Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.
I am destined to be alone.
Jeez, that's depressing. I can't believe I've written it down. I
just stare at the sentence, its message blurring across the white
page. I almost laugh at its simplicity.
It took me three months to actually form the nagging thought in
my head into words. I won't say them aloud. No, can't do that. I
document everything, talking to my camera is so easy - yet, these
words are not ready to be uttered out loud.
Hope. I live day to day on it. It stays in the corner of my mind,
never jumping on top of any thought, but still making its
presence known. Hope that someday it will get better.
Just hope.
I stare down once again at those six words and slam the black and
white notebook shut, as if the surrounding pages can erase what
I've finally written.
I know it's still there.
I shove the book and it falls off the table and onto the floor
with a soft thud. With it a few feet further from me, I'm
somewhat relieved.
The past couple of months have moved so fast that I could hardly
blink as they happened. As usual, I'm simply the observer while
my friends construct a life around themselves. I get it on film,
but in the end, I find myself feeling like I'm watching it alone.
After Mimi's close call, Roger spent more and more time at her
place, and more and more of his things ended up down there. Last
week, he officially moved in with Mimi. They're pretty happy and
fighting less frequently. Still, once a week he or Mimi runs up
here to vent. It should make me feel needed, I guess.
Instead, every time the door slams and one or the other heads
back to reconcile, it reminds me once again about how I'm alone.
Collins got a teaching position in New Mexico of all places. We
all threw him a going away party and he said that as soon as he
saved enough money from teaching, he was going to open that
restaurant he always talked about. Invite us all down and it
would be great.
Would be. Future tense. It's the present I'm worrying about.
Last month, Maureen and Joanne got into another fight. A huge
fight, one that I thought would be the end of their relationship.
Joanne threw Maureen out and I found Maureen at my doorstep at 4:30
in the morning, giving me that look that could still make me cave
in. I sat through an hour and half rant about how "Joanne is
overreacting" and how she "wasn't even flirting with
her."
I just watched Maureen in fascination. She had always been
incredible to watch. Even when she was angry, she put such
passion into her anger that during half (okay maybe more than
half) of our fights I usually ended up apologizing. I knew it
wasn't my fault, but after a discussion with Maureen I felt like
it had to be.
She was an actress all right. Definitely an actress.
Maureen stayed for two nights. I woke up to a note left on the
kitchen table saying (in a way Maureen could only say it) that
she had wandered back to Joanne's late last night and they had
made up and were currently driving to Vermont.
Yep, Joanne and Maureen ended up tying the knot. It seemed the
only way to keep Maureen on a "leash," I guess. Further
proved that Maureen and Joanne were meant to be. I was happy for
them, if not really surprised, especially about Maureen making
such a commitment. But I guess that's how spur of the moment
things work. I was surprised I wasn't jealous; I finally figured
that I was truly over Maureen.
That brings me back to my current position.
Sitting on top of the kitchen table.
Alone.
This isn't new. I've been living like this for at least two
months. Go out, come back, each time to a bunch of empty rooms.
I've been getting jobs here and there, and sorta paying rent. I
haven't heard a word from Benny, but I think he'd laid off
because of our friendship in college. Plus, Alison didn't let him
out much. Too busy changing diapers.
The notebook sits on the floor, mocking me. Mocking the fact that
I've written out the words that scare me more than anything else
in the world.
Words that crush hope like a bug.
I'm naïve. I know it. But I'm not naïve enough to not see
things as they happen; I just seemingly overlook them, tell
myself that they aren't happening. Maureen wasn't cheating on me.
Roger wasn't using. Things like that.
Of course, that's all past. Maureen's happy. Roger's happy. Even
after losing the love of his life, Collins has picked up the
pieces and moved on.
I'm not happy.
The thought hits me full force, like I've never had it before. I
scoop up the notebook and open it to that page.
Destined to be alone? Or destined to be unhappy?
Maybe both.
I'm not ready to say either out loud. My camera sits in the
corner, and I glance at it and shake my head.
Nope, not ready. Still living on that string of hope. I'm only
twenty-five. Things could change.
Could.
Can a person change their destiny? It's a question I've asked
before. Once to my sister, documented it on film, but still, I
never really thought about the answer. If there was an answer.
Sit around and wait for fate to take its course - was that
destiny?
A cross to the window, and I'm peering out, looking down at the
street below. The homeless mill on the street, couples walk by,
life moves at its own pace, full of moments that echo the one
I've just had, and moments that push on past the thought.
I grab my coat, my camera. Time to go out again. Exploring.
Taping. Make a new reel that Maureen, Joanne, Roger, and Mimi
will have to see.
On the way out the door, I stop and turn back to the table. I
open to the page and cross out the sentence until it's just a
mess of blue ink.
I'm not ready to even write it down.