Chapter 1: New start.
It was a cold dark morning at 4 Privet Drive, or as it was known in that neighbourhood the house of the Dursley's. Vernon Dursley was a short larger gentleman who worked as a salesman. He was pleased with his life and his family, Petunia, his wife and Dudley his baby son. The morning was the same as any other, quiet . Just the way Vernon liked it.
He was heating up his morning coffee while Petunia struggled to feed Dudley as he spit his food everywhere. "Little rascle" smiles at Vernon as he rubs his short fat fingers against Dudley's head. He kisses his wife goodbye and picks up his jacket and heads for the door.
As he reaches the door he hears a cry. "is that a baby? " Vernon glances at Petunia only to receive a useless shrug of disinterest. He cracks the door and stairs down at the front door. "fuck sake cunt" he exclaims. He reaches down to retrieve a note from the basket perched on his front step. He muttered the words aloud. "lily died because she was being a dumb cunt take harry and look after the faggot"
Vernon looks up from the Paper note and tries to wrap his mind around what he just read. He looks back in on his oblivious wife smiling at his beautiful baby boy and then glances back to Harry. "don't fuck this up" he takes Harry inside and puts him on the kitchen table rushing not to be late. He rushes to the car. A shitty white Honda that is five services behind and no turbo. He puts the key in the door and looks up at a cat on his dark red cracked brick wall. He stares at the cat as it stares back at him with its dark yellow eyes.
The cat opens its mouth "what do you want faggot. Fuck you cunt, jog on ya twat" Vernon rubs his eyes in disbelief. He shouldn't have popped that second molly this morning. He tries to shut it out and gets in the car. As he pulls out and drives down the street all he can see is the cat flipping him off in the rear view mirror.
Vernon returns from work late. Procrastinating returning to the cunt of a baby that's on his living room table. Hopefully petunia forgot to feed the cunt so he didn't have to deal with it. He turns down his Street and there it is the same cat. Sitting on the same wall. Pulling the same finger. He must still be pinging he tries to shake it off and pulls into his driveway.
He opens the door and walks up the frosty driveway not looking back incase the cat turns into michael Jackson and rapes his sperm. He gets a slight jog on. The driveway feels like a good kilometre long. He starts sweating and panting. He lunges for the door and slams it behind him. He catches his breath while leaning up against the door and peaks back out to check it's still there. It is.
"honey I'm home! " Vernon exclaimed and he entered the house as cool as a cucumber "honey?". Petunia pulls her head around the corner from upstairs"Vernon honey is that you? Dinner is in the sink". Vernon walks towards the sink and glances down. Lucky for him it's full of spaghetti. Win.
Chapter ll: buy a better door
Twelve years later. Same house. Same street. Same cat. Same finger. Harry is in his room under the stairs. He is playing with his knight playset. "but sir Lancelot I bet you can take my dick you pussy" Harry laughs playfully while smashing his two jousters together. All of a sudden Vernon calls for Harry "oi dead mum cunt". Harry puts his sir Lancelot down and walks out of his room reluctantly.
"yes sir?" Harry mutters. "make me a toasted sandwich!" Vernon demands while he has the remainder of the last sitting on his very dirty sex shirt. "yes sir" Harry replies as he walks briskly to the kitchen. While crafting the sandwich and dropping it in the press he sees a leter in the bin with a wax seal. How odd Harry has never seen a wax sealed envelope before it must be good. He pulls it out of the trash and runs his hand over the seal. "hogwarts?" Harry says to himself. He turns the envelops over and sees it's addressed to him. "what is this? Is it a bacon disease treatment plant? Do they need my little fingers?"
"oi where the bloody fuck is my sandwich you useless homo! " Vernon screams. Harry quickly collects the slightly burnt sandwich and throws it on a plate he walks towards the door of the kitchen but pauses. He turns back and grabs the letter and walks back to confront vernon.
Vernon hears Harry enter the room and turns his head to look at him probably the most exercise he engaged in all week. "took your time that what took you..." vernon stops as he makes eye contact with the letter. "going through the bin are we Harry?" vernon stands up and turns to Harry fronting up with him. "things in the trash are useless. They deserve no attention or love like you. You are a useless shit stain on the face of my life and I wish you died along with your mother" he snatches the letter from the plate and then throws it into the fire.
