It hurts to stay.
Misaki's POV
'This is not the first time i've felt like this and it's not the last. It hurts just as much to show how i actually feel even toward usagi. I can't even do this anymore.' I thought to myself as i locked myself away in my room. At the time usagi had an interview to go to and won't be back until later in the day. Going through a box i've kept for a while to keep memories on held a razor and a pills. I pick up the razor and drew it to my skin as it slid cross my wrist. The pain felt udderly good, it made me feel happy. It made me feel important. As i drew it on my wrist for a few more lines, the blood poured down on my desk and green shirt. I placed it back in my box and hid it back in my drawer and locked it as i placed the key back under my bed.
"11:40 pm" i said as i looked at the clock waiting for Usagi's arrival.
In that time i walked back down stairs. After changing my clothes into something without blood stains. It was just a pair of green pajamas. 'I guess Usagi won't be back until later, again.' i thought to myself, soon cleaning up the kitchen and placing the food in the fridge. Forgetting that i haven't ate anything, 'i'm not hungry any ways…' I glared at the time once more.
"11:45 pm" And he is still not home.
With a shrug of my shoulders i turned off the lights down stairs as i walked back up to my room and sat at my desk. Everything seems to be going so slow, I glance to my bed. 'When was the last time i slept…' i thought, not that anyone would care anyway. My body felt so limp, and useless. It's not like Usagi won't want me to wait for him but this staying out is getting annoying even if its about work, Not to mention i lost my cool at work and haven't been too well. But who'd care.
"I'm home!" I heard from downstairs, must be usagi…
I make my way down to the living room, Where i seen usagi. He looked tired and annoyed.
"How was work." I Spoke as i helped him with his coat.
"A pain in the ass, but now that i finished all of it i get to spend more time with my misaki. " He said as he hugged me from behind as i placed his coat on the rack.
"Stop, you should get some rest." I said mentally tired.
"I'll make sure to-" Before usagi could finish the phone rang. He excused himself and went to the phone.
"Ah, Takahiro, how's it been…" Usagi spoken to my brother as i stood there patiently. After a few minutes later he said goodbye to him.
"What'd he say?" I asked as usagi turned around.
"He'd ask if they'd be able to come over and visit for the weekend along with mahiro." Usagi spoken out as he placed a cigarette in his mouth and lit it.
"Oh, alright well you should get to bed we have a lot to do tomorrow." I said as i looked at usagi.
"Misaki are you-" I cut him off
"I'm fine just tired, night." I said with a fake smile and went to my room.
I felt like i barely know him anymore it's just weird now takahiro does not know about us but he seems to care. But why can't i just seem to keep myself under control. I miss how we used to be and i miss my parents…
I hate living like this…
That morning…
Narrators POV
Misaki could not get any sleep that night. He just couldn't he just lied awake. He didn't wanna see anyone he didn't wanna even see mihiro or Takahiro or even his brothers wife. But he had to. As misaki got up and wandered over to his wardrobe to get a pair of clothes out to wear, and soon after went down stairs and started to cook breakfast.
Usagi could just about smell it in his sleep from smell could wake almost any one to wanna get up and eat.
Misaki couldn't doubt that he knew usagi would get up to eat he just had a feeling. It had to of been 20 minutes of him cooking and Usagi was already up and ready to eat. Misaki watched as Usagi came down the stairs with his bear, and sat down at the table.
"Coffee?" Misaki asked as he placed Usagi's plate down at the table.
"Yeah." Usagi nodded as he watched as misaki slowly got coffee, two cups misaki placed one in front of Usagi and one for himself.
"Thankyou." Usagi said.
"It's fine." Misaki spoke as he drank his coffee.
"Only coffee?" Usagi questioned wondering why misaki only having coffee instead of food.
"I ate earlier." Misaki lied but honestly didn't feel like eating.
"Oh." Usagi spoke as he continued to eat, soon finishing it.
