The Hot Man-Love at the End of this Fanfic

By Planet Cool

Robin woke up one morning, feeling great. He was eager to see what adventures this new day offered. He took a shower, styled his hair, and put on his best, freshest mask and uniform. Feeling just about invincible, he headed down the hall to the meeting room at Titans' Tower, ready to get himself some breakfast.

"Good morning, everyone," he said to Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Raven, all of whom were already there.

"Good morning, Robin!" they all said simultaneously. They all had wide, creepy smiles on their faces. Even Raven was grinning from ear to ear.

Robin raised an eyebrow. "Um, yeah, thanks. Are you guys all right? What's with the grinning?"

Quietly, the four other Titans glanced at each other, as though they weren't quite sure of what to say. "Nothing is wrong, Robin, everything is normal," Starfire said at last. Her voice sounded strange, though, as though she were saying good-bye instead of hello. "We are just very pleased to see you."

"Yeah, dude, come on, we made you breakfast!" Beast Boy told him, swooping in wearing a chef's hat and holding a tray in front of Robin. On the tray, there was a plate of tofu bacon and eggs and a glass of soy milk. The bacon and eggs were even arranged in a smiley face pattern.

Robin took the tray and sat down at the bar, but he couldn't eat because his friends kept staring at him from across the room, not saying a word or moving a muscle. "Okay, I have to know. Why are you guys being so nice to me? Is there a special occasion?"

"Oh, no occasion. We're just trying to make sure you have a totally awesome day while you still can," Beast Boy said, cheerful as ever. "Just, you know, in case something bad was going to happen to you later on or something. Not that something bad is going to happen to you or anything, I'm just saying…"

Raven jabbed him in the stomach with her elbow, and he went quiet.

Robin set down his fork and knife, sighing. "Guys, could you knock off the act? I know there's something you're not telling me. And I'm going to find…"

He paused, suddenly realizing exactly what was going on. He looked at Beast Boy in his chef's hat, gangly and green, and at Cyborg, the expression of concern on his face somehow undermining his impressive, partly mechanical physique. He looked at Starfire hovering a few inches off the ground, wringing her hands nervously, and at Raven sulking at the back, avoiding his gaze, shadows seeming to fall more heavily around her, even in the bright sunshine. These weren't really his friends, they were merely descriptions of his friends! He jumped off his chair and onto his feet, looking about him. The bright, colorful backgrounds of an animated cartoon show where nowhere in sight. Instead, he saw only black and white. It was text. A big, long wall of black text against a white background.

Just to be sure, he tried looking at his hand. Instead of seeing his hand in its green glove, though, he just saw the words "his hand in its green glove" floating in front of his eyes, and then again, only this time in quotation marks. The text continued.

Grimly, he looked at his fellow Titans. "Damn it. It's happening again, isn't it?" he asked, the anger and bitterness in his voice slowly rising. "This is fan fiction. We're in another stupid fan fiction!"

He slammed his fist against the countertop.

"Whoa, easy there, Robin," Cyborg said, walking closer to him and placing a hand comfortingly on his shoulder. "You can't go losing your patience like that anymore, man. We're beloved cartoon icons; having to star in fan fiction every now and again is just part of the package. Just… be glad someone likes us enough to put us in their amateur writing, and all the ugly stuff will be over before you know it."

Slowly, angrily, Robin turned his head until his eyes met with Cyborg's. "What ugly stuff?"

Cyborg broke a sweat. "Did I say ugly stuff?" he said, faking a chuckle. "I meant waffles. I meant that if you keep worrying about being in fan fiction, you won't be able to enjoy all these delicious waffles I made you!"

"No, you didn't say that."

"Um, yes, I did."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes I did."

"No! You didn't, Cyborg! Don't you think I can read?" Robin barked. "Look. Up there. Seven paragraphs above us. 'Just… be glad someone likes us enough to put us in their amateur writing, and all the ugly stuff will be over before you know it.' That's what you said. Word for word! You can't really think you can fool me like that."