Harry places the sandwich on the couch side and backs out of the room slowly with tear filled eyes. Vernon proceeds to sit down and return the watching the fire while eating his sandwich.
All of a sudden There is a bang on the door. Rattling the whole front room. Harry watches from the slats In his door. Vernon walks to the door to greet this very dude stranger. He pulls the handle opening the door still held closed by the security chain. "who the fuck are you?!" vernon asks "surprise motherfucker" says the dark tall bearded man behind the door he kicks the door as it snaps of the hinges and lands on top of vernon as he crashes to the floor unconsious. The strange man jumps on top of the door and continues to punch Vernon's face. Blood and brain stain the mustard yellow carpet. Harry gasps and hides in the corner of his room. The man looks up from Vernon's corps.
He runs to the room. And opens the door. "get away! Please don't kill me. I'm too young" Harry pleads. "kill you, now why would I do that?" says the deep friendly voice. "I'm hagrid and you must be Harry Potter." Harry looks up from his soiled pants "h-h-how do you know my name?" "how do I know your name? Everyone knows Harry Potter the wizard that stopped you know who" hagrid puts his hand out to help Harry up. "wizard? But I'm just Harry!" "no cunt we have done this before let's go".
Petunia screams and falls down next to her dead husband. She try's to stop the blood as it gushed from his open skull. Hagrid hold Harry in his arms and walks over the body. Petunia looks up speechless, pail as a ghost looking for an answer. Hagrid looks her in the eyes and says "get a better door cunt" then proceeds to leave the house and fly away. Harry looks at hagrid. "you can't fly?" hagrid smirks "can now cunt" hagrid donkey punches Harry to shut him up.
Chapter lll: wake up call.
Harry awakens to Hagreds giant rape hands violently rubbing his lips "hagred you faggoty beard fucker get your giant sausage fingers away from me" hagred reals back with a smirk on his face like a necrophiliac caught fiddling a dead persons limp purple dead penis. Harry scourers his surroundings, he's in a place he has never seen before. He's tries to shake off the donky punch he received earlier.
"Here we are harry!" announces hagred "platform 7 9/45" harry's head was trying to grasp hagred's retardation as the only thing harry could see was a wall. "uh hagred... It's just a wall" hagred shakes his head "turn around you chode smoker" harry turns around to see not only a train but indeed the infamous platform 7 9/45. "all aboard ya shity fuck faced children" yells the controller hanging out the side of the train swinging his good shiny whistle around his pail white fingers. Harry stands at the door of the train amazed that he has lived here his whole life but not once have he seen or heard of this platform.
"alright harry get your fucked up scar face on that train" chuckles hagred as he pushes him through the door. Harry adjusts his glasses hanging on the end of his nose. He looks left and right down the corridors of the train. His wanders down the carriage until he finds an empty booth. Finally harry had a nice quite place to write down his fat rhymes without any ridicule from his ungrateful uncle fuck. "I'm gonna be the next Tupac" chuckles harry as he closes the booth doors behind him.
Chapter lV: new friends
An hour passes of pure golden flow. Harry recites his rhyme to himself. "my mum's dead, I'm as deadly as lead, when your done with me your ass hole is gonna need a bed". "holy shit pure gold" harry says to himself in pure happiness with himself. As he finishes the line there is a knock on the booth he looks up to see a short fat ginger ninja, most likely an accident, staring through the window. As he sees harry make eye contact with him the boy opens the door.
"sup you sod sucking twatt my name is Ronald McD" my friend call me Ron" Ron double takes "well suck my scrotum and call me Ronda' you're harry Potter" harry looks at Ron and realises that he is in fact famous but not in his town. Maybe it skipped his town, nobody new his name. Not even Vernon or Pertunia. He smiles at Ron hoping to make a friend. "wanna sit with me?" offers harry.
"yeah might aswell rest of this train is full of chodes" Ron goes to sit across from harry. "you have no idea bro there is a bitch on this train with the finest twelvie ass I have seen" Ron boasts. "there she is now!" Ron points to the booth door as a short brunette girl she hears the commotion in the booth and turns to look in and see Ron pointing and drooling at her while harry is just glancing at his feet.
