Hylians, Hogwarts, and Hamunaptra
"What the heck are we doing?" said Link.
"Patience, my good Hylian," said Harry. They were sitting around in the desert waiting for the sign.
Harry is such a nerd
Link thought. I bet he irons his underwear. While Link was trying to figure out why they were looking at the sky, Zelda was making chitchat with Hermione."What exactly is it that you do do?" Zelda asked with a stupid little princessy smile on her rosy cheeks.
"I write books." Said Hermione, unfazed by her cockiness. Ever read one? Hermione wanted to ask.
"Oh…how…nice," Zelda said with a perky little smile. She would have gone on to say more, but then a she heard a clap of thunder.
"Eeeeeeeeeeee!!!" Zelda screeched and dove behind Link.
"WHAT is WRONG with you??" Ron yelled. He couldn't take it anymore. He'd had to listen to this stupid girl for the past 3 days across the desert. Zelda regained her composure and calmly walked up to Ron. She looked him squarely in the face. The little *beep* punched him in the nose. That was all Ron and Hermione needed. They dove onto Zelda and tried to beat the pulp out of her.
"…and Ron lands a left hook on Zelda, ooh that hurts, Zelda kicks Hermione in the shin,"
"Jordan?" Harry asked.
"Hey Harry. I saw you guys last week in Cairo and I decided to tag along."
Great, another loser,
Link thought. So Harry and Link pulled the other three off of each other while Jordan commentated the fight. Harry then turned his attention to the horizon."Get ready for it," Harry said, squinting at the skyline.
"Ready? What are you talking about?" Said Hermione angrily as she rubbed the bruise on her shin.
"We're about to be shown the way." Harry said. At that moment, lightning struck the ground on the horizon. For a moment an ancient city was revealed, shimmering in the glow of the lightning. In an instant, the group sped off on their camels (and Link on Epona). Behind them, two green eyes blinked in the shadows as it watched them. In the next moment, they were gone.
Within five minutes, the party had arrived at the city.
"Remember our bet Potter. I won. You owe me 500 rupees." Link said, smiling for the first time in 3 days.
"What?! Rupees? I have 500 galleons." Harry said.
"…and here we go again! Link pulls out his sword, and Harry pulls out his wand. Link stabs at Harry… misses… ooh, that's gonna hurt tomorrow…" Jordan began commentating the fight.
Hermione separated the two and said "Oh for goodness sakes, if we're going to be nice children, we must learn to…"
"Oh, stuff a sock in it girl," Link snarled.
"…and Hermione charges at Link, throwing him to the ground, ouch…"
Half an hour later, after everyone was good and bruised (except for Zelda, who hid under a camel), they all decided to camp in two different areas. Link and Zelda camped on one side of the city, and Harry, Ron, Jordan and Hermione pulled out a keg of beer and partied all night long.
After they'd all fallen asleep, a scarab scrambled from its hiding place and into the coffin of a certain mummy.
The next morning, the tired group met in the center of the city. Four of them were clutching their foreheads in pain from hangover.
Hermione had several color-coded maps drawn up. She also had a timeline of important dates in the city's history, a printout of important events concerning Hamanaptra, and a scale model.
"I think we should dig here," she said pointing to a red area on the map.
She pulled out her notes and began to explain why when Link said
"Nah, we should dig here." He closed his eyes and pointed at a spot on the model. His finger jammed into a tiny statue of Anubis, breaking its ear off. Zelda, who had just taken interest in the discussion, burped and said
"Yes, Linky's right. We should dig there."
Hermione couldn't believe her ears.
"How stupid are you?? We can't dig there!! It's all wrong! Look at the map! The charts! And besides, you broke my model elf boy."
Link turned from his normal pale color to red. He took a step toward Hermione and said,
"Don't…call…me…elf boy!"
Jordan seemed to be enjoying this and was getting ready to commentate on another fight when Harry stepped in.
"Live today and fight tomorrow, Hermione. There are other places to dig."
Link stormed off with Zelda following as soon as she realized he had left.
"…when the pharaohs used Hamanaptra as a burial site in the late part of the 12th dynasty…" Hermione had been discussing possible dig sites for the past hour. Jordan's eyes had begun to droop as he started drooling. Harry was counting the grains of sand next to him. Ron was staring at something in the distance, but Harry was too tired to care about what it was.
