I don't know what's come over me, I've never written so much in my life.
This is just a short piece, very angsty, set post Season 3, even though I haven't actually seen it yet!
None of it is mine, shame!
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It was just a stupid crush.
It was just a stupid crush, and yet here she was standing beside a grave, an open grave, not yet filled, and she couldn't help but make the parallel with her heart.
She wasn't going to come, it had been eighteen months since she had seen him, but her mum had called and here she was. She was surprised by how much the news of his death had affected her. She had known it was coming, after the Roadhouse had burnt down she had felt guilty about leaving her mom behind. Not enough to pack up and return to her, but enough to call her once in a while instead of the odd postcard. She had been told of his deal, she had laughed derisively at that. Who does that? Sacrifices their own life for someone who is already gone? Dean Winchester that's who.
She hated him for that. Hated that she couldn't hate him, that his last act was one of self sacrifice. It was admirable, and stupid, but mostly stupid. And she wanted to hate him so much and yet here she was. She'd be damned if she was going to let herself shed a tear.
It was just a crush. He wasn't even anything special, she had just led a very sheltered life. She had grown up in the middle of nowhere surrounded by old men with guns and knives, and questionable personal hygiene. Then she had gone to college, only to realise that she was the freak with the gun and the knives, and while her hygiene was up to scratch, she didn't exactly subscribe to Vogue Magazine. She was an outcast and so she had come home.
He excited her, he was young, he was hot, and he got her. That first time she met him she knew he got her, they both had that childlike idealism, they both wanted to be just like their fathers. He had more practise, more experience in the field and boy did he hold that over her head. He was cocky and arrogant, and she gave as good as he did, but he would never let her in. There was only room in Dean Winchesters life for one person, and now he had died for him.
He was dumb, and she was just as bad because here she was grieving for a man she hadn't seen for nearly eighteen months. A man she knew everything and nothing about, and she wanted to hate him because she didn't want to be so affected by his death. A death she'd had a year to prepare for, but now she felt winded and lost and she swears that she can feel a tear escape her eye.
She wipes her cheek in frustration. She wants to walk away, she wants to run away actually, but she stays. She needs to see them fill in the hole, she wont believe it until she sees it, because if anyone could work a miracle it was him, and she wanted to believe so much that he was going to climb out of that hole like it had all been some elaborate practical joke. So she stays, just staring at the ground willing him to wake up.
"Honey." She hears her moms voice behind her and it breaks her out of a haze she didn't know she was in. "Let's go home."
"I can't. Someone needs to be here." She doesn't understand the words as they come out but she knows they're significant.
"Be here for what? Baby they need to fill it, they're waiting for us to leave."
"But…" She looks at her mom for the first time and she sees the concern etched in her features, for the first time she realises she's crying. She doesn't really know why, he was just a guy, not even anybody special. It was just a stupid crush and yet here she was standing beside his open grave crying like she'd lost the love of he life. She looks back at the hole and then back up at her mom. "I'm ready to go home now." And just like that she knew her life as a hunter was over, because she wasn't ready to die, and she wasn't ready to lose anyone else. Her mom was all she had left and somewhere over the last few months she had grown, and it was time to go home.