The Fellowship of the Kitchen
All of these smashing characters belong to Tokein
This is another old fic I found while cleaning out my External Hardrive. Enjoy! .
Chapter One: Dwarves Are Teapots
(Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli and Gandalf walk into Frodo's house. They hear screams coming from the kitchen)
Scream: BUT I'M KING OF THE BLENDERS!!!
Other Scream: BUT I WANT THE BLENDER!!!
Another scream: IT'S NOT FAIR! I ONLY GET THE CUPS AND THE TOASTER!!!
Legolas: Err….what's that?
Aragorn: I don't know! But I shall venture in alone to prove myself worthy of being the KING OF GONDOR!!! (Dramatic lighting and wind effects)
Legolas: You're ALREADY king of Gondor.
Aragorn: Oh yeah, let's go in shall we? (Skips into the kitchen)
Legolas & Gimli: (look at each other)
(Gandalf, Gimli and Legolas follow Aragorn)
Frodo: BUT I LIKE THE GEORGE FOREMAN GRILL!!!
Sam: (wearing a sieve on his head) Well you can't have it! It's mine…my precious….
Merry: (slaps Sam)
Frodo: Then I get the Microwave!
Sam: Fine…
Pippin: Can I have the can opener?
Merry: NO! THAT'S MINE!
Pippin: Dangit.
Aragorn: By my manly stubble! What ARE you doing?
Sam: We're the FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!! (Dramatic poses, lighting and wind effects)
Legolas: The what?
Frodo: The….FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!! (Dramatic poses, lighting and wind effects)
Gimli: Oooh! Can I join?
Gandalf: (raises eyebrows)
Gimli: I mean….This is an OUTRAGE!!!
Legolas: No it isn't! I LOVE kitchen utensils!!! Can I have the Chopsticks and Teapots?
Sam: Ok!
Legolas: YAY! (Grabs Teapot) I'm a little teapot, short and stout!
Pippin: I didn't know Gimli was a teapot!
Aragorn: By my manly stubble! The young master Pippin is right! Dwarves are teapots!
Gimli: I'm not a teapot!
Aragorn: Who's king of Gondor?
Gimli: (grumbles)
Aragorn: I can't hear youuu!
Gimli: YOU ARE KING OF GONDOR!!!
Aragorn: That's right darling! (Pats Gimli)
Gimli: (Grumbles)
Gandalf: You're all idiots (poofs away)
Frodo: (cuddling the George Foreman grill) Is that all we'll see of him in this fanfic?
Sam: Probably. Anywho, I GET THE FRIDGE!!!
Merry: Aww! No fair!
Gimli: I want the sporks
Aragorn: I am King of Gondor! I should get sporks! (Grabs sporks)
Gimli: (grumbles)
Aragorn: Well, I AM King of Gondor ya know!
Legolas: We ALL know that darling. We were at the ceremony. We SAW!
Aragorn: Just reminding you!
Legolas: Anyways, I'm going to go and slay Orcs with my teapot then stick chopsticks up their dead nostrils!
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! YOU ARE MAD!!!
Gimli: And I'm a teapot?
Aragorn: YES!
Legolas: I know…MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
(Long silence)
Frodo: Your voice is too gay for an evil laugh
Legolas: Meanie! (Pours hot tea on Frodo)
Frodo: ARHHHHHHHHHHH!!! IT BUUUUUUUUURNS!!! I'M MELTING! MEEEEEEEEELTIIIIIIIIIING!!!! (Dies)
Pippin: FROOOOOOOODOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! YOUNG MASTER FRODO IS DEAD!!!
(Gasps)
Sam: No he isn't. This is a FANFIC. The writer can bring him back to life!
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE! WHERE IS THIS WISE "WRITER?"
Legolas: It's a quest! In order to revive Frodo we must seek this "writer"!
Gimli: Can I come too?
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE NO!!!
Gimli: (grumbles)
Legolas: Of course you can come darling! (Pecks everyone on the cheek) Now Fellowship of the Kitchen! Let us seek The Writer!
All: YAY!!!
Writer: Um…I'm here…And my name's Isa. But you can call me "Oh Mighty One".
Legolas: OH MY GOD!!!
Oh Mighty One: And I don't like Frodo
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! WHY NOT?
Oh Mighty One: Because he's an annoying little brat
Gimli: Do you like me?
Oh Mighty One: …No.
Gimli: (grumbles)
Aragorn: Oww. I wanted a quest that would take us three long books with much describing of the moon and Legolas' singing and/or three 4 hour-long films with about 2 hours of it cut out and much of my manly stubble in which to find you!
Oh Mighty One: (whispers to Legolas) He's always like this, right?
Legolas: Yes. Yes he is.
Arwen: YOU don't have to live with him
Oh Mighty One: No but I want to. (Drools over the hotness of Aragorn)
Merry: Excuse me, but isn't this just inserting yourself into the fanfic in order to live out your dream of marrying Aragorn and therefore being Queen of Gondor?
Oh Mighty One: SILENCE! (slaps Merry)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! IT IS TOO DANGEROUS AND PERILOUS FOR YOU TO BE HERE MY LOVE!!!
Arwen: Right. Of course it is. Because the George Foreman Grill could leap out and slaughter me at any second. Or the treacherous Chopsticks might gauge my eyes out.
Oh Mighty One: That could be arranged
Arwen: Oh really?
Oh Mighty One: Yes. Yes it could. I'm the writer. I can do whatever the hell I want
Arwen: Except make people fall in love with you
Oh Mighty One: Yeah but if I kill all the other girls and Gimli-
Gimli: What do I have to do with this?
Oh Mighty One: Nothing, I just don't like you
Gimli: Aww….no one likes me! (Cries)
Merry: LET'S GO TO THE GREEN DRAGON!!!
Pippin: YAY!!!
Sam: POTATO!!!
Frodo: Help….me…..
Oh Mighty One: Fine…(Heals Frodo)
Aragorn: BY MY MANLY STUBBLE!!! WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!?
Oh Mighty One: Err…. TO THE GREEN DRAGON!!!!
Hobbits: YAY!!!
---------------------------------------
Will Gandalf return? Will The Mighty One get together with Aragorn? Or will his manly stubble and Arwen get in the way? Will the Hobbits find their weed?
Frodo: But we have the weed
Shut up. Anyways, find out in the next instalment of…THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE KITCHEN!!!!
Frodo: Ooooooooh, a camera!
Go way. (Kills Frodo) Oops.