A/N: SO! Here it is, the first thing I've ever put out, and it's for Star Wars. If you'd told me three years ago that I was going to be as obsessed as I am now, I would have laughed in your face. But, here I am! I'm really nervous about putting this out, especially since it's for Star Wars, a fandom that has such a dedicated fanbase that does their research. But, I absolutely love this fandom and really want to contribute.
Just a fair warning, my updates may be sporadic because, hey, so am I, but they will come. I will do my best to give you a good story in a reasonable amount of time, and I'm hoping that I can have this all finished before The Last Jedi so I don't give up on it midway through because it is no longer canon-compliant, though I don't see that happening so it'll probably just end up being a canon-divergent fic.
Thank you! Please enjoy this pile of trash that I lay before y'all.
Meditation had never been Rey's strong suit. Her mind was always in way too many places at once, and it was hard enough to focus on just one thing, but to clear her mind completely? Almost impossible.
"Calm down, Rey. Don't worry about not getting the hang of it just yet; that will only make it harder for you."
Unfortunately, Master Luke had always been a strong believer in the fact that meditation was the best way to become more attuned to the Force, and had Rey practice for two hours every day. Rey hated this but did what she was told. She always did what she was told. It was the only way for her to become a Jedi.
It was the only way for her to win against the Dark Side.
Rey took a deep breath. She hated how silent it was. The stillness only made it easier for things to whirl through her head without cease. Especially those confusing, unneeded sensations. She didn't understand them, she didn't want them, and she didn't need them. Every time she thought about...about him, she got a knot in her chest. She had convinced herself it was hate, but sometimes she felt more guilty, or sad, or angry, and sometimes even scared, but not quite hateful.
She wanted it to be hate. Needed it to be. But when the knot appeared followed by memories that she was certain weren't hers, and flashes of pain that were completely unprovoked, she wasn't really sure what was going on. It scared her, but she didn't dare tell anyone about it. The last thing she wanted was someone thinking she felt anything less than loathing for that monster. Sometimes, though, she came very close to telling someone, anyone, just to see if maybe they could help her. But the thought of telling her master was scarier to her than the flashes themselves, so she managed to keep her mouth shut.
She wondered if Luke could sense when she was having a particularly bad flash, and, deciding to be safe rather than sorry, she tried her best to make sure she stayed away from him when they got too bad. After all, if he could dig through her head to get whatever he wanted, it shouldn't have been hard for Luke to do the same. Rey just couldn't risk him finding out and scolding her, maybe even distancing himself from her. Then, the delicate framework of her training would come crashing down, and everything she'd been working for would be lost.
Today, though, she was losing her patience. She kept feeling burning sensations on her arms, legs, and upper back that were followed by a knot of anger or fear. Rey tried not to think about them too much, that always made them worse, but they wouldn't stop, and the fact that she was meditating and unable to distract herself with another activity frustrated Rey more than anything else. She was starting to worry about herself.
"Rey, focus. Clear your mind. Calm your thoughts," Luke's voice broke in, the tone soothing but the words aggravating.
"I'm trying."
Rey fought the urge to huff. She knew the Jedi meant well, but she knew what she had to do, she just couldn't do it. She could feel Luke's eyes on her and her temper flared. A flash of pain surged up her leg and her face flushed.
"Rey-"
She sighed frustratedly, unwilling to be scolded yet again. "I apologize, Master Luke. I'll keep trying."
"Keep your anger with me in check, Rey. Anger-"
"'Leads to the Dark Side.' Yes, you've told me."
She closed her eyes and tried to clear her head yet again. A sort of peaceful fog settled over her, and she could feel herself making progress. She smiled inwardly at her success, but her triumph was short-lived; another burning pain shot down her arm and rage coursed through her.
She flew to her feet. She couldn't take it anymore. She had to get away and figure things out. What was happening? Why was it happening? And how could she make it stop? She started walking quickly away from where she'd been sitting with her master.
"Rey?" her master called after her, clearly alarmed. "Rey!"
But Rey didn't stop, didn't turn to listen. She broke into a run, pumping her legs faster and faster as she ran. She ran to the most secluded place on the island; its highest point. At the island's peak, you could see the ocean's usually docile waves for miles, and the sunsets were beautiful. Rey loved to watch the water roll around as the sun glinted off the gentle waves. It was calming, and calm was exactly what she needed right now.
She finally reached her spot, but when she arrived, she didn't sit down like she usually did. She wanted to, but she was too restless, too skittish. She felt everything bubbling up inside her; the anger, the fear, the confusion, the frustration, desperate for a release.
