A short vignette on Willow's feelings after season 6
Joss and Co own all, he is God, bow before the almighty Mutant Enemy.
How can I live like this? How can I go on? I feel like on of those birds, those little tiny birds that used to live in the tree in front of the house and they fell out of the nest and the tried and tried to fly back up but their little wings weren't strong enough. I can't get through this. Without her there is nothing.
I close my eyes and all I see is death. I smell in it my clothes. I take them off and get in the shower and scrub my skin but I can still smell it, burning flesh and an ungodly scream. I scrub and scrub and Giles finds me there, skin tattered and bloody, the water long since run cold. Only I don't feel it. I feel nothing but emptiness and dirt.
They all try to help. Xander comes everyday and he makes jokes and I smile whenever his voice pauses so he thinks I'm listening but really I'm hearing that other sound, the loud sound of the gun going off and her soft voice, "Willow, your shirt..." She was so concerned for me, even then she didn't even know what has happened to her. She fell down and her life bled out and I could feel her fading from me and I tried, with every part of my Witch's strength to hold her there, to force her back. And denied this, I did the one thing that she abhorred...I killed.
That's the worst part. Knowing that she is wherever she is, hating me for what I did. I know she does too, becuase I know that she hated that part of me that got out of control. She hated the violece and destruction that seemed a basica part of my nature. Maybe it's better that she is gone so that she doesn't have to see the results.
No, better that I were dead and she lived on. I would give anything if I could switch with her. After Giles brought me here I begged his to do it, to make a trade. I knew that there was some demn somewhere with the power to do it. And no one deserved more to live then she did. And no one deserves more to die than I do.
Giles wouldn't do it and now he watches me because he is afraid of what I'll do if he leaves me alone. Like the shower incident...
He says it will get better. He says in time I will learn to live with what I did. I wish I could believe that. I wish I could ask someone, like Angel or Spike, how they deal with the constant memory...how do they survive it?
I don't know if I will.
But I know that she would want me to go on, to atone for my evil in some way.
So I try. Every day I try to go on, to push it all behind a mask and pretend that I'm OK. Maybe someday I will be good at it, like Buffy. Maybe someday I can just pretend this whole world away.
I'm trying Giles, I'm really trying. But I'm so dirty, I can't seem to get clean...
Joss and Co own all, he is God, bow before the almighty Mutant Enemy.
How can I live like this? How can I go on? I feel like on of those birds, those little tiny birds that used to live in the tree in front of the house and they fell out of the nest and the tried and tried to fly back up but their little wings weren't strong enough. I can't get through this. Without her there is nothing.
I close my eyes and all I see is death. I smell in it my clothes. I take them off and get in the shower and scrub my skin but I can still smell it, burning flesh and an ungodly scream. I scrub and scrub and Giles finds me there, skin tattered and bloody, the water long since run cold. Only I don't feel it. I feel nothing but emptiness and dirt.
They all try to help. Xander comes everyday and he makes jokes and I smile whenever his voice pauses so he thinks I'm listening but really I'm hearing that other sound, the loud sound of the gun going off and her soft voice, "Willow, your shirt..." She was so concerned for me, even then she didn't even know what has happened to her. She fell down and her life bled out and I could feel her fading from me and I tried, with every part of my Witch's strength to hold her there, to force her back. And denied this, I did the one thing that she abhorred...I killed.
That's the worst part. Knowing that she is wherever she is, hating me for what I did. I know she does too, becuase I know that she hated that part of me that got out of control. She hated the violece and destruction that seemed a basica part of my nature. Maybe it's better that she is gone so that she doesn't have to see the results.
No, better that I were dead and she lived on. I would give anything if I could switch with her. After Giles brought me here I begged his to do it, to make a trade. I knew that there was some demn somewhere with the power to do it. And no one deserved more to live then she did. And no one deserves more to die than I do.
Giles wouldn't do it and now he watches me because he is afraid of what I'll do if he leaves me alone. Like the shower incident...
He says it will get better. He says in time I will learn to live with what I did. I wish I could believe that. I wish I could ask someone, like Angel or Spike, how they deal with the constant memory...how do they survive it?
I don't know if I will.
But I know that she would want me to go on, to atone for my evil in some way.
So I try. Every day I try to go on, to push it all behind a mask and pretend that I'm OK. Maybe someday I will be good at it, like Buffy. Maybe someday I can just pretend this whole world away.
I'm trying Giles, I'm really trying. But I'm so dirty, I can't seem to get clean...