Fortunately, Link had come prepared with tools. He had his hammer, his swords, and a bottle of Lenlevits, 12 years old. Unfortunately, he was tired as heck. Zelda was pretty much useless; she just sat around with this strange glazed look in her eyes, so Link was on his own to find this treasure. His treasure, he thought to himself. He hadn't asked for this group of English bookworms to come with him, but the Egyptian government had required that he be a part of a larger team when crossing the desert. But no matter, I'll find that gold first.
Hermione was still talking when Jordan actually fell over asleep. She didn't even notice and just kept on. "…but those two would rather dig under the wrong statue, and that's just fiiine with me, they can risk their lives…"
This sentence caught Ron's interest. Judging by Hermione's long speech, they'd probably just find some stupid artifact. He was looking for gold and adventure. He'd been watching Link and his twit of a girlfriend through most of Hermione's lecture. They seemed to be looking for the same things he was. Without thinking very clearly, he got up to follow them. He suddenly remembered Hermione, Lee Jordan and Harry. He turned around to find them all staring at him.
"Um, gotta…use the little boy's room," Ron said nervously. It was a lame excuse, but they seemed to buy it. Jordan fell back asleep, Hermione started talking some more, and Harry went back to looking at the ground intently.
"Link I'm hot."
"I know that. So am I."
"Link I want some water. I'm thirsty." Link gritted his teeth and answered,
"So am I."
"Link, I…"
"Look! If you want to dig a stupid hole in the middle of the freaking desert, go ahead! I'll just sit there and complain 'Link' this and 'Link' that. Do you want to trade, or do you want to shut up?"
"You would keep all the water for yourself, wouldn't you? You won't share it with me, even though I am beautiful and I am a princess."
"Shut Up!" said an unfamiliar voice.
"Okay," Zelda squeaked.
Out of the shadows stepped… Brak!
"It's an alien! Eeeeeeeeeee!" Zelda screeched and dove behind Link.
"Aaaaaaaaaah!" Brak dove behind Zelda.
"Link! Kill it!" Zelda yelled.
"Kill it Li… hey! I'm not an alien! I'm a…um…a monkey!"
Link bent down and stared at the creature.
"You wouldn't hurt a monkey, would you?" Brak asked.
"Maybe. But you don't look like a monkey. I think I'll kill you."
"Noooooooo! I'm a monkey! Don't hurt me!"
Suddenly Link had an idea.
~10 minutes later~
"Can I stop digging now?" Brak whined.
"No." Link said, reclining in the shade.
"Oh. Then how 'bout now?" Brak whined again.
"No! Just dig!" Link was starting to lose patience with this monkey-thing
"Okay."
Ron crept between pillars and ancient statues of the city. He couldn't hear Hermione behind him anymore. Instead, he heard a new sound; the clink of a hammer hitting stone and
"I love beans! Hey hey hey! I love beans everyday! Beans are an excellent source of prote-"
Then he heard Zelda scream "Stop!!" as she punched the thing in the face.
"Leave that monkey alone!" a voice suddenly said. Two figures stepped forward. Each was dressed in a black suit and wore a pair of sunglasses.
"We are the MiB- the Monkey-protectors in Black. We protect the monkeys of the universe." With that they put Brak on a stretcher, fed him some beans, and drove off in their Ford POS.
After some complaining, Link picked up the hammer and started hacking his way through the stone below him. Ron could hear him complaining loudly between the blows of the hammer against the rock.
"I HATE," *clink* "THIS," *clink* "JOB!" ~Craaack!~ The stone below him had finally given away. Link fell with it, and, soon after, Zelda tumbled down too because one of her earrings had fallen into the hole.
"…and that's why we should dig here." Hermione announced triumphantly as she pointed to a spot on her model. It was a full minute and a half before Harry and Jordan discovered that Hermione had stopped talking. Harry stretched and yawned noisily as he said,
"Great, Hermione, let's dig." A moment later, a soft rumbling was heard. Jordan suddenly looked alert for the first time in hours. A sandstorm was approaching from the north. Hermione's look of triumph turned to one of fear.
"We'll have to go back to camp immediately. We can't stay out here in this." Hermione said. Sandstorms, especially a fast approaching one like this, were dangerous if you were caught in them. They would be safe at their camp. There was just one question on her mind- Where is Ron?
Ron walked quietly to the place where Link and Zelda had disappeared a few moments ago. That noisy monkey creature had left also, and suddenly he was alone. He gazed down into the dark hole. A low rumbling startled him. He looked up to see a sandstorm approaching. That was the last thing he saw before he slipped and fell into the hole.
Well, there you have it folks, part one. I'm not sure if I will continue this, but let me know if you want more. Brak is a character from Space Ghost for those of you deprived people who do not know who he is. J