And If You Think I Don't Miss You Everyday

One of the best scenes (and the most heartbreaking – at least for me) was when Donna went to Josh to ask him for a job after Santos had won the nomination. I think it took courage for her to do that and it also took courage for Josh to finally let her know that he missed her. It made me cry. Here is what I would have like to see happen on the show…

Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I am just in love with them and want to do them justice through the written word.

Prologue –

Donna's POV

"And if you think I don't miss you every day…"

Those ten words hit home for Donna. She didn't know what to do with that sentence. How should she react? Her first response was to tell him the truth – the whole truth and nothing but the truth: "I've missed you too." That's what she wanted to say but, as much as she wanted to voice those words back to him, she couldn't. How could she? After everything they had been through? After all her tears, her fears, her love for him? After his seemingly complete disregard for her feelings? Does he not know how much asking him for a job humiliates and affects me? How much I had tossed and turned this idea in my head before going to him to ask him for a job? She was in front of him completely vulnerable and at his mercy and once again he ripped her to shreds. Story of her life: well story of her life with Josh Lyman.

Donna didn't miss the way his voice hitched and cracked while uttering the ten words that kept on replaying over and over in her mind. She could not have possibly imagined all the times that she thought he might feel something for her aside from an assistant and her boss relationship; or a friend to friend relationship. But where had they gone wrong? What made them be so distant and apart now that it seemed although there could be more than a friendship, at this juncture, they couldn't even go back to being friends or being a boss and subordinate at least.

She still loved him. Actually she had never stopped. She had been mad as hell at him but she never stopped loving him. She had loved him since the first time she laid eyes on him. People either believed in love at first sight or they didn't. She had been one of the many that didn't believe in it – that was until she met Josh. She remembered, like if it was yesterday, the first time she laid eyes on Josh. The way that her heart had leapt to her throat when he said hello to her when he didn't even know who she was and the way that he had smiled at her and given her his staff card so she could stay and work. Those memories were stored away in her head and in her heart as good memories. Memories that didn't make her bleed until she felt weak and about to pass out. No, the bad memories were the ones that did that to her. And lately those were the memories that she thought of – the bad ones. The ones that hurt more than a deep cut to her skin.

Where had things gone so wrong between them? Had it been her selfish need to move up? Had it been CJ's conversation that sent her over the edge? Had it been that she needed to distance herself from the one person that didn't love her the way she wanted him to love her? Had it been that she had been afraid that the love she thought both of them might have ended up being one sided and on her side for that matter? She never really thought that it was only her. It couldn't of have been but Josh would show her time and time again that while he would banter with her and keep her laughing most of the day with his geeky humor and indescribable quick wit – he still never told her how he felt. So she chose to believe that he felt more for her, and when it never came to fruition, after years of waiting for him, she came undone and had no other choice but to make it about her and about her career and about her need to demonstrate to everyone that she was capable of being more than his assistant. But had it all been an excuse? A sorry excuse to run away from the heartache that was sure to come from his lack of interest and his lack of love towards her? God? Why?

"I can make some calls…" she heard Josh utter after he had once again broken her heart.

Of course – humiliate me some more why don't you Joshua? She would not let him do that for her. Out of pity? She would rather die. She found herself getting up from the chair and waving her hand at him dismissively. "Thank you for your time." She stated, afraid that her voice would betray her. That her voice would crack, like his did, and that she would be forever remembered by him as his assistant that pined over him and came crawling back to him. No. She was done making a fool of herself for this man. She would not give him the satisfaction of watching her cry and see her defeated. Even if it killed her, she would walk out of his office with her head held high and her dignity intact – or whatever was left of her dignity.

She grabbed her purse and made a hasty exit to the door without even turning around to glance at him. If she would have turned around, she probably would have seen him standing at the door watching her leave. She would maybe have recognized the pain in his eyes as well but that was not meant to be. She would probably have understood that he was in pain as much as she was. But alas, it was not meant to be.

She needed to get out of the Santos' Campaign Headquarters immediately. She would rather die than to have Josh or any of his staff see her crying and falling apart at his blatant denial to hire her. She pressed the button to the elevator. She had told him that it was her job – that it wasn't personal and he had resorted to saying that yes indeed, he had done the same thing to her candidate, but at the end he had won. And she had lost is what was left out of that sentence. She had lost – lost her job, lost him, lost everything. She had nowhere to go. Well nowhere where she wanted to be. But she would pick herself up and dust herself off and live the life she had been living since she walked out of the White House and out of Josh's life a few months back. She would survive. Without him. But she would survive. Besides she had months of experience on that front. Living without him was not a piece of cake but it was something that sadly she was getting accustomed to.