"What is wrong with me?" she screamed. "Whatever it is, make it stop! I don't want it anymore! I didn't want it in the first place! Just-!"
She searched around for something, anything, to relieve some of the tension building up in her chest and found a sizeable rock. She picked it up and hurled it as hard as she could. She watched it as it sailed over the edge of the cliff, listening for the satisfying THUNK it would make as it hit the water below. But it didn't come.
Rey dropped to her hands and knees and crawled to the edge, looking down at the beach. The rock sat at the edge of the shore, mocking her as the tide lapped at the sand around it. She flopped onto her back and groaned; today was not a good day.
She stared up at the cloudless blue sky, wondering about the goings on beyond this planet's atmosphere. About the Resistance, about Leia, about Chewie…about Finn. He'd still been unconscious when she left: had he woken up yet? What was happening with the Resistance now that the immediate threat of Starkiller Base was no longer an issue?
And the First Order. Were they already regrouping? Already planning another attack on the Resistance base? Or were they still mourning the loss of their weapon? Were they even upset about all the people they'd lost? Probably not. The countless Stormtroopers and commanders that had died were probably just numbers on a holopad to the Order. An inconvenience. Just as disposable as a piece of broken machinery. But if they weren't upset, Rey certainly was. Enough for the both of them. Even though those people were the enemy, they all had lives. Families, friends, people they cared about…just like Finn. And now they were gone. Just like that. With maybe no one but Rey to mourn them.
And it was the Resistance's fault.
Didn't that make them just as bad as the people they were trying to stop? Didn't that make the Resistance just as reckless and cruel?
Rey shook her head.
No. They didn't blow up entire systems of innocent people. They didn't wipe out dozens of villages for no reason. They didn't torture innocents for information they may or may not have.
They didn't kill their own families.
A pain that was most certainly her own knotted up her chest uncomfortably. She hadn't known Han for long, but losing him had still been hard. He'd had the kind of life Rey had longed to live. One of adventure and exploration, one of diversity and spontaneity, one of recklessness and fun. And he'd been willing to share it with her, to give her a place where she belonged. To give her a home, a family. To give her everything that she'd ever wanted. And, at first, like an idiot, she'd turned it down, afraid that she'd miss something if she left the bubble of relative safety and predictiveness that was Jakku. She'd soon realized that she would miss a lot more if she stayed on that forsaken sand planet any longer. But before she could even make the choice, she'd had it ripped away from her. By that monster. He'd destroyed any chance at her growing closer to Han, at having him become a father figure to her; there to give a few wise words when she was confused and to crack a joke when she was feeling down. And that was why she hated him. Hated him with all of her being.
Luke told her that hating him was wrong and that rather than hate him, she should pity him, but she couldn't find it in herself to do so. How could you pity someone who'd had their life handed to them on a silver platter? Born into a well-known, well-loved family who was held in high regard. Trained in the Force from a young age, courtesy of Luke. Never known a day of hunger or abandonment in his life. And yet he'd still turned against all of that, against all of them, for...what? She couldn't understand how Luke couldn't hate him, and how Leia could still believe that he might come back. If she had been related to him, maybe it would have been different, she guessed. But, if anything, she probably would have felt even more hurt, even more betrayed by this person who she thought she knew. If someone she trusted had turned on her that way, she didn't know if she'd be able to hope that they'd come back. In fact, she'd probably want them to stay far, far away.
Another flash of pain startled her out of her musing, this time at her mouth. She lightly brushed her fingertips against her mouth, expecting blood from what felt like a split lip, but when she pulled her hand away, it was as clean as it had been before. Fear gripped her momentarily, then shock, then it gave way to rage before the episode ended abruptly, leaving Rey just as upset and confused as before.
She sighed and closed her eyes tightly, lying as still as she possibly could. Maybe it was finally time to tell Luke. She really didn't want to go back and face her master so soon after her outburst, but she didn't know what else to do. There was no one else to tell, and even though she hated to admit it to herself, he'd probably know what to do better than anyone else. But that didn't mean she wanted to tell him about all this, by any means. So, she was going to lay here for as long as possible. Maybe she could work out what to tell him. Certainly not, "Oh, well, you see Master Luke, I think I might be losing my mind. Yeah, I've been getting angry or sad or scared even though I have no reason to be when it happens. And sometimes it comes with a flash of pain, usually on my arms or legs, and it burns. Mmhmm, and it doesn't really even last long enough to do anything but concern me. What's that? Oh, I am going crazy? Okay, good talk." No. But she didn't exactly have any excuse for what had just happened, so she had to give some semblance of an explanation.
Rey slowly sat up, squinting into the setting sun. She sighed, crossing her legs. She'd tell him later if she told him at all. Right now, she was going to try to meditate again. Maybe she'd get an answer that way.
