A day in the life of Rinoa whoretilly (hehehe)
By Grungemaster j
Short tale about Rinoa`s life after the events of Final fantasy eight ,I know I am going to get killed for this, but hey, If I cared I would probably be in counseling right now after the flaming I got for "Missed you" . Rinoa lovers can consider this as revenge .I wrote this fic very quickly and I don't expect excellent reviews for it, its more novelty than humor, but you may wish to have a paper bag close by because its not exactly a work of art ,but feel free to disagree
Rinoa was walking around the Garden , looking for a man attractive enough for her to flirt with .She really wanted to make Squall jealous ,because he had dumped her on the basis that she kept sleeping with all of his friends. (None of the other guys ever complained) she thought as she wandered around , knocking over the guys that she had considered too ugly to be on her hit list . Suddenly she found the perfect man , Irvine, he would be happy to go with any girl .He was exactly the same as her ,he wanted Selphie to notice him ,and would enjoy a little fun while doing it .
"Hey Irvine, I was just wondering if you would sleep with me to make Squall jealous ,seeing as I sleep with anyone ,I'm sure that me having sex with you would totally make Selphie jealous as well ."
"Rinoa ,what the hell is your problem ,Selphie split up with me because I was flirting with chicks, why would sleeping with them make her want me more ?".
"Duh . . ., I uh ,thought you were someone else called Irvine , I was only joking anyway , heh .I am actually looking for a mutually beneficial relationship with a partner of the opposite sex."
" Whoa Rinoa ,I didn't know that you were so perceptive about the aspects of a long term relationship"
"Yeah ,well ,I read it in "Hello" magazine ,it was an article about what to say when you were on a dating line ."
"Oh yeah ,I suppose that makes a lot more sense than you actually growing a mind of your own ,but why would you want to go onto a dateline ?"
"Uh well not exactly to a dateline ,more of improving relations with my clients ,anyway ,I had better get going if I am to find a guy before lunch ,ok, see ya ."
Rinoa walked off and continued her quest .She had ruled out most off the garden as too ugly or ones she had already had during her time with Squall .Irvine had been the #1 target but that had fallen through ,so she had decided to pay a visit to Seifer"
"Hey Seifer ,how's things now that Fuujin dumped you ?"
"Hey Rinoa ,she didn't dump me , we merely decided to take a break in our rollercoaster ride through the tunnel of love .Although I am surprised to see that you have finally ended your time with that jerk Squall"
"uh ,yeah ,well he refused to sleep with me unless I stopped whoring myself to everyone in the garden , like that was gonna happen .Anyway ,I was just wondering if you wanted to maybe sleep with me and buy me stuff to make Squall jealous ,and in return I will totally do anything that you want"
"ok then ,I think squall is probably in the cafeteria, so I think we should go there and shamelessly flirt and play with ourselves so that we get everyone's attention"
"but I do that anyway ,I don't see how anyone would notice me acting like a slut, I mean its hardly anything out of the ordinary"
"ok ,fair point ,uh , how about if we talk dirty to each other extra loud in the nearest table"
"I don't think that that would be appropriate"
"oh yeah ,sorry I was getting carried away ,that might have sounded slightly degrading "
"oh ,its not that I'm offended or anything ,in fact I'm well up for it ,its just that I normally get paid for doing that kind of thing"
"y`know ,I can actually believe that ,anyway I`ll see you later I still have to go into Balamb so I`ll meet you back here in a few ."
A while later they meet up and head for the cafeteria ,when they arrive , they single out Squall and co ,and sit down nearby .They start playing with each other and Squall and Quistis see them ,they approach them and Quistis starts talking
"Hey ,we are so glad that you two have got together ,we were worried that you might take this badly Rinoa ,but Squall and I are now a couple ,but I can see that you and Seifer are together and you couldn`t be happier ,right .