Josh's POV

"And if you think I don't miss you everyday…"

Josh heard his voice crack after he uttered those ten words that had been replaying in his mind for the past few months. Those words followed him everywhere. They were attached to his mind and his heart since she had left him standing utterly dumbfounded that she had indeed left him. Quit. Just like that – in an instant. One minute she was his assistant and the next minute she was nothing to him. He never understood how easily she was able to walk away from him. Yes. From him. There. He said it. From him. Not the job. Not the White House. Not the President. From him.

Damn her to hell…He should hate her. With every fiber of his being he should hate her. He should be enjoying seeing her squirm and he should be gloating at her apparent humiliation and discomfort. But instead his heart was breaking for her. It could not be easy for her to be sitting in front of him asking for a job. After all she had left him. Up and left him without barely a good bye. It was so easy for her to walk away and forget him and now she had come back asking to be reinstated in his service. Well maybe not his service but then again hadn't he always felt somewhat of an ownership towards Donna? Yes. Of course he had. Donna after all had been his assistant. He had mentored her – he could even say that he had taught her everything that she knew and she was as successful as she was now because he had mentored and guided her. Not to say that she was not a smart cookie, she was but he had helped her throughout the way and for her to just leave him. That was what had hurt him the most.

"You're not used to seeing me in a position of authority…" she began.

God! Was that really what she thought? Seriously? One step ahead and ten steps back – what was it with them? Did she think him such a son of a bitch that he would not be happy that she had succeeded? And right there, after three seconds, he was back to being mad at her and wanting to kill her at what she did to them. Why couldn't she just have stayed with him? Helped him? Where had he gone so wrong for her to hate him so much that she walked out – without notice – and left him all alone? Because she had to have hated him. If not, there was no way that he could picture Donna leaving him. After all they had been through – after everything she must hate him. She had to. If she didn't hate him then nothing would make sense. Nothing could make sense.

The knowledge that her leaving him still hurt like hell and how he never really recuperated from it stared him in the face but as much as he wanted to kill her, as much as he wanted to beg her to come back to him, to work for him, to be with him day in and day out his pride got the best of him and he said instead: "I could make a few calls…" Pride be damned…his feelings for her also won and he was not a son of a bitch – no matter what she thought. That's why he had extended that offer. He would find her something. He would never let her be unemployed and not have money to be able to live. He loved her. Had always loved her. Would always love her.

Even though the love he had for her was out of the realm of possibility, it didn't make it any less true. He had fallen in love with her years back. He just never had the guts to tell her. But he never thought that she was that unhappy with him. Many times he had thought that she felt something as well. Many times he thought that he might have detected a flash of jealousy against women he had been dating. Women that seemed so irrelevant now. Women whose names escaped him at this point in time because it had been so long since he had seen her and so long since he had her this close to him. That no woman could measure up and no woman ever would. He was destined to love her for eternity and if he couldn't have her then he wanted no one else. He would live his life working and making others successful but as for him and his personal life – he lived and breathed Donna – whether she was with him or not. That was his lot in life and he had accepted that a long time ago.

It was then that he saw her put her hands up as if dismissing the notion and dismissing him in the process. That hurt more than anything else. The fact that she would not even accept his help. Why come in the first place then? Was she that naïve that she thought that he could forget everything that had happened and embrace her? Tell her she was part of his team? She had worked for the enemy for God's sake! The enemy. She had left him and went to work for someone else. Someone he was not endorsing and someone who was his enemy! That type betrayal you don't forget or forgive quickly – if ever.

"Thank you for your time." Josh heard her say as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the door without even looking at him. Without even glancing his way. Dismissing him. Like she had dismissed him so many months ago. And damn her…damn her to all hell! It still hurt the same as when she did it the first time. Even through his pain he found himself getting up from his chair and following her to his door. He saw her walking towards the elevator – her head held high, her dignity intact. She still didn't even turn to see if he was looking at her, following her with his gaze to the elevators. He just saw her walk away from him once again.

The need to call out to her was so intense but he held it at bay. He had held his love for her at bay for almost a decade – this should be a piece of cake. But seeing her leave him once again was worse than any other pain he had ever experienced. Possibly worse than the first time she left. Because the first time she had left he did think she would come back. For weeks he held hope that she would return to him. She always returned to him. Now he was not so sure.

He walked back into his office, closing the door harshly behind him. He didn't care if his staff wondered what the hell was going on. He didn't want to see anyone just yet. Right now all he could do was sit down in his chair, put his head in his hands and rock back and forth in order to calm down once again. Donna's visit had left him raw and ragged.

How was he supposed to go on with his day after what just happened?

He sighed sadly, laid back in his chair and closed his eyes. "Twenty minutes Josh. You have twenty minutes to get it together and then you're done. You have work to do. You will put Donna behind you like you did months ago and do your job. You can't have her but you can have this. You will forget about her – at least until the next time a memory of her hits you with such force that you are rendered useless. But for now you have twenty minutes." He repeated to himself.

How am I going to go on?