"Agh!"
Kylo stumbled backward and grabbed his arm where another Knight's lightsaber had grazed him for the fourth or fifth time. He hissed in pain, clenching his teeth, and pulled his hand away to find that most of his sleeve had been singed off and he sighed in frustration. That had been his last usable shirt.
The same Knight flew at him, knocking him to the ground. Kylo's head banged against the cement floor with a sickening thud, making his ears ring, and his vision went fuzzy for a moment, but he didn't even have time to recover before a gravelly voice came from the corner of the room.
"Again."
Anger flared in Kylo's chest, but he was so exhausted that not even rage could fuel him like he needed it to. Still, he had to continue. He roughly shoved the Knight off of him and staggered to his feet. He brought his hand away from the wound on his arm and wiped the sweat out of his eyes, taking his stance yet again. His eyes flicked toward the Supreme Leader, but the disfigured creature merely continued to observe the other two Knights circling Kylo with rapt attention.
Kylo noticed the other Knights had both noticeably slowed since the beginning of the training session. He had to beat them. The dueling would continue until he did. They were just as tired as he was and also desperately wanted this duel to end, but they knew that there were two of them and only one of Kylo and that no matter how many times they dueled, he would not be able to come out on top. Not in the state he was in. But, Supreme Leader was relentless, and he'd know if they threw the match.
"What are you waiting for? An invitation?" he boomed, startling everyone in the small training room. His hologram shifted forward slightly in its seat. "One of you attack!"
There was a moment of hesitation, but Kylo saw his opportunity when one of the other Knights turned to look at the Supreme Leader. Kylo flew at him, hitting him in the back of the head with the butt of his lightsaber so hard that he crumpled. Kylo whirled to face the other Knight and, having caught him off guard, quickly overpowered and disarmed him, pinning him to the ground. When he had managed to keep his opponent incapacitated on the floor for a good ten seconds, Supreme Leader finally sat back in his seat, apparently satisfied.
"Enough. Return to your quarters for the night. I expect to see you all here in the morning."
Kylo lurched to his feet, turning to face the hologram. He bowed, and the hologram flickered slightly before disappearing completely. He let out a sigh and extinguished his lightsaber, attaching it to his belt before turning to the conscious Knight. He roughly yanked him to his feet and made for the exit quickly, stepping over the Knight he'd knocked out on his way out the door.
He staggered through the halls, glaring at anyone who dared to glance at him as he passed by. Blood ran from his upper lip into his mouth and he wiped it away, annoyed. Annoyed that he'd let himself be beaten more than once, annoyed that he'd had to rely on their weaknesses and not his strengths to win, annoyed that he couldn't seem to do anything right.
He came to his door and barely made it to his bed before collapsing. He lie on his bed, staring up at the cold hard ceiling, pondering what exactly it was he was doing anymore.
Did he even believe in what he was fighting for? He was starting to wonder. He found himself questioning everything he'd previously been taught, everything he'd previously believed was right, and often he discovered he couldn't justify everything with some explanation as to why it had to be the way it was.
Sometimes, he considered just hopping on a shuttle and running away from it all. Running to farthest reaches of the galaxy and disappearing. He could leave and get far, far away from all…this. He could start over and try to forget about this life. About who he was, who he had been, anyway, what he'd done, what he'd caused, what he'd seen. And even though he'd never be able to come back, he couldn't find a reason why that'd be a bad thing. One thing was for certain: he was never going back from where he'd come from before all this.
'Not that I'd be welcome there, anyway,' he thought.
Shame made his face burn red. He still couldn't believe he'd done it. It had happened months ago, and he still lay awake at night thinking about it. Though he'd never admit it, he'd cried. More than once, too. He couldn't get over the fact that he'd taken the life of someone who used to mean so much to him, someone who still meant more to him than he would've liked to admit. He would have nightmares and wake up in a cold sweat. Nightmares that never seemed to release him, even in his waking moments. Nightmares that would probably never release him.
Kylo threw his arm over his face and buried his nose in his elbow, taking a deep breath and forcing himself not to cry. He could not be weak. He would not be weak.
After taking a few steadying breaths, he sat up and threw off his gloves before he tore off his cloak, flinging it to the floor. His shirt followed in quick succession. Wincing, he examined the wounds on his arms. They still stung, especially the newest one; it was deeper than the rest, but not enough to be serious, so he wouldn't worry about it. He checked for any other wounds on his upper body, but when he found none, he flopped back down. He supposed that he should go and get the injuries checked and wrapped by a medic so they didn't get infected, but he frankly did not have the energy to do so at the moment, so he decided he'd go in the morning.
