Hey everybody!
3rd One-Shot. Might not be the best, caught a really awesome chest cold. Sorry! *douses self in hand-sanitizer*
Ohsam. But I deviated from it… I would also like to point out that while I do know sign language, describing it is quite difficult.
Long ass one-shot.
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Sam and Dean had been separated for 4 months now and Sam hadn't uttered a word since separating. Sam had become to afraid that he might say yes to Lucifer and that wasn't something he was to keen on doing at the moment. Sam was staying in a run-down motel owned by a really nice old lady named Syl who welcomed Sam with open arms. Even though he hadn't said a word. She supplied pens and notebooks for Sam so he could communicate with her.
She would come down in the morning to get Sam and bring him down for breakfast with her and her little dog. Sam enjoyed the company but deep down he knew that he didn't deserve it. Sam believed that he deserved to be sleeping out in the rain on a bench and scrounging for food. This in Sam's mind was heaven.
The old lady had soon noticed the accumulating scars and new cuts on Sam's wrist that he didn't even bother to hide anymore. She was getting Sam to open up more and more each day and it was good for them both to get things off of their chests.
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Sam woke up at 6 am sharp and got into the shower, brushed his teeth and put on some clean clothes before bringing out his blades and trying to let some of the pain out. After that he would grab 2 Advil from the counter and swallow them with a cold glass of water. At 6:45 2 knocks came at the door signaling it was time for breakfast.
"Good morning Sam!" Syl said waving
Sam waved and followed her down to her room for breakfast. Sam did maintenance on the motel for Syl and he was allowed to stay and eat. In the evenings, they would work on learning sign language together so it was easier to communicate for them. It wasn't talking but to Syl it was a step in the right direction for helping Sam.
Syl brought out eggs, toast and bacon for breakfast this morning. Sam brought 4 fingers up to his mouth and brought them out towards Syl, signing thankyou.
"You don't have to thank me hun. Having you helping around here is thanks enough." Syl said
Sam brought his right hand up to his lips and brought it down to the palm of his left, signing good.
Sam pointed at Syl asking her the same question he had just been asked.
"It would have been better had that storm not blown in and kept me up most of the night." Syl said
Once Sam had finished his breakfast and orange juice Syl cleared the table and handed Sam a cup of coffee.
"Thanks for joining me as usual, I think we should be getting to work now." Syl said
Sam nodded and they went their separate ways. Syl to the front desk and Sam to the maintenance room to grab some tools to fix the heating and a ladder to fix a unit on the roof.
Sam had been kept busy today fixing things around the motel that the storm broke. Syl was looking through a new sign language book that she had ordered for her and Sam, as it had been a slow day for check-in's and check-out's. She was working on putting sentences together because up until now they had only been using single words to communicate.
Syl was working on signing YOU PRACTICE SIGN, WHY? When Sam walked in. Unbeknownst to Syl Sam had been working on his sign language when he wasn't with Syl and it was helping him get control of his cutting. Sam was still depressed and didn't think very highly of himself whatsoever but it was helping and Sam was willing to take whatever he could to help better himself.
PIZZA THIN-[crust], THICK-[crust], WHICH FAVORITE-[prefer] YOU? (Which do you prefer, thick or thin crust pizza?) Sam asked
"Well someone has been doing their homework! But to answer your question I enjoy thick crust."
Sam brought his right hand up to his lips and brought it down to the palm of his left, signing good. Sam bent down and grabbed the pizza box setting it on the desk.
"Don't go wasting your money on me Sam." Syl said
Sam brought 4 fingers up to his mouth and brought them out towards and then brought his fingers and thumb to his cheek beside his mouth and moved it towards his ear before tapping it against his cheek again. Signing thankyou, home.
Sam and Syl were concentrating on signing so neither of them heard the door to the office open and the gasp behind them.
"Sam, you don't have to thank me for anything. You help me just as much as I help you. You keep the motel in running order and although you don't talk you are a good listener. Sometimes it's not the vocal aspect that helps a person, sometimes it's the fact that you're willing to listen and you don't let it get you down." Syl said
Sam brought both hands up and made his fingers look like claws before bringing them closer to his chest, making fists and bringing them back out. Signing heal.
"You and I have done a lot of that haven't we. Why don't you bring the pizza into my room and I will join you after I get this gentleman a room." Syl said
Sam turned around to look at the person standing behind him. Once Sam had noticed who it was he took a few steps back, calmed himself, grabbed the pizza and left as fast as he could.
