Chapter One: Time for a Change
Somewhere out in the dark, silent vacuum of space, not too far from planet Irk, the Irken Armada stood proudly in place. The little Irkens didn't do much aboard their assigned crafts; neither did their leaders, the Almighty Tallest. They receive calls from their Irken Invaders every so often, to whom they send off on their merry way, to continue to conquer their designated planet. In the meantime, The Tallest eat. Specifically snacks. They received mass shipments from the planet Foodcourtia's vending machine distributors, and with money that was supposed to be funded towards the Invaders missions.
The Tallest were sitting comfortably in their brand new, squeaky hover chairs aboard The Massive, the largest flagship in the Irken Armada. They were alone on the control bridge, besides the few Navigators and Communication Officers nearby at their control desks. But they don't say or do much, really. They had a large box of donuts from Krusty Kreme Donuts on the little round table between their chairs. Tallest Red's mouth was stuffed with donuts. He kept trying to speak, but stopped until after he swallowed. "Ya know what I like?" He asked, picking up another donut. Tallest Purple took a moment to think to himself. "Donuts?" he asked.
Red smiled and closed his eyes, leaning as far back in his chair as possible. "Yeah, donuts". There was a long pause as they both reflected on donuts. All kinds of them: jelly-filled, sprinkled, glazed, crullers, fritters, éclairs… all of them danced and sang in front of their eyes, singing an adorable song about diabetes. Some donuts were in love with each other and wanted to make little baby donuts, which the Tallest thought was pretty cool. Purple snapped out of their shared trance. "We're gonna need more donuts. That bewildering trance wasn't remotely trippy enough..." He grabbed the box. "There's only like, 12 left in here."
"Good thinking!" Red shouted. "See, this is why we're such good leaders, we know how to get things done… I knew it right when we went from being the tallest students in college, to being THE ALMIGHTY TALLEST of the Irken Empire. I knew we would do great things together. I just knew." Purple was thoroughly humbled by this. "We're like two dogs who only want to smell each others hairy little bottoms and no one else's, who send their scrawny little puppies out to find new places for us to sniff. Dogs who enjoy the finer things, like donuts, among others. But mostly donuts."
A mechanical warble sounded as Communications Officer Veend reported "My Tallest, incoming transmission from Captain Panch aboard The Puny." The Tallest giggled at this title. The Puny was the smallest vessel in the Armada, but Panch was still a good Captain, and was still nearly as tall as them, which bothered The Tallest quite a bit. "Well, put him through, oh communicating one" sang Tallest Purple, stuffing another donut in his mouth and twirling around a bit on his hover chair.
The image of Captain Panch scribbled onto their giant screen. He was fatter and darker than they remembered. "Ah! My Tallest." He croaked, for he had a bit of a frog-like voice, since he was a heavy smoker. Apart from being the captain of an official vessel of the Irken Armada, he was also responsible for maintaining The Tallest's supply of Krusty Kreme Donuts. "I'm afraid I have some disturbing news…"
"Ha! We don't pay you for disturbing news, Captain. We pay you for donuts. So unless this news is about donuts, we don't want to hear it".
Panch attempted to clear his throat. He's never able to, though. "But My Tallest, this news is about donuts."
"Oh! Then by all means, go right ahead, why didn't you say so? Stupid!" said Red.
"Yeah, stupid!" continued Purple "What about donuts, hmmm? We always wanna hear about donuts! When haven't we wanted you to tell us about the donuts, huh?"
"Yes, the donuts. Well… ya see, sometimes certain companies don't do well financially…" He began.
"Uh-huh" Red said, barely paying much attention.
"And it's not always their fault, you know. Things happen." He continued.
"Okay" Purple said holding up a rainbow sprinkled donut to his face and watching it twirl around and between his fingers. "Then what happened?"
Captain Panch sighed heavily. "Krusty Kreme Donuts… they, uh... they don't exist anymore." Panch said as gently as he could. There was a dead silence on the control bridge. Even the Navigation and Communication Officers couldn't help but watch The Tallest in silence to see how they reacted. The Tallest's attention shot away from their snacks in a heartbeat as they stared at the large screen, wide-eyed, mouths agape, jelly and powdered sugar all over their mouths. Panch continued, "What you have there is all there is left. They've been bought out by…" He made a twisted, disgusted face "…grocery stores."
Everyone on the bridge made a noise of disgust and agony. "GROCERY STORES!? Who wants groceries?" Red screamed in a panic. "Everyone knows that everyone just wants donuts! It's a fact of the galaxy! The universe, even! They wrote it on like, ancient scrolls… or stone tablets or something, right? Part of the 10 food commandments? Thou shall only want donuts, now and forever!?"
