Disclaimer: I own nothing except the Potter Sue.

Summary:

A moronic epic tale about a Potter Sue in denial and how her creator manipulates her life in the most WTF moments ever.

A/N: Okay, okay...I'm guilty for not updating my other fics. Sorry 'bout that. Ehem. Oh No! Not another Mary Sue parody. They're rapidly increasing in number almost beating the real ones. Soon, they'll dominate the entire world. Bwahahaha.

Anyway, the fic under this paragraph highly contains brain melting elements. None of it makes sense. An aftereffect of caramel popcorn and a bottle of coke zero (also not mine). And there is also the recurring, incurable matter of my lousy grammar and lame sentence constructions but oh, well. The latter part of this fic defies all English rules.

Be warned. Be veeeery warned.

The Quick Rise of Marina Violette N.G. Zoolander

~Marina Z.~

I find it extremely funny how norms usually start their OC fanfiction with the phrase "My name is [insert name here]" and finish the sentence with what kind their OC is categorized (e.g. chimera hybrid witch). Then after the character finished introducing her name, a paragraph would soon follow the foreword containing the author's highly detailed description of the character in question's appearance and chapter one would be gracefully ended by OC's random ramblings.

My creator told me that these OC's are often labeled as Mary Sue by readers. Anne, my creator, told me that Mary Sues are the epitome of perfection. Quoting her, she said "Mary Sues are annoying little chits who are perfect in everything. In HP fandom, they're usually made as Harry's long lost sister, Sirius' muggle-loving cousin, Dumbledore's estranged daughter…blah, blah, Snape's turned young grandmother and oh, all canon boys treats her as their OTL." and with a twisted smile she looked at me and say "But you, my little Marina, would never be part of this Sparklypoo monsters!"

I felt my body involuntarily winced. This wasn't triggered by my insane creator's twisted way of showing her affection because honestly, I was so used to it. What made me tremble was this Mary Sue business.

Oh Merlin.

A wave of paranoia clouded my usually clear mind. I could sense the fear swelling from my chest—my ample bosom, Anne once described.

Shit.

Out of hysteria, a well manicured hand clapped itself over awed full red lips. I could feel my knees buckling, legs shaking against a pair of three inch stylish stilettos custom made from Milan. My thinly clothed back pressed itself against the cold cemented wall, over viewing a very, very atrocious inkling.

"Hey Marina, what's wrong?"

I looked up and saw green. Wild honey brown meets smoldering emerald green.

My face contorted with desperation as I clutched onto Harry's shirt, "Oh, Harry!" I choked, tone heavy. "It's horrible."

"W-wha-? Er…" he gawked. "What's horrible, Rina?" he mumbled, cheeks flooding with color as his face leans towards mine.

"Nooo!" I wailed, tugging his shirt hard, a splash of despair filling my voice. I violently shook my head causing curls of mahogany tinted locks with ubberly shiny gold highlights tumbled from its loosely tied pony tail.

Harry stared at me, his green eyes turning misty with desire. His lower lip trembling.

Oh Gods, I've already had enough of these awkward moments to last a life time. I looked down, irked at the impending intimacy flaunting itself before us.

"Rina…" he murmured, raising my chin to meet his smoldering green eyes. Shit. His muscular body was pinning my thin and petite frame but often described as similar to a body of a ramp model against the wall.

I wanted to scream. This is so wrong on so many levels! Harry bleedin' Potter doesn't even know that I existed because according to Anne's bleeding inaccurate character profile, I was an extremely beautiful ugly duckling from Hufflepuff who ended up as a Gryffindor when Dumbledore conducted an illogical and unexplainable resorting during my 5th year in Hogwarts and somehow...befriended…the…golden…trio…

Shit.

Shit. Shitty, shit, shit, shit. Dread made my legs jelly.

Harry misinterpreted this as "a lady in distress" protocol and let his raging unreleased hormones be in charge.

"Rina…" Harry repeated, sensual dark emerald eyes greatly magnified by his lenses. I looked up wit a whirlwind of emotions illuminating my warm honey eyes.

I felt nauseated from the pit of my flat belly. Merlin, I just couldn't stop praising my self. What's wrong with me?

"Rina…" his lips were so close and it so wasn't a bloody turn on.

"Potter!" a ray of flashing green light peeled Harry's body from mine. My head snapped at the source of magic and to my surprise Draco Malfoy with his blondiliciously glory was standing before me with his wand pointed menacingly at Harry who was— my head shifted back to the other direction and saw the boy-who-lived turned into a brown ferret.

How ironic and…utterly stupid.

I blinked my eyes rapidly causing my insanely long and curled eyelashes to flutter like crazy in an attractive sort of way.

"What do want, Malfoy?" I demanded scathingly. Instincts told me that I hated the Slytherin boy more than anything else.

The blonde smirked, lowered his wand and sauntered towards me in this creepy aristocratic way of his. "Gorgeous as always, aren't we, Zoolander?" he stopped in front of me, his tone purring.

"What?" I snapped, confused and irritated beyond limitation.