"Do you know Sam, dear?" Syl asked
"I'm Sam's brother Dean." Dean said
"Sam always refuses the topic of family. Never would tell me much other than he had a brother and his father and mother were both dead. Poor thing." Syl said
"How long has he been here for?" Dean asked
"Going on 4 months now." Syl said
"I am going to assume he hasn't told you why we separated?" Dean asked
"Has Sam ever talked or has he always been mute?" Syl asked ignoring Dean's question
"He always talked. He was talking when he was still tiny, he was always spouting out random facts and asking questions. Why?" Dean asked
"Well I am sure you saw Sam signing to me. When he first came here he didn't speak, didn't know how to sign and wouldn't look me in the eye. He's depressed, anxious and paranoid and that's just my observations. He's been self harming since before he got here. I've been helping him as much as I can with the limited sign language that I know, but we've been working together in the evenings teaching ourselves to sign." Syl explained
"So, he works for you then?" Dean asked
"Best help I've had for a long time. He knows how to fix pretty much everything. The stuff he doesn't know how to fix he goes online and follows instructions and then writes them down in here." Syl said grabbing the warped binder from her desk
"Air conditioning units, the furnace, plumbing, washing machines. You name it and he's got it written down in there. He also has taken the liberty of writing down how to fix problems in a 1967 Impala. I don't know why as we haven't had anybody with that type of car here since he got here but it seemed important to him. I want to show you something. Follow me." Syl said
Dean set the book down and followed Syl into the dining room where Sam was siting quietly looking down at his hands. Syl motioned for Dean to stay where he was and she went into the room to talk to Sam. Luckily Dean could see Sam from where he was standing.
Syl walked up to the table, sat down and put her hands on the table motioning for him to do the same. Sam extended his arms and grabbed Syl's hands and Dean was able to see all of the little cuts that had lined Sam's wrists. A pit was growing in Dean's stomach since he walked in and saw Sam. Now he was watching as Syl was able to calm Sam down.
"Anxiety?" Syl asked
Sam held up five fingers and then grabbed Syl's hand again. Syl had gotten Sam's breathing to match hers.
"I am going to show your brother to your room. Is this alright?" Syl asked
Sam made a fist and shook it up and down, signing yes.
"Okay. Now why don't you eat and then we will worry about family drama once Dean and I get back."
Dean could see that Sam was still unsure when he gripped Syl's hands harder as if to tell her not to leave him alone.
"I still have your symbols up on the walls and the one on the ceiling. You are safe Sam. This is a safe space. Look up to the ceiling Sam." Syl said
Sam looked up and the ceiling and once he saw the devils trap he was able to fully calm down.
"If you need anything, you remember what to do?" Syl asked
Sam reached into his pocket and brought out a little black pendant with a small silver button on it.
"See, you're okay. Dean and I wont be gone for too long." Syl said standing up
Sam made a hugging motion and Syl wrapped Sam into a protective hug before sitting him back down and leaving the room.
Syl and Dean were now walking down the sidewalk towards Sam's room.
"It's the one on the end. It's the biggest room other than mine. He sleeps on the one furthest from the door and has painted his symbols on the walls. He has a safe in there that he hasn't opened since he got it 4 months ago, it has a thick layer of dust on it. Other than that, he has 1 picture frame sitting on the bedside table with a picture of a girl in it. She has beautiful blonde hair and a wonderful smile." Syl said
"That was his girlfriend when he was at college." Dean said
"I didn't know he had his degree." Syl said
"Well he didn't finish college, he was studying law on a full ride scholarship. His girlfriend was killed in a fire and that same fire would have killed Sam too had I not been there to pull him out. After that he left and we've been on a road trip ever since. We split up after a big fight and I haven't seen him in 4 months. I don't know what happened or why he stopped talking but I hope to get to the bottom of it." Dean said
"I knew he was to smart for his own good." Syl said
Syl unlocked the door to Sam's room and let Dean go in first as she followed.
"Here's the safe I was telling you about and this is Jessica I assume then." Syl said
"Yep, that's Jess." Dean said
Dean started looking around the room at his brother's stuff and set his duffle down on the bed closest to the door.