She is instantly triggered by this and slides the door open in a great huff. "what the fuck are you looking at you dirty Fanta faced fuck. Women deserve equal rights..." before she could finish Ron stands up and replied "sit down mate". Like most feminists she couldn't resist following orders from a superior sex and she had a lot to do but she thought she could take some time away from her daily plans of being triggered and fisting herself. "my name is hermione by the way" she says.
She seated herself on the same bench as Ron across from harry. They talk the whole way non stop to there destination getting to know each other. Before they know it, it the train was slowing to there destination as the trains breaks squeeled on the track. Harry wasn't sure exactly what Hogwarts was. Maybe is was a cock rash and there was a party in a forest where everyone would give it to each other. "what is Hogwarts?" he asks the two across from him.
Hermione answers like she is top shit. "you don't know you haven't heard *authors note* NOT THAT THE BIRD IS THE WORD.* Hogwarts is a school for witchcraft and wizardy you're a wizard harry" "yeah me and hagred already did this" harry replies. The trian comes to a stop and the station. Harry stands up to walk of the train excited for this new experience "meet you outside you psycho fucks" harry shouts while running out of the train.
They walk down to the side of a lake where they approach a questionable flamboyant boat man "hey y'all my name is Jeff the friend ship driver" harry and Ron both look at each other holding back the laughter "wooot woot all aboard it's a little tight". After a considerable amount of time all the kids load themselves into this extremely unsafe "friendship" it was riddled with cracks and holes. Harry glances down at the safety standard placard the boat was rated for 10 passengers and he had managed to squeeze all 40 first years in. Harry leans over to Ron and whispers "leave it to a gay man to jam to much into a small space" they both chuckle. Neville sat close behind them the token downer of the school that would grow up to look sexier than megan fox. Neville hears harry and Ron laughing but he is so downee he struggles to understand life and starts screaming like a banshee and punching hermione in the back of the head. Hermione is over triggered for the day so proceeds to deal with it.
Chapter V: first day
In the distance they see the castle of hogwarts which they honestly should have seen earlier because it's not that big of a lake. John Hammond from jurassic Park appears out of nowhere and points to the castle "welcome to hogwarts Island". They arrive on the shore as everyone collapses from the boat only just making it. The rest of the students pushing and shoving to make it first in line but because harry is the main character here we should put him first with hermione and Ron. They were lead straight to the main dinning hall the students returning would take there seats the new students would line up where they will be put into there new houses. The very houses that won't change shit through the whole story.
The main dinning hall is massive, table and chairs stretched for the length of the room the roof could be changed by dumbledick depending on the occasion and or holiday. At this moment the roof appeared natural showing it's architecture and beauty to all that look upwards when they enter rooms. Ron was called first out of the three to receive his house dumbledick placed the hat on Ron as it began to talk and decide. "too ginger to be bad'and too main character to be in any other house" the hat pauses "GRIFFENDOOR!" the hat exclaimed as the hat was removed from his head and he ran back to sit with his fellow house. Hermione was next and she too was chosen for Griffendoor and she too went to sit at the house table next to Ron.
Next it was Harry's turn for a kid that was brought up living under a fucking staircase without his parents being neglected by his uncle and aunty he sure had a lot to say about which house he wanted to be in "anything but slitheren" he repeated again and again "anything but slitheren" that had heard harry chatting away to himself. "oi cunt, fuck up let me do my job you motherless cunt" the hat snarled. Harry was so fucking confused now how did everyone know he was a motherless cunt. Harry was chosen for griffindoor. He went to join his friends at the table. Everyone else's houses where read out and when everyone was seated and relaxed. Food comes out of fucking nowhere. *authors note* my wonderful girlfriend says there is just a fuck tone of house elves that are magic and shit*
Harry was stuffing his face like Starvin Marvin, probably one of the most filling meals harry has engaged in for as long as he could remember. Harry takes one last bite from his full plate in front of him leaning back and loosening his robes to allow for expansion. Before harry could get over the feeling of impending mud monkey doom. The house leaders had an announcement to make "all first year griffindoor follow me" harry, Ron, and hermione stood up with the rest of the first years and followed.