Cyborg held up a hand. "All right, man, chill! So this isn't exactly what you'd call a 'generic fanfic.' So what? We've all gone through this before at some point or another, so you need to stop acting like a baby and hang tough until the end."

"So what kind of fanfic is it?"

"Um… well…"

Robin stormed off toward the central window, the one that doubled as a computer monitor when the Titans had criminal activity to look over. Raven stepped in front of him and stretched an arm to block his path. "No, Robin. Finding out won't be good for you," she told him. "And even if it were, there's nothing you can do about it. Just go back and have some breakfast. You're too stressed out as it is."

He pushed away her arm. "I have to know."

At the window, which overlooked the ocean, Robin squinted and looked up, past the sun, as high as he could see. The morning sunshine shone wonderfully on the water, but he wasn't interested in that at the moment. What he wanted to look at were the words written in the sky. Past some lines of information about the fan fic, like the genre and the number of reviews, Robin read the title. And what he read chilled him to his very soul.

"The Hot Man-Love at the End of this Fanfic?" Robin cried, terrified. "It's a yaoi story? Another one!?"

"Hey, I told you not to look," Raven told him with a sad little shrug.

Robin stamped his foot. "No. I'm not going to stand for this. I'm sick of trying so hard to be awesome in cool stories when just any obsessed fangirl with a computer can go ahead and stick me in some weird personal fantasy that runs completely against canon!" he said. "So, who is it? Who am I supposed to be, um 'paired up with' this time? Tell me! I know you know!"

The others, realizing their friend was in an unstable state, started walking slowly toward him, trying to make him relax. "The fic description doesn't specify. You read it up there yourself," Cyborg said, speaking slowly and trying to sound as pleasant as possible. "Now, please get a hold of yourself and come back to the table, all right? Those waffles I made you are getting cold… and I made them with whipped cream and all your favorite fruit syrups, too."

Robin's eyes widened, and he pointed a horrified finger at Cyborg. "Oh, my God, It's you, isn't it?" he cried.

"What? No! I…"

"Of course, it all makes sense!" Robin continued. "Making me waffles, touching my shoulder, trying to comfort me twice so far… Cyborg, you're the one they're trying to hook me up with! You've got to get away! Get away from me as far as possible until the story is over. That's an order! Go, go, go!"

Cyborg didn't go. He frowned. "All right, that's called paranoia," he said.

"Yeah, dude. Just let it go. There's still a lot of stuff to do before we get to the end of this fan fic, isn't there?" Beast Boy said. "And you can start by getting a nice, healthy breakfast. After all the crime-fighting you did last night, I thought you'd be so hungry you could eat a horse!"

"Don't say that word," Robin said.

"Huh?"

"The word you said. You know, that animal. Don't say it again."

"What, horse?"

"What did I just tell you!?" Robin outright screamed. "Don't you realize the kind of danger I'm in? This is a yaoi fan fiction, Beast Boy! The less that word shows up in the text, the better things are for me. Don't say 'horse,' don't think 'horse,' and for the love of all that is good in the world, Beast Boy, do not transform into a horse and stand behind me and…"

"Dude! You just said 'horse' like ten times just now!" Beast Boy said.

Robin was speechless. Quietly, he pressed his back against the wall.

Raven cut in. "Robin, you're being a child. Sometimes, bad things happen that we can't do anything to stop, no matter how much we dislike them," she told him. "It's in the author's hands now, and the only thing there is to do is wait until it's over. If you're going to freak out and play the blame game over something that's happened hundreds of times before, do it somewhere else."

He sighed, looked at the floor, and touched himself on the forehead as he thought things over. "You're right."

"Good," said Raven. "Now, eat your breakfast. Long day ahead of us."

"No. You're right about my having to leave. It's not safe for me to hang around as long as there are other guys around me. I have to go somewhere where girls will be my only company."

"You will do no such thing!" Starfire was quick to cry out.

"I have to, Starfire. Otherwise, it's just a matter of time before… well, you know," Robin explained on his way out the door. "Keep an eye on the city while I'm away, guys. Hopefully, I'll see you all again soon."

