A/N: I got writer's block on my other story, so I'm wasting time on this instead. Eh.
In response to a guest PM, I. Am. In between 12 and 20. You guess…
Okay, fine. I'm twelve.
1.
Allen Walker was a rather polite, respectable young man; that is, if you looked past the fact that he was a formidable exorcist-Noah halfbreed who could pummel you into the ground and polish off heaps of dango at the same time.
Still a polite and respectable kind of guy, though.
On the other hand, this fact didn't stop him from cursing profusely in a British accent as the Ark's shimmering inner realm spasmed, then tilted clockwise, and he tripped. He slammed onto Ark door #2704, which opened and sucked him in.
Allen spiraled down into an inky black substance, which then cleared up to reveal a clear expanse of blue sky. He didn't shriek as he free-falled down; worse things had happened before.
He stifled the thought of Road dressing him up in dresses amidst the Jasdevi twins' snickers, and turned his mind to the problem of the very rapidly approaching ground.
2.
It had been easy, really. As a matter of fact, Allen hadn't needed to do anything. He just landed with a whump on the sandy desert floor, with nothing damaged. At least, not severely… He'd have some small bruises on his legs, but it was nothing painful.
Times like this reminded him that being a Noah actually had good side effects that weren't canceled out by the bloodlust and the insanity. And the obsessive-compulsive urgings. And the random bouts of anger.
Allen didn't try to get back to Headquarters through the Ark - exploring this new world would be one more Ark door categorized and labeled.
Plus, he wanted a break from Kanda's constant bitching.
He walked on, noting the various skulls and bones littering the landscape, and mentally telling himself that if he were to ever gain control over this realm, he would do a bit of redecorating.
3.
To keep himself occupied, Allen listed the destinations and names of doors #1500 to #2700, the ones that led to separate dimensions. Actually, now he'd have to add #2704 to the list, which would be a pain because he hadn't entered #2701, #2702, or #2703 yet.
…#1502, land of Assiah, Gehennah, and twins Rin and Yukio, "Blue Exorcist"…#1668, land of kishins, witches, weapons, and meisters, "Soul Eater"…#1799, land of ninja, jutsu, and Elemental Nations, "Naruto"...#1903, land of ninja and jutsu...
And so on.
At least Neah helped him memorize it all. Then again, it was the least Allen's uncle could do, as a sort of rent for occupying Allen's mind.
4.
He didn't even widen his eyes a fraction when he came upon the structure.
No, he just blew a hole in one of its walls - by singing a low-octave C# - then stepped through carefully. Allen didn't want to ruin his old Black Order uniform; it was a precious memento of the past.
There were swords pointed at his throat. Sharp ones.
"Hello." He looked up at the brunette occupying the rather large throne.
"Betcha' he's a dork," Neah snickered. "If only he had glasses."
Allen opened his mouth and breathed out as hard as he could, sending the swords - "I think they're called Zanpakutos," Neah supplied - flying out of their wielders' grips and skittering across the floor.
"I'll leave one of them alive," he hummed thoughtfully. "Just one alive in this building will be enough."
And his smile turned cold as he activated his Innocence.
5.
Allen thought to thank later Wisely for infusing Crown Clown with Dark Matter as he spun around, stabbing the brunette-on-the-throne as the black-haired one with tear markings lay unconscious on the floor, surrounded by dead Arrancar.
Landing on his feet, the whitette surveyed the room before dragging the unconscious one out and through the hallways.
6.
When Ulquiorra woke up, the intruder told him nicely that a) his name was Allen Kamelot Walker, b) that, yes, he had just killed everyone else in the general vicinity, c) Ulquiorra had to tell Allen his name, as Allen had no idea what it was, and d) Ulquiorra was going to help him take over this land, whether he liked it or not.
"...Ulquiorra. The name of this land is Hueco Mundo."
"Nice name. Weird place."
No, he wasn't blushing because he was Ulquiorra, and Ulquiorra definitely did not blush. It was just that he had never been complimented before.
At the very same, he decided to do his best for this Allen. Anyone who could defeat Aizen-sama was worth following. Plus, he had gotten rid of that trash, Grimmjow.
"How may I help? Walker-sama."
7.
In the end, Allen had his latest subordinate Ulquiorra lead him through the hallways of Aizen's castle, and wait patiently as any being they encountered was immediately and unhesitatingly slaughtered.
8.
When they reached Orihime's cell, Allen took a shine to the busty girl with the cheerful personality. ("Wah, Ulquiorra-kun, you really made a new friend!" "...Woman, I do not comprehend.")
She tagged along, not at all disturbed by the puddles of blood they had accidentally tracked in.
9.
After successfully ridding the castle of its occupants, they opened a Gargantua to Soul Society.
Allen and Orihime stepped through. Ulquiorra stayed behind to clean up the castle.
Orihime burst into a fit of giggles at the thought of the stoic Arrancar with a pink apron on, spraying Febreze.
Allen smiled, mentally debating whether to set up a date for the two or not.
They were meant for each other.
10.
They met with Urahara Kisuke in secret. He agreed to their plan, but not before wheedling an exasperated Allen into telling him all about the Ark, alternate dimensions, and the like.
In return, the former Destroyer of Time got to finally know how the hell a stuffed animal could walk around, and the like.
"Anyhow," Kisuke clapped his hands together, "I guess I'll tell Kurosaki-kun. Ooh, won't he be confused."
11.
Yeah, Ichigo was confused plenty. Especially when Orihime interrupted Allen and Bucket Hat's explanation and launched into a rant about Ulquiorra in flowery aprons with Windex. Honestly.
Then Allen said that he personally felt that Orihime belonged with Ulquiorra, and Rukia had had a crush on Ichigo.
The substitute soul reaper really didn't have the capacity to argue, not disarmed and with a huge broadsword ready to slap him if he disagreed.
"Glad that's all settled, then," the petite Noah concluded, trademark shit-eating smile plastered on his face as he leaped off his seat on Ichigo's chest.
12.
When renovations were finished, the newly dubbed "Ryūketsu no Tsubasa Castle" stood proud and tall. There were no random cattle bones lying around now, just an Arrancar skeleton propped up against a rock here and there.
Neliel popped up as Ulquiorra was rearranging Grimmjow's skull.
Allen welcomed her - he seemed to have a sense of whether someone was trustworthy or not.
(That, or because he was bribed with food by an anonymous donor.)
13.
Allen swore politely again, glaring at the paperwork for application to become the official Hueco Mundo representative.
He summoned an Ark door and flung the papers at it, coincidentally hitting Tyki right on the face as he and the others stepped through.
"You finally invite us to this place and the first thing you do is throw something at me, boy? Harsh."
"Allen!" Road squealed, and tackled his small frame.
Kanda, Lavi, and the remaining ten Noah stifled their snickers.
"Oh!" Allen wheezed, prying Road off. Then he looked at them closely, and smiled.
"It's been fun here," he ended up murmuring, "But it's even better with you here to help me..."
There was a chorus of "Awws" and "Love you too."
14.
"...With the paperwork." he added, throwing in puppy eyes for guaranteed success.
He was Allen Walker, and he always got his way.
(But as long as no one in his surrogate family had even the smallest chance of getting harmed. Because that would be unforgivable.)