Once Usagi finished Misaki took his plate and started on the dishes, As usagi placed his head on misaki's shoulder and wrapped his arms around misaki's hips.
"U-Usagi?" Misaki asked slightly getting tense.
"Misaki…" Usagi spoke as he turned misaki's face to meet Usagi's until the doorbell rang.
"Ugh…" Usagi groaned as he went to the front door leaving misaki to the dishes. As Usagi opened the door it appeared to be Takahiro and his family.
"Morning Usagi." Takahiro said happily while holding a few bags.
"Unagi!" Shouted mahiro as his mother who was carrying him waved.
"Ah, Morning come in." Usagi smiled as he moved to allow them to come in.
Once misaki finished the dishes he turned to see who the visitors were. His Brother.
"Mitaki!Mitaki!" Mahiro shouted as he ran up to Misaki, misaki looked down at him giving a sad smile as he patted his head.
"Are you being a good boy for you're mommy and daddy?" Misaki asked mihiro.
"Yah!" Mahiro smiled as he reached his hands up for Misaki to pick him up without thinking misaki picked him up and mahiro hugged him.
"Ha, alright, alright." Misaki hugged him back before putting him down.
As misaki looked to where his brother and sister in law were he could feel his self frown. He didn't want him to be here, he didn't want any of them there. But he had to play it cool and show that he wanted them there.
"Hey misaki." Spoke Takahiro as he smiled and walked toward misaki and gave him a hug.
"Hey." Misaki as he hugged takahiro back, as he soon released takahiro.
As they all went along to sit around Usagi's home misaki excused himself as he continued to clean the house including his own room. It was soon pretty late when he got finished with cleaning. 4:25 in the afternoon.
Few minutes pass
Misaki's POV
"Misaki?" I hear a person from outside my door, in a hurry i put the small box away in a rush forgetting to lock it as i threw my key behind my bed.
"Y-Yeah?" Covering my arm after cutting once again, the blood stained my jacket so i rushed and changed.
"Mahiro fell asleep and Usagi said i could place him in you're room." Takahiro spoke as i opened up the door.
"Y-Yeah sure." I said taking mahiro from him and placing him in my bed.
"I was also thinking about the three of us, me you and usagi go and get some drinks and catch up." He spoke, all i did was nod.
"What about your wife?" i Asked grabbing my jacket.
"She's tired so she'll be watching mahiro." Takahiro spoke as we made our way down stairs where we meet up with Usagi who was already dressed at the front door.
"You ready?" Asked usagi i'm surprised at myself that i actually feel like going out.
"Yeah." i nodded as i finished and placed on my shoes.
Narrator POV
As the three men made there way to the nearest bar, the towns lights sparkled through the night. The town always looked nice at night and it was nicer watching it with someone, but even so that was never gonna happen tonight. Misaki wanted to be alone with usagi, nothing more. It pissed him off.
"Were here." Usagi said getting out the car, following him came misaki and takahiro. The three made it into the bar and sat down.
"What can i get you boys?" A lady with a pink and blue outfit and red hair smile.
"I'll take a beer." Takahiro said in response.
"I'll just have Wine." Usagi said after Takahiro.
"What about you sir?" She asked Misaki.
"Your hardest liquor and keep it raw." Misaki said as he brushed his hair out of his face, as she walked away to get there items. Usagi and Takahiro looked at misaki.
"What was that?" Takahiro asked misaki.
"What?" Misaki said clueless.
"You rarely drink misaki…" Usagi spoke in concern.
"You guys just never drank with me before." Misaki spoke looking around.
"You mean you drank before?" Takahiro questioned.
"Yeah but just wine." Misaki said fiddling with his shirt, Takahiro just nodded and placed another subject on the table.
"How's work been for the two of you?" Takahiro asked.
"Pretty good i guess could have been better." Usagi shrugged as he grabbed a cigarette from his pocket.
"Same as always…" Takahiro laughed to himself, as Usagi handed him a cigarette and lit it as misaki watched them talk away.
