Destro seated himself at his desk; he patiently tapped his fingertips together as he awaited the arrival of Cobra Commander. Cobra Commander had informed him ahead of time of a special task he needed his help with, but he hadn't said anything else, leading Destro to wonder what the task may be.
A rap at the door averted Destro's attention. "Come in."
"The Commander is here." The Baroness announced as she opened the door.
"Darling, wait." Destro called to the lovely Russian woman.
"What is it, Destro?" she asked in a purr.
"What is this special task that the Commander wishes for me to do?"
"I don't really know, he hadn't mentioned a thing." she answered honestly, also curious. "But it must be of the utmost importance, he's carrying a briefcase and several boxes of papers."
"Thank you." Destro murmured, wondering if his new invention had something to do with the Commander's sudden interest in him.
Stepping aside, the Baroness allowed Cobra Commander to pass, giving him a half curtsey as she closed the door behind him.
Rising quickly to his feet and saluting his leader, Destro also couldn't help but notice the mountains of papers the Commander strewed along the top of his desk. He looked up, and though the Commander was wearing a hood, he could easily read the worry in his blue eyes.
"Good morning, my dear Commander." he greeted, bading him to sit down in the chair opposite his desk. "What can I do for you?"
"Thank you for meeting me here instead of my office." Cobra Commander said. "I didn't want the twins involved in this, as usually this a matter I take up with them."
Destro was taken aback, not only did Cobra Commander say thank you, but he had business that he didn't want Tomax and Xamot to be a part of? It must be serious.
"What is it, then?" he asked.
"I didn't really want to ask, but the Baroness mentioned over a cup of coffee that you had done this kind of thing before for her and that she recommended you."
Destro regarded his words, proud that his beloved would give him such praise in front of their leader. "I do what I can." He tried not to sound boastful. "What is it?"
"You will say, yes, won't you?" Cobra Commander asked, gripping the arms of his chair in apprehension.
"Probably."
"Say, yes." Cobra Commander pressed.
"What is it, first?" Destro asked, uneasiness creeping in.
"Say, yes to me first and then I will tell you."
"Does it have to do with my newest invention?"
"Say yes and then I'll tell you."
Destro crossed his arms over his chest. "I don't have time for games, Commander."
"Then say, yes and quit arguing!" Cobra Commander said firmly, his blue eyes starting to flash with anger. "Do you think I have time for your stupid games or something?"
"But I don't know what it is?" he tried to explain as he watched the Commander jump to his feet and pace the room, throwing his hands up in the air.
"Perhaps I was wrong, maybe this is too important a job for you to handle." He reconsidered aloud.
"Commander, listen to reason."
"I can force you to say yes, you know!" he threatened, pointing a finger at the silver masked man impatiently. "I can force anyone to say yes to me!"
Destro hardly thought the Commander would be able to force him, a noble man to do anything, but for the sake of arguing, he nodded his head.
"Fine, I agree. Now what is it?"
"You're telling me, yes?" he asked warily.
"Fine."
"I said to say, yes!" he cried, his hands clenched into tight fists at his side.
"Yes!" Destro screamed, pounding a fist onto his desk. "Just tell me what it is!"
Cobra Commander eased back down into his chair and stared Destro directly in his face.
"My taxes." He said simply.
"Your what?" Destro cried.
"My taxes." Cobra Commander repeated. "My goodness Destro, do you have a hearing problem?"
"I don't have time for this."
"Don't you file your taxes?" he asked.
"Of course." Destro said, feeling a headache already coming on. "Why don't you get the twins for this? They're accountants, after all."
Cobra Commander's brows furrowed with anger. "Don't let me hear taxes and the twins mentioned in the same sentence again! You wouldn't believe the way they messed my taxes up last year! They're idiots!"
Destro cocked his head to one side. "Really? What did they do?"
"A few years ago I got back a measly three hundred dollars and then I was audited just for that, then a year ago I got back fifty bucks, last year, I ended up owing twenty thousand!" Cobra Commander cried in despair. "It was deplorable!"
"Perhaps you didn't pay enough in taxes for the full year?" Destro suggested.
"I'm a terrorist! When did the government start making terrorists pay taxes in the first damn place?"
"That's a good question." Destro said, also wondering.
"Then…will you help me, Destro?"
"Alright."
"Yes?"
"Yes!"
Destro pressed the button on the intercom and requested the Baroness to put on a fresh pot of coffee and then he began scrambling through the mountains of paper work lying along the top of his desk. He picked up one sheet and began running his finger along the lines, reading figures after figures, uncertain.
"How much money did you make last year, Commander?" he asked.
"You won't tell anyone, will you?"
"Only the government."
"Ten million give or take." Cobra Commander said.
"What scheme was that with?" Destro asked, scribbling down the numbers.
"I don't remember."
"Any penalties?" Destro asked.
"Well, I was fined eight thousand in court fees that time when Duke had me thrown in Black water prison."