The house leader leads the first year through the fucking maze that is hogwarts eventually they arrive at the dorm doors they are lead into the common room. The house leader points in two different direction he highlights the left by shaking his hand "girls to the left" and then shakes his right hand "boys to the right, now everyone off to bed light out in 10" harry and Ron walk towards the boys dorms and hermione walks towards the girls dorms. Ron turns swiftly to smack hermione tight ass before running past harry. Hermione blushes and rushes up the stairs the her bed. Harry approaches the top of the stairs and sees Ron already set up pointing to Harry's bed located next to him. Neville is located across the room. Even with the lights turned out you could make out his downee pin eyes from across the room heavily breathing through his teeth. Harry terrified leans over to Ron "Ron, Ron are you awake?" Ron rolls over wide eyed like a cracked up prostitute "yeah buddy what's up" harry glances over to Neville gesturing for Ron to look over "he's a fucking mouth breather a fucking mouth breather and he is staring right at me" Ron chuckles and glances over. Neville stare slowly relocates to Ron's direction with no eye movement just a slow pivot of the head. Ron begins to do that Ron face when he is scared and pulls the cover over his face.
Chapter VI: class time.
Harry wakes up to the sound of birds tweeting outside the window. He stretches and opens his eyes to find Neville the mouth breather drooling into his mouth. He thought that dream of Daniel Radcliffe's delicious anus was too good to be true. He kicks the downee off him. Neville slides across the floor and bonks right up against his drool cover trunk.
Harry leaps to vacate the room and for the sake of laziness lyping he was already dressed bathed and ready for the day. He meets Ron in the common room being laughed at by the senior students "and that's why fingering your ass with wet celery is never a good idea" harry snatches Ron by the collar and leads him out of the common room towards class "what the fuck are you doing Ron" asks harry "making friends with seniors they said they would teach me how to pick up hermione" Ron innocently replies. Harry corrects Ron "they're not your friends they are making fun of you can't you see that" Ron anger brews "I can see you're just jelly and a four eyed fuck. Can't even finger that scar in your head you're useless" hardy shrugs off the comments because he knows it's just all the stollen souls trying to escape from rons ginger pubed anus.
Chapter VII: First class
Harry and Ron barge through the door into there first class engaging in a bout of tomfoolery. They look back as they stumble through the door to a class fully seated and ready to learn. Especially hermione studying pages 394 like a boss of potions. A tall pale ugly fuck turns around with a long dark robe for covering his 12 inch penis of magical power. "hello gentlemen my name is professor gape, so nice of you to join us would you mind taking a seat and turning to pages two hundred and fucking ninety four" harry and Rod walk towards the empty desk at the back while the class sniggers in amusement. "now class the first potion we will learn will be the the potion of motion". "this potion will give anyone who comes in contact with it a serious case of the squirts". The class giggles at the word contact. That's only what adults do. Harry and Ron Mix there ingredients slowly trying so hard not to trigger hermione until Ron's lip starts go shake.
He can't hold off this insult he has a cracker she's asking for it. Ron talks himself into it and leans towards hermione. "hey, hey hermione I got a joke for you" hermione is quietly humming away exceeding in the class as expected but Ron's question disturbs her focus "what is it Ronald" hermione says with a deep undertone. "youre such a filthy Hoe they should call you whore whinney" Ron's face drops as soon as his perfect joke is delivered she has been triggered "oh Ron you've fucking done it now!" harry yells while diving towards the ground. Hermione stands abruptly in front of Ron and pulls her wand out. Professor gape turns towards the commotion "hermione put that wand down..." gape is cut short by hermione "AVADA KABARBRA!" hermione goes full skits and launches that killing spell towards Ron. Ron dives out of the way as it travels towards Neville. Luckily for Neville have a 5 head of merit all shiny from sweat and grease the spell bounces off him and fly towards gape. He is hit in the chest and flies out the wall of the castle. The class runs to the fresh hole broken in the brick wall.
The token black guy with no apparent name steps forward for his one line "he dead" he then fades into the darkness never to be mentioned again. "dude gape not meant to die till book seven" harry crys puzzlingly. Ron looks at him and shrugs.