"Gorgeous as alwa—"

"No, what I meant was…" I trailed off and waved my head disdainfully. "Waitta…minute! What the hell are you doing here in the Gryffindor Common Room?" I demanded, chin raised upwards.

"I just had to see you…you and you're tantalizing fiery attitude…and full, very, very full lips and sultry dee—"

Horror struck me as Draco Malfoy fumbled with words. DAMN. This is so unreal.

"Marina! Marina! Marinaaa Zooooolaaaanduh I luuurve you! Shaaag me! Sha-haaag me!"

To my intense bewilderment and terror, a seemingly drunk Ronald Weasley came bustling from the portrait hole with a bottle of firewhisky in hand.

"Whaaat?" I groaned, almost childishly. "But you love Hermione!"

"Noo-hooe! Aftuh intoxicating mah mind with hundreeths of bottles of thiss. I learn that I lurrve you Maree-nuh!" he slurred, wagging a red finger in my face.

"Why?" I blurted out desperately, ignoring a kneeling Malfoy by my side.

" 'Coz…" As if it couldn't get redder, Ron's face, down from his neck flushed deep scarlet. His sparkling and determined blue eyes fixed on my frenzied ones.

"Coz…every time I look at you and your big, big, biiiiiiiiiiiig knockers…" he throws a free hand over his head and waved them dramatically. Ah get this—this really, really, reeeaaaaaaaally funnee feeling between me pants. Kinda tight and…" he paused and giggled.

I flushed red. Oh God. This is sick.

"C'mn, lovieee, lemme shaaag you." Ron groggily dived towards me, luckily, my lithe Quiditch reflex made me avoid his colliding body and instead fell on a kneeling Draco Malfoy.

"How about Hermione?" I insisted.

"Actually Marina," a soft feminine voice behind my ear purred. "I broke up with him because…because I…I'm in love with you."

I jumped and saw Hermione licking her lips, staring at me with lust in her eyes.

"Wai—"

"Miss Zoolander, congratulations. You got the highest mark in N.E.W.T. and Physics and Mandarin known to mankind. Your score would never be surmounted until the rapture."

I whirled and saw Professor McGonagall's stern but pleased face, "But I'm only in my 6th year! And how the hell did you lot got in here?" I demanded, edging towards hysteria, hands flailing wildly.

"Oi Mar-eena." a thick Scottish accent made me jumped.

My eyes widen at the ear to ear grinning face of Oliver Wood, suddenly popping behind McGonagall, "What the— you're not supposed to be here! You graduated already and marry some woman."

"I was drawn back by you."

Before I could respond, a huge blast stopped me. All eyes went to the portrait hole and gasped at the sight of the cloaked You-Know-Who emerging from the dust with a wand in hand pointed at us.

"Give me the girrrl." he hissed, his red eyes searching. "Gimme the strongest witch evaah so I could see how hot she is and deciiide to marry her and shaaag her senselessly."

"No! I would not let you have Marina, my one true love!" I felt myself being pushed by Harry's back against the wall.

"What the hell? Aren't you supposed to be a ferret?"

"Power of love, luv."

"Gimme the giiirl, Potter!" the snake like man demanded.

"Nevuh!"

"Oh God, Oh God! Marina is so coooool and pooweerful, even You-Know-Who is scared of heeeer." And as if this isn't stupid enough, an eleven year old Ginny Weasley suddenly appeared holding a banner with my name painted on it in sparkly pink.

"I know! I know! And she's sooo hawt." Colin agreed, his head bouncing up and down, snapping pictures all over the place.

"Goo Mariiinuuuh!" they screeched in unison.

"Have it your way, Pottuh! Avada Kedabra!"

"Nooo! Marinaaa. I love youuuu." And Harry's limp body drop dead.

Oh God. I knew he would die eventually. I saw this coming. Harry would die and…and…

Oh, gasp. I'm a seer too and in my dream, I would be the one who would defeat Voldie. Snatching up Harry's wand, I swiftly pointed it towards lust driven Voldemort and shouted "Avada Kedabra!"

His body jerked, "Arrrrrrrrgh! Curse those firm booobies." and falls dead.

"ZOMG! Marina defeated Voldemorrt!" Dumbledore said, his blue eyes twinkling. "Hurray! Hurray!"

I wasn't even a bit surprised why he was late and decided to appear just now. A mass of wizards and witches appeared before me, cheering my conquest.

In the end, at age seventeen, I married Severus Snape, had babies and became the Ministress of Magic and the Headmistress of Hogwarts. I was also the first human to step on Mars, barefooted.

….and the Wizarding World finally found peace at last.

- FIN

"Oh, fuck you Anne. The latter part doesn't even make sense."

A/N: Oh please, I warned you, didn't I? Don't blame me if melted brain clogged your ears and lost your hearing capability. I told you the thing was nasty, pure, pure, almost evil nasty. I won't be expecting any review because I assumed the fic disabled your ability to read and write. Oh yeah, Marina Zoolander is kind of...kind of a world play, like Harleen Quinzel? Ehem. Well, that's me trying to pathetically witty. I'm sorry if there's grammatical slip ups, can't persuade myself to proofread it. *wince*