"I mean, tax penalties." Destro corrected, and then looking up, he added. "You paid eight thousand dollars in fees for trying to destroy the world? That isn't much."
"I had to call in a few favors for that." Cobra Commander said, shifting nervously in his chair. "That judge had to be bribed in other ways."
"Not in a sexual way, I hope." Destro asked, cringing.
"Yes, but that's what I have Zartan for." Cobra Commander laughed. "I offered the bribe and then I had him take the fall."
Destro threw back his head and laughed.
An hour later, Destro combed through Cobra Commander's papers. "Sir, unless you have a good deal of tax deductions, you're going to end up owing again this year."
Cobra Commander's shoulders slumped and he buried his face in his hands. "Oh no! Why me? I'm only a lone terrorist doing what I can to bring a little chaos into the world! I never did anything wrong to anybody!"
"There may be a way out of it." Destro reassured. "Let's see what we can deduct."
Still, another hour later…
"Even after deducting the costs of the weather dominator, your fusion cannon, and the property taxes for all four headquarters, we're still a couple thousand dollars short of a refund."
"What else can be deducted?" Cobra Commander asked anxiously. "Surely there must be something I haven't thought of."
Destro kneaded his chin and then asked. "Any medical costs?"
"I don't carry insurance on my soldiers, that's a waste of time!" Cobra Commander huffed, rolling his eyes.
"What about for you?" Destro asked, nodding a silent thank you when the Baroness popped in, dropping off another round of coffee for Destro and the Commander.
"There was the time I caught strep throat and had to pay for the God forsaken antibiotic."
"I remember that." Destro smiled, hurriedly scribbling that figure in. "That's a good deduction."
"The doctor visit was two hundred dollars and then that stupid Dr. Mindbender had the nerve to ask me to buy him lunch right after that!" The Commander fumed.
"Did you?"
"If I hadn't been in misery and stricken with a temperature of 102 I would've had him shot!"
"I'll deduct the lunch as a medical cost."
"What about the cost of the bottle of Tylenol?" Cobra Commander asked. "That was a whole three dollars."
Another hour…
"What about the cost of my chiropractor?"
"What about the money I spent for shoe insoles?"
"There's the time I spent two dollars on nasal decongestant, though my nose ended up clearing itself out anyway, but I still spent the money…"
Another hour still…
"What about the money I had to spend on Zartan's clinic visit?"
"Zartan did talk me into buying condoms for the dreadknox and I'm not even sure they used them…but it was money still spent."
"The Baroness talked me into giving her a loan for prenatal care, isn't that deductible?"
Destro continued writing like mad, suddenly finding himself looking up. "Prenatal care?"
"Yeah, she said she was pregnant with your child and needed to buy baby things, that kind of nonsense." He shrugged nonchalantly.
"She's pregnant with my child?" Destro stammered. "Why didn't she tell me?"
"She ended up miscarrying it." He said. "She didn't want you to know… and oh, well I guess you know now. Uh, be a dear and don't say I told you, ok?"
"Oh." Destro breathed, lowering his eyes.
"I paid for her hospital stay after that miscarriage, too." Cobra Commander said, shaking his head. "Gosh, really Destro, if you're going to have your fun with the Baroness, you really need to be responsible for your own mistakes."
"I didn't even know she was pregnant!" Destro proclaimed in self defense.
"You know how to wear condoms, don't you?"
"But she lied to me!" Destro said, not understanding why the Baroness would hide such a thing from him.
"Maybe she was too embarrassed that you were the father."
"That's absurd!"
Several hours later…
"There's the cost of my dog's food and his flea shampoo."
"What about this bill for rabies shots, is this for the dog, too?"
"No, that was for Roadpig." Cobra Commander added. "Zartan claims he has to have those every year."
By evening…
"After deducting laundry detergent on clothes you don't wash and scotch tape to cover the leaks in the slaves' quarters, and the imaginary toilet paper you purchased for the sieges, and the invisible toothpaste for the soldiers with no teeth, you're refund comes to six hundred even." Destro breathed, falling back in his chair exhausted.
"Six hundred?" Cobra Commander's eyes lit up. "I don't owe?"
"Not this time, thank goodness!" Destro smiled wearily.
Cobra Commander jumped up from his chair and danced around the room.
"Six hundred isn't much." Destro dared to say.
"But it's better than owing twenty grand!" Cobra Commander laughed. "I'll buy you a beer!"
"I'll take you up on that." Destro smiled.
Standing up and following the Commander to the door, Destro was relieved to see the outside world. What an exhausting day!
"Come and join us, Baroness." Cobra Commander graciously offered, extending a hand to the Baroness.
"Oh my, what's the occasion?" she asked.
"I don't owe taxes this year!"
"Good for you, Sire." She clapped her hands and Destro couldn't help but be proud.
"And I'm going to start having Destro do my taxes every year from now on!" The Commander announced happily.
"You're what????" Destro cried, falling over.
End
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