"Where can you possibly go to if you can't be around any male company?" Raven asked.

"I know a place. Good-bye." And with that, he was gone.

The Titans watched the door in silence for a few seconds after Robin had walked out of it, wondering what might await him on his adventure. "So… is anyone going to eat those waffles, or what?" Beast Boy said after a while.

"Not I," Starfire told him. "I must be on my way as well."

"Really? Where are you going?" Beast Boy asked.

"Well," Starfire began, sounding a little unsure of herself, "I believe there may yet be something I can do to save Robin. Something that will spare him from the badness that awaits him at the end of this fan fic. It is… unconventional, but I will do what I must to help my friends."

"Sounds good. Let's go!" Cyborg said.

"No. I must go alone."

She had soon taken to the air and swooped out an open window, leaving the others behind.

"Well, we don't normally let boys hang out with us at our weekly girls-only book club meeting, you know, but given the extenuating circumstances, I guess we could make an exception, just this one time," Kole said, smiling kindly. "Welcome to the clubhouse, Robin. There are some chips and soda on the table, so help yourself."

"Thanks, Kole," Robin said, walking into the big and sturdy treehouse built on top of an equally big and sturdy tree. They were in Kole's underground home, the prehistoric habitat deep beneath the arctic ice caps. "I can certainly use a little reprieve until that fan fiction is over. Your hangout is a pretty safe place for a guy to hide, isn't it?"

"You got it! If what you wanted was a good hideout, you couldn't have chosen a better spot. I'm sure the author would never think of looking for you way over here," the little girl said. "Say, you wouldn't happen to be a Twilight fan, would you? We're almost done with Eclipse. You can read with us if you want to."

Robin chuckled. "Pass," he said, shrugging.

"Well, that's too bad. Have a seat."

There was a round couch, stuffed with leaves and upholstered with dinosaur hides, next to a little wooden table with two copies of the book on it. Bumblebee was sitting on the couch already, sipping her can of soda and leafing ahead through the book. Robin sat down next to her.

"Hey there, you," she said to him. "Kole told me about your little situation. Don't worry about a thing, though. You just stick with me. You'll be one hundred percent man-love free right straight through the end of the story. I guarantee it!" she said, winking an eye at Robin as she idly swung one of her stingers in loops around her finger.

"Right," Robin said, smiling at her. "If I'm lucky."

At that very moment, Jinx walked into the room, holding her book under her arm.

"Oh, come on!" Robin said, exasperated, throwing his hands over his head.

" Hey, ladies," Jinx said. "Sorry I'm late, Kid Flash and I were just… hey, wait a minute! I thought we were a girls-only club! What's he doing here?" she said, pointing an accusing finger at Robin.

"Relax, girl! Robin's cool," Bumblebee said. "There's a yaoi fan fiction with his name on it waiting for him back home, so he's going to wait it out here with us until it's finished."

A grin Robin didn't like one bit crossed Jinx's lips, and there was a mischievous glimmer in her violet, catlike eyes. "Ooh, you don't say," she said, then swiftly hopped on the couch and placed her elbow on Robin's shoulder, making him highly uncomfortable. "That's really hot, Robin. I mean it. It is. So, who could today's lucky gentleman be? Tell me. I want to know." She spoke in a singsong voice, practically breathing into his ear.

Robin pushed Jinx away. "I don't know," he said sternly. "I mean, even if I knew I wouldn't tell you. I mean, none of this matters because it's not going to happen! I'm not moving an inch from this spot until the story's over, and that's that." He crossed his arms and legs, and hung his head low.

"Hmm. Well, that's too bad. I really could have used a little treat," Jinx told him. Then, when nobody was looking, she held up her book and pretended to look for the right page, but secretly snapped her fingers behind it, calling forth her powers. There was a tiny little flash of violet light, hardly there at all, but the spell was cast, and that made all the difference. Slowly, steadily, the laws of physics and probability in the area began to shift, changing in accord with Jinx's will.

