Bella's Birthday!
A/N: PARODY. AU. Extremely OOC. You have been warned. Approximately around 'Eclipse'. Edward and Jacob throw Bella a birthday party….and find true love?!
Disclaimer: All property of Stephenie Meyer. By the way, am I the only one who found Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart utterly unsuited to play Edward and Bella? Neither are insanely talented; Kristen Stewart seems to me like a kind of PMS-y biatch, and Robert Pattinson seems too angular, too striking, to be handsome. All right, now that I've officially signed my death warrant, on to the story?
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Charlie hurled his Taser across the room.
"DAD!" Bella shouted. "What is WRONG with you?!"
"What's wrong with ME, what's wrong with YOU!" Charlie shouted. "Hanging out with that stupid EDWARD boy! You are unreasonably grounded forever and sentenced to rot in this suburban deathtrap of a home, in a town that is named after a utensil! Oh, that reminds me. We're having a town council meeting to rename the town. We're thinking something more modern and artsy, like 'Chopsticks'. Or something more solid and family-friendly, like 'Spoons'."
"But DA-D…." Bella moaned. "We already signed movie contracts and everything! We're bloody engaged!"
"We will have no J.K. Rowling-related words in this home, missy," said Charlie sternly. "This is a rival book series! And since when are you two engaged?"
"Since, like, the beginning of Eclipse!" Bella snapped. "Now if you'll ex-cuuuuuse me, I'm off to do some filming while this prime weather condition still lasts. Really brings out my features so much more in front of the camera." She gestured to the sunny window.
"Hey, it's unseasonably sunny today!" said Charlie in shock. "Uhoh…this can only mean one thing…." Charlie and Bella whirled around and faced each other slowly, ominously.
"We all know that the great Stephenie Meyer only gives us unseasonably sunny days during epic drama days….Which means either Edward and Jacob are playing tug-of-war with me today….or….I'm going to that beach that sounds like French and pressure combined….or…."
Looking at each other in dismay, the two chorused, "Battle to the death!"
Bella groaned. "Not another one….oh well….Victoria's plot line had to be rounded up some time. Don't worry, Dad, this book series is twisted, but I'll come out alive. Stephenie Meyer might get sued if we die." She hastened out, driving her pathetic pickup truck to the Cullens' home.
****
"You got the balloons?"
"Yes."
"You got the cake?"
"Yes."
"Excellent. I'll roger you later. And remember, Bond--Oops, Black--(sorry, I've been watching too much Muggle--er, human movies)"
"Yes?"
"Good luck. We're all counting on you."
****
"Where's Bella?" Jacob asked impatiently.
"She'll be here soon. Are all werewolves this whiny?"
"Do all Edward Cullens have woman lips?"
"Shut up, I think they're my most attractive feature!"
"You gay fag!"
"Yeah?" Edward wailed. "Well, at least I'm not--fat!"
"Who says anything about fat?" Jacob snapped, flexing a muscle and kissing it. "This is one hundred percent sinew."
"Oh yeah?" Edward snapped, glaring through Jacob's muscle. "Well, I have x-ray vision, and all I see is blubbering fat!"
"Liar, vampires do not have x-ray vision!"
"Do too!"
"Do not!"
"DO TOO…."
"Look, man, I'm not going to argue the point with you," Jacob snapped. "I got more important things to do, like fight for Bella's hand in marriage."
Edward pursed his womanly, full lips. "You wouldn't!"
"May the best man win. Ooh, looks like I win by default….I'm the only man…."
"Are you calling me womanly?"
"I'm not calling you manly! Man, you got contacts bein' put in and taken out every five seconds, I see you do it, that vampire eye color nonsense don't fool me!"
"Shhhh!" Edward instinctively put a finger to his lips. "It's a secret!" he gasped, as though trying to preserve a child from hearing that Santa Claus was not real.
"And that I-hated-you-at-first-cuz-I-was-attracted-to-your-blood?" Jacob snapped. "That's about as real as your contacts!"
"I just wanted to get her attention!" Edward wailed, stamping his foot. "Okay? She was so ugly I figured she was the only girl I had a shot at!"
"But you're hot! All the girls think so!"
"Yeah, I know, but they were all too smart for me!"
Jacob rolled his eyes.
"You think I'm hot? Really?"
Jacob shrugged. "Yeah, whatever, man."
"You going to step on me?"
"Beg pardon?"
"You know, that foot printing thing."
"Imprint, dumbass," Jacob chuckled. "And no. That was just to cover up that Sam had a really intense go at Emily. Seriously, man, we don't bite, that was outlawed, that's for hoods!"
"Ah, I see." Edward twisted his piano-playing hands together. "Y'know, Jacob, I am doing a role as Salvador Dali next….I'm gay….you want to practice?"
"No!" Jacob drew back, revolted.
"You sure?" Edward raised his eyebrows twice.
"Aw, man, that Chuck Bass stuff always works on me!" Jacob said enthusiastically, and they kissed.