"Now I don't mean to intrude but, Sam has become a very big part of my life. I know he is your brother but I will not hesitate to kick you out if he tells me too." Syl said
"Don't worry, I completely understand. I wouldn't have it any other way." Dean said
"He reminds me of my son." Syl said
"You have a son?" Dean asked
"His name was Cole. He was insanely smart and so helpful and he just radiated with love. He didn't have any friends at school. Once he reached high school I could see that he was spending more time inside his head than out. So, I tried becoming more involved with school and his interests but he was so depressed and nothing was helping. I called a therapist over at the hospital who did house calls and she came over and tried to help but nothing was working. He…umm… killed himself when he was 17. I haven't forgiven myself for that and I don't think I ever will. I'm just trying my best with Sam and I don't know what to do. I've been strong and I have kept it together for this long." Syl said
"I'm so sorry Syl." Dean said handing her a tissue
"Sam knows that and sometimes at night I'll wake up screaming and crying and Sam is right there with a cup of tea and is ready to listen. He enjoys looking through the old photo albums with me and he helped me get a bunch of them into frames and hung on the wall." Syl said
"I don't know how but he's always been the one who wants to help other people. He's always been a giver. How are his eating habits?" Dean said
"Well when he first got here he wasn't eating anything. As soon as I caught on to that I started coming down in the morning at 6:45 to get him and we would eat breakfast together. Then I started noticing that he wasn't leaving the room other than to eat with me so I made him a deal. He fixes things around here and I feed, clothe, and put a roof over his head. After we were done for the day he would come into the office and then we would eat dinner together." Syl said
"Did you teach him the sign language?" Dean asked
"When it got to the point where I realised that he wasn't going to talk under any circumstances I started looking into learning sign language. I asked him is he wanted to learn it and he was into it and it just went from there." Syl said
"I can't thank you enough for taking care of Sam." Dean said
"It was my pleasure. Why don't we go back to Sam and see how he's doing? He gets anxious a lot so I don't want to leave him for too long. He gets really paranoid when I'm gone for to long or while he's working if he can't check in with me throughout the day because he's to busy. He also gave me this to wear." Syl said pulling the black cord to reveal an anti-possession pendant.
Syl then made an X with her hands, signing protect.
"What's that mean." Dean asked
"It means protect. He gave it to me after we started learning to sign." Syl said
"That sounds like Sammy." Dean said
Syl and Dean walked into the dining room where Sam was sat with his arms outstretched and his hands balled into fists.
"You can sit down he just needs to do his breathing exercises." Syl said
Syl sat down opposite Sam and grabbed his hands in hers, "okay Sam, just like we practiced. Match your breathing to mine."
Sam was beginning to calm down and Syl kept reassuring Sam that he was alright.
"Your brother seems nice Sam. I showed him to your room. You're safe here with us Sam. Can you please open your eyes, I want to see your eyes Sam. Sooner I see your eyes the sooner you can check your symbols." Syl said
When Syl mentioned the symbols Sam finally calmed down and opened his eyes.
"Anxiety?" Syl asked
Sam held up 2 fingers.
"Okay, go check your symbols and then come sit back down and have some pizza that you were supposed to eat." Syl said with a smile
Sam got up and check every last one of the symbols he had painted on the walls. Once he was done he came back to the table, sat down and watched as Syl dolled out the pizza Sam had bought.
"Now Sam, I don't want you spending your money on me anymore. You know that I love to cook for you. Don't get me wrong this pizza is delicious and I am going to enjoy every bite. But I want you to spend your money on yourself." Syl said
Sam looked up at Dean for the first time since he and Syl had come in and sat down. Sam brought his hand to his forehead and then brought it down with only the pinky and thumb sticking up, signing why.
"Syl can you translate for me?" Dean asked
"Since he's being difficult and wont bring out his pad of paper and his pen, sure." Syl said
"Sammy loves to be difficult." Dean said
"He asked why." Syl said
"Why what Sammy." Dean asked
Sam pointed to his chest, signing me.
Sam brought his hand to his lips and brought it down ending with his palm facing down, signing bad.
"That's bad." Syl said
"Sammy, I've been looking for you since we separated. I even went to Uncle Bobby to see if he could track you down. You weren't answering any calls, so I got really worried. You aren't bad, I don't blame you. Things got heated when we went our separate ways, I wish it never came to that. I thought you were dead." Dean said
Sam brought his hand up and touched his middle and pointer fingers to his thumb, singing no.