"All right, everyone, let's get going," Kole said, sitting down on the club leader's chair and picking up her own book. "Where did we leave off? Chapter thirty? Okay, let's turn to it now…"

"I wonder what exciting new synonyms for 'cold' and 'pale' she'll use this time!" Bumblebee said.

After several minutes of hyperbole-filled Mormon vampire abstinence porn, there was a loud noise coming from high up above. It sounded like a huge chunk of ice had just cracked. "Did anybody else hear that?" Bumblebee asked.

"I did," Robin said. "That wasn't thunder, though, was it?"

"Hmm, whatever could it be?" Jinx asked, chuckling to herself.

Annoyed, Kole sighed and snapped her book shut loudly. "Don't worry, guys, it's just another crack on the ice. Nothing too serious, it happens all the time. Global warming and what-have-you. I'll go right up there and fix it now. You guys can keep going without me, if you want to."

Bumblebee put her book down too. "Uh-uh, there's no way I'm staying way down here. The last thing I need is a glacier on my head just when Edward is telling Bella how dangerous their relationship is. Again. I'm helping, too!" she said, and swooshed into the air to follow Kole out of the clubhouse.

Jinx got on her feet. "Well, no point in sticking around. I think I'll go and watch," she said.

"Wait, what about me? Think you could use my help?" Robin asked.

"No, no… I'd say you're fine right where you are. See you soon, Robin."

Jinx walked out, and Robin was left by himself. He didn't have any interest in the book his friends were reading, so he amused himself by looking down at the text below him. There was still a whole lot of fan fiction left, so he'd have to stay put for some more time. Just when he was starting to feel safe, just when he thought that maybe there wasn't going to be any man-love after all, he saw a shadowy figure out of the corner of his eye. A flash of darkness, tall and imposing, brushed by his gaze.

He jumped off the couch, ready for battle. "Who's there?" he shouted.

A low, virile chuckle filled the room. It seemed to come from everywhere at once. "Why, Robin, don't you recognize me?" it said, gloating and menacing. "I know it's been a while since we last met, but I didn't expect you to have forgotten me already. In fact, I think I'm offended."

Robin's blood rushed to a boil. "…SLADE!!"

A whoosh of raw power. A silhouette in the dark. A single slanted, deep blue eye. Robin didn't know which way to turn. "That's it, Robin. I knew it would come to you. I do like to think I've made an impression on you in the past. And I don't just mean in the series canon, either," Slade said mockingly from wherever he may have been hiding. "The fans sure do have quite an imagination, don't they, Robin? How would you say this story matches up to our previous adventures together?"

Suddenly, Robin realized exactly what this meant. It felt like a ton of bricks had just fallen on his head, and he broke into a cold sweat, shivering. It couldn't be! Quickly, he reached for the weapons in his utility belt. "Come out of the shadows where I can see you!" he demanded.

Two sets of footsteps and the sound of buzzing wings started climbing back into the clubhouse. The girls were coming back. Slade clicked his tongue. "Believe me, I will. And you know I'm a man of my word. However, that will have to wait. It's not my cue, after all; there's so much more of this wonderful story to go, and I'm ever so eager to hear it."

"No… you're wrong! I won't let it happen!" Robin cried. "This fan fiction won't end the way you want it to, you sick, twisted monster!"

"Fan fiction?" Slade asked, feigning confusion. "My dear boy, I was talking about Twilight. However, when the fan fiction does end… well, I'd like you to call me Master."

And, with that, he vanished.

"Are you okay, Robin?"

Robin flinched, screamed, and whirled around, ready to karate-chop whomever had just touched his shoulder at the drop of a hat. However, he relaxed when he realized it was just Kole.

"Whoa, there! Easy! What's your damage?" she asked, ready to turn herself into a living diamond statue and deal out some pain if need be.

Robin realized he was in no danger, at least not right that second. He took a deep breath and eased his arms. "I have to go," he said, and immediately began to walk toward the door.

"Oh no! You do?" asked Jinx. "What's the matter, Robin?"

