Obviously I don't own James Bond. I do own the others (Dr Effoff – F off
geddit? Boom boom...) and the plot, short though it is. Enjoy!
* * * * *
In the evil guys secret lair...
Dr Effoff: So Mr Bond, we meet again.
Guy with fatal hat/ Biggeer: (chuckles in the corner)
James Bond: Yes, we do. I'm sorry - I don't remember where your bathroom is?
Dr Effoff: This is no time for the toilet Bond!
James Bond: OK OK - sorry I asked. (suddenly shouts cunningly) I'll never tell you my mission! Never!
Blond bad girl and Brunette bad girl enter.
Incenta: Hello James. Nice to see you again. I'm sure we'll enjoy watching you die.
Remarka: Yes, the laser is the best way to die, although I've heard its the most painful.
Bonds admirer and secret helper (who didn't actually help him but held him back)/ Forréd is tied to a wall which revolves, showing her there.
Forréd: James!
Bond pretends not to hear her and looks at Tom M/Dr Effoff
Bond: You can't make me talk!
Dr Effoff: I don't want you to talk Bond, I want you to die. And, die you shall.
Bond: How do you plan to do that then wise guy?
Incenta: Ah! My machine. May I explain Doctor?
Dr Effoff nods
Incenta: You see James, the pure vulgarity of this girl is obvious, she gestures to Forréd, Bond nods yes, her forehead. The offensive obesity, the vastness, of it, is enough to reflect the rays of the sun. Not only that, but it can reflect enough rays for a laser - Yes! My laser! I could rule the world with it, the pure simplicity. I simply reflect the rays of the sun off her head, then through the diamond, which Biggeer, Biggeer smiles and rocks on his heels took off you in the hotel. Now Bond, any last words?
Ross/Bond: Yes. he turns to Forréd Why wouldn't you let that doctor perform a simple operation, why keep the size?
Forréd: Because I wanted to stand out James. Because I love you. Because otherwise I wouldn't be in the Guinness book of records for having the largest forehead known to mankind. But James, James! I love you James!
Remarka: I don't suppose you have any last requests either?
Bond: Actually, I do have one request... But can you guarantee that it will come true?
Remarka: Pretty much, yeah.
Bond: Right then. I don't want to die. I want to join you lot in your mission to conquer the world. I want to rise and be evil too – and I can get you inside information from the good guys – how about it, huh?
Incenta: Hey! That's a pretty good offer – but is it too good to be true?
Dr Effoff: Sure. It's good. Anyway, if I find out he's still working loyally to them, I'll kill him. OK Bond?
Bond: Yes! Oh goody! Or should that be baddy he he he... bang! Bond falls to the floor
Forréd: James! A second shot rings out. Forréd slumps forward. Incenta and Remarka look shocked
Dr Effoff: Don't worry. Bond's only tranquillised. But I shot Forréd with an actual bullet.
Incenta and Remarka cheer. A giant snow leopard leaps into Dr Effoff 's arms and is stroked by all.
THE END
* * * * *
In the evil guys secret lair...
Dr Effoff: So Mr Bond, we meet again.
Guy with fatal hat/ Biggeer: (chuckles in the corner)
James Bond: Yes, we do. I'm sorry - I don't remember where your bathroom is?
Dr Effoff: This is no time for the toilet Bond!
James Bond: OK OK - sorry I asked. (suddenly shouts cunningly) I'll never tell you my mission! Never!
Blond bad girl and Brunette bad girl enter.
Incenta: Hello James. Nice to see you again. I'm sure we'll enjoy watching you die.
Remarka: Yes, the laser is the best way to die, although I've heard its the most painful.
Bonds admirer and secret helper (who didn't actually help him but held him back)/ Forréd is tied to a wall which revolves, showing her there.
Forréd: James!
Bond pretends not to hear her and looks at Tom M/Dr Effoff
Bond: You can't make me talk!
Dr Effoff: I don't want you to talk Bond, I want you to die. And, die you shall.
Bond: How do you plan to do that then wise guy?
Incenta: Ah! My machine. May I explain Doctor?
Dr Effoff nods
Incenta: You see James, the pure vulgarity of this girl is obvious, she gestures to Forréd, Bond nods yes, her forehead. The offensive obesity, the vastness, of it, is enough to reflect the rays of the sun. Not only that, but it can reflect enough rays for a laser - Yes! My laser! I could rule the world with it, the pure simplicity. I simply reflect the rays of the sun off her head, then through the diamond, which Biggeer, Biggeer smiles and rocks on his heels took off you in the hotel. Now Bond, any last words?
Ross/Bond: Yes. he turns to Forréd Why wouldn't you let that doctor perform a simple operation, why keep the size?
Forréd: Because I wanted to stand out James. Because I love you. Because otherwise I wouldn't be in the Guinness book of records for having the largest forehead known to mankind. But James, James! I love you James!
Remarka: I don't suppose you have any last requests either?
Bond: Actually, I do have one request... But can you guarantee that it will come true?
Remarka: Pretty much, yeah.
Bond: Right then. I don't want to die. I want to join you lot in your mission to conquer the world. I want to rise and be evil too – and I can get you inside information from the good guys – how about it, huh?
Incenta: Hey! That's a pretty good offer – but is it too good to be true?
Dr Effoff: Sure. It's good. Anyway, if I find out he's still working loyally to them, I'll kill him. OK Bond?
Bond: Yes! Oh goody! Or should that be baddy he he he... bang! Bond falls to the floor
Forréd: James! A second shot rings out. Forréd slumps forward. Incenta and Remarka look shocked
Dr Effoff: Don't worry. Bond's only tranquillised. But I shot Forréd with an actual bullet.
Incenta and Remarka cheer. A giant snow leopard leaps into Dr Effoff 's arms and is stroked by all.
THE END