"Yeah ,I`m fine with this ,totally ,I mean ,I`m so much happier with Seifer because he is so ,uh ,talkative ,unlike Squall ,heh"
"Yeah ,well anyways Quisty and I are tres benevolent about this ,its like our split was an omen that I should be with someone else ,I mean , your just a good for nothing whore ,no offense"
"None taken ,I get that all the time"
"But you`ll never be Quistis"
"Oh Squall that was so sweet ,I love you so much"
Rinoa gets really po`d at this
"Ok ,(hiss) I`m really happy for you ,Seifer ,can I talk to you for a second"
Rinoa and Seifer walk away and have a chat for a few seconds ,they soon return and begin to make out in front of the whole cafeteria ,Squall and Quistis look shocked and tell them that its against the rules to have relations in a public place ,but Cid comes in and talks to Squall et Quisty for a while until he notices the sweating bodies on the floor
"uh ,excuse me ,Seifer and , . . . that hooker from Timber!-I swear that I did not have sexual relations with this woman"
"Oh hey ,you're that guy that wanted me to call him daddy ,oh yeah ,thanks for letting me keep the outfit ,its added a whole new range of customers for me"
"seriously ,I have never seen this woman before in my life"
"But you said that you really cared about me"
"OKAY ,OKAY ,I admit it ,I slept with this girl ,words can't express how ashamed I am ,please don't judge me over this ,I`m so ashamed ,oh God, Edea will kill me and I`ll lose my job"
Squall + Quistis "You slept with Rinoa ,no way!"
"oh ,im so ashamed I know you all think I'm sick but please don't judge me"
Pause
"Hey ,I slept with Rinoa"
"me too"
"I did too ,umkay"
"Me and mr hat had a sordid threesome"
Squall + Quistis "dude ,things are pretty $%?!ed up right here"
"Okay has anyone in this room with the exception of Squall and Quistis ,not had sex with Rinoa?"
Pause
"I didn`t"
"You don't count halfy ,you don`t have any legs"
"oh"
Anyway Cid has no choice but to expel Seifer and Rinoa from the garden .
After they left , a plague went around garden and many of the students die
DR kadowaki has discovered that several STDs were present on the corpses, an investigation as to the source was not needed
Cid somehow survived the mass death (by contraception) and after leaving the garden to quistis his adopted daughter ran for president ,he won by a landslide ,and still denies having any sexual relations with that woman (most of the witnesses are dead) .
Irvine got back together with Selphie but a few hours later was killed by some tragic illness which has not had medical records as Irvine had them burned as his last request to Selphie ,who married Zell and they had 2 VERY hyperactive children ,they lived in Balamb after they were allowed early retirement
Rinoa and Seifer
"Hey Seifer ,can I take a break now my back hurts ,"
"No ,not until we have enough money for me to have treatment for this disease you gave me ,hey here comes a guy now ,quick stick your leg out and wave"
"I know ,I know, I've done this a million times ,dammit. *ahem* ,Hey mister ,I'm easy ,you looking for business"
"Sure ,how much-OH NO! not you again ,Rinoa, will you stop following me around"
"Cid?"
"That's MR Cid to you citizen"
Squall and Quistis got married and had two kids , Tweezle and Moon Unit (named after Frank Zappa`s kids).They went to live next door to Selphie and Zell and everyone lived happy ever after .
Well ,except for Rinoa ,whose father refused to pay for her treatment because she was so spoilt .She died very painfully after an accident with a car, she wanted to see if she would die if a car ran over her ,she tried it on a very busy highway and ended up in pieces on the road and the police could not stop the vehicles as it was so busy .So the next time you drive along a highway ,check your tyres ,there may well be a little piece of Rinoa whoretilly on your car if your lucky.
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Okay that was weird ,I had fun writing it, rate whatever .Maybe I`m not cut out for humour. Anyway I`m wondering if I should change my nick cos everyone calls me by many different names(many are not publishable).Wish I hadn't lent my playstation to a friend cos I really want to buy some new games .Most of my friends are on holiday ,that sucks bad and all of my games/cds are stuck in their bedrooms ,but at least I`ve still got my friends phantom menace vid ,along with an austin powers cd, incesticide (Nirvana) and another guys black sabbath/rhcp tapes.