Princess Peach Fights Back!
By Mike (AKA Lethal Dude)
It was a fine day in the Mushroom Kingdom. The sun came shining brightly on the windows of Peach's castle and the skies were clear light blue. This day was like any other day, except for one think, Peach was po'ed.
"I'm sick of being a princess!" she exclaimed.
The princesses' shout got to the ear of Toad. He ran as fast as he could to her room to see what was going on.
"What's the matter, Peach?" he asked.
"First of all, you should've knocked". "I could have been naked for all you know".
"Please, forgive me, princess," Toad pleaded.
Peach just seemed to ignore it and kept rambling on.
"Why did Miyamoto make me a blond!" she shrieked. "They always say how dumb blonds are , although I did like that movie Legally Blond, but that's not my point". "Most women in video games nowadays are treated as objects to the male hero's sexual fantasies because they prance around in little or no clothing and act all stupid".
She continued to rant.
"Why do women characters in video games don't get as much credit as the guys do". "Girls are strong too". "We can shoot guns, kick, or punch as good as any guy can". "I'm tired of waiting to be rescued by Mario when big Bowser kidnaps me!". "Well, not anymore, I'll kick Bowser's ass the next time he tries to touch me!, but wait, I first need a makeover".
"Peach, is it your time of the month?" Toad snickered.
All of a sudden, Princess ran as fast as she could and punched Toad so hard that all of his teeth fell out.
"Next time, think really hard before you speak," Peach growled.
She sped off from the castle in her red Corvette and landed at the nearest beauty parlor while listening to Bikini Kill CD's all the way there.
When she arrived, she burst open the door with a scowl on her face.
"Peach, doll, so good to see ya!" the middle aged woman smiled. "How may I help you today, dear?".
"Yeah, I want a Mohawk," Peach replied chewing on her bubble gumball she got from the vending machine outside the parlor.
"Why, that hairstyle is absurd for a woman to have!" the lady gasped.
"I don't care," Peach stated in an annoyed tone. "Just do it!".
"Right away, your highness."
"Thank you!".
Of course, Princess Peach got a haircut just like Brody Armstrong of the punk band the Distillers, a radical blond Mohawk. As the girl was cutting Peach's hair, she had the radio on.
"This just in!" the announcer said in a most serious tone. "Bowser is terrorizing Mushroom Kingdom once again and Mario is nowhere to be found."
"That does it!" Peach yelled while putting on her black lipstick that she pulled out of her purse. "It's time to kill Bowser once and for all".
She burst out of the parlor with her black dress and a choker. Bowser was already starting to burn the area to a crisp.
"Why, if it isn't weak little Peach," Bowser laughed. "C'mon and give me some sugar."
"Go screw yourself!" Peach commanded.
She took out two fully loaded rifles from under her dress. Bowser made such a face that you wouldn't even imagine he would make.
"That take, b-otch!", Princess demanded.
"Nooooooooooo!" Bowser screamed before he went down for the count.
Suddenly, Mario came dashing from the other side of town.
"What happened, princess?" he questioned her.
"I pulled out a can of whoop ass on Bowser," Peach said in her now sweet baby voice, "and Mario, where the hell were you when all this was taking place".
"Oh, I held up the line at Starbucks trying to decide which flavor latte I wanted". "Princess, you didn't turn out to be a lesbo, did you?".
"Don't talk stupid, Mario," Peach giggled. "Just because I get tough doesn't make me a lesbian". "Besides, I still look feminine and homosexuality just ain't my thing". "You don't have to worry, Mario, you'll always be my hero in my times of need".
"Ye-hoo!" Mario exclaimed and gave the peace sign to the ongoing crowd who was cheering so loudly for the new heroine and her superhero boyfriend who's she has stuck with through thick & thin. Everyone in Mushroom Kingdom lived happily ever after…. For now, that is.
The End