"Usagi." Misaki interrupted.
"Yeah?" Usagi spoke in question as a stream of smoke came from his mouth.
"Give me a cigarette too." Misaki said, making the other two silent.
"..." Usagi said nothing in concern and just handed a cigarette to misaki.
"Thanks." Misaki said as he grabbed his own lighter from his pocket and lit his cigarette.
"Here's your drinks."She said as she sat them at their table.
"Thanks." They thanked as they grabbed their drinks.
Without thinking misaki took his glass and pressed the cup up to his mouth and started drinking it like it was water. Misaki was never the person to drink anything or smoke but after all the stress he had gone through had to be controlled some how and to him cutting was not enough. When drinking and smoking seemed to help keep his mind off of bullshit and pain.
"Can i get another drink?" misaki asked as he pressed the cigarette to his lips and breathed in the smoke and exhaled it.
1:20 in the morning. And misaki had drank almost 14 bottles.
"Misaki you need to stop drinking we need to go home."Takahiro spoke as he lifted misaki out of the chair.
"Usagi...i dun wanna go." Misaki wined lifting another cigarette to his mouth and tried to light it.
"Stop that." Usagi said as he lifted misaki over his shoulder.
"Damn it…" Misaki cursed to himself, as they made it to the car and misaki was placed in the back seat.
"Let's get going." Said Usagi, as he started the car and made his way out of the driveway.
"Usagiii!" Misaki whined as he kicked the back of his seat like a child.
"Stop that misaki!" Yelled Usagi, as Takahiro looked at misaki in the back seat.
"I don't wanna go home!" Misaki cried he could feel himself getting upset, So instead of whining he placed his hand in his mouth and bit his hand to calm himself.
"What are you doing!" Takahiro yelled as he pulled misaki's hand from his mouth.
"Don't you fucking touch me!" He cried his hand started bleeding, as usagi drove and made it to the condo.
Usagi got out the car and got misaki out of the back set and held him misaki wrapped his arms around usagi and placed his head on usagi's shoulder. Misaki felt limp he felt tired but couldn't sleep he felt like he could not eat nor feel anything. Misaki hung onto usagi as they entered the door while Takahiro held misaki's phone and placed it on the counter as they took off their shoes. Usagi had to help Misaki take off his own.
"I'm gonna go to bed...hopefully misaki is better in the morning…" Takahiro spoke making it to misaki's room, Usagi watched as he went up.
"Night.." Usagi spoke until he felt Misaki hug on Usagi for support as he took misaki to his room full of toys.
"Usagi…" Misaki spoken weakly as he was carried up to Usagi's room as he was placed on the bed.
"What?" Usagi spoke as he started to go through clothes long with a long oversize shirt for misaki, and then walked toward misaki with the clothes to change him
"Don't touch me!" Misaki yelled as usagi tried to take off his shirt, He'd be able to see misaki's scars.
"Why not im just trying to change you." Usagi said as Misaki fought him off until Usagi pinned him down by his arms.
"Stop!"Misaki yelled once again as Usagi finally pulled his shirt off revealing bandage arms.
"Misaki what is this?" Usagi asked looking at his arms wondering what was behind the bandages.
"I was cooking… and spilled a boiling pot on both of my arms…" Misaki said trying to hide his lie.
"Then why didn't you tell me?" He asked suspicious.
"Because you were working and i didn't wanna bother ya." Misaki lied plainly but it seems believable.
"Really?..." Usagi asked feeling the bandage, making misaki shudder.
"Yeah." Misaki said as he looked down, as usagi placed his shirt on misaki.
2:50 am
Usagi scooted over next to misaki as the he fell asleep leaving misaki to lie awake, it was obvious that usagi didn't let it slide that easily. It had to of been something worse. But With Usagi sleep misaki could do nothing more but lay down silently, he couldn't stand it he wanted to cut more he wanted to hurt himself even more he wanted to force pain on himself and make himself know what he deserved.
