A/N: I edited a few bits, in my opinion, this version is better! Please read (again) and review (again). Thanks!
STRENGTH.
That was one of the things he loves most about her, her strength.
She was the strongest and bravest person he knows. Even stronger than himself. She's always determined, she never gives up. Her strength never ceases to amaze him day by day.
She never falters, she never lets anything faze her. No matter how hard or how big the problem at hand is. She rarely ever hesitates, she goes for gut instinct. And she's never wrong.
She's talented but not to a point that she would brag about it, that was his job. She had more promise than him because she's learning and she loves it.
Though it hurts to see so many patients come in and out of their hospital each day, sometimes with uncurable diseases, she stays strong. She stays tough. She stays positive.
Her postivity is admired by everyone. In a difficult situation, she sees it as glass half full and not the other way around. Her optimistic attitude allows her to be a better doctor, a better friend.
She never broke down. He loves that about her. She stays tough and doesn't let anyone get to her. She deals with the things happening just like they were planned. She makes most of the situations she's in.
She was never afraid. She would speak her mind, she would stay calm in a horrible situation, she would never showed any signs of fear and weakness. He wished he could do that.
Her strength allowed her to be friendly to those she hated the most, to keep in the anger that haunted her for days, to be able to treat a patient or a friend with the care they needed. But her strength didn't--couldn't--stop her from hurting someone. Himself.
STRENGTH.
It was what he hated most about her. Her strength didn't let him in. He was always an arm distance away from her feelings. She didn't share and she didn't let him help. Ever.
Her being stronger than him was a definite downside to their relationship, he was intimidated. He couldn't do things without being afraid of what she would think, do or say. Her stubbornness was like a wall that wouldn't let him in.
He doubts she's human since nothing hurts her. She seems perfect. Invincible, even. It scares him.
For some awful reason, he wishes that she would actually let go of the shield and let him give it a go. He wants to be the one protecting her, not the other way around. He wanted to see how she thinks and not have to push her to knows its a awful thing he wished upon a girl he loves more than anything but he wanted to become her knight in shining whatever and she didn't let him do that.
Her strength stopped her from showing that she actually cared. The hardcore shield around her didn't let anyone in. He thinks--knows--she didn't care when they broke up. She didn't even shed a tear.
Her strength is what hurt him the most, her inability to cry, to show her feelings, and to be a real person made his stomach feel empty, it made his heart stop beating.
Her strength was deadly.
__________
Mark Sloan loved Meredith Grey with all his being, with all he had. He loves her and values her more than anything, more than anyone. He loves her so much, her smell, her laugh, her smile, and so much more. But it was so sad their relationship was one-sided, it was so sad their relationship had to end.
He would watch her surgeries whenever he was free. He watches her think what to do next. He then watches her cut up the patient's head with precision. He watches her talk--no, flirt--with Derek Shepherd like they were long-time friends. He watches her close up the tissues, acting like god. When the surgery is done, he watches her walk out the OR with Derek, hands entwined.
He broke things off because he knew she longed to be Derek Shepherd's girlfriend the moment he introduced her to him. She grew tired of him, yet he still wished he was wrong. They were best friends and she never ever shared her feelings with him once.
They started dating a year before, it was one of the best and worst years of his life. The beggining was awesome, it was bliss for both of them. Towards the end though, it felt like only his heart was in it. Only his heart was the one on the edge to being broken. She had reformed New York's biggest man whore and crushed him to pieces. That was how strong she was.
They were best friends for 5 years, it started when he was interning under her mother the late Ellis Grey. She has been there for him when he broke down because of a lose of a patient, she's been there for him during his late night study sessions, she's been there for him when he needed a friend. They've been best friends for 5 years, and he's only seen her cry once.
He chased her down to Seattle, proving to her he loved her and wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. He was stupid enough to think she thought the same way. She was beautiful, a spitfire, brave and strong, why would she have stayed with Mark Sloan, a man whore? He asked himself the question everyday, what made him believe that she loved him more than anything was beyond him now.
She had managed to make Dr. Mark Sloan fall in love for the first and probably the last time in his life, and she had managed to fall in love with his best friend, Dr. Derek Shepherd, and crush him to pieces. She was that strong, she managed to make two of the most world-renowned surgeons fall in love with her. She managed to get two best friends wrapped around her tiny little finger.
He heard a familiar giggle down the hall, it used to be him that made her giggle uncontrollably. It wasn't anymore; it was Derek's job now. He saw her slap Derek playfully on the shoulder and Derek grinned. He longed to be in his position. He wanted to be the man she was with but he couldn't. He noticed Derek lace his fingers around hers and pull her closer to him, smelling her hair. Meredith was never the kind of person that was for public displays of affection, but Derek reformed her. He made her soft and mushy, something he'd always wanted to do. He watched her tease him in front of her friends, it was like she was flaunting their relationship. He felt his fist curl into a ball, ready to hit someone.
He watches her look up at Derek with her adoring eyes, something he did with her every now and then. She tip-toed lightly and pressed her lips to his. They seemed so in love that they didn't notice Mark Sloan staring down the hall.
Except she did, she did notice him and gave him a curt smile. She was strong enough to acknowledge the man who she had been best friends with for 5 years until recently and not hold a grudge. He couldn't return a smile, he was weak like that. Instead he walked away from the scene.
The lavender scent chased behind him, following him like a dog following its owner. Except she wasn't his anymore, she was Derek's. "Mark!" She gasped, finally catching up with his big strides. "Mark…"
"What do you want Meredith?" He says bitterly. "Derek's over there if you hadn't noticed." He says looking over to Derek who was now glaring at him. "Don't worry, I won't touch her!" He says sarcastically. This wasn't the Mark Sloan she used to know, this was a cold dark man in his place.
"What's going on with you?" She asked sadly shaking her forehead. He leaned on the wall, a move she used to find sexy. Except now she was only looking at his eyes.
"Life's happening. It's happening to everyone." He says. "Besides, I don't think you should be concerned. We're certainly not friends, we're not dating either."
"We're best friends Mark! We've been for 5 years. You can't just give up on that!" She exclaims. She puts her fists on his chest and he pushes her away.
"We can't....I can't... I can't do this anymore." He said quietly shaking his head.
"Mark, if this is about… if this is about Derek and me, you told me it was okay that we went out?" She sighed, searching his face for any memory. It hurt her that he was hurting like this, she did still love him after all.
"What did you expect me to say?!" He glared. His voice was raising to a high level. "'Mer, you can't go out with Derek Shepherd because I'm so helplessly in love with you'? Was that what you were expecting from me? You of all people should know that I won't do that."
"You..." She sighed. "I'm happy now Mark, can't you be happy for me? That's all I'm asking for." She pleads.
"It's too much for you to ask. I'm giving up Meredith. I'm giving you up. He won." He says.
"What do you mean by that Mark?" She says holding out his hand. "Giving up? That doesn't exist in your world."
"You don't exist anymore. Not now. I'm leaving, Meredith. I got a job offer in New York a few weeks ago. I guess now was the time to actually say yes to it." he said, his eyes misty. "I have enough of this...thing. I can't fight for you anymore because I just know I'll end up battered and bruised."
"What fight? I'm here now. Mark you're the strongest person I know. What's happening?" She said sadly.
"I'm not strong, I used to be. But I'm not anymore." He sighed. He was looking in the strongest person in the world's eyes and that was what made him feel weak and broken.
"You changed."
"You changed me."
"You're my best friend. When I need you, you won't be there. I know it's selfish. But I need you both. I want you both. I can't live without you both. Please don't make me choose." She says sadly.
"You never needed me Meredith. I'm not making you choose. I'm choosing for you." He sighs. "Besides, if you need someone you've got Derek. He's more than enough." His eyes search hers, looking for tears. Zero. Empty. "I can't it hurts too much. I can't stand watch you and him everyday wondering what could have been. You let go of me the moment you chose him."
"Can't I have both of you?" She begs. "Can't I have you as my friend?"
"You're not mine." He says, pushing her hands away from him. "Can't you understand that?"
"Mark... I hate to go there... but you broke up with me." She says softly.
Mark scoffs, actually laughing at her and her face went red. "You broke up with me the moment I introduced you to Derek. You weren't the same anymore, you worked overtime just so you could spend time with him. Not me." He says bitterly.
"You were never there for me!" She screams. He was amazed that this was actually happening. He was there for her day and night, she never opened up to allow him to help.
"I was Meredith. I was always there. I just got sick of standing and watching so I set you free." He says coldly. "You stayed with me because you felt like you had an obligation towards me but the moment I said we could start seeing other people, you practically ran out the door Meredith."
"I… I don't know what to say. I have no idea..." She says sadly.
"You don't have to say anything, because I know why you chose Derek. He's safe and reliable, he doesn't break down easily, he can keep a secret. I'm Mark Sloan, the infamous man whore you met in New York who chased you." He says harshly. "I was so smitten with you, you know why?" She shook her head. "Because you were strong, I knew you could keep me in line and I needed that but instead you went ahead and made me fall for you even though I knew it was wrong. I knew that because I thought I would hurt you, I never thought that you would hurt ME."
"I loved you. Don't even doubt that!" She exclaims. "You're here, acting like a wounded puppy. I gave you. More than I gave any other man before you. But now, you're acting like I never even loved you! Of course I did Mark."
"I love you. I still do, and I believe that you do too because that's the only thing that can keep me sane. I try to believe that you stayed with me because you loved me, not because you had too. So answer me, did you stay because you wanted to?" He says looking her in the eye. Her heart broke seeing him in so much pain, Derek wanted to advance and help her but she knew it was best that he stayed a distance.
Meredith's hesitation made him frown. "I stayed… because you were my friend. You were the last person that I ever wanted to hurt Mark." She sighs. "You gave me so much, I think I at least owed you that much." Now so many people were watching them. The nurses whispering and eyeing each other.
Mark felt his heart break. He felt everything stop. He was right she was only with him because she felt like it was what she had to do, not what she wanted to do. "I hate it. I hate it that you try to be the bigger person. It hurts me so much so just stop! I thought all I ever wanted was for you to be happy, but when I ended things I realized that that was only the second thing I've ever really wanted. The first was I wanted you happy with me. Not with Derek."
"I was... I was happy with you." She says sadly, tugging her shirt because of nervousness.
"You didn't cry." He says searching her eyes for anything, anything that symbolized that she was supposed to prove him wrong.
"Excuse me?" She says ith disbelief laced in her voice. Derek was looking at her with eyes full of concern but she just nodded and looked back at Mark. She had never seen him so broken ever and it pained her even more that she was the one who broke him.
"When I broke up with you, you didn't cry. If I remember correctly all you saidwas 'Oh. Okay.'" he says angrily. "It hurt that you didn't even care things were over between us!"
"I did care... I just.." she says but she was cut of by Mark.
"You cared more about Derek than you did me. You practically ran out that door Mer! Ran! Figures, my best friend falls in love with my other best friend. God, what did I do to deserve this?" He fumed.
"Nothing Mark." She says touching his arm. He quickly pulls away and crosses his arms over the other. "You were perfect to me and I took that for granted."
"Doesn't make anything easier. You know that Meredith. It won't change the fact that its over. We're not the same anymore." He said quietly. "I learned to deal with it, you should too."
"I just... I'll miss you Mark. A lot." She says sadly.
"I really hope you don't for both my sake and yours." He says.
"Please? Just be happy for me? Thats all I ask for." She says in a small voice.
"It kills me just trying."
"Mer? You okay?" Derek shouts from across the hall. Mark rolls his eyes and Meredith glares at him. "I'll be with you in a minute!" She calls out again.
"Great." He says with sarcasm laced in his voice. His stomach flips whenever he has to vision the two of them together.
"Don't do this... He doesn't deserve that." She says softly.
"So what you're saying is that I deserved heartbreak?" He says.
"No you didn't, it's my fault Mark." She says quietly. She was strong like that, always willing to take the blame whatever consequences. But it didn't mak him feel any better.
"I'm going to head out now Meredith." He says. For a second he moves closer and brushes his lips against her forehead. She closes her eyes, seeming to remember all the kisses he's gave her over the past years. "Just try... Move on with your life okay? It's what's best for both of us if we just pretend this, friendship or whatever didn't happen."
Her eyes open quickly. "You know I could never do that!" She said disbelievingly.
"Just try."
"What if it kills me just trying?" she says. Mark closes his eyes out of frustration.
"Meredith?" He sighs. "You're strong enough to do what I tell you to. You always have been. So do it. For me." He says softly looking around. "People put up walls so that they could see who cares enough--who's strong enough-- to break those walls down. I just wish I was strong enough to build mine back up."
"Mark?"
"I'll be seeing you around Meri." He smiles softly and walks away.
If he turned around, he could have seen the tears falling down her cheeks. The way she slid down the wall, her hands on her face but he didn't. Because looking back would have hurt to much, looking back would have meant coming back and regretting every word he said, looking back meant that he still loved her.
Meredith felt the tears run. This was the second time she's ever cried over a man. The first when Mark had broken up with her. But now he would never know, because she could never tell him. She could never let him know how much it hurt just to move on with Derek. She could never let him know how she still had urges to kiss him when he was across the hall. She could never let him know how horrible she felt inside that she just lost her best friend.
Looking back meant he was weak. Looking back meant a lot of things. Looking back meant he still loved her.
He looked back for the last time, just in time to catch Derek helping Meredith up hugging her tightly against his warm body. "It's going to be okay" was what Derek had whispered into Meredith's ear. He led her across the corridor and into a secluded room.
Mark was behind his own wall, his own shield, tears of his own falling.
He wanted to be happy for her. He desperately wanted to be happy for her. He couldn't. She had too much a grip on his heart. A grip that wasn't going away anytime soon.
She was that strong.