Disclaimer: I do not own Loveless or any of the characters or plot associated. I also give full credit of the song to Evanescence and the lyrics to whomever wrote the original. THEY ARE NOT MINE. Understood?
Summary: Soubi's thoughts and suicide following Ritsuka's death.
Ratings: Mature, R, NC-17
Warnings: This story contains graphic suicide. Not for the weak of heart or stomach. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Author's Note: This is a songfic to Tourniquet by Evanescence (which is a cover of a band I cannot remember). I used the word tourniquet within the song in a more metaphorical sense, so don't tell me the song doesn't match the story. I took in the sense that the lyrics are referring to 'my god, salvation, tourniquet' as one being, which is a combination between how Soubi feels about Ritsuka and relieving his guilt.
I was too lazy to find a beta. I welcome anyone to point out a mistake I missed while proof reading, and I shall fix it. This is crossposted to there are people there who don't read it here and people here who don't read it there. I just want to get as much feed back as possible. Deal with it. smiles sweetly
Tourniquet
I tried to kill the pain
But only brought more (so much more)
I run the sharp edge across the skin of my wrist. Crimson droplets gather, contrasting beautifully with my pale skin. So delicate... so deadly... so much like his blood, that night. I smile as my blood pours out for him. Part of me thought that perhaps this would stop the eternal ache in my heart, but instead I feel only more pain. I'm not sure whether I like it or not, I feel no sadness, nor happiness. Only regret and a strange fulfillment.
Can you forgive me, Ritsuka? For letting you die, for letting your precious body be violated? I should have run faster... I should have felt your distress sooner... It should have been me...
Can you forgive me, Ritsuka? For breaking my promise to live for you? I can't live without you... the pain... it's too much. I need to be with you again.
More importantly, I need to punish myself. Only then can my soul be saved.
I lay dying
And I'm pouring crimson regret and betrayal
I'm dying, praying, bleeding, and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
A panicked calm feeling washes over me now. My body knows the blood gushing from me is leading to my death, as it tries in vain to save me. I smile wickedly, my mind knows this is what I deserve. I take a moment to grieve for him, to wallow in my self pity. Self mutilation and suicide is no good unless you have reason. Again, tears fall, my body is wracked with sobs... but I feel content in my demise.
I remember how he looked when I found him, leaning naked on the walls of the alley around him. Blood trickling from his lips, his nose, down his inner thighs. Dark bruises littered his once flawless, alabaster skin. His eyes impossibly wide as he said my name, tears leaking out, silently asking me why I let this happen to him, why I was late. I took him into my arms as he collapsed, rocking us back and forth, crying silent tears. I knew the end was near, somehow, I knew he was dying.
I couldn't stop begging him not to leave me, begging him to forgive me. He just whispered he loved me, and it wasn't my fault, there was nothing I could do. He told me I would be okay, that everything would be okay, that I should live for him.
"S-soubi... I... love you," his last words before he fell still.
My tears still come as I draw more crimson lines on my arms.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
I remember staring at his pale, dead face. His is still beautiful to me, even in death. A voice in my head wonders if that was why I let it happen. If I let him die because I was curious to see what death would look like on him. It's my fault he is dead, I know this. Tortured, raped, murdered. The memory of his blood seeping onto my clothing taunts me... taints me... is silent proof of my guilt.
I lift the blade and watch the droplets of blood slid down and off the sharp edge. I muse how ironic it is that such a small thing would kill me. I, Agatsuma Soubi, who has never been defeated, could be killed by so tiny and trivial an item. How disappointed will me enemies be that it was they who caused my death? How many times was I injured and near death only to come back fighting?
I make sure I spill just as much blood as he did, if not more. I wonder if it's enough to redeem me and worriedly cut more... all the way up to my elbows. I watch the tiny rivulets the new wounds have produced slid down my arm to the floor. I look to the pools of red surrounding and know it shouldn't be long now. I will be with him soon. Ritsuka, my world, my god, my only salvation...
Do you remember me
Lost for so long
Will you be on the other side
or will you forget me?
I wonder if we really can be together forever, following my death. I wonder if he will remember me. I wonder if I will end up in the same place he did... He who was so innocent, kind and loving... Me, a waste of space. Not that all of it was my fault. It's just that, nobody who was raped and beaten into servitude as a child, or who lived only to serve a master, like a dog, has much of a place in heaven. Especially if they failed to protect the only thing that made their pathetic life worthwhile.
