A/N My entry to Stark Raving Lolly's Once Upon a Shadowland Challenge! Based on the fairytale Rumplestiltskin, as you can probably guess. Bold italics are Sister Catherine/quote from a book, normal text is Suze's narrative, italics is Suze writing, and bold text is Jesse interrupting. Hope there's no confusion.

Also, my first time at writing anything remotely funny. Be nice?

I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse I Love Jesse

Miss Simon: Due to your previous effort being deemed inappropriate, you have been asked to rewrite your English assignment. If you cannot take this seriously, then a meeting with your parents and Father Dominic will be arranged – Sister Catherine.

Pauliestiltskin

Once Upon a Shadowland

O.K, then.

Once upon a time there lived a young girl named Susannah –

Shouldn't your main character have a different first name, querida?

Butt out, Jesse. This is my assignment; I have to do this alone.

Last time I left you alone with an English assignment you had the Fairy Godmother commit a mass-murder with her magic wand.

Fine. Her name can be… Pusannah.

Pusannah?

Yes.

Once upon a time there lived a young girl called Pusannah, who longed to make the Prince Charming her own.

Let me guess. His name was… Pesse or something, yes?

Don't be stupid.

He was Prince Jesse, who was set to someday rule over the land, after the death of his father, King Dominic.

Nombre de Dios.

King Dominic was in a dilemma – his son was unmarried, but time was running out as his own health deteriorated. Prince Jesse would soon be King, but needed a Queen to rule at his side. The king sent a message across his land, declaring that any young girl, who could rid his castle of the spirits that haunted it, would marry his son, and later become Queen.

And I suppose that young girl would be Pusannah?

Stop interrupting me. Go amuse yourself with the microwave again, or something.

Fine.

Pusannah had a special gift – she could see, touch and talk to ghosts – but she hadn't told anybody about it besides her father, Peter. She wasn't sure she wanted to share her ability with anyone – she hadn't learnt to control it, she couldn't use it at will – but her father had other ideas. He boasted to the other villagers about how his daughter was going to help the King, and how she was going to marry the Prince.

"My daughter is the mediator!" He would cry. "My Pusannah – the mediator!" He was so proud, but he should have held his tongue. For one today someone else heard of Pusannah's ability, and told the King, who abruptly sent for her.

After spotting a large white carriage head towards their small house by the stream, Pusannah begged her father to hide her, but he refused.

"No," he said. "You must show the King your gift; you must marry the Prince!" Pusannah was carried into the carriage by two guards and watched her house get smaller and smaller as she was pulled away, unsure of whether she would ever see it again.

I still can't believe you called her Pusannah.

If you're so bugged about my fairytale, you can go and write your own.

No – I am oddly fascinated. Is that… Pauliestiltskin I spy at the top of your page?

"You will stay here for three days," the king informed her, as he locked the door to her cell. "I don't doubt the ghosts will come shortly – they love to frighten new visitors." Pusannah trembled in fear in spite of herself. "I will come back every morning, and every morning you will have rid me of one ghost. If you don't succeed, you will be beheaded… I don't appreciate time-wasters."

Pusannah nodded, and sank onto the cold, stone floor beside the plate of bread and cheese left for her. She began to cry – her loud sobs bouncing off the walls around her. "I can't do this!" she said into her hands. She lifted her head and dried her eyes – and when she had finished she saw that a boy had appeared in front of her. He sat cross-legged on the floor and was watching her intently.

"Who are you?" she asked, blinking at him.

"I am Paul," he replied, softly. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.

Was the boy ugly?

Will that make you happy?

Yes. It would.

The boy's face was oddly disfigured, and he shielded it away from her curious stare.

Extremely happy.

"Why are you here?" she asked him, but his answer was interrupted by three figures who appeared behind him. They were glowing, and Pusannah knew at once that they were the ghosts who had been haunting King Dominic.

The first ghost acknowledged Paul and Pusannah with an ungracious nod before speaking. "I'm Brad," he grunted. He sniffed the air. "Dude. Is that CHEESE?" He wandered off in pursuit of said dairy product, leaving the other two ghosts to introduce themselves.