"Officer Veend! Officer Klab! Red Alert! The Irken Armada is hereby in its most desperate hour! We're DONUT-LESS" Purple shouted, about ready to faint. "Operation Impending Doom II may crumble before our very eyes due to this tragedy! Notify the -"
"There IS one left though, My Tallest." Panch interrupted the chaotic jabbering.
The Tallest sprang forward onto the handrail in front of them. "WHERE, Panch? Wheeeeerrrrre?" They hissed in unison and glared at him, nearly losing their minds. Their hisses echoed across the control bridge until there was complete silence once again.
Panch looked at his paper closely, straightened it, adjusted his glasses and attempted to clear his throat one more time. "Earth" he said lightly. The Tallest slowly turned their heads towards each other till their faces were inches apart. Their eyes practically staring into each other's souls as they eerily repeated together once more "Earth…"
Back on Earth, a small planet in the Milky Way galaxy, relatively unknown to the Irken race up until recent events, a little car came speeding around a suburban street corner and stopped in front of Zim's house, leaving dark skid marks on the road and sidewalks. Gir stepped out. An excess of cups and candy wrappers came spilling out with him, almost toppling him over. Gir waved goodbye as the car went zigzagging down the street, knocking over numerous trashcans and breaking several fire hydrants. Inside, Zim's robot parents stood leaning against the wall, now completely dysfunctional, failing to respond to any forms of command or treatment. An old, greasy pizza and tub of melted ice cream lay smeared across the floor in one corner, and the green monkey painting on the wall watching everything as creepily as ever.
Zim found himself sitting frozen on his living room sofa, awkwardly slouched and intensely staring forward at the flashing static on the television screen, his pointy fingers almost piercing through the cushion fabric. The pink reflections in his deep red eyes danced and shimmered with the sporadic light. Gir swung the door open and came staggering in, paying no attention to his dog costume that had started to drop almost to his feet and was dragging behind him, ever since getting out of his friends car. He noticed Zim staring off into space and came wobbling over to him.
"Master?" Gir said softly, tilting his head, trying to make eye contact with him. "Maaaaaaster! Masterrrrrrr! Masssssssss…durrrrrr! MASTER!?" he called in several different manners of tone. Zim said nothing, without even a budge or a single blink. Gir smiled and giggled and kicked his dog costume to the wall, leaped onto Zim's lap, snuggled up to him, and put one arm around his shoulder. "Master, I have so much to tell youuuu! My friend the good hippo invited me to a party!" This was all muffled banter to Zim at the moment.
"We daaaaanced, and we saaaaaang, and we drank AAAALL kinds of Suck Munkeys!" Gir continued. Zim continued to stare in thought. Something needs to change. We've wasted so much time…
"We had... pizza Suck Munkey, we had... nacho cheese Suck Munkey, and – and – and…" The muffled noise was now pressing firmly against his ear holes. The Dib human haunts me. Every second of the day it's Dib on my mind... Dib! Dib!... SICK LITTLE EARTH WORM, DIB!"
"And – aaaaaaand, banana hotdog bubble gum Suck Munkeyyyy."
"SILENCE!" Zim exploded as he shoved Gir off his lap and onto the floor. He was near hyperventilating, his right eye twitching like never before. "Gir! Attention!" he commanded.
Gir's eyes turned red and angry. "Yes, Sir!". Zim waited a few moments, knowing his focus wont last. After a few short moments, Gir's eyes faded back to green again and he fell backwards onto the carpet, smiling upwards. "I'm gonna make friends with the ceiling face, then we can try more Suck Munkey!"
Zim watched him with the upmost annoyance. "How you can possibly enjoy these...filthy... human's pathetic excuses for oral sustenance, I can't understand, Gir." He grabbed Gir and forced him back on his feet, looking him up and down. "Besides, you're a robot! You don't have taste buds! All these different sticky icky Suck Munkey nasties can't possibly taste any different to you! You need - "
"TRY THE TAPIOCA BEEF SUCK MUNKEY" Gir screamed as he pulled a drink out of nowhere and shoved its fat straw in Zim's mouth and squeezed. Zim immediately spat the beef drink all over the living room, as well as from the cup, as Gir continued to squeeze while laughing and rolling on the floor. Blotches and streams of the thick liquids nearly covered the room. "Hey, ceiling face, do you like the beef!? DO YOU LIKE THE BEEF, CEILING FACE!? DO YA!?" The ceiling face was nowhere to be seen.
Zim quickly wiped the sticky liquid from his face and marched towards Gir, grabbing him and dragged him towards the toilet as he continued to laugh and inquire the face about its thoughts about the beef. Zim got into the toilet with Gir and flushed. They spiraled down into his lab, where he threw Gir in a glass chamber and locked it. Gir flitted around and against the glass, giggling about something inaudible. "Why do I even keep you around!?" Zim asked, glancing very closely at him "You're not helping me with the mission! We're here to conquer Earth! Stop making stupid little animal friends that I'm not always sure even exist, and ENOUGH WITH THE SUCK MUNKEYS and leaving half-eaten pizzas all over the house!"
