Friends. That is what they think they are to me. These people who have stood beside me in every fight I've been in. The ones who have pored endlessly through books and papers and websites, all for me. The ones who loved me so much that they thought it necessary to raise me from the dead. Seven years we have been fighting the good fight and not once did I question there loyalty or their love.
Tonight I am.
As each one of them spouts the words of betrayal and anger, I feel the knife twist a little deeper. I wonder how they can disregard the past seven years so easily. Staring at Willow, I think I feel the most betrayed by her. She has been my best friend since my first day at Sunnydale High. If I want to be totally honest, I can safely say I saved her from herself. She had no friends until I came along, unless you count Xander. But Xander always looked right through her, ready to disregard her the moment a prettier girl walked by or something more interesting happened to come up. He was never really there for her. No one was. Not even her parents. Then I came along, and maybe I'm being a little selfish when I think this, but I gave her life meaning. My being the Slayer gave Willow something to live for. Without me she would never be half the woman she is now.
I turn my eyes to Xander, who is speaking in that dull way of his. The patch that covers his eye breaks my heart a little, but then my brain focuses on him betraying me as well and my empathy fades. Xander would be nothing without me, too. He knows it and is probably the only one who would ever admit it out loud. Hanging out with me, fighting the evil gives his life purpose. I rescued him from his meaningless existence, from parents who never acknowledged his presence, from the loser- slacker life he was destined for. I should even give myself some credit for bringing him and Anya together. Xander would be nothing without me as well.
Now my eyes swing to Dawn. She is staring at me in that sullen way of hers, arms folded across her chest, pouting. She is telling me that this is her house too. That she loves me. That I need to leave. Hello? What's wrong with this picture? Dawn is telling me that this is her house too? This was my house way before she even came to be. She seems to forget that she only came into existence three years ago and that before that, mom and I were the only ones who lived here. So technically this isn't her house. It was never her house. This is the kind of treatment you get when you sacrifice your life for the one thing that mattered more? Thanks, sis. Glad to see your so thankful for the air you get to breathe because of me.
Now Giles is spouting his so-called wisdom. He used to be my Watcher, the only thing that seemed to make his life worth living. When he lost that job he pondered the usefulness of his existence and contemplated leaving. I gave him something to stay around for. I gave him a reason to continue being my Watcher. I even let him pretend that we had a bond...like a father/daughter thing. I trusted him, risked my life for him, took advice from him for so many years and this is how I am treated for that? Giles thinks he knows it all about life and this evil we fight. He doesn't know anything. At least not really. He hasn't died...twice. He hasn't been to heaven, hell and back again. He can keep his information and his so-called wisdom. Save it for someone who cares.
I'll let them think they have beaten me. I'll let Faith assume she has won the battle over who gets to lead. The thought of shoving my fist through her skull is appealing. I remember how easily the knife slid into her gut when I almost killed her way back when and I wonder if I could do that again. But would it be worth it? Probably not. So I'll leave. I'll go away like they've asked...and I'll wait. I'll wait for Faith to fail. I'll wait for all of them to come crawling back on their hands and knees when the First has kicked their sorry asses and then I'll show them what a real leader is. I'll give them meaning to their lives again. For now though, I will walk away. See how they do without me.