"That's no." Syl said
Then Sam brought his hand up to his chin and folded his thumb down before taping his hand on his chin twice, signing talk.
"That's talk." Syl said
"Is there a reason for that? I just want to understand." Dean said
Sam brought his fist up to his lips and stuck his thumb out and tapped it against his lips twice, singing private.
"That's private. Why don't you two head over to Sam's room. I'll see you tomorrow for breakfast and work Sam." Syl said
Sam brought his left hand up to this mouth and held his other hand at chest level, he brought his hand down from his lips to touch the other, signing good night.
"Goodnight to you to Sam. Night Dean." Syl said
Sam lead the way to his room with Dean following closely behind. Once they got to the room Sam put in his key and let Dean into the room first. Before he closed the door, he looked to make sure nobody was coming to attack.
"Sammy, I need to see something." Dean said letting Sam sit down
Dean didn't even need to ask Sam. Sam pulled his up to reveal both wrists that were lined with little cuts and past scars.
"Oh Sammy." Dean said
Sam pointed to the table to where a pad of paper and pen was sitting. Dean went and brought it to Sam and patiently waited for Sam to write what he needed. When Sam had finished, he handed the pad to Dean. Sam's writing had suffered, so it was messier than usual. But Dean was still able to read what Sam had written.
Lucifer was the first word written on the pad. After that "Can't say yes if I don't talk."
"Sam have some faith in yourself. I know you wouldn't have said yes to Lucifer. I believe in you, you need to believe in that." Dean said
Sam shook his head no, stood up and went into the bathroom.
"Sam, I know we've been separated for almost 4 months now but please try and work with me here. I've gone 4 months without hearing your voice and I don't like it." Dean said
Dean could hear Sam crying in the bathroom and wanted to go in and help him but at the same time didn't want to overstep his boundaries. Dean being Dean decided that Sammy comes before anything and was grateful when the bathroom door was unlocked. He quietly opened it, not wanting to startle Sam. When Dean got the door open he saw Sam sitting on the side of the bathtub staring down at his wrists. Before Dean sat down beside Sam he looked at the bathroom noticing the mirror had been covered with a garbage bag and tape, Dean stowed that conversation for later.
Dean sat down beside Sam on the tub and brought Sam's head to his shoulder and wrapped his arms around Sam. He started a circling motion with his hand on Sam's back to get him calmed down, once he had gotten Sam to calm down enough he got Sam up and brought him to his bed. Dean got Sam to lay down while Dean got onto the bed, sitting up with his back to the headboard. He then brought down Sam's head so it was resting in his lap, and Dean was able to run his fingers through Sam's hair.
This was calming for the both of them, it was reminiscent of an easier time in their lives where they had the utmost trust in each other. Dean has beginning to get tired and he almost didn't hear the whisper that came from Sam.
"S'ry." Sam whispered, a barely audible slur
"Oh Sammy." Dean said bringing Sam up and in for another hug.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. Are you slurring?" Dean said
Sam got up and grabbed the pen and paper from the end of the bed, he was taking his time, trying to make it as neat as he could so Dean could read it. When he finished, he handed the pad to Dean.
'Before I got here a group of hunters knew what I was an wanted me to pay. A demon had killed their friend and they blamed me for not stopping it. They beat me almost to death and when I woke up I was in the hospital. My brain swelled and caused damage before they were able to get the swelling to go down. My speech was the only thing that was affected. I sound ridiculous when I talk, so that and not wanting to say yes to Lucifer I decided to just not talk.'
"Did you recognize the hunters?" Dean asked
Sam shook his head no.
"Sammy, can you try talking with me please?" Dean asked
When Sam didn't do anything, Dean grabbed his head and brought it up so he could look at Sam head on.
"Sammy, please. For me." Dean asked
"m tr'yn." Sam said
"Thanks Sammy. You have no idea how much I've missed hearing that voice. Do you think that you could just say hi to Bobby? I don't expect a full conversation but just to let him know you're not dead." Dean asked
"S-s-ure." Sam said
Dean smiled before pulling out his phone and dialling Bobby's number. Dean put it on speaker and set it down on the bed beside Sam.