That's funny – I never had Brad down as a cheese person. More of a ten-bagels-at-a-time kind of man.

"I'm Kelly," said the second ghost, tossing her hair over her shoulders. She turned to look at the third ghost, whose gaze was fixed to her waist. "Debbie," she hissed. "What are you doing?"

"I'm putting on so much weight," Debbie moaned. "I swear the afterlife adds ten pounds." Kelly scoffed.

"God, you're so transparent," she muttered. She turned to Pusannah, jerking a dismissive thumb in the direction of her friend. "This is Debbie." Debbie raised her sulky brow in greeting.

Pusannah stood up, her attempt at making conversation failing miserably. "I- I… M-my… Pu…" She was a girl of patience, and of virtue, but never an extrovert.

Now I know this must be a fairytale.

The boy named Paul stood up and introduced himself. "I am Paul," he said again. "And I am here to help Pusannah." He turned to look sharply at the peasant girl. "That is, of course, if you have something to give me in return."

Pusannah glanced sorrowfully down at her neck – from which dangled a necklace from her deceased mother, the only item of value she had. She undid it slowly, before dropping it into Paul's hand. "I'm sorry," she said apologetically. "It's all I have to give."

Paul's hand closed over the necklace, and he made his way over to Brad, who was stuffing his face with the mouldy cheese.

Susannah – ghosts can't eat, remember?

Sister Catherine doesn't have to know that. Besides, it could just be coming directly out of the other end, right?

That is disgusting.

"It's your time to go, buddy," Paul said to Brad, who looked up confusedly. Paul placed a hand on Brad's muscular back, before the two of them disappeared. Kelly and Debbie shrieked.

"Oh my God! He's gone – he's gone!" Pusannah was perplexed too. How had the Paul boy managed to get into her cell in the first place – and where had he gone now?

Before she had much chance to dwell on this though, King Dominic and his guards appeared at her door. The king saw that there were two ghosts left, and smiled delightedly.

"Two left!" he cried triumphantly. "Well done, Miss Pusannah. You shall not be executed today." Pusannah smiled sadly as the King walked away, feeling guilty that she should receive the credit for Paul's work.

The following night, Paul reappeared. Pusannah – along with Kelly and Debbie – greeted him worriedly.

"Paul!" Pusannah cried. "What happened to you – where did Brad go?"

Paul smiled nonchalantly, flattered by the attention. "Pusannah," he said. "I only did what I promised to do in return for your necklace. Brad has moved on – he is no longer part of the spirit plane." Pusannah was suspicious.

"What was holding him back?" she asked. "How did he move on so quickly?" Paul was irritated by her questions.

"Does it matter?" he snapped shortly, and Pusannah jumped. "All that matters is that he is no longer haunting the King. And once I have rid you of all the ghosts you shall marry the Prince."

Pusannah chewed her lip. "I have nothing else to give you," she wept. "The necklace I gave you yesterday was the only item of value I had." She looked down at the floor. Paul lifted her chin with his thumb and looked into her eyes.

"Pusannah," he said. "Um… can I call you Puze?"

Puze. Dios. This fairytale can surely not get any worse.

"Puze," he said softly. "I will only take a kiss from you – I have no need for jewellery or riches."

I stand corrected.

Pusannah was unsure – she had not kissed anyone at all during her sixteen years. But she needed the ghosts to be gone… her life depended on it. So she shyly let herself be kissed by the grotesque Paul, closing her eyes so that she didn't have to see him approach her. Once it was over, she opened her eyes again to see that he was gone, along with Kelly. Debbie stood alone, pouting thoughtfully.

"Wait. Wasn't Brad here just a second ago?"

Pusannah rolled her eyes.

The next morning, King Dominic arrived, bringing with him his oldest son, Prince Jesse. Pusannah sighed at the sight of him – he was more handsome than she could have ever imagined. His voice was deep, his eyes were dark… and he sent her heart fluttering.

Oh, querida. You flatter me.

You forget, Jesse. He's a fictional character.

"Hello," he said, through the bars, and she blushed. "You are Pusannah?" She bowed her head nervously, and he smiled. "I am Pri – Jesse, just Jesse. It's nice to meet you." He was shoved out of the way by his father, who saw that there was only one ghost left. He clapped his hands together with glee.