"Yeah, what's with the rush all of a sudden?" Bumblebee added.

"It's no longer safe for me here."

"What makes you say so?" said Kole, raising an eyebrow.

"There was somebody here," Robin explained, still facing the door. "A… a man. Someone I don't quite see eye to eye with. We have a history. In any case, I've got to go. Thank you for your hospitality."

Kole giggled. "Oh, you silly! It was probably just Gnarrk!" she said, giving Robin a playful slap on the arm while the enormous caveman came bounding form the stairway above, landing with a loud thump that shook the treehouse to its core when he landed on the floor. Kole walked over to him and scratched him playfully behind the ear, as though she were petting a puppy. "He's just one of the girls, you know, and we can really use his muscle when cracks develop on the ice dome."

"Come on, Gnarrk, show Robin you want to be friends," Jinx told him.

Crudely pronouncing his own name, Gnarrk stumbled toward Robin with a wide, friendly grin on his face, arms stretched widely to either side as in a hug. The hairs on the back of Robin's neck stood on end. He dashed to the door and reached toward the handle, but Jinx, standing at the back of the room, slowly worked her magic. Robin pulled on the handle, but had some bad luck; it was jammed. He only had a couple of seconds to try and fix it, but that wasn't enough. To his horror, he soon felt a pair of strong, male arms wrap around him.

A scream rang out. For several miles around the treehouse, flocks of pterodactyls flew from their perches, startled.

Starfire landed in front of a small, quaint, white-picket-fenced house in a suburban neighborhood. She checked the address on a small piece of paper, then stepped forth and rang the doorbell. A full-figured woman opened the door. "Hello," Starfire said, smiling nervously. She wasn't quite sure what to expect. "I am a, um, a friend of your son's. May I please speak with him now?"

"Well! Would you look at that! I didn't think the boy had it in him. Please, come in!" the woman said. She looked like an obese version of your typical fifties sitcom mom, wearing a flowery blue sundress and her blonde hair arranged in a beehive style. She told Starfire to please wait in the living room while she called for her son to come up from the basement. "Juniooooooooooooooor…!!" she yelled.

"Aw, whaddaya want, Ma? I'm busy!" came the reply.

"A young lady just came in to see you!"

"Very funny, Ma! Now, leave me alone!" her son yelled back. "Warp Trek IX will be on in an hour, and I gotta spend the meantime bitching about how Twilight sucks with my chatroom chums online!"

"Oh, no, you don't, Junior! Do as your mother says and come up here right now!"

Some angry grumbles drifted up from the basement, followed by heavy footsteps. A few seconds later, there stood Control Freak, holding his high-tech remote control. He pulled up his welding mask to reveal a frown. "This better be important! If I never finish that doomsday device and the Teen Titans never take me seriously as a threat, I hope you realize it'll all be your fault."

"Hello, Control Freak," said Starfire.

"Oh, it's you," Control Freak said, rubbing his chin in confusion. "So what do you want? I'm busy working on some stuff and you can't fight me until it's done."

Starfire nodded. "Yes, I am very certain that you have many, many things to do that do not involve sitting alone in your mother's basement, but there is a very important matter that I wish to discuss with you. May you please lead me to your living quarters so that we may talk?"

Control Freak's face lit up, turning bright red as he grinned from ear to ear. "Oh, of course! I knew you could only resist for so long!" he said, hopping up and down with excitement. He took Starfire's hand and dashed down the stairs to his basement abode as fast as his stubby little legs could carry him. "So, you've finally ditched that stone-cold, unfeeling bird-brain Robin, huh? Baby, you couldn't have made a smarter choice! What you really need, my princess from the stars, is a guy with a heart and a brain to make up for his looks. Welcome to my secret underground lair!"

His room was almost totally dark, the only light in it coming from the enormous array of computer monitors mounted into the walls on one side and the small, out-of-date TV set tuned in to the Sci-Fi SyFy channel on the other. His shelves were bursting full of Warp Trek spin-off novels and anime figurines, and the floor was covered in pizza crusts and greasy undergarments. In the center of the room was Control Freak's latest project, a weird combination of wires and other mechanical parts with some wrenches strewn about it, obviously still a work-in-progress.