In my distress, wondering if he will still remember me, still want me, I decide to mark myself. Pity, my arms are all covered. I look at my thighs, so pale and unscarred in comparison to the rest of my body. Dedicating the most pure part of my body to him seems suiting. I slowly, and deeply carve his name into my left thigh. I use a very elegant style of writing the kanji. I am am an artist, after all. My last project, my own body. I pray the wounds on my body stay with me after death, I want him to see how completely I am his.
On my right thigh, I carve his true name, the one he was gracious enough to share with me, 'LOVELESS', in English characters. He refused to mark me as his brother did... I am glad I can die with his name on me, perhaps the other pleasure I allow myself to take in my death. Besides easing my guilt, that is.
I'm dying, praying, bleeding and screaming
Am I too lost to be saved?
Am I too lost?
"If such a day comes... I'll die first... A life with you, Ritsuka, to me, it's..." I remember my words fervently whispered to him so long ago. Another broken promise, along with every, "I will always be there when you need me. I will always protect you."
Why couldn't I keep such simple oaths? If he was my world... Why couldn't I protect him? My only comfort is his forgiving words before his death. He was so perfect... he forgave me. I feel like somehow, that will save me in the end. I should have died first.
I am once again assaulted with the image of my broken angel in my arms, pain tears through my heart suddenly and I cry harder. My body is now to weak to remain in a kneeling position. So much blood... so much blood. Almost the entire bathroom floor in covered in it. I slump forwards, barely able to hold myself up on my arms... which soon give out and I crash to the floor, my head smacking the tile hard, making a faint splashing sound in the crimson liquid around me. This adds to the light headed feeling already there. Though I know I lie perfectly still on my side, the world is spinning too quickly around me.
My God, my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
My God my tourniquet
Return to me salvation
I can't hold back the myriad of emotions now. I thought for sure the end would be peaceful... but it's not. It's minutes away, I panic, I become afraid. I cry as I recall my Ritsuka smiling up at me bravely as he died. I wonder how he could be so strong, now that I know exactly how it feels to lay dying. My sense of purpose is gone as I briefly wonder if I could survive this, if I could live on. The anguish inside my soul tells me once again this is what I deserve. The overwhelming love I feel for him tells me this is the only way to be with him again.
With hardened resolve I reach for the abandoned razor and thrust it violently, painfully into my wrist again, pushing with all the strength I have left, dragging it until it pops out the side with a sound resembling a squish. The blood pumps from the main artery in warm, gushing waves. It's nauseating and comforting at the same time. Was this much blood inside me to begin with? I wonder. How is there enough blood left to reach my ears and roar with such ferocity? It's pounding. Everywhere. I taste it, I see it, I feel it, I smell it.
My wounds cry for the grave
My soul cries for deliverance
Will I be denied?
Christ, Tourniquet
My suicide…
The edges of my vision are going black, and still I cannot stop the sobs. I'm screaming his name, right now, I know, but I feel removed from my body, as if it's someone else screaching so desparately. The physical pain has disappeared, the sickening smell of my blood is fading... it's a race to see which of my senses are going to fail first.
Sight is gone completely, but I know I'm still alive. My feeling is gone next, I think I'm floating... or rather, freefalling. Who knew lose of sensation would induce such a profound imaginary feeling? Soon, I can't smell my spilt life force anymore, and I have either stopped screaming or I can't hear my voice anymore, I'm not sure which. The world has stopped, the only thing that convinces me I'm still alive is the fact that my thoughts are still roaring, until...
Am I too lost?
Suicide…
Author's Second Note: I hope you enjoyed, or rather, didn't enjoy. It was supposed to be rather painful. This is the first fan fiction I have posted online, and one of the only ones I've finished (I'm notorious for incomplete fics). There is a small chance sometime in the future I will write a prequel (what happened to Ritsuka) or a sequel (either people's reactions to the deaths of Ritsuka and Soubi, or their meeting in the world beyond life). However, it won't happen unless the mood strikes me, or I get people fall completely in love with this and require more (unlikely), so don't get your hopes up. I think it goes fairly nicely as a one-shot.
Please leave your thoughts for me.