The Start of the Beginning
I wake up screaming for my dead sister.
"Prim!" I shriek. "Prim! No! Don't go near those children!" But it's too late. It will always be too late.
I take in my surroundings. My blue comforter, the light blue sheets tangled around my legs and drenched in my sweat, my bureau topped with earring studs and some makeup that I never use, my closet full of clothes I haven't worn since the war. My room. Not the Capitol. No vibrant flames eating away at my hair or exploding parachutes.
After I have established where I am and how I got here (how would everyone else get inside their beds in their pajamas?), I take off the covers and sit on the bed. I don't want to remember the dream. The dream would just bring painful flashbacks that I am not able to handle without Peeta. But no matter how I try to forget, every time I close my eyes, I see my horrible nightmare appear again. I can feel the heat radiating off the fire, I can feel the pain flowing throughout my body as I burn alive. But what I feel most is the pain of losing my loving and only sister again and again.
Finally, I can't take it anymore. I get off the bed and go downstairs to the living room. I put on my boots and coat over my pajamas and head outside to Peeta's house. I'm on the cement path that leads to his front door when I see the kitchen light on. Instead of going to the front door, I went to the backyard and stood outside the window.
I guess Peeta can't sleep either. When he can't sleep, he bakes. When I can't sleep, I get up and go to the woods. Not to hunt, to just walk around. I love walking around in the forest. It puts me at ease. It reminds me of happier times before the war with my father. Things were bad, of course, but they took a turn for the worst when my father died.
Unexpectedly, tears spring to my eyes as I think of my father. This has happened many times before but the tears stop after a few seconds. This time, they didn't stop.
I toppled into Peeta's kitchen a few minutes later, startling him. He took one look at me and came running. He took me into his arms and practically carried me to the nearest chair. He didn't ask what happened; he already knew. Another bad dream, just like him.
He let me cry all I wanted. He just sat there with me in his lap and held me. He brushed my hair out of my face and wipes some tears from my eyes. He occasionally kissed my forehead and comforted me with whispered words. This is what I craved, what I needed. I just wanted to cry my eyes out in frustration, anger, and sadness for all the things I've seen in my short eighteen years of life. I didn't want to say anything and I didn't want other people to say anything. Peeta was the perfect person.
Gale couldn't give me this. He would try to coax out what I didn't want to say. He would say that it was the Capitol's fault that Prim died but I know the truth and so does he. In the end, I got tired of blaming people and he eventually got the idea. He moved to District 2 after a while. I haven't heard of him since.
After I finished crying and wailing, I turned around to look at him. He looked down at me with those loving blue eyes of his. There was still a shadow of doubt in his eyes like he wasn't sure if he loved me or not. The poison had affected him this much. He forgot how much he loved me and how much I truly loved him.
Truth? I wasn't sure if I loved him. We went through a lot together; two years of the Games, a civil war, and the flesh-eating press. During these times, I thought that I was really acting, that I didn't love him but when the Capitol kidnapped him and put the tracker jacker poison in him, I broke. I realized I couldn't be without Peeta if he was gone. I couldn't stand to look at him slowly dying when the Capitol aired those interviews he did with Caesar Flickerman. But when they got him back, when I first saw him, I couldn't believe it. My Peeta, the one I loved, was gone. And it was even more confusing when I accepted that so easily. I felt so emotionless.
And Gale. Everything was just so confusing whenever I kissed Peeta and felt guilty as I thought of Gale. I think I thought that if I wasn't chosen in the reaping, Gale and I would have gotten married, had kids, and maybe even have run away together. But now there are a bunch of what ifs and not enough of why not's.
Thinking about my confusion makes me cry even more and Peeta winds his arms around me tighter. This makes me even more guilty. He puts his arms around me and I'm thinking about Gale! But Gale was my best friend. He would understand if I told him. I will never tell him though.
The timer rings, signaling that the loaf of bread is ready to be taken out. I slide off his lap and sit in the chair next to him. He gets up and puts on the oven mitts. He doesn't say anything while he works. He takes the bread out of the oven and puts it on the stove to cool. He then kneads another batch of bread and puts it in a mold and pops it in the oven. In no time, he sits down next to me again and puts his arms around me.