"It is very… I mean, I like the… um, it suits you," Starfire said at last, keeping her hands clasped behind her back. She didn't want to touch anything, but not because she was afraid to damage it. "What is this strange device? Is it your latest project to bend the fabric of reality?" she asked, looking at the machine at the center.

"Yeah, yeah. What of it? It's just some boring old junk anyway, and totally not a smoking-hot alien babe, like you. Come over here and help me fold out the futon."

"No, Control Freak. It is your ability to escape reality I have come to speak to you about. Nobody I know is more adept at doing so than you, and, after thinking it through, I have realized only your services will satisfy my needs."

"Ooh, baby! You're getting me all hot and bothered!" Control Freak said.

Starfire gasped, suddenly realizing that she and Control Freak were definitely not on the same page. Her eyes glowing green with anger, she drew back her arm and slapped him as hard as she could across the face, sending him flying clean across the room, onto the stacks of old computer monitors on the opposite wall. "That is not what I am talking about, you nasty, nasty man! If you will not do as I say, I will stop with the niceness, and you will learn the true meaning of pain!"

"Um… could you call me a dirty boy while I learn the true meaning of pain?"

Starfire took a deep breath and counted to ten. When she felt she was ready to talk to her companion without breaking him in half, she said, "Look, can your reality-bending machine transport things other than yourself?"

Control Freak thought for a moment. "Like, what? An apple?"

"No. More like a Tamaranean."

"You?"

Starfire nodded. "I need to visit the world of live-action. There is a crucial matter I must attend to there. Something that may help me spare the fate of a dearest friend."

"Hmm… yeah, you're going to have to expand on that."

She explained everything to him, from what they had discovered that morning, to what would ultimately happen if the fan fiction was allowed to continue, and she detailed her plan to stop it. Control Freak listened intently, staring at Starfire's breasts most of the way through, but when she was done he let out a loud, nasal chortle. "Forget it, girlie-pie. I'm not helping you help Robin. Heck, you can let me know when the end of the fan fic rolls around. I may want to make me some popcorn."

"Then you leave me no other choice," said Starfire. She walked over to one of the shelves and picked up one of Control Freak's porcelain anime dolls, holding it between her index finger and thumb over the hard floor. "Will you or will you not help me to save Robin?" she asked.

"I said forget it."

Crash! Down went the doll, shattering into a million pieces.

"No! Miyuki! Starfire… how could you?" Control Freak said, falling to his knees and holding the many pieces like the body of a fallen comrade on his big, sweaty palms.

Starfire picked up another doll. "Will you help me now?"

"I can't!" he cried. And down the doll went.

"No! Haruhi! You were my second favorite!"

A third. "How about now? Do you agree to help me now?"

Control Freak's lip quivered, his eyes watered, and he grumbled some dirty words under his breath. "…fine."

The door to the meeting room hissed open. "Robin!" shouted Beast Boy, Cyborg, and Raven.

"Well, that was… brief," Raven said, shutting her book and getting to her feet so she could get a better look at her friend. "You're looking well, Robin. I'm surprised to see you back so soon. The fan fiction isn't over yet, is it?" she asked as he walked over to the couch and plopped down on it heavily.

Of course it isn't. I promised hot man-love, and there will be hot man-love. I'm a man of my word. I'm looking at you, here, Robin; stop trying to run away.

The Titans were rattled; the voice that had suddenly invaded their Tower seemed to originate from everywhere at once, like Slade's, but it wasn't a voice that any of them had ever heard before. It was precise and somewhat low-pitched, but carried a distinct air of mischief about it. All four of the Titans who were present at that moment leapt to their feet and readied their weapons; a fight was almost certainly coming.

"Come out here where we can see you!" Raven demanded in her most threatening voice.

