"Valentine's day is just around the corner. As we all know, St. Valentine was not only the saint of love, but of beekeeping, epilepsy, and plague. So this year, surprise your loved ones with bees and pestilence.
Welcome to Nightvale.
Many of our listeners have called in with reports on pine trees. Now, we all know that forests grow over night, but does a forest of pine trees really have to choose the middle of our town as its new home? Why did it choose us? What does it want from us? More on this story as it develops.
Moving on to our next segment: we have a romantic version of Cooking Stuff with Earl Harlan. Welcome back to the show, Earl."
"It's good to be back, Cecil."
"How is your son doing?"
"Rather well. I've been spending much more time with him; getting to know him better. We went bowling last week, and he got one pin! Can you believe it? The only problem is... I still don't know his name."
"I'm sorry, that must be difficult. Have you tried just asking him. It's often embarrassing, especially when it's with family, but we all forget our loved ones names sometimes."
"Whenever I ask, he just changes the subject. Cecil, do you remember your sister's name?"
"..."
"Or your mother? Do you even remember having a father?"
" ... So, what fun, exciting recipe do you have for us today?"
"Well, I have come to teach you to make heart cookies."
"Ooh, that sounds delightful!"
"They are. Now, first thing you will need are:
2 cups of sifted all-purpose flour, 1/2 teaspoon baking powder, 1/4 teaspoon salt,1 stick of unsalted butter, 1 cup of sugar, 1 large egg, 1 teaspoon of pure vanilla extract, and the heart of a baby pig.
Start by preheating your oven to 325 degrees fahrenheit. Then, put all of your dry ingredients into a bowl and mixing them well. Then melt the butter, and put in the egg and vanilla. Beat well. Make certain that it can no longer run. Break all of its bones and crack it's head on the floor.
Then, add these to bowl of dry ingredients.
Now, the heart can be bought at any supermarket, but I've always found fresh ingredients to be far better."
"Why yes. Of course they would be."
"I suggest going to the local farm and choosing the smallest, most innocent pig there. Bring it to your kitchen. Make sure to hold the pig down as you cut open its chest, whispering, 'it's not your fault. It's not your fault. You never deserved this.' Once you obtain your heart, just place it in the dough, and it'll be done. Then bake for 14 to 16 minutes, and voila!"
"That sounds delicious and perfect for the romantic season. Thank you for joining us today, Earl."
"Thanks for having me."
"And now, a word from our sponsors.
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This just in, people have reported to the station that the pine trees have begun to glow. They have said that it is a blue glow. It is so faint that you can't even see it. But they know that it is glowing anyways. And if you saw it, you would know that they are glowing too. They have also increased in size. Many of the houses that they inhabited are now piles of rubble that they are currently inhabiting. More on this as they continue to change."
*phone buzz*
"Oh, sorry about that. This will only take a moment."
*shuffling as Cecil gets out his phone.*
"Oh. Oh, it's a text from Carlos, from where he's tra- living in the desert otherworld. I'll read it on air. 'Hey, Cecil. I saw a constellation that looked like an exact image of you last night. I wonder what you're doing in the stars? Anyway, happy valentine's day. Wish you were here. Less than three.' Oh, that's supposed to be a heart. Sill Carlos, real hearts don't look anything like that. Although, I suppose that they would be difficult to write out in text, so this will do.
*crash!*
Dear listeners, you won't believe this. A pine tree has just fallen through the station. It has a wide trunk, and looks as if it is very old, although I know it must be very young. The inside of the stump is glowing faintly blue. It… it's getting brighter. I… it's too bright! Now, hoping that all will be well, I take you… to the weather."
watch?v=6CXiB5n883I
(I know I reused a song already on Nightvale, but come on. It's a classic)
"Welcome back listeners. I am happy to announce that the blue light has disappeared. From the stump of the fallen tree came a young looking boy… only it wasn't really a boy, as it was all black with scaly skin and sharp blue teeth. The teeth were glowing. I didn't see the glow, but I know they were glowing. 'Who are you?' I asked, looking at it.
'I am the trees,' it responded. Well, I knew it was lying. Everyone knows that forests are made of a group consciousness. So, that's just what I told it. No small, floating black creature will cause me to report wrong information. 'Oh, this isn't a forest; everyone knows that' it replied. 'I'm just here because that I heard that you here in Desert Bluffs must pay for what you've done to the nature around you.'
'But,' I replied, 'we aren't Desert Bluffs. This is Nighvale.'
'Oh,' it said, looking down sheepishly. 'Well, that was embarrassing.' And with that, it disappeared, bringing all of the trees with it. Unfortunately, it wasn't considerate enough to fix the damage its mistake made to the town, but there isn't much we can do about that.
Stay tuned for the sound of footsteps getting nearer and nearer, as you want to run from them but know you can't, this is how things were supposed to be. And good night, Nightvale, goodnight.