After the kiss
I can pin point the exact moment I feel in love with Beca Mitchell.
It wasn't when I first seen her at fair day. Sure I had seen her and was taken with the way she looked, she was walking around like she didn't care what anybody thought of her and that was rare, most people always seem to be trying to impress somebody, even if they didn't know who that person was yet, but not her. Even though Aubrey objected to me talking to her about joining the Bellas, I couldn't help myself. I just had to try and talk to her.
I tried really hard to talk her into joining the Bellas which she thought was a stupid idea, but I kept talking, maybe even rambling, but I needed to hold her attention. I needed to keep looking into those deep dark blue eyes. Eventually she told me that she didn't sing and started walking away. I was disappointed when she turned and walked away but what could I do. I stole one last glance at the back of her and tried to tune in to what Aubrey was saying.
The girl had been on my mind on and off over the next couple of days and wondered if I would run into her again. As luck would have it, I was in the showers a few days later with Tom having a late night booty call when I heard someone walk in into the showers. She was singing. I listen for a little bit captivated by her voice and heard her turn on the shower as she kept singing. Music and singing were the things I loved most in the world so without thinking I left Tom in the shower without even a word because I was drawn to that voice.
I couldn't help myself, I pulled back the shower curtain and stepped into her shower. It was her, the girl, I couldn't believe it. She had a fantastic voice and I startled her by saying "You can sing?" She was completely shocked to find someone standing in her shower with her, not to mention that I was as naked as she was. I managed to convince her to sing for me by sort of saying that I wouldn't leave the shower till she did. She was reluctant at first but she could see I wasn't going to cave, so she started singing. I had to sing with her and oh my god our voices sounded perfect together. I felt something then, I knew I did and I knew that she felt something as well because as we sang, she forgot that she was standing in the shower naked singing with a stranger.
Tom was forgotten about completely as I stood there smiling at the girl. I could have stood there all night and made music with her but Tom was obviously feeling a little bit left out and barged in on our moment and the spell was broken.
I was so embarrassed that Tom had barged in that I called out that I would see her at auditions as I ran out of her shower. I grabbed my clothes because the last thing I wanted to do now was to spend time with Tom. And as I left the shower block I remembered I had forgot to ask her name, hopefully she would come to auditions and I would get a chance to fix that. And even though she had definitely stirred something in me, something I had never felt before, I can honestly say this isn't when I fell in love with Beca.
The exact moment I fell in love with Beca Mitchell was when she did indeed turn up for the Bella's auditions. As soon as I spotted her in the wings of the stage I got all warm and fuzzy. I was so happy to see her that I told her that she could sing anything she wanted, and as she sat crossed leg in front of me and sang while making a beat with a cup and her hands, I knew then that I was a goner.
I couldn't believe that I had to talk Aubrey into letting Beca in the Bellas. She was clearly the best singer that had auditioned, but Aubrey just couldn't let go of whatever dislike she felt for Beca. But for once I stood up to her and wouldn't let up until she gave in and let Beca in the Bellas.
Ok so, at this time I guess I didn't know that I was in love with Beca because let's face it, I had never been in love before and I can honestly say I had never been attracted to another female before. So this was all very new to me. But I did know that I needed her to be a part of my life and getting her in the Bellas was the best way I could think of in doing that, and at least this way, I would have an excuse to see her every day. And Beca has been the only person that has made me want to fight against Aubrey on something and not just let her have her way. And this wasn't a bad thing.
I didn't know what Beca was doing to me. Well not doing to me because Beca was just being Beca. She was the strangest person I had ever met. You could tell that she was someone who chose to keep people at arm's length. She never let anybody in. She would watch people, she was a people watcher, using those deep dark blue eyes of her to watch everything around her.