"Fantastic!" he roared. "You keep it up, girl, and you'll be at the royal banquet tomorrow night. Start slacking now, however…" He shrugged. "It may be you with the apple in your mouth tomorrow on the table instead." Jesse looked mildly horrified, and Pusannah leant against the wall, feeling faint. She crossed her fingers.

"Please let Paul come back tonight," she said under her breath, and her wish came true. That evening, Paul appeared before her out of thin air and stood with his hands on his hips. Pusannah lowered her head ashamedly.

"I gave you jewels from my neck and a kiss from my lips," she said. "And now I truly have nothing else to give you." Paul shook his head.

"I know what I want from you if I am to rid you of this final ghost," he said. He reached forward and took Pusannah's hand. He pressed something into her skin and she gasped. "On the day you become Queen," he began. "I want the heart of your husband, handed to me with his crown." In a blink of an eye he was gone, Debbie along with him. Pusannah sank to the floor, the dagger that had been placed in her hand falling with a clatter.

"No," she breathed, her own heart breaking in two.

The next day, King Dominic released Pusannah from her cell and threw a banquet to celebrate his son's engagement. As she entered the Great Hall, Pusannah's eyes widened. Never had she seen so much food! Each and every long wooden table was laden with foreign fruits and meats from all animals. A golden goblet was thrust into her hand and she sipped, eager to forget about Paul.

"May I have this dance?" Jesse asked, and Pusannah bowed her head in agreement. She abandoned her goblet and took his hot, soft hand. They began to dance to the music, Jesse sweeping her across the floor gracefully. As she grew dizzier, her grasp on his arm grew tighter, and he smiled.

"I hear we are engaged," he said. She nodded shyly before hiccupping.

"I hear that too," she replied. He dipped her low before pulling her upright again. The dark pools of his eyes were twinkling.

"Thank-you for helping me and my father," he whispered gently, and Pusannah's gut twinged with guilt. Before she had time to decide whether or not to tell him the truth, however, he had moved closer and pressed his lips to hers, and everything besides the fireworks behind her eyelids faded into nothing.

I would never be that forward.

The day of the royal wedding came and went, and Pusannah was now officially a princess. A year passed and she bore a child – a boy, who would later become King after the passing of his father. She named him Padam, and the daughter born after him she named Pecilia… or Pee-Cee, as she was affectionately called.

I would also never call my children Adam and Cee-Cee. Or Padam and Pee-Cee, for that matter.

Well it's not you, is it?

King Dominic had grown very ill during this time, however, and Pusannah grew worried. Not only had she become close to her father-in-law, but the death of the King also meant that Jesse would succeed him, and Pusannah in turn become Queen. Paul would be back, demanding the heart of Jesse – something she was sure she could never present him.

But the day came, and the land was plunged into mourning the loss of their king whilst Jesse was forced to take the role of his deceased father. The evening before the coronation, Pusannah spoke to her husband worriedly.

"Jesse," she said softly, as she lay her daughter down into the crib. "Would you forgive me anything?" Prince Jesse was concerned, and placed a hand on his wife's cheek.

"Pusannah," he said, calmly. "What have you done that needs forgiving?" Pusannah paused, and her cowardice got the better of her.

"Nothing," she answered, eventually. "Nothing. Let's get to sleep now; you have a big day ahead of you tomorrow." Jesse nodded and pulled back the covers and pulled his wife close to his bare chest.

Please bear in mind, querida, that this is an English assignment, and not an R-rated movie.

Geez, Jesse, mind-in-the-gutter much?

"It's a big day for both of us," Jesse corrected her. "Tomorrow you will become my Queen."

Pusannah remained silent, hoping with all her heart that tomorrow would not bring her heartache.

"Fingers crossed," Jesse whispered in her ear as he descended down the grand staircase to receive his crown. Pusannah crossed hers at once, and with the other hand clutching her son's podgy, sticky fingers. She smiled as Jesse looked up to her before sitting down on his throne, but once he looked away her face fell, and her heart felt like it was made of lead.