"But I like Suck Munkey!" Gir squealed.
"It's time for a change, Gir... You're getting way too comfortable here!"
"I like pillows" Gir said in all seriousness.
"It's time to use my superior intellect to finally give us the upgrade we need to help conquer these… HUMAN STINKMEATS… on their big ball of Earth goo!" Zim announced. He switched on every computer in the room. Beeping and buzzing filled the lab and slowly rose in volume. He sat down and opened a design program on his main computer. He began drawing out a suit of armor, until suddenly an incoming video notification icon popped up. It was the Tallest. He watched the little vibrating icon for several moments before he fully processed it. "The Tallest are calling… ME!?" Overwhelmed with joy, he answered as their image popped up, sitting awkwardly upright and nervous.
"Hello… Zim." Red greeted him stiffly.
"My Tallest, what an unexpected pleasure this is!" Zim said, not quite sure what else to say. "I – I don't have anything to report since last time, though I, uh…"
"No, no worries, little one!" assured Purple "It isn't required of you at this time." He said with a strange hand gesture.
"Oh, good" Zim said with an exhale. He waited for them to speak, but decided to break the silence. "What do I owe the honor, then?"
Red and Purple looked at each other questionably. "Um… We just want to know… how you're doing." Purple said, unsure about where exactly the conversation was going.
"How I'm doing?" Zim asked, confused.
"Yes!" Red shouted. "How was your day?" he asked calmly.
They have never spoken to him in this way. Never having expressed even a slight bit of interest in his personal wellbeing. "Alright, I guess." He looked over at Gir, who was drawing little hippos on the glass with a lime green permanent marker.
"Good, good. Uhhhhh… listen, we have some pressing, super top secret business with an Irken ambassador located on Earth disguised as a Manager at Krusty Kreme Donuts" Red began, sounding rehearsed. Purple lightly nodding at him in agreement, and motioned him to continue. "So, yeah… we're gonna need the coordinates. We don't have access to your… Earthy… info… thingies."
"I LIKE DONUTS" Gir screamed as loud as he could from his cage behind Zim. He started drawing little donuts all over the hippos faces. "Hippo likes donuts!"
"Krusty Kreme Donuts? You mean inside that old dumpy building downtown?" Zim questioned, ignoring Gir. "With the dead hobo lying by the front door and his dogs slowly eating him and no one's done anything about it?"
"Probably…" Red confirmed "Probably that one."
"Yeah, I can send you Earth's coordinates, as well as Krusty Kreme's. That's totally something I can do for you, My Tallest. It'd be an honor"
"Great!" Purple shouted. "It's totally something he can do! An honor, even! Ya see that?"
"That is… that's great, Zim." Red said with a fake smile.
"In the meantime, though, I have BRAND new plans for Earth's final conquest. It WILL NOT fail this time! See I'm developing advanced technolo– "
"Uh-huh, well this pressing business of ours is WAYYY more pressing than we initially stated," Purple said "So uh, good luck and all that, and other things. Warm wishes"
"Wait! Wait! While you're on Earth, you should check out my conquest. It'll take you at least a week to get here in The Massive. My conquest should be ready to go by then."
"Uh-huh."
"It's gonna be neat." Zim assured.
"Sounds good." Red grumbled.
"…and the Irken Armada?" Zim asked, hopeful.
"Sure, whatever." Red shouted, reaching around Purple for the controls. "We're leaving now, bye!"
The connection was cut and Zim couldn't believe what he just heard. The Armada. The Irken Empire's soul means of planetary conquest. The final attack. The fatal sweep of all life. Especially…DIB. They're coming to aid in his mission to conquer Earth! The mission is finally beginning to progress. "Gir! Put that marker down! You need to be plugged in, and you need to FOCUS. You and I have a long week ahead of us! THE ARMADA IS COMING!"
Aboard The Massive, the connection had just been cut. Purple looked over at Red in deep thought. "Wait, so did we just agree to meet up with Zim?"
Red looked at him questionably. "What? No… we got donut coordinates."
"But didn't we -"
"Nope" Red said, licking the inside of the donut box.
"And didn't he -"
"Nuh-uh" he was now checking the bottom of the box for crumbs.
Purple came to his senses once more. "You're right, silly me." He sat down in his hover chair and leaned back in relaxation. The Navigators received Zim's coordinates and they were finally on their way to Earth. "Ha! Zim..."
Red laughed in agreement, throwing away the donut box and sat down next to Purple. "Yeah… Zim."
To Be Continued…