She was the complete opposite of me. I would invade people's personal space without thinking about it. I would hug people just because it made me feel good and I would try and always see the good in people. But when it came to Beca, I knew I couldn't do that straight away. I would have to take my time. I couldn't take my eyes off her. I would watch her all the time and try to work out what was going on in that head of hers. But lucky for me that I am me, I found that my need to touch Beca all the time was well hidden behind the fact that I had to teach her the dance routine.
At initiation night I was watching her again. I saw that she was talking to the Treble Maker called Jessie and I found myself being jealous. This was a new emotion for me, one that I hadn't experienced before. So as soon as I seen that she was alone I had to go up and talk to her. And it wasn't just enough to talk to her, I grabbed her hands and almost pulled her in for a kiss. But somehow I managed to control myself and stop right before I did.
What was wrong with me? I ran my hands up and down her arms and wiggled my butt at her. I was SO losing the plot. I really needed to get a grip on things so after I left her I went to find Tom in the crowd and started making out with him just to prove I was still into guys.
At rehearsals I was finding it harder and harder to keep my hands off her. I would step up right behind her and press my body into the back of her and grab her hands and guide them in the movements they needed to be making. I did try and do this with the other girls as well, ok so maybe I wasn't pressing myself up against them when I helped them but I did try to help the other girls so that it wouldn't look obvious that I just wanted to touch Beca.
Don't get me wrong I really liked all the other girls in our group, they just didn't have the same affect on me as Beca did. There was Fat Amy the Australian who would make me laugh by telling me stories about Tasmania and there was Cynthia Rose who had a brilliant voice and made me laugh just by watching her prev at Stacie another one of our recruits. So apart from Beca, I would say that Fat Amy was my next favorite because not only did she make me laugh she was brutally honest in everything she said. And I liked that about people.
I supposed I became a little bit of a stalker. Not a scary one but one just the same. I knew that Beca had a hard time letting people in so I just sort of made myself available for her to accidently keep bumping into. I wanted to get pass those walls and this was the best way I could think of doing it.
And as weeks went by, I could see these walls start to fall. Instead of accidently on purpose running into her, we actually started making plans to meet up. She no longer froze when I touched her and there was even times where she imitated contact by nudging me when I was paying out on her. I would drop by the Radio station and bring her something to eat on her break, she'd drop by with a coffee for me when she knew I was studying to help me keep awake. The more time we spent together the more our personal space was decreasing.
We started spending more and more time together and each time Beca would no longer be defensive or protecting of herself. I got to know the real Beca. And the more I got to know the real Beca Mitchell the more I fell in love. What was there not to love, she had the same passion for music that I did, but she was better at understanding it, she had a great sense of humor that people didn't get to see because all she would show them was the smart arse side of herself, she had the deepest darkest blue eyes that I had ever seen and she was beautiful inside and out.
When we walked places together, I would always link my arm with hers. At first I could feel her stiffen next to me but now she holds her arm out for me to take. I knew she hated watching movies which was a shame cause I liked watching them, but we found a happy medium by watching sitcoms. We would spend nights watching Friends because we both loved that show. As the weeks went on our nights together were getting later and later. So I guess that's how our sleepovers first started. She was in my room at the Bella's house and it got late, really late. Beca was going to have to walk back to the dorms where the first years had to stay. I told her that there was not point going back to her room because it was dangerous for her to walk back alone so I would have to walk her there and then walk back here alone. It just didn't make sense
So we decided that it would just be easier to sleep over and go home in the morning. It was a little odd at first, well it was for me anyway. Knowing that I was going to be sleeping in the same bed as someone I was in love with and them not knowing that I was in love with them. So the first few nights that this happened we both made sure that we stayed to our own side of the bed. I was scared that if I accidently touched her that's she may run at a hundred miles an hour away from me. But that didn't last too long. We were soon waking up in each other's arms, either spooning or just with arms or legs entangled with each others.
Each time this happened, it was getting harder for me. Having her this close and not being able to touch her in the way I wanted. I mean having her head pressed up against my neck and feeling her breathe against my skin was driving me insane. But at least I got to have her in my arms, even if it wasn't in the way I wanted.