Suddenly, she was seized from behind and pulled out of sight from everyone who had gathered to watch Jesse's coronation. Padam dropped his mother's hand and backed against the wall, horrified. Pusannah pulled away from her attacker to see that it was Paul, just as she had feared…

Padam ran out of the room and Pusannah tried to call after him. "Padam!" she yelled, and Paul moved to seize her again. "Help! He-" His hand covered her mouth and restricted her breathing.

"Now give me what you promised," he hissed, his voice snake-like against her neck. He shuffled across the floor so that they overlooked the coronation. "You promised me your husband's heart."

"No!" Pusannah tried to protest against his hand. "No, please!" She broke free again and tore the gold chains from her neck, thrusting them into his hands. "Please, take these!" She shook her hair free of her crown. "And this – and this!" A ring, a bracelet… Paul dropped every single item to the floor as she passed it to him.

"I don't want your jewels," he said, in a low voice that made her freeze. "But…" He ran a finger down her neck. "Your husband can stay alive if you can do this one thing…" Pusannah crossed her arms over her chest protectively.

"What?" she asked, quietly, half-afraid of the answer.

"You must guess my real name," finished Paul, and Pusannah frowned confusedly.

"Paul isn't your real name?" He threw his head back and laughed cruelly.

"Of course not," he replied. "You have three guesses…" He lowered his voice and his stare turned cold. "Or your husband will die."

Before Pusannah could have her first guess, however, Padam appeared in the doorway, and she rushed to shoo him away for his safety. Padam moaned as he was picked up, and hit his mother on the arm with something. She took it from him and examined it closely. It was a book.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN

By the Brothers Grimm

"No!" Paul cried instinctively, and Pusannah jumped, dropping the book to the floor. It fell open to a page and she knelt down to read it:

"Today I bake, tomorrow I brew,

Today for one

Tomorrow for two

Little knows my royal dame

Rumplestiltskin is my name."

"Rumplestiltskin," Pusannah repeated, setting Padam down on two feet. "Rumplestiltskin…" Paul snatched the book from her.

"It's just a children's story," he said, before tossing it to the floor and stamping on it. "You have three guesses, remember?" He spat on the book. "Start guessing."

But Pusannah was no longer intimidated. She approached him defiantly. "I know your name," she replied, firmly. "I know what you are called. You are called…"

"No!" groaned Paul, sinking to his knees.

"PAULIESTILTSKIN," she finished triumphantly, and he felt onto his front.

"No..." he wailed again.

"Yes," Pusannah corrected him, and he stood himself up again, his eyes redder than fire.

"You'll pay for this," he vowed. "You'll pay-" He was interrupted by a choking sound erupting from his mouth. He clutched his throat in bewilderment, before pointing at Padam furiously. "I'll get your boy-" He took a step forwards, and Pusannah ran to shield her son, but suddenly the man before them burst into flames, showering them with soot… and scorched pages of the fairytale book.

Very clever, Susannah.

Thanks. I'm proud of it too.

Is that the end now?

No! This is a fairytale, after all. It deserves a proper cheesy finish.

"What's going on?" Jesse burst into the room, and stared in wonder at the falling soot and his family beneath it. "Pusannah… Padam…why are you not are the coronation? What has happened here?"

Pusannah stood up and lifted her son onto her hip. "Nothing's happened here, darling," she replied, pushing Jesse gently out of the room and shutting the door. "I'm sorry we missed your coronation." Jesse moved to open the door again, but she closed her fingers over his hand. "I think it's best to get the maid to attend to that room before we enter it again, don't you?"

Jesse smiled, and ruffled the hair of his son. "Yes," he agreed, eventually. "Now, aren't you coming to take your place as Queen, querida?" Pusannah kissed him deeply and gratefully.

"Yes," she said. "I am." She took her husband's hand and he led her down the grand staircase, at the bottom of which stood her proud father, and the nobles from across the land ready to accept their new King and Queen.

"I love you, King Jesse," she whispered in his ear, as she sank into her grand throne.

"And I love you, Queen Pusannah." The two embraced and kissed, knowing that they would live Happily Ever After.

King Jesse. I like the sound of that.

You would.

THE END