Sorry, Rae, no can do. I am a ginormous nerd, you know; if I were able to just pop into your world like the corner drugstore, I'd have done it years ago. Sadly, that is not the case. I'm the author, by the by. Hey, how ya doing.

"The author?" Cyborg said, surprised. "You mean this is a self-insert fan fiction, too?"

Well, I'd like you guys to know, I don't usually sink as low as this. I like my fics played straight and canonical; everyone behaves the way they're supposed to, everybody loves whomever they've proven they love, nothing really wacky comes out of nowhere and screws everything up… you know, that sort of thing. I've never understood why some people don't just write an original story instead of messing with everything that's already been established in an existing canon. But, hey, whatever floats your boat, I guess. I just get a little peeved when those stories get all the attention and my stuff gets ignored.

Robin had clenched his fists tight and was looking all around the room, still trying to find me somewhere in the room. Of course, that was quite impossible because I'm all the way over here in my live-action house, sitting in front of my computer and totally safe from anything Robin might try to do with me. "Spare us. I don't care who you are or why you're doing this," he said, talking at the ceiling. "I just want you to stop! Don't you get it? You've been messing with an innocent cartoon character's life all this time! If you like generic fiction so much, why don't you go write some of that and leave me alone!?"

Haven't you been listening? I'm sick of people ignoring my stuff while the really wacky stuff always gets tons or reviews! I've been in the online fan fiction writing game for several years now, and do you want to know the maximum number of reviews I've ever gotten for any story? Seven. Seven reviews. All the hard work I put into making my story a believable part of the canon gets seven reviews. While, above me, something with a name like "Alternate Universe Anime Buttseckz" is raking in feedback by the hundreds! That's just not fair! So I thought, What can I do to make my next Teen Titans fan fiction get all the attention I've only ever dreamed about? And then… I knew!

"So… you're a sellout?" Raven asked.

Pretty much.

"Dude, you're just being a jerk!" Beast Boy said. "I know what it feels like when people don't recognize all the hard work you put in. Big whoop, it happens to everyone," he said. "But it is so totally not a good reason to force hot man-love on someone you like who doesn't even want it! It's one thing to want to write stories with awesome characters like us in them, and that's cool. But being a crazy evil fangirl is another!"

Aw, come on! That's the second time in one story one of you mistakes me for a girl! Sure, I'm a fan fiction author writing about two buff, well-muscled male characters having a homoerotic relationship, but that's no reason to jump to conclusions like that! I think you've got some punishment coming your way, Beast Boy.

"Pfft!" Beast Boy said. "You think you're so tough? I can take you. Come on over here, we'll see how tough you are when you're staring at your reflection in tyrannosaur's teeth!"

I don't have to, I'm the author. I can do whatever I want. Like this:

And then beast boy turned into a kumquat with a huge nose and a silly haircut. He will stay like that until the end of the fan fic.

Raven walked over to Beat Boy the kumquat and pushed him lightly with her foot. "Nice," she said. "Any chance you can keep him that way forever?"

"All, right, enough!" Cyborg barked. "This stops here! Dude, you're in way over your head! Just accept that some people have different taste in fan fiction and get on with your life. Now, turn Beast Boy back into Beast Boy, bring Starfire back, let Robin off the hook, and stop typing up this garbage. Now."

Starfire? I didn't do anything to Starfire. Oh, well. It's been fun, but breaking the fourth wall does tire one out so, doesn't it? I think I'll just write the lot off you off my fan fic. Everyone except for Robin, of course. Robin is about to have a little encounter with someone from his past. Someone for whom, no matter how much he tried to deny it, he'd always felt a deep, powerful attraction to…

"Hello, Robin," said Slade.

"No! Stop! Now! I'm begging you!" Robin cried!

"Oh, you'll do a whole lot more than beg, my boy."

"Not you! The author!"

And then Robin took off his pants and bent himself over the couch.

"Please! Don't you have any mercy? Any dignity?" Robin said, doing just that.