Beca seemed to have completely taken over both my mind and body. I was still scared about the way I felt about her because I never knew just how it felt to be completely lost to love. And I was lost, Cast Away lost. But here I was, with the woman I loved in my arms and peacefully sleeping, I would find myself leaning in and kissing the top of her head softly so she wouldn't wake.
I would lay there and watch her sleep. I would watch her breathe through those perfectly shaped lips and have to stop myself from leaning down and kissing them. I loved the way her body fit so perfectly to mine and warms me to the perfect temperature. I love the feel of her arm thrown over my waist to pull me tighter into the cuddle. Being in love with a woman was a whole new ball game for me, I wasn't quite sure what women did in bed together but as Beca laid in my arms I come up with plenty of ideas I wanted to try.
But I have to admit, even though I loved all the time I spent with Beca it was becoming a problem. I was so in love with her that being with her but not BEING with her was starting to break my heart. I was scared that if I told her how I felt she would run. Because she had already told me that being by yourself and not letting people in was the perfect way to safe guard yourself from getting hurt. I would never hurt Beca, I would hope she would know that, but Beca having let me in as much as she has, she might feel like that me falling for her was a betrayal trust.
And then there was Jessie, the Treble Maker. I knew that he was chasing Beca too. I had seen him at the radio station trying to worm him way into her heart. Beca and I never talked about Jessie, so I wasn't really sure what was happening there. But when I had seen Jessie, either with or without Beca, he always reminded me of Ross from Friends and I hated Ross, Rachel could have done much better than him. I sure as hell didn't want to scare Beca so much that I made her run straight to Jessie.
And then there was Beca herself. We obviously never talked about the feelings we had for each other, but sometimes I would think to myself that maybe she was feeling the same way as me. I mean there were times that I would catch her staring at me when I was trying to sneak peeks at her, or how instead of linking our arms as we walked places she started holding my hand. And it was longer discussed about going home after a late night and if she was tired she would just go and get into my bed or make room for me in hers.
It was all very confusing. She was confusing. This love game really sucked. I hadn't been with anyone since I realized that I was in love with Beca and I was definitely frustrated. And I have to admit that playing my Lady Jam when I was alone just wasn't cutting it anymore. So do I tell her and risk losing her completely or do I take the chance and hope that she feels exactly the same way and we will lived happily ever after just like the fairy tales.
After months of driving myself around the bend with all the questions running through my head, I decided it was time to talk to someone. So I called the only person I know who would be completely honest with me.
Fat Amy was already sitting at the Café when I walked in. After I greeted her with a kiss on the check and sat down I started feeling very nervous about saying how I felt out loud. Because until you do that, it not really true. And giving it words and sounds makes it real and there would be no way to unsay it. I must have looked like I was going to be sick because Fat Amy says "So you're confused about your toner for short stuff aren't you?"
This took me by surprise but let's face it, this is why I chose to talk to Fat Amy about it in the first place. I knew she wouldn't pull any punches. I blushed and nodded. Fat Amy just sat there and waited for me to start talking, and once I did, I couldn't stop. Everything I had felt and every thought I had about Beca, I shared with Fat Amy. It felt good to finally get it out. I kept talking until I ran out of words.
Fat Amy just sat there and listened to my whole ramble, not once did she interrupt me and I was thankful for that. I waited for her to process everything I told her which took about three seconds. She told me that it was obvious from the very beginning how I felt for Beca. It was the way I would look at her and how much my eyes would light up. She also informed me that I have the worst eyes in the world because you can see exactly how I am feeling in them, they give me away every time. Fat Amy talked about how Beca use to freeze when she was touched by anyone and still does a bit with everyone except me.
She also told me how she has watched Beca change, she was more open and caring and that was because of me. Fat Amy laughed and told me that we were like Ana and Elsa from Frozen, I was Ana and I had taught Beca that she didn't have to have a cold heart and that it was ok to love and let people love her.