I love watching him bake. He has a concentrated look on his face. He purses his lips a little and scrunches his nose. His eyes crinkle at the edges and he narrows them slightly. His hands are hard and callused but know how to wrap them around me and make me feel safe. They have carried heavy sacks of flour and have endured the burning hot sensation of the oven but they are still beautiful in every way. His body moves in tune with his mind. He is so amazing. He's mesmerizing to watch.
Why do I even deny that I don't love Peeta? Of course I love him! He's always been there for me, through the highs and the low, the dead and the living. He's been to hell and back with me. I don't know why I have denied it. It's so obvious. So obvious that my face has become incredulous.
"Katniss?" Peeta asks gently. "What's wrong?"
Should I tell him? I'm scared to tell him. What if he doesn't love me back? What if Snow's poison affected him too much to remember his feelings for him? But he has to say it back. If not, what will I do?
"Peeta," I start to say after a few minutes. "I want to tell you how grateful I am to have you here with me. I jus-"
"No, Katniss," he interrupts gently. "Don't say it before I do."
"But this might be the only time where I'm alive enough to say it," I said fervently. I take a deep breath and start again. "Ever since the war, I've been dead inside. I keep waking up from horrible nightmares about-" I shudder. "-the war, the Games, and…and Prim." I whisper Prim's name. "But I don't want to dream about them. I don't want to suffer anymore."
He grimaced and shuddered when I said I suffered but I had to move on. "But sometimes, I don't have any dreams or any flashbacks. But that's only when I'm with you." His grimace turned into a small, warm smile. "Don't you see, Peeta? It's you! You're the reason I don't suffer. You're the only person that gets to see some of my rare smiles. You help me forget everything just by being next to me. Peeta," I smile and start to tear up. "Peeta, I love you."
"Katniss," he whispers my name as tears start to roll down his cheeks. He leans his forehead against mine. "I love you, too. You don't know how long I've wanted to say that. I just didn't know if what I felt was real or not. But now I do. I love you." He closes the gap between us and kisses me.
His lips taste exactly like him, like the oven and sweet frosting. This kiss felt nothing like the kisses we first shared. This one felt like the one on the beach during the second Hunger Games. I felt something bubble near my stomach and rise up to my chest only to spread out throughout my body. I felt so alive. Like I could float but Peeta was my anchor. I knew I wouldn't go anywhere as long as he was here with me.
Unconsciously, I tangle my fingers in his hair and pull him closer. He opens his lips a little and licks my bottom lip. I moan as I inhale his sweet breath. He tilts his head a little, deepening the kiss. His hands are everywhere; in my hair, on my face, running up and down my arms and back. They leave a hot trail wherever they touch. He moans at our closeness and pulls me closer. I wrap my legs around his hips, straddling him. Our actions became less gentle and more feverish. I could feel his hard lump against my legs and it only spurred me on. I reached between us and tried to unzip his jeans.
"No," Peeta stopped my hands. "I don't want to do this here. I want it to be special." He whispered against my lips.
Reluctantly, I nodded and wrapped my thin arms around his neck. He pulled me impossibly closer and held me tight against him, like to make sure I was real. I had a hard time grasping the same thought. Was he really here with me or was he only doing this to hurt me? A part of me wanted to break away from him and run but the bigger part of me, the rational side, told me to stay and trust him. So I did. I stayed with him; my arms wrapped around him, and slowly started falling asleep.
When I woke up, it was about noon and I was in Peeta's bed. He had carried me here sometime after our encounter. I rolled over and smiled when I saw him lying next to me. He looked so young when he was asleep. I quietly lifted my hand to swipe away the golden blond hair in his eyes. He awoke to my soft feather-light touch.
"Hey," he whispered. "How long have you been up?"
"Not too long," I replied. "I slept quite well actually. I'm not tired at all."
"Really?" he said. "So no nightmares?"
"None at all," I whispered with a smile. "I told you. You're the only one who can make everything better."
He smiled lovingly at me. "And you're the one who I can't live without. I love you."
"I love you, too," I said back. My small smile stretched into a huge grin when he bent down and kissed me.
"What time is it?" he asked me.
"Umm… I think it's about noon," I answered, still amazed by the kiss.
"We better get going then. We both have things to do," he said with a frown.
"No," I whispered. I wasn't about to let him go just yet. "I want to stay right here in this bed with you for a little while longer. Please?" I gave him puppy eyes, something I knew I didn't need to do when he would do anything I asked him.
"Okay, Katniss. I'll stay here with you," Peeta promised. "Always."