"Hmm…" Usagi hummed as he rolled to his side as misaki slipped out from the bed.
Misaki headed towards his room, as he slowly opened the door, and saw his brother and nephew sleep. Misaki kept the door slightly open so he could slip out without any noise, slowly going toward his box that laid on his table, he huffed and opened it, grabbed his razor lifting usagi's shirt and placed his razor rough on his shoulder slowly but painfully dragged it across the skin, and he kept doing it to each arm front and back,misaki groaned in pain.
"Hah...ughh.." Misaki whimpered silently, as he took the box with him out the room as he trailed blood down from his arms from the room to downstairs.
Misaki could feel the blood trickle down his arms it felt udderly good, He couldn't help it he wanted more...more...and more. He sat down on the couch and took out a cigarette from usagi's coat that had been laying next to him. He lit it and placed it in his mouth and took a long drag from it, as he continued with his cutting, losing space on his arms he moved down to his legs and slit a hard cuts on his legs until he heard a voice upstairs.
"Mitaki?" A voice trialed from upstairs, Mahiro?! Misaki nearly froze in place as he saw Mihiro slowly walking down the stairs.
"M-Mihiro?!" Misaki yelled in surprize, as mihiro stopped in place and looked at misaki, blood pooling down misaki's legs and arms and an insane look in his eyes.
"Hurt! Mitaki Hurt!" Mihiro screamed, running back upstairs to misaki's room.
"MIHIRO NO!" Misaki yelled back he couldn't move from all the blood he lost from his arms and legs he had no strength.
As mihiro shouted for his parents and usagi misaki's heart pounded in his chest he needed to do something, so the most reasonable thing to do was to suffocate himself, as misaki placed his hands around his neck he tightened his grip around his neck as he heard rushing coming down stairs, there was Takahiro and Usagi as Mihiro's mom held her crying son.
"MISAKI!" Shouted Takahiro and Usagi as the two of them ram toward misaki, misaki's grip got tighter around his neck.
The two older men rushed to pull misaki's hands from his neck it was utterly painful to watch blood dripped from misaki's legs and arms as Takahiro and Usagi both got misaki's hands from his neck, as misaki huffed heavily in anger.
"WHAT THE HELL IS ALL OF THIS MISAKI?!" Usagi yelled as he pulled his arms in front of his own face.
"WHAT THE FUCK MISAKI!" His brother said in response looking at misaki's thighs
"..." Misaki couldn't even manage anything out his eyes stayed bloodshot.
"YOU BETTER FUCKING ANSWER ME!" Usagi yelled gripping Misaki's bandage arm, as misaki unravelled his arms from the bandage's and shown out his arms that were swarm with cuts, everyone grew silent.
"IS THIS WHAT YOU FUCKING WANTED?! WELL IS IT?! TELL ME!" Misaki yelled as his eyes blurred with tears, everything burned with pain everything was horrible.
"I JUST WANTED THIS PAIN TO END...I-I...IT HURTS WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?!...W-WHY...I JUST WANT IT TO END!" Misaki yelled as his legs burned with pain as Usagi and takahiro looked with shock and hurt, not knowing how long misaki had been hurting, misaki just looked at usagi with tears as he raised his weak arms toward usagi.
"W-why can't i just be held...U-Usagi...please...h-hold me...P-please...hold me i don't wanna feel like this anymore...Usagi-san…" Misaki Cried as Usagi slowly walked toward misaki and entangled his arms round misaki's torso and held misaki.
"...Misaki…" Usagi spoke sadly and worried as he felt misaki's tears on his shoulder.
"U-Usagi...Takahiro...Nii-chan...Mahiro...i'm sorry…" Misaki whimped silently as Takahiro rubbed misaki's head.
"Idiot...don't be sorry it's nothing that you need to apologize for we'll get you the help you need...Don't worry."Usagi whispered as he kissed misaki's forehead.
END…..?
If you want anymore i'd love to write more thanks for reading.