony of noises echoed in his head — panicked shouts, directed orders, a wailing siren, beeping machines, his voice shakingly calling out his name.
"S-syo-chan…!"
Syo curled himself forward to his folded legs and wrapped his arms around his neck, making himself smaller and smaller. He thought, maybe, just maybe, if he was small enough, he would disappear from this place. Natsuki's image flashed by his mind's eye. He couldn't imagine how Natsuki must have felt when that happened. Would he have cried? He definitely must have been worried sick.
His chest throbbed, right there, behind the ribcage.
Where was Natsuki?
Syo tried to look around, scanning his blue eyes in the dark, for any signs of him. But alas, only the shadows of an empty hospital ward registered. Natsuki wasn't here. The silence in the room started to scream, he emptiness of the ward seemed to magnify, and the darkness of the room now appeared almost malicious.
Just like the nightmare, Syo was facing this alone.
Why wasn't he here…?
Goddammit, why wasn't Natsuki here beside him right now?
He knew he was being selfish right now, but he couldn't help it. He wanted Natsuki to be right here, right now. Syo wanted Natsuki to scoop him in his arms and kiss him, to reassure him that everything was going to be okay. He wanted to see that ridiculously optimistic smile and hear that comforting laugh. He wanted Natsuki to take him away from this godforsaken hospital!
The ache in his chest burned, flaring out from his heart spreading to his limbs. Syo tried not to groan. Hisimages bombarded through Syo's mind, flicking through like a shuffled deck of cards. Smiling Natsuki, worried Natsuki, crying Natsuki.
Faltering, Syo reached out for his phone and speed-dialled his number. The constrict in his chest tightened. His heart palpitated. Sweat was beading his forehead. He wanted to hear his voice. He needed to hear his voice. The dial tone that repeated felt like it was mocking him, taunting him.
"The number you have dialled is not answering. Please try again soon."
Soon wasn't fast enough. He needed it now, now, now. Syo redialled and waited. Nothing. Again, he redialed, and waited, and waited, and waited. He shut his eyes, and tried to calm his heart down. He imagined Natsuki was near, saying all those too sweet words that annoyed him nonstop. "You're so cute, Syo-chan!" "I saw the cutest looking shirt, Syo-chan. I think it'll suit you!" "Syo-chan, you were so cool today!"
The dial tone continued to play. Syo pressed the phone tighter to his ear, as if sending his desperation over by signal waves. Pick up the phone, Nacchan. Please pick up the phone.
"What?"
He couldn't help the slightly choked noise he made. The call finally got through.
"Natsuki?"
"You wish, brat." Upon hearing that, Syo felt a dark gloom zap across his whole body, seeping him of his energy. His shoulders sagged and his previous pitched up energy deflated. Not Natsuki. No, of course not. It's already late, and Natsuki never sleeps with his glasses on. "What the hell do you want? It's two fucking AM."
"I—" His voice cracked. "I want to talk to Natsuki."
"He's not here."
—beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…
And that was it. Without another word, Satsuki had cut the line, and the tone beeped monotonously, mocking him. Syo stared at his phone, not even having the energy to end the call. The beep continued on dully from it. The gloom inside of him grown twice the size, and depleted him fully of his energy. Natsuki wasn't physically here, and Natsuki can't even be contacted. The realization of that thought fully sucked him off all his vigor.
He didn't want to try again. At best, it would only make Satsuki irritated and ignore his successive calls. Syo wasn't usually like this, he knew it himself. He was being like a petulant demanding child. But he didn't want to face this alone — to wake up in the middle of the night, alone and confused, in the place he hated the most. The environment itself made him like this.
He lied down on his bed and shut his eyes, murmuring Natsuki's name as an effort to make him feel better. But that didn't help much. The whirring sounds of the machines invaded his eardrums. The sharp antiseptic smell penetrated his senses. The tubes and wires felt constricting. The safety bars around his bed made him feel more claustrophobic than safe. Syo curled himself up smaller and smaller. Hospitals are horrible, but in this situation, it was almost unbearable. He brought his phone closer to his chest, alas, the derisive monotone continued to play in his head, like a flatline.
Syo shut his eyes tightly this time. He wanted to be angry. Angry at himself. Angry at Satsuki. Angry at this condition he's in. Anger would feel better than this stark loneliness. Anger would burn him from the inside, and that would be better than this empty feeling. But anger would mean stress for his already weak heart, and God knows he does not want to be in this situation ever again.
— The phone in his hand vibrated.
Syo opened his eyes slowly, lethargically, thinking it was just a dream. But the phone kept vibrating. Someone was calling.
Natsuki.
Syo sat up. He still wondered if this was a part of his imagination; a way of coping— imagining such things are happening. He pressed answer, and when he heard his voice, he knew this was all real.
"Syo-chan?"
Relief surged through him like a tsunami wave, crashing down and washing the dark shadows away. Funny what a single voice can do to you. "Natsuki…?" His voice was soft but clear. Was it really him? Of course, he knew Satsuki would never call him 'Syo-chan' but right now he wasn't sure of anything.
"I woke up suddenly with my phone in my hand, and I saw that you'd called me a few minutes ago," his voice reached Syo's ears and —dammit, he was going to sound cheesy— that voice warmed him up from the inside. "I just wanted to make sure it's actually you."
"Of course it's me. There's no one else, right?"
"That means you've woken up!" Natsuki laughed that comforting laugh, and Syo could almost physically feel himself lighten up. "I'm so glad, Syo-chan. I'm really, really glad. I'll come visit you tomorrow too! And this time I'm going to hug you really, really tightly."
"Don't you dare, Natsuki."
Syo could feel the smile on his face. And he asked menial questions, just to get the conversation going. All Syo wanted was to listen to Natsuki's voice. He could forgive himself for being selfish, just for tonight… just for tonight. And slowly with each syllable that Natsuki said, Syo can feel himself feeling better, slowly.
"You're going to be okay, Syo-chan."
He is, now.
A/N: I can't sleep, so whipped up a quick fic. I remembered my time in hospitals when I was a kid. Night times are particularly scary, especially if you're alone in a ward.
Thank you so much for reading! :) I hope you'd enjoyed it!