EXT. HOUSE - BACK DECK - DAY
ELI, a college student, excitedly opens a sliding-glass door
from inside.
ELI
Yeah! First day in the house!
He takes a step out, and his foot drops straight through a
gap in the floorboards. He screams. Fellow students JOSH
and SARAH appear in the doorframe.
SARAH
Eli! What happened?
JOSH
Yo, what's up?
ELI
The back deck sucks!
JOSH
I knew we should have checked the
entire house before signing the
lease.
ELI
Hey, what's that on the rail?
Eli pulls his foot out and walks across the deck, the wood
creaking under him.
SARAH
Be careful!
Eli looks closer at some writing carved into the railing.
ELI
Wow, this handwriting is terrible.
(reading)
"The Sorl"..."The Solo"..."The
Slongo Mad"...
A mist appears in front of Eli.
ELI
Oh crap.
JOSH
What the hell is that?
SARAH
I don't like this. Get back
inside, Eli.
The mist forms into THE SO-LONG MAN, a man wearing a cape,
black T-shirt, jean shorts, and sandals. He stands on the
railing.
THE SO-LONG MAN
I am The So-Long Man! You've
summoned me by speaking my name!
JOSH
It's a ghost!
SARAH
Oh god!
ELI
But I said "The Slongo Mad."
THE SO-LONG MAN
It was close enough! Now I'll have
all your souls!
SARAH
Run!
Eli runs back to the door, slowing down to very carefully
step over the gap, as The So-Long Man cackles evilly.
INT. HOUSE - KITCHEN - DAY
Eli runs in, and Josh slams the sliding door shut. As the
three turn around, a dog made entirely of chunky red goop
bounds in, snarling viciously.
SARAH
What's that?!
JOSH
Oh shit!
The So-Long Man, now standing immediately outside the sliding
door, throws it open.
THE SO-LONG MAN
You're trapped! Your only option
is to kill each other and/or
yourselves, and your organs will be
added to Hellmutt!
Hellmutt lunges at Eli.
SARAH
Watch out!
ELI
Oh no!
THE SO-LONG MAN
No! Not yet, Hellmutt!
Hellmutt harmlessly bites Eli's arm, losing several teeth.
ELI
Wait, this dog has chili peppers
for teeth, and they're falling out!
I think this dog is made of salsa!
The So-Long Man sighs as Hellmutt gums Eli's arm.
THE SO-LONG MAN
Okay, so he's made of salsa! It's
only temporary until we can replace
it with victims' guts, so you'd
better get to killing each other!
ELI
This isn't so bad. He's kind of
cute, actually.
Hellmutt lets go of Eli's arm and pants.
THE SO-LONG MAN
Damn it, listen to me! Here, Eli,
look.
The So-Long Man points to Josh and Sarah, who are making out.
THE SO-LONG MAN
Your girlfriend and best friend are
totally macking on each other!
Don't you want to murder them in a
jealous rage?
ELI
Sarah's not my girlfriend.
THE SO-LONG MAN
Wait, really?
JOSH
Yeah, she's mine.
SARAH
We got bored of you talking about
your dog and stealing our souls or
whatever, so we started making out.
ELI
My girlfriend is in the living room
getting drunk.
Eli's girlfriend, AMY, stumbles in with a beer in one hand
and a bag of Tostitos in the other.
AMY
Where'd the salsa dog go? I still
have all these chips left.
(to The So-Long Man)
Who the hell are you?
ELI
Amy, meet So-Long Man. So-Long
Man, meet Amy.
THE SO-LONG MAN
The So-Long Man! There's only one!
A DEMON appears in a puff of smoke next to The So-Long Man.
DEMON
Kyle!
THE SO-LONG MAN
Satan! Your Lowness!
The So-Long Man bows.
DEMON
What are you doing here?
THE SO-LONG MAN
I'm hunting victims, Dark Lord.
DEMON
Did these victims summon you by
saying your name?
THE SO-LONG MAN
Yes...basically.
DEMON
Basically?
THE SO-LONG MAN
They basically said my name, yes!
DEMON
Surveillance shows that one of them
only said "The Slongo Mad" before
you showed up. That doesn't count!
THE SO-LONG MAN
B-but -
DEMON
And it really doesn't count if you
carve your name into a railing with
a butter knife. That's cheating.
I want a full report on what your
improvement goals will be by
tomorrow morning.
The So-Long Man hangs his head.
THE SO-LONG MAN
Aw man. So unfair.
The So-Long Man evaporates into a mist that then dissipates.
DEMON
So long, man!
AMY
Dude, I think Satan just saved you guys.
DEMON
Nah, Kyle can't do anything right
anyway. And I'm not Satan. I just
tell him that so I can boss him
around. I'm Frank. I'm a file
clerk down there. Now who's up for
some Mario Kart?
AMY/ELI/JOSH/SARAH
Yeah!
Hellmutt barks excitedly.
THE END