Slade walked slowly over to Robin, examining his toned, well-muscled figure. He could hardly resist his urges, the passion he felt for the underage boy. Little by little, one step at a time, he began to remove the lower half of his armor and unzip the fly on the set of undergarments below. Robin anticipated feeling Slade's throbbing… whoa, hold on a second, guys. I think I hear the doorbell ringing.

"What?" Robin said.

The doorbell. It's ringing. There's someone at the door. Yeah, I'm going to have to answer that, you two. It could be all that nerdy paraphernalia I ordered on the Internet the other day, and I wouldn't want to miss it and have to go all the way to the post office and what-have-you. What a hassle, huh? Anyway, I'll be right back. Don't you two think of doing anything without me; I want to be the one who gets all the praise when this baby goes up on !

ROBIN: Oh, thank God! He's gone. Quick… I have to think! How do I get out of here?

SLADE: There is no getting out of here, Robin, and believe me, I wish there was.

ROBIN: Shut your mouth! You sicken me! You've been waiting for this all along, haven't you? You sick, sick monster!

SLADE: (clicks tongue) Such harsh words, my boy. Am I really as bad as all that? You and I may not exactly see eye-to-eye, but although my doings have a history of being, how shall I say this? Misunderstood by people like you, when it comes to my feelings on underage sodomy… well, perhaps we're not so different, after all.

ROBIN: (shouting) Don't you ever say that to me again!

RAVEN: Are you all right, Robin?

ROBIN: Raven? Is that you? What are you doing here? I thought the author had written you out of the story!

RAVEN: He did. But he's not at the keyboard right now. As long as he's occupied we may have a chance to escape. Quickly, come with me.

ROBIN: I can't move.

CYBORG: Say what?

BEAST BOY: Dude, we gotta go! The author could be on his way right now!

SLADE: He means that we're literally incapable of moving. The author left us in this position, and this is how we'll have to stay until he gets back. A shame, really.

BEAST BOY: Wait, so that means... hey, why are we in script form now?

RAVEN: The author is away from the keyboard. He can't type the narration.

CYBORG: So, what, we're all floating in limbo or something?

RAVEN: Yes.

ROBIN: It doesn't matter where we are! You have to get me out of here! Quick, everyone! Pull me out of here! Pull, pull, pull!

BEAST BOY: We're trying, we're trying!

CYBORG: Heads up, y'all! I think I hear the author coming back!

ROBIN: No! You've almost got it! Just one more tug…!!

Slade was gone from the Tower. Robin was no longer undressed. Everything was just fine and exactly the way it should have been all along.

"Hello, dear friends!" Starfire said cheerfully as she flew into the room. "Please forgive my absence. I trust you did not need my assistance while I was away?"

Robin, Cyborg, Raven, and Beast Boy stared at her in utter confusion. "Starfire?" Robin asked. "Where were you? Did you really miss the whole story? Um… is that blood on your hands?" he asked, pointing at the red stains on her hands and forearms. The blood looked very strange, as though it had not come from the world the Teen Titans lived in, but from somewhere totally different.

"Oh, it is nothing," Starfire giggled, wiping the blood off with a nearby towel. "I have just come from visiting our dear friend, the author of this fan fiction. Let us just say that I have managed to convince him to stop writing this badness for Robin. We may trust him to return to his old writing style and treat us all more respectfully from now on."

Robin smirked. All of a sudden, he was feeling pretty good again. "Well!" he said, looking at the ceiling, as though he thought that's where the author would be. "Looks like you got beat up by a girl! Maybe that'll teach you to mess around with established canons just to get attention from now on!"

Yeah, well, smirk while you can, Robin. Starfire may have taken care of me, but you mark my words, others will come. Do you hear that? It's the sound of ten thousand obsessed fan girls tapping on ten thousand keyboards. There is no stopping the awesome might of fan fiction. There will be hot man-love for you in the future, Boy Wonder. You can depend on it.

"Maybe so, slick," Robin said. "But not today. Not today."

He sat down at the bar and ate the most delicious waffles, bacon, and eggs he'd ever had in his life.

THE END