Fat Amy told me she had been watching us for the whole year, it was her little game to keep Aubrey's nagging out of her head at practice. She would watch us stare at the other when the other one wasn't looking or the way we would actually look at each other if our eyes did meet.
Fat Amy said "it would be obvious to a blind man that we were falling for each other."
I asked "What do I do?"
Fat Amy replied "Go and get your girl."
So after almost a full year of having a girlfriend, that's not your girlfriend, but acts like your girlfriend, I decided to do something about it. I would tell her how I felt or even better, if I get the chance, I would show her how I felt.
I figured that after the final would be a good idea because I knew that everyone was feeling the pressure and I didn't want to add to it. On the night of the final, everyone was nervous, but I was nervous for a completely different reason. We sang our hearts out and completely rocked the Lincoln Centre. We hadn't even made it off the stage after our performance to know we had already won. I was on such a high, I knew things were only going to get better after I talked with Beca. Beca was the first off stage and headed towards our seats, we were sitting behind the Treble Makers. I tried to push through the girls as we walked so that I could catch up with Beca, but as I made my way through, I seen Beca in a lip lock with Jessie.
My heart broke into a million pieces. I turned and ran. I pushed my way past the girls. Fat Amy watched me as I ran out of the concert hall.
This is what I was told later…
Fat Amy turned to see what had upset me and sees Beca kissing Jessie. She couldn't believe it, so she walked right up to Beca slapped her up the back side of her head not hard, but hard enough to get her attention.
Beca said "What the Hell?"
Fat Amy said "REALLY?"
Apparently it only took seconds for the penny to drop and Beca looked past Fat Amy to see who wasn't there. And when she realized who wasn't there, she pulled herself away from Jessie and rushed past the girls and ran out of the concert hall. Fat Amy did some vertical running and followed Beca out.
"Where would she have gone?" asked Beca
Fat Amy replies "Maybe your hotel room?"
Beca doesn't wait another second, she runs out of the Lincoln Centre and hails a cab.
This is what I know happens after that …..
I am standing at the window in the hotel room I am sharing with Beca. Tears are streaming down my face while I look out over the lights of the city. I decide that I can't stay here in this room with her, I men she might not even come back tonight she might stay with Jessie.
I go into the bathroom to collect my stuff because I have decided that I will go to Fat Amy's room, I know she wouldn't mind. I walk out of the bathroom and Beca is standing there, looking around the room obviously looking for me, but I don't care. I ignore her and continue over to my bag.
"Chloe?"
I don't respond.
"Chloe?"
"What?"
"What are you doing?"
"Nothing."
"Why are you packing your stuff?"
"Why do you care?"
"Cause I care."
"Bullshit!" Beca is taking back by my harshness, but I don't care. I hurt, and she is the one that hurt me.
"Chloe, talk to me."
"I have nothing I want to say."
"Come on Chloe don't do this. Don't shut me out."
"Shut you out, are you fucking kidding me? I glare at her.
Beca just looks shocked and doesn't say anything.
My stuff is packed and I grab my bag and head to the door. I am almost there then I feel a hand on my arm. I spin around and face Beca. "What are you even doing here?"
"What do you mean?"
"Why aren't you with him?"
"Who?"
"I don't know, maybe the one that you felt the needed to run too as soon as we got off stage. The one you were kissing."
"You saw that?"
"It was hard to miss."
"Why does it matter who I was kissing?
"It doesn't."
"Yes it does, tell me why?"
"I don't have to tell you anything."
"This is bullshit Chloe, you are mad at me and you won't even tell me why."
"It doesn't matter now anyway."
"It matters to me."
"Why?"
"Because I care about how you feel."
"No you don't or you wouldn't have done it."
"Done what?"
"You kissed HIM." Screamed Chloe
Beca looks at Chloe, really looks at her and sees the tears streaming down her face. She takes a step forward and says quietly to Chloe "Who should I have been kissing?"
"Me dam it, you should have been kissing me."
"You?"
"Yes, ME"
"Why should have I been kissing you? Beca gently asks.
"Because I love you, that's why."
"You love me?"
"It's doesn't matter, you chose him."
Chloe starts for the door again.
"It matters to me" Beca speaks more loudly now feeling more confident in what she was saying.
"How can it matter to you Beca, you are not the one who has been stupidly in love with her best friend all year." Chloe yells, with her back still to Beca.
"Who said I am not."
"What?"
"Who says I am not the stupid one for being in love with their best friend all year?"
Chloe turns around to look at Beca but doesn't say anything.
"I don't know where to start." Says Beca
"Try."
"Um, first can you please come and sit down?
Chloe walks back over to the bed with Beca's stuff on it and sits down, she couldn't sit on the bed that they were going to be sharing that night. Beca takes a seat on the opposite bed and faces Chloe.
"Well to start from the beginning, I suppose that it all really started the day I first met you at the activities fair, I thought you were cute and had the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. And then of course then there was the time you barged into my shower NAKED and made me sing with you. I knew I like you, not just because I had seen you naked, and when I told you that you should be confident about all of that. I meant it. But you had this affect on me, something that was completely new to me. I didn't understand it at all. I was thinking things about you and were having these feelings that I had never thought about before, things involving another woman.
And over the year, we just kept getting closer and closer. I didn't know how to handle it. I wanted to be with you all the time. And somewhere in all of the nights we spent watching Friends, our coffee dates, Bella's practice and even times when we were together and not talking, but studying, I feel in love with you too."
"What?"
"I fell in love with you too Chloe."
"Why didn't you say anything?"
"And risk losing you altogether."
"But you still should have told me."
"Why didn't you tell me?"
Chloe half smiles and says "Fair enough. But why did you kiss him?"
"I thought maybe he could make me happy. If I couldn't have what I wanted, I would just settle on second best. And that way I would still get to keep you too. Having you in my life as a friend was better that not having you in it at all."
"But he is Ross, we hate Ross." Chloe says with more of a smile.
"Yes he is Ross, but I don't hate Jessie."
"So let me get this straight, you kissed Jessie because you thought he was your best option?"
"No, I kissed Jessie because I thought he was my only option."
"And now?"
"You Chloe, you are the only option I want."
Beca gets up and sits next to Chloe on the other bed.
"So I suppose what we are saying is?
Beca cuts her off and finishes the sentence. "Is that I love you and you love me."
Chloe slowly raises her hand to caress Beca's check. Beca takes Chloe's hand from her face and kisses her palm.
Beca looks at Chloe and says "Can I kiss the only person that I have wanted to kiss all year?"
Chloe giggles and nods.
Beca leans forward and places her lips gently on Chloe's. Chloe's lips are softer than she had ever imagined, and she had imagined them a lot. Chloe leans into the kiss and pushes Beca backwards with her body weight. Beca jumps up and scream "Ouch"
Chloe jumps back and says "What wrong?"Did I hurt you?
"No but my bags did."
"Should we move to the other bed?"
"Or should we meet up with the other Bellas to celebrate? Asks Beca
"Do you really want to do that?"
"No, but Fat Amy will kill us."
"She would have to get in here to do that. Are you going to answer the door to her?"
Beca shakes her head and says "No."
Chloe smiles "Neither am I."
Chloe takes Beca's hand and leads her to the other bed and pushes her slightly so that Beca falls back on the bed. Chloe then climbs the length of Beca's body so that she is slightly laying on to her and takes Beca's lips with her own. She runs her tongue along Beca's bottom lip to ask for entrance. Beca moans into the kiss and grants it.
After a moment Chloe pulls back and looks at Beca "Do you know how long I have waited for this?"
"I am guessing about as long as I have."
The End