He ran a hand down his face, sighing. Today's training session had not gone the way he'd hoped, and he could tell that the Supreme Leader had been disappointed as well.
'Why can't I do anything right?' he thought angrily. 'Why do I have to be a disappointment to everyone?'
He rolled onto his side, tracing the scar on his face with his index finger. He didn't know why he'd kept it; it was just a reminder of another time that he'd failed. A reminder of a night that had turned everything on its head.
He rolled his eyes in disgust. That scavenger had beaten him. Him. He was supposed to be one of the most, no, the most powerful Force user in the galaxy and a mere scavenger girl had beaten him. Granted, she'd had the Force too, but she was only just learning about her abilities. Kylo had been trained in the ways of the Force for years. He should have been able to at least disarm her and convince her to come with him, but he couldn't even manage that. And now Supreme Leader had been working him tirelessly.
"I will not have you defeated by her again, understood? My best pupil will not be a disgrace to his legacy because he is too weak to finish off a scavenger."
Those had been the encouraging words Kylo was met with on his first day of training with the Supreme Leader after the incident. The words had definitely cut deep, and now Kylo struggled daily to prove himself to his master. But it still did not seem to be enough. Nothing ever seemed to be enough. And his master either did not sense his inner turmoil or did not care, and Kylo had to suffer alone. Things he couldn't seem to figure out swirled in his head, and they never stopped, never gave him a moment's peace. He couldn't remember the last time he'd woken up without a knot in his stomach, and he was constantly thinking about what he'd done, and what he still continued to do. The more he thought about it, the more things seemed to confuse him, and he continued to spiral.
He kicked the sheets up and shoved his legs underneath them, balling them up in his fists and yanking them over his shoulders. He rolled onto his back and willed himself to sleep, even though he knew it wouldn't come, no matter how exhausted he was. It never did.
He squeezed his eyes shut. "I just want it to stop," he whispered to the empty room. "I just want it all to stop…"
He wanted to stop feeling. He wanted to stop trying. He wanted to stop striving to achieve something, only to be told that he'd never be good enough. He wanted to stop being compared to people. He wanted to stop trying to fit other people's models for who they thought he should be. He wanted to stop being criticized and scrutinized and cut down by anyone and everyone he was trying to impress. He wanted to stop feeling guilty. He wanted to stop questioning everything. He wanted to stop doubting everything. He just wanted to stop.
He slid out of bed, unable to stay in one place anymore. He paced around his room, trying to keep himself from destroying everything he saw. He clenched and unclenched his fists, gritting his teeth painfully. He bit down hard on his lip to keep from crying out in frustration and anger. He wouldn't lose control. He wouldn't lose control. He wouldn't lose control.
His breathing sped up and his heart felt like it was about to pound out of his chest. He swallowed hard, like doing so could force down everything he was feeling, like it could shove every unwanted emotion into a box and lock it. He tried counting down from ten, but instead of helping him, the slow pace only irritated him more. Nothing seemed to be working. He wanted a release. He needed a release.
He wouldn't lose control. He wouldn't lose control. He wouldn't lose control.
He finally raised his hand, unable to control himself anymore-
Then, despite everything, he felt an inexplicable calm wash over him. It was as if by some miracle the Force had heard and answered him with a moment of peace where everything stopped.
He quit pacing immediately. To say he was shocked was an understatement; it was the most unprecedented feeling he'd ever experienced in his life. It was unsettling just how peaceful he felt, but the weird thing was, it was almost like it wasn't him feeling it. Or maybe he was feeling it through someone else because his despair was definitely still there, it was just masked by this incomprehensible peace. The only way he could even manage to describe the feeling to himself was it was like he was meditating without even realizing it.
He sat down on his bed heavily, running a shaky hand through his hair. He took a deep breath, trying to soak in the peace. What was happening to him? Was this what it was like to go crazy? If it was, he decided he wouldn't mind it so much. At least it dulled everything down to a dizzying numbness.
He sat on his bed, staring blankly at the wall opposite him, unsure of what he should do, and afraid that if he did do anything it would disappear. He resorted to just enjoying it while it lasted.
A few minutes later, it stopped just as quickly as it had started.
Kylo, though slightly unnerved by the feeling, longed for it to come back. It had been the only time he'd even felt remotely calm since that night, and he was sad to see it end. He waited to see if by some miracle it did come back, but, when ten minutes had passed and he still felt nothing, he gave up hope of the blissful feeling returning. So, he lay back down and closed his eyes, trying to hold on to the fading aftereffects of the peacefulness to help lull him into a light and restless sleep.