"Singer." Bobby said
"Hey Bobby." Dean said
"I haven't heard anything from him. I told you I'd call if I had. I'm running out of options here, I don't know what other avenues we can try. Your brother doesn't want to be found so he's not going to let you find him." Bobby said
"Thank you for that Bobby. But I'm sitting beside Sam right now." Dean said
"H-hi B'by." Sam said
"What's wrong. Sam, are you alright?" Bobby asked worry in his voice
Sam got off the bed and went into the bathroom turning on the shower, whether to get in or drown out Dean and Bobby he didn't know.
"It's just me now. Sam's okay. He doesn't talk much or at all. He got jumped by some hunters, a while back and his brain swelled and it affected his speech. I got him to talk a little bit but he's been getting by with sign language." Dean said
"Poor kid. Where's he been holding up?" Bobby asked
"In this motel with this really nice old lady named Syl. She's been helping him lean sign language and he feeds, clothes and keeps a roof over his head and in turn Sam does maintenance around the motel." Dean said
"So, other than the speech Sam's alright then?" Bobby asked
"No, the kids got anxiety like I've never seen. Coupled with paranoia and depression. Syl is the one who was able to calm him down twice today. He even got Syl to let him put up a devil's trap and sigils and Sam got her an anti-possession pendant." Dean said
"Sam feels safe there then. At least he knew enough to protect himself and Syl. So, what's the plan here? Are you going to gather Sam and haul ass or are you going to see what he wants?" Bobby asked
"I'm going to let Sam decide on that one. I don't want him to get anxious so, I'm going to play it by ear and see how things go. Syl and Sam have a routine and I don't want to change that. Maybe I'll take a break from hunting and I'll help Sam recover and then who knows." Dean said
"I understand Dean. Just please keep me updated on the kid. I've been worried sick trying to track him down." Bobby said
"I will don't worry." Dean said
Dean and Bobby ended the call and Dean went to see if he could coax Sam out of the bathroom if he wasn't in the shower. Dean knocked on the door and he heard the shower turn off and he opened the door and went past Dean to his safe. He ran his fingers over the picture frame of Jess and then opened the safe and brought out a stack of envelopes. He handed them to Dean and then went back to close the safe. Dean took a closer look at the envelopes and noticed that they were all addressed to Dean with Bobby's address.
"Why didn't you send these?" Dean asked
Sam opened his mouth and then shut it. Instead Sam brought his hands up and stuck his middle, pointer and thumb out before toughing his middle and pointer to his thumb, signing no. The he brought his hands to chest level and put them out with the palms facing up, he then brought them towards himself and made claws, signing want.
"Sammy, I don't know what that means." Dean said
Sam thrust a book about sign language into Deans hands knocking the letters out of his hand. Dean opened the book and Sam came over and flipped through until he found the page with no and then flipped to want.
"You think you weren't wanted?" Dean asked
Sam shook his head yes.
"Sam when we had that fight we both said things. I am sorry for making you feel like that but trust me when I say that Bobby and I want you around. You are my little brother and I love you. Bobby and I have been running ourselves ragged trying to find you. And so help me God if I find those hunters who beat you I will kill them myself."
"N-no." Sam said
"Sam, they don't deserve to live after what they did to you. They took away your voice and that is punishable by death." Dean said
"S-s-til-l Sam." Sam said
"I know Sammy. I don't think any less of you. I just miss hearing your voice is all." Dean said
"T-try h-h-har-der." Sam said
"I know you're trying. I'm here to help Sam. I'm not going anywhere. I told Bobby that I'm taking time off of hunting, but only if its okay with you."
"L-love y-you." Sam said
Dean enveloped Sam in a hug and let his tears fall freely, he could hear Sam start to sniffle and he tightened the hug.
"I love you to little brother. Don't you ever forget that."
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After Dean and Sam separate season 5, Sam stops talking. Even if he wants to, he has somehow lost the ability to talk. Maybe he's subconsciously become too afraid that he'll say yes, he's cannot even trust himself to speak. Maybe it's his mind's way of punishing himself. Whatever the reason, Sam adjusts during those months apart - well, as best he can as he becomes more and more consumed with guilt and self-hatred. He ignores all calls - none of them are from Dean, anyway - and detaches himself as best he can from those around him.
When Dean meets up with him again, he's of course shocked at this new development. Whether Sam starts talking again eventually is up to you, but I'd love to see Dean coax him out of his mental shell in little, big-brotherly ways.
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