Ew.
Pop quiz! Who do you think is hotter: Edward or Jacob?
Right. Thought so.
Pop quiz! Who do you think should win Bella's heart?
Right. Thought so. I always saw potential in Rosalie!
Pop Quiz That Is NoT A Surprise! Who do you think is hotter, Harry Potter or a toad?
Right. Thought so. Their skin is just so green!
Ahem. Back to the Subject.
So, um, Edward and Jacob kissed, no biggie, and finished setting things up. Both felt sparks--either it was true love, or the hum of the refridgerator; who am I to say? And they both heard trumpets, but it turned out to be Esme's surprisingly tasteful choice of Satchmo jazz. An extremely inebriated Britney Spears sat in the corner and beat her feet to the drum of 'Womanizer', which both Edward and Jacob thought was their own hearts. See, Fate convenes to bring two lovers together!
(PLEASE IGNORE THE FOLLOWING PARAGRAPH IF YOU DO NOT WATCH GOSSIP GIRL)
(Now, for those of you already bored with my brand of humor, I request, nay, I beg of you, that you say, "Screw this", and watch the Chuck and Blair reruns. They may be the best thing to happen to you in your dystopian lives. 'Sides, Chuck Bass is way hotter than Edward Cullen. WAAAAAY hotter. Did I mention him too much already? First the Jacob Black thing, now this….I just need to keep my big mouth shut. Or, you should visit E! Online, go to Watch w/Kristin, and see the poignant fight Alice Puts up for Bluck. She even mentions, the, erm, Civil War-era couple they so greatly resemble. *nudge nudge* Yes. That couple.)
Ach. So. Edward and Jacob kissed, and now they're ready to greet Bella for her surprise birthday party!
****
Bella pulled up to the Cullens' home and pounded madly on the front door. Alice opened it up. "Hey, Bells."
"Hey. Erm, do you know where the battle to the death is?"
"Beg pardon?"
"Battle to the Death. Victoria….? Volturi….?"
"Oh. Right. Um, happy birthday!"
"What?"
"Yeah. Happy birthday. Today's your birthday!"
"Oh, right….that's why Stephenie Meyer made it sunny!"
Alice clicked her tongue twice in unison with snapping her fingers at Bella. "That's right, kiddo. Follow me! Please do not touch any objects in this household, they are extremely fragile, and do not kiss the boys, they are even more fragile. That said, I hope you enjoy the trip, feel free to ask me any questions as your tour guide--"
"Alice?" Bella interrupted. "Are you trying to be funny or something?"
Alice smiled awkwardly and nodded.
"I've been here before--"
"I know, I know. Sorry."
"Alice?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do you treat me like a kid if you're the more immature one?"
"Because," Alice wailed, "Jasper is so much less sexy than Edward!"
"You're….jealous of me?"
"Nope!"
"Then why--"
"Here we are!" said Alice in overly cheerful tones, smiling and gesturing to the parlor, where only Edward and Jacob awaited her, smiling crummily and holding bouquets of roses.
"Hey….guys…."
"Hey, they chorused dully.
"So….what's up?"
"Happy Birthday!"
"Thanks." She sat down awkwardly on a gorgeous, overstuffed red chair. They remained standing stiffly, holding the bouquets of roses.
----Thirty minutes later----
"So…." Bella drummed her fingers awkwardly on the edge of the chair. "I don't mean to be rude, but, erm, where are my presents?"
"Presents?" Edward and Jacob looked at each other in mutual dismay.
"Yeah….presents…."
"They, erm, they died," said Jacob, leaning against a mantel and breaking through it. (He wasn't lying about those big guns!)
Bella frowned. Congratulating herself on her advanced powers of deduction (seriously, a four year old could understand what was going on), she glared, "Dying presents?"
Edward gave Jacob a furious, sexually charged look that said plainly, "You idiot!", and said, "Yeah, um, they were….puppies…."
"Puppies?" Bella snapped. "I'm allergic!"
"Oops, forgot," said Jacob hastily. "Um, they drowned."
"Drowned?"
"Yeah, Edward let them out of his sight."
"Edward has raptor vision, Jacob!"
"Yeah….yeah….I know….but see, there was this really cute Albanian chick--"
"So he's been CHEATING on me?!"
"No, no," said Edward hastily. "No. She scratched me."
"Why would she SCRATCH you?"
"You know what?" he shouted. "Forget it! I was busy kissing Jacob!"
"WHAT?!"
"I thought I wasn't gay, but truth is, I am gay!"
"Please tell me you mean 'happy'."
"Men make me happy!" Edward took Jacob's hand, and the two of them skipped together down the hallways, out into the sunset, and never looked back.
"WAIT!" Bella shouted from the gates. "We have heartrending sequels to film, Academy Awards to win! Come back! How will we get replacements in time for Breaking Dawn?" Then inspiration hit her. "Wait a minute, Eminem